Family Money

[Alex39]

I'm not sure how to feel. My grandmother is over 90 and not doing well health wise. She is going to die soon according to doctors. 

She still lives independently,  has her mind about her, and wants to live on her own until her death. We respect and support her. Again, her mind is fine. 

My grandfather died 15+ years ago. He and she agreed back then that they want all their money and assets split evenly in two between their two children, my father and his sister, my aunt.  They don't want anyone else involved and they don't want splitting amongst the grandchildren. My aunt has three, my dad has two, so that wouldn't be fair.  My grandmother is firm on that. And says that once split between the children that the children can decide to give to their children. 

My sibling and I have always been very close to my grandmother. Taking her on vacations with us. My father is her son, but my mother is also very close and helpful to her. 

We take an interest in her life and know what she likes. We cater to her. My aunts family doesn't take her on vacations, or care that much what she likes.  My aunt bothers with her. But they never helped her clean or cook or cared if she needed help. We did. My three cousins barely bothered with her over the years.  But last year when she announced her cancer, suddenly my aunt, uncle, and three cousins are all over her. Bringing her food, helping her around the house. 

We were a bit shocked and rubbed negatively. She could have used this care and help for years. They are all over her now. 

We've even noticed that my aunt likes updates when we spend time with her. And once I even saw my cousin texting my aunt when I showed up to see grandmother, visit her, telling my aunt we were there. I don't understand this. My sibling and I are very close to Granny and we care for her. We do visit her. My aunt likes to boss everyone and control it all. But granny is in her right mind, so we go with what she wants. 

My grandmother left my aunt as executor of her will, and has it listed to split everything down the middle. Those are her written will and trust wishes. 

My grandmother hasn't had a cell phone. It broke. Been broken for months. My aunt didn't care. My mother was concerned for Granny's safety.  My mother researched phones, found my grandmother a good one. My aunt insisted my mother turn over her research and that she'll take her.  My mother wanted to help my grandmother herself. So my mother offered to take granny and took her to the phone store. My granny was happy to go.  My mother let her pick out all the options and made suggestions here and there. My mother then took her shopping and out to lunch. My granny was so so happy. She had the best day- her words. 

My aunt found out and flipped out. She felt she should be the one to go get her the phone. 

She hasn't had a phone in months. My mother went and helped her. My mother was worried for her safety. My aunt flipped out at granny- my aunt then trying to boss her around. Granny yelled at her. They got in a huge fight. Granny ended up with chest pains. My granny even threatened her to not give her a dime and my aunt freaked out over it. My dad stayed calm and told granny that she could do whatever she wanted with her money. 

It was horrible. My father stayed out of it. But granny then opened up and told my father privately that my aunt has been trying to convince her to change her Will and give money to her three kids, but not my sibling and I. My granny doesn't want this and tells her so. My aunt is relentless. My granny also mentioned how my aunt is mad if granny takes me or my sibling to lunch. But makes sure she takes her children all the time. My aunt is trying to get more money for her and her children and take money from my dad and me and my sibling. It's not fair in any way. And she keeps upsetting Granny. 

Knowing my aunt would be okay with my father getting less and she and her children getting more is so hurtful. Granny wants it all the same and fair. My aunt and her kids just want granny's money. Whereas my family we genuinely love and care for granny and don't need her money. 

Now hearing Granny say what my aunt has been up to. I'm hurt. I always had a good relationship with my aunt and uncle. But my aunt would be okay snubbing my dad. I have plans to visit ny aunt this weekend. Should I even bother attending after finding out what she's been trying to do with money and making Granny so upset over a dumb cell phone?

[Wiseman2]

Grandchildren are not the primary heirs. There's a line of legal succession. 

Stay out of it. You're way too overinvolved in every one of your families business as it is.

Is this why you have no time to date and claim your busy with family functions every weekend?

It doesn't have to be like this. Let your family handle their own business and affairs. You need to live your own life.

 

[MissCanuck]

All you can do is keep your distance from your aunt. 

And otherwise stay out of your grandmother's financial affairs. It may not feel fair that the money will be split evenly between your father and your aunt, but it's also not your choice. 

[Batya33]

Stay out of the financial affairs. If you feel there is an elder abuse type issue here there are ways to notify those who can do something about it -have no idea how that works where you live or where your grandmother lives. Don't start world war 3 over $ and don't keep score as to who cared more as far as how that should relate into division of assets in your eyes. Didn't your grandmother spend years taking care of your father? You took care of your grandmother out of the goodness of your heart and because you are a human being and you love your grandmother.  Right? 

