oats23

Thank you for the response - maybe I didn't make it clear, but I have not told her about these fantasies or actions for the exact reasons you listed. However I feel compelled to because I can't get rid of my guilt, and I feel like relationships should not have big secrets, especially ones that are bothering me this much. Maybe this is a selfish stance to take.

Thanks for your reply. We were discussing boundaries and porn, and we both agreed that watching porn was not cheating, but probably not something that we were both comfortable with. She was very understanding and supportive about it. My guilt it mainly associated with the information that I am still hiding from her (i.e. that I used to masturbate to thoughts of other women, mostly women I know) because I am worried it will hurt her. No, they had no impact on anything of that nature. I'm honestly very proud of my actions as a partner other than the topic at hand.

For the past 1.5 years I (19m) have been in a relationship with my dream partner (19f). We share many interests, we have fun and laugh with each other all the time, we are both high achieving in school, and we are understanding of each others needs and wants. We trust each other with anything and everything, and we have never had any major relationship issues. Our families are now great friends, and my siblings (especially my younger brother) think she is amazing. I honestly believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I'm sure she feels the same. However, I've been suffering from extreme guilt for the past few months and it's starting to seriously eat away at me. In March of this year, I confessed to my girlfriend that I had been habitually watching porn during our relationship after a long discussion about whether or not it was healthy in a committed relationship. Although she was a little upset, she was understanding and I told her I would stop. What I didn't tell her was about my other masturbation habits. Since I was around 14 or 15, I would occasionally masturbate to fantasies involving celebrities, classmates, and even female friends. This was not very often (maybe once a month) but I would occasionally do this instead of watching porn, and I would even sometimes go to their social media pages (instagram) and masturbate to their photos. This habit continued when I began dating my girlfriend and for some reason, I never felt guilty or wrong about this until we had our discussion about porn. Since then, I have not been able to make the guilt go away. I have significantly cut down on my porn consumption and I have stopped masturbating to Instagram pictures and fantasies completely, but I still feel terrible. Every day I get so upset with myself for my actions. I feel like I cheated on her and completely betrayed her trust, and I can't imagine how hurt she would be if she found out. I know I need to tell her, but I just don't see how we'll be able to patch things together afterwards. I am so angry and ashamed - I love and value her so much and she deserves the absolute best. I feel like a total creep and I will never make this mistake again, but I am scared that she'll never be able to look at me the same. I would really appreciate some advice on what to do going forward, and if this is something that we can bounce back from.