What are your thoughts on initiating communication with men first via dating apps (bumble)?

[isthisaredflag]

I rarely ever message them first but with a good match, every now and then I will. But it still feels wrong to me. I cut communication if the chat gets dry/or they don't officially ask me out. I just very much prefer to be courted and it appears that any time I've 'pursued' a man, it didn't end that well. But then again, occurs with guys that pursue me too.

[Batya33]

I initiated conversations in person and on dating sites with hundreds of men when I was dating.  I suggested first meets too.  I let the men ask me out on dates with rare exception.  I cannot imagine why a woman would avoid talking to a man she was interested in.  I can imagine why a woman would prefer the man do the asking out first. Talking is not pursuing. Especially online -you're strangers -men who talk to you onine are contacting a stranger.  Men who suggest meeting in person soon after contact are very smart about dating -they want to date in person and they are not asking you out -they're suggesting a first meet to see if it makes sense to suggest an actual date.

They are not courting you.  Courting is when a man asks you out on a date he plans in advance after meeting you in person.  Guess what -I approached my husband first.  It was over 25 years ago and his first day of work and we were at a gathering for the new employees.  I crossed the room to him and introduced myself.  We chatted.  Guess what -had I not done that I very likely wouldn't be a married mom now because he was extremely shy back then plus we worked at a very large company and never together.  

I'd stop pushing back the dating process to "tallking" or chatting with a stranger online.  When I did online dating I did it to meet men in person.

So I chatted with hundreds of men - some contacted me, some I contacted -then after exchanging one or two messages I suggested a phone call if he didn't.  We  talked on the phone and I screened for safety purposes mostly.  At the end of the call if he didn't suggest meeting in person I did.  If I saw potential.  I let the men ask me out on dates. I met about 100 men in person through online sites when I was not in a serious relationship over about a 5 year period.

I showed interest by flirting appropriately, showing up on time, looking nice and showing interest -I also did homework before the date if I knew his interests - read up on things as needed so I could have intelligent and interesting conversations.  I never felt pursued or courted because a stranger messaged me, suggested meeting in person etc and frankly I rarely felt pursued if he asked me out on a date -courting -yes.  Pursuing - typically no because I showed interest in him as a person and flirted so it was basically equal ground -no need for him to "pursue" when he knew I most likely would say yes.  

I have no issue with women asking men out.  When I dated -from around 1979-2005 - I found it ineffective to ask men out on dates especially in the beginning if I wanted a potentially serious relationship and not just a fling.  I rarely wanted a fling.  I had no issue asking men out on dates and did so from time to time. 

Maybe it's changed -as far as what women want in a relationship (I wanted a traditional relationship and my husband -who was extremely shy when we first dated- managed to ask me out - as did other shy men -I wasn't a person who wanted to be in control as far as doing most of the asking out in the beginning - I did enjoy having that sort of role in my career and professional life).  The men I dated and the men I was friendly with seemed fairly turned off -despite being flattered-by women who asked them out on dates.  But again that was a long time ago and perhaps things have changed!

Good luck! I know dating requires a thick skin. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, isthisaredflag said:

I just very much prefer to be courted and it appears that any time I've 'pursued' a man, it didn't end that well. 

On bumble the woman makes the first move.  It's Ok on dating apps to swipe right or send a message. That's not "pursuing" anyone.  After all being on dating apps in itself is advertising on the internet that you are interested in meeting someone.

Dating apps are not for "courting". They are generally a collection of profiles of singles in your area interested in meeting someone.

After a couple of messages, suggesting meeting for a Brief coffee/drink. If there is mutual interest go on a second date. If not thank them for their time then delete block them. It's really that simple.

 

[Lambert]

You're not pursuing anyone on a dating app.  You're networking with (hopefully) other singles. Based on the site's algorithms & the user's preference settings etc, you might see a guy's profile, but he doesn't see yours. So if you don't contact him, you may never talk to him. 

On bumble, as someone else stated, the woman has to engage first. 

If you are the type of person that likes the guy to do are the pursuing, you might be setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.

If you're not holding up your end of the conversation, making it known you'd like to meet, I think dating apps make it pretty easy to just move on. Especially for a good person that is seriously looking to go on actual dates and get to know you. Not the whacks that are scammers and time wasters. There's plenty of those to. 

So my advice- play the numbers game. its just like a job search. you gotta send out a lot of resumes to get one interview. And dint be so proud... there's no shame in a modern woman knowing what she likes and going after it.  It's actually quite attractive to guys that can handle it. 