I'm really sorry she is in poor health. My mom is 87 and when her parents were ill she did more than her brother did because we lived across the street and he worked full time in the medical field (they passed almost 20 years ago).  I never once heard any complaints from my mother.  My grandparents seemed to favor my uncle's kids -my cousins - did I like that- no of course not -who likes that feeling.  But I focused on what mattered both in caring for my grandparents and my relationship with my cousins.

Don't go down this path. Separately yes keep an eye out for actual elder abuse plus if they hire aides to come in maybe speak with your parents about potential for theft, mistreatment, etc.  

 

[Seraphim]

Stay out of it. Let your grandmother have peace . These are her children. Your father is her child and well so is your aunt . Your children aren’t of value placed on what they do for you . You don’t know from first had experience why there is this dynamic. 
 

Just love your grandmother and stay out of the fight . Your grandmother doesn’t need more stress. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Stay out of it. Let your grandmother have peace . These are her children. Your father is her child and well so is your aunt . Your children aren’t of value placed on what they do for you . You don’t know from first had experience why there is this dynamic. 
 

Just love your grandmother and stay out of the fight . Your grandmother doesn’t need more stress. 

Yes and I'll add this -because if you start issues now - so I said my cousins were favored.  I was close with my female cousin.  I loved her so.  She died young in her 30s over 15 years ago from cancer. Her brother is around my age. We just never really clicked. 

He had a couple of children who are now all in their 20s.  One looks just like her aunt -my late cousin and was old enough to remember her.  Anyway because of Facebook and Linkedin over the last two years two of my cousin's grown children -the two women- have reached out to me to connect/reconnect - and one especially is really into knowing about our side of the family, etc.  They are both delightful. 

I text with one of them regularly and it's so great to connect with someone who loved our late cousin/aunt.  Had I severed ties in a negative way with my remaining cousin over nonsense over what was fair, etc I doubt she'd even know about me let alone contact me.  Adult kids of cousins are independent of their parents and they will connect with you unless there's really bad blood- and if there is it's often doubtful.  Think of the future before you start getting involved and making trouble over $ for no reason.  

[Blue_Skirt]

Alex, I think you really need to change the way you think about this.

When I read the title of your post “Family Money”, I expected that you would be inquiring how other forum members deal with money when they have a family of their own, who pays what, who contributes how much, that kind of stuff. Now I read this is all about your grandmothers’ money. So the title of your post should have been “My Grandmothers’ Money”.

Inheritance has nothing to do with what is fair and what is not fair. There are laws in place how inheritance is dealt with and these can vary from country to country. If you think something is not fair, you need to go into politics and change the laws. Your grandmothers’ money is your grandmothers’ money and she alone gets to decide what she does with it.

But since you brought up the word “fair”, how does this feel to you? Imagine your last parent dies, your sibling has 1 child, you for whatever reason do not have a child. So all the money goes to your sibling, and that is fair? And yes, if this is your way of thinking, I expect you to say wholeheartedly YES, THIS IS FAIR.

It is very nice that you and your sibling took your grandmother on vacations and that you are very close to your grandmother. Great that your parents have been very helpful to your grandmother. But I smell a sense of entitlement from your post. “I took my grandmother on a nice vacation and now I get a higher part of the inheritance”. And this is not the first time I notice this. In other posts you describe how you are always helpful to other people and you expect something in return for it.

That is not how life works and for sure not how inheritance works. In fact, this inheritance has nothing to do with you, it is none of your business.

I would advise you to stop being over involved in family matters and in other people’s lives. Free up your calendar and start going out / being involved in things where you potentially find a nice boyfriend.

[Seraphim]

24 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Alex, I think you really need to change the way you think about this.

When I read the title of your post “Family Money”, I expected that you would be inquiring how other forum members deal with money when they have a family of their own, who pays what, who contributes how much, that kind of stuff. Now I read this is all about your grandmothers’ money. So the title of your post should have been “My Grandmothers’ Money”.

Inheritance has nothing to do with what is fair and what is not fair. There are laws in place how inheritance is dealt with and these can vary from country to country. If you think something is not fair, you need to go into politics and change the laws. Your grandmothers’ money is your grandmothers’ money and she alone gets to decide what she does with it.

But since you brought up the word “fair”, how does this feel to you? Imagine your last parent dies, your sibling has 1 child, you for whatever reason do not have a child. So all the money goes to your sibling, and that is fair? And yes, if this is your way of thinking, I expect you to say wholeheartedly YES, THIS IS FAIR.

It is very nice that you and your sibling took your grandmother on vacations and that you are very close to your grandmother. Great that your parents have been very helpful to your grandmother. But I smell a sense of entitlement from your post. “I took my grandmother on a nice vacation and now I get a higher part of the inheritance”. And this is not the first time I notice this. In other posts you describe how you are always helpful to other people and you expect something in return for it.

That is not how life works and for sure not how inheritance works. In fact, this inheritance has nothing to do with you, it is none of your business.

