I like a guy, but we can never be

[Alex39]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am sure that's not accurate - either he was late in replying to them or it was a scam job or he is not telling you the truth.  I'm quite familiar with government work and they wouldn't give you that short of a time to relocate.

They did. He had an apartment lined up ready to go. But then his security clearance came back a month late. So the landlord rented it to someone else. Then they told him they wanted him for the job after one weekend and he couldn't find an apartment in his budget. 

[Alex39]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He couldn't have rented an Air BnB or done an efficiency apartment?

I know many people who moved cross country for job opportunities and arrived with only a suitcase. They did a short term rental and had their belongings and furniture shipped out. In fact, I did this. I even left my car (and my cat) behind and went back for them over the following weekend. 

He was on a budget and he was moving to a highly sought after area where apartments are scarce and super expensive. So he couldn't find a cheap nice one like he had on the hook before. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He was on a budget and he was moving to a highly sought after area where apartments are scarce and super expensive. So he couldn't find a cheap nice one like he had on the hook before. 

No short term rentals? No hotels? No Air BnB? Not a single one?

Anyway, this is a story he sold you and you apparently bought it.

Your vehement defense of him and everything he does is concerning. You already seem infatuated. I hope you don't allow him to use you for anything. And please don't agree to travel with him or you'll end up footing the bill. 

[Andrina]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

They did. He had an apartment lined up ready to go. But then his security clearance came back a month late. So the landlord rented it to someone else. Then they told him they wanted him for the job after one weekend and he couldn't find an apartment in his budget. 

He's nothing