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

 I cut communication if the chat gets dry/or they don't officially ask me out.

That’s fine. This is what you’re supposed to do. If there’s no suggestion to meet the same day you match, it’s not a match. Don’t carrying on chatting indefinitely without meeting at least within a few days of matching. 

If Bumble makes you uncomfortable dump it and use something else.

 

 

[Blue_Skirt]

I am all for taking luck into your own hands, rather than being passive and wait.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, isthisaredflag said:

I rarely ever message them first but with a good match, every now and then I will. But it still feels wrong to me.

What do you mean "wrong"? The whole point of Bumble is that a woman needs to message first and start communication. Why are you even matching with people if you wont even send a first message to them? From what Ive heard most women just sends "Hi" anyway(and then people lambast us men for the lack of trying in first message lol). But the whole point is that you need to start a communication. You matching with people and not sending anything defeats the purpose of matching someone. 

Dating apps have a purpose to match you with somebody you like and to see if you can connect and date(or probably just hookup in most cases). They are not your tool for a validation from other people. For that you have other social networks like Facebook and Instagram. Dont match with people on Bumble if you dont plan to message them. Its not fair to them. 

[reinventmyself]

So, in real life you would never dare to say hello to a man?   It's not any different. You aren't pursuing anyone.  You're initiating a connection.

I initiated often and got good responses.  

[smackie9]

You want to get noticed? smile and say hello!

[Alex39]

I get exactly how you feel. I had similar experiences. You feel like you are doing all the work to make it happen  and the guy isn't being the one pursuing.  

For once, it might just be nice to be pursued, to be engaged, to be wanted. 

I do find some guys can be shy or afraid though, so you have to make the first move.

With bumble I found a good method was to chat for a few days, then ask them out to meet within 5 days. Just ask and don't worry about it. 

I found myself chatting with guys for weeks and then it leading no where. Don't wait that long. Chat, meet, then see in person if the are good or if you have chemistry. 

If they hold you off or don't want to meet right away, move on and cut it off. They aren't serious about dating. 

 

 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I get exactly how you feel. I had similar experiences. You feel like you are doing all the work to make it happen  and the guy isn't being the one pursuing.  

For once, it might just be nice to be pursued, to be engaged, to be wanted. 

I do find some guys can be shy or afraid though, so you have to make the first move.

With bumble I found a good method was to chat for a few days, then ask them out to meet within 5 days. Just ask and don't worry about it. 

I found myself chatting with guys for weeks and then it leading no where. Don't wait that long. Chat, meet, then see in person if the are good or if you have chemistry. 

If they hold you off or don't want to meet right away, move on and cut it off. They aren't serious about dating. 

 

 

Online chatting is not dating and not related to dating -it's not pursuing.  It's two people deciding whether to meet in person and then deciding whether to go on a date.  It's like any interaction.  I try to make platonic friends through my mom groups and other FAcebook groups related to my interests.  I will not do all the work.  I expect reciprocation.

Three people in the last few weeks expressed interest in meeting me in person and/or keeping in touch.  I left the ball in their court after I responded with enthusiasm.  That's all.  I'm not pursuing them and they are not pursuing me.  My goal is to make new friends and to do that I expect reciprocal interest.  It's no different with meeting a person with potential to date in the future. 

I'm not sure why it gets so gendered this early on and compared to dating -it's not dating at that point, at all and the dating "rules" don't apply and it's a big mistake IMO to focus on those rules when you're contacting strangers online. 

[jul-els]

I don’t use online dating apps anymore, but when I did, bumble was one of them and I didn’t like that feature. It cuts down your chances of making contact quite a bit imo/e. Mainly because the onus is on the woman to reach out first and most of the time they don’t. I’m guessing for reasons similar to yours. Doesn’t make much sense. They swipe, they match and then crickets, usually.
 

But after trying online dating for a year, I really didn’t find much of anything I liked about it, so take that for what it’s worth. But as a guy, my advice to you is if you’re interested, reach out. That’s what you’re there for, right? You can start the conversation and see how much he takes charge from there and whether or not you’re interested. 

[lostandhurt]

So you are on these sites to meet someone but you limit your chances greatly because you want to be courted?

 There are good guys on these sites that you may be attracted to but think you are out of their league or don't show as a match for whatever reason.

 Jerks do not care and will message hundreds of women without even reading anything about them.

I never understood why anyone would let other people control their fate in dating.  As a woman you have a lot of power on dating sites so why give that power away???

  If a guy is so fragile he cannot take having a confident woman make the first move then he isn't someone you want to be with anyways.

 Lost