I would advise you to stop being over involved in family matters and in other people’s lives. Free up your calendar and start going out / being involved in things where you potentially find a nice boyfriend.

Correct it is NOT “ family money” it is your grandmother’s money ONLY. Money she made with her husband . Now only your grandmother decides where her money goes. 

[Kwothe28]

I think its pretty fair that it goes 50/50 toward your dad and aunt. I am sorry, but even if she is opportunistic, they both have equal rights as their kids. Here it usually changes depending on who takes over as a guardian later. My friend and his family took over guardianship of his Grandma because his uncle didnt wanted to take care of her. So, in accordance to that, they got 2/3 of the big house Grandma got and where his uncle lives. His uncle not only didnt want to take care of his mother, but also doesnt want to concede his part of the house(house has 3 floors and he has separate entrance for his but he and his daughter dont want to give up other parts of home too) and wants more then just 1/3. So they went to court over it when Grandma died. But since its pretty clear who gets what, he has nothing to gain, just lost money over paying lawyers and suing. Inheritance is a pretty nasty thing. And it does breaks family connections sometimes.

Anyway, unless your part of family or your aunt take over as Guardians and Grandma changes her will, 50/50 is pretty fair. Just watch out if she is opportunistic that she doesnt make Grandma sign something. Other then that, there is nothing you can do there. Just take care of your Grandma the best as you can. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He and she agreed back then that they want all their money and assets split evenly in two between their two children, my father and his sister, my aunt. 

Then that's it. It is what your grandparents have in their/her will. Your father and your aunt are her children. That's how it goes. You can not rewrite that according to your money needs/desires.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Blue_Skirt said:

I would advise you to stop being over involved in family matters and in other people’s lives. Free up your calendar and start going out / being involved in things where you potentially find a nice boyfriend.

Agree. Instead of figuring out how to be "cute and flirty" through messaging, when a guy mentions dinner state that you would love to sometime this week/weekend, rather than hide behind screens and family drama. You'll never have a family of your own if you don't start someplace.

[Lambert]

I agree with others. Stay out of it. Honestly, this is your grandmother's money to do with what she wants.  If she decides to give it all to charity, that is her choice.

do you take good care of your grandmother because you love her and it's the right thing to do? Or to ensure you get your cut?

Read over your post again.  What's fair is what Grandmother decides is fair.  

What your aunt does is her own business. Not yours. If she says something directly to you then you can respond. 

The best thing you can do is enjoy your time with grandmother. Don't create drama. Try to be a peace keeper, a help, a blessing. 

Not someone bitter and entitled. The fact that there are more grandchildren on your side so your cut is less, is so greedy and petty. If my nieces and nephews ever confronted me about my mother, there'd be a really strong clap back. 

Understand your role in the family which is basically to let the older generation deal with it. You may get zero from grandmother. What you perceive as yours is not yours until your parents pass. you may get something but it should not be expected.

focus on the more important things.- making sure grandmother is well cared for and enjoying the time you have left with her. 

[Alex39]

I think I am being mistaken here. I don't want or expect my grandmothers money. My granny wants her things to be fair between my father and my aunt. I think it should be that way. I support her wishes. 

I'm mad that my aunt has been pressuring my granny behind our backs trying to get more money from her and money/items for her children. She's upsetting granny trying to get her way. 

That's not fair. And not what granny wants. My aunt is okay with her family getting more and we getting less. That makes me upset too. So my aunt clearly doesn't mind screwing me and my family over for her own, over money. How do you stay close to someone knowing that?

Her kids are not any better than myself or my sibling, so why do they deserve granny's things and not us?

She just wants more and more. And nothing is going to stop her from taking it, once she's in charge of her Will once she's passed. 

What I'm saying is that I do respect granny's wishes. If she did want it all to charity, I'd support that. I'm not greedy. I do think things should be fair. And honestly, I think if she did want it all to go to charity, my granny wouldn't see my cousins coming around anymore. 

I don't care about granny's money. I do care that granny's wishes are respected and my aunt is trying so hard to smother granny and make sure her kids get some too. Granny doesn't want that. I support the 50/50 but my aunt wants it to be more 80/20. 

I'm struggling that I've always liked my aunt and been close to her. But I'm struggling now knowing she'd take all my money on my father and hurt him if she could, thus hurting our family. 

I'd love my granny and take her on trips and visit even if she had no money to leave. 

 

[Seraphim]

I think you are misunderstanding executor of a Will. She HAS to follow the instructions of the Will. She can’t just decide to do what she wants. Your aunt is also her daughter. Like I said before how much you love your kids or what they should get is not based on what they do for you. I’m sure she loves her daughter. This is something you will understand better as a parent. Children are forever. Not many situations are forever or relationships either but often the one between a parent and a child is. No matter what that child does or doesn’t do. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

but my aunt wants it to be more 80/20. 

It's not up to your aunt. It's up to whatever your grandmother's will states. Stay out of it. Don't get involved in vulture games while your grandmother is still alive and everyone, including you, is overly concerned with her estate.

[reinventmyself]

All of this is often more common than not.  I am of an age where I have lost both my parents and my friends are in the same situation.  Financial fairness among heirs is often thought of, mentioned and at times struggled over.  But when all is said and done, it isn't about fairness.   It's about the persons wishes.  You honor it, whether you agree with it or not. 

There is zero point in keeping score.  It's not the family's money, it's theirs to do with whatever they choose.  As it should be.

Making lists to defend your campaign doesn't serve anyone and only gives you grief.  Trust me, I went through it (to a smaller extent) and know others who have too.  My-sis-in law no longer speaks to her 3 brothers.  Over what?  Something they had no control over.  It's such a shame.

[Alex39]

I just hope my aunt does honor the will. Right now she's been upsetting Granny by trying to boss her around. Granny started having chest pains because of it. That does affect me, because Granny should not be upset. Granny settled her affairs years ago. My aunt is upsetting her so much by trying to pressure her now that she's dying to change things to benefit her family. Even recently my aunt was trying to make Granny out as not in her right mind. If she succeeds then she gets to control all Granny's assets sooner and she can do whatever she wants with them. Granny is in her right mind completely. It's just heartbreaking that my aunt is so hungry for granny's things. We should just be supporting her and enjoying her life because she's still alive. 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I just hope my aunt does honor the will. Right now she's been upsetting Granny by trying to boss her around. Granny started having chest pains because of it. That does affect me, because Granny should not be upset. Granny settled her affairs years ago. My aunt is upsetting her so much by trying to pressure her now that she's dying to change things to benefit her family. Even recently my aunt was trying to make Granny out as not in her right mind. If she succeeds then she gets to control all Granny's assets sooner and she can do whatever she wants with them. Granny is in her right mind completely. It's just heartbreaking that my aunt is so hungry for granny's things. We should just be supporting her and enjoying her life because she's still alive. 

There are laws sounding this stuff. People can’t just make it up . When my dad passed away 2 years ago he left almost everything he had to his youngest sister. Nothing my sibling and I could do. Period. That was his will. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I just hope my aunt does honor the will. 

???? A will is a legal document drafted by your grandparents attorney. Nothing to "honor". You have zero standing in their will. Grandchildren are not automatically heirs. The next of kin are if they die intestate. In this case your father and your aunt. You'll get yours when your parents pass away. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

???? A will is a legal document drafted by your grandparents attorney. Nothing to "honor". You have zero standing in their will. Grandchildren are not automatically heirs. The next of kin are if they die intestate. In this case your father and your aunt. You'll get yours when your parents pass away. 

Correct , it is a legally binding document . 

[Alex39]

16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Correct , it is a legally binding document . 

I understand this. She's responsible to execute it. So say my granny has $500 in a bank account. My aunt takes $400 for herself and gives my father $100. How is my father to know that she had $500 in it to begin with. And that he isn't getting the right amount? 

 

My aunt will try anything to get more. 

[boltnrun]

As a beneficiary your father is entitled to know what is in the will that affects him. When the will is "read" by the estate attorney your father will be notified what the assets are and what portion has been designated for him.

I don't get it...why are you so concerned with what your father may or may not get? Is he financially destitute? Has he said he's depending on this money from your grandmother in order to survive?

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I understand this. She's responsible to execute it. So say my granny has $500 in a bank account. My aunt takes $400 for herself and gives my father $100. How is my father to know that she had $500 in it to begin with. And that he isn't getting the right amount? 

 

My aunt will try anything to get more. 

You let your dad and his sister handle it . You are acting like your dad is incompetent. This is between him and his sister and their mother. You are over invested . 

[Seraphim]

Also life is not fair ,wills  are not fair , death is not fair. I’m not understanding where people get this idea that things are fair they aren’t and never have been. 

[itsallgrand]

Unfortunately the prospect of money often brings out some ugly sides in people. From my experience, the best thing to do is focus on whats directly in your circle of influence. These issues with your granny, aunt and your dad aren't in that realm. Your realm right now is how you conduct yourself during this time. Don't let this get in the way of the precious last times with your granny. Any feelings you are having about your aunt right now, you can deal with them later.

Your granny is of sound mind and your father is aware of the situation. Trust your dad to deal with anything untoward, he loves his mom, he unfortunately is dealing with a lot here and showing him support too could be another priority. 

Again, feelings toward aunt, it's just not important now in the grand scheme y'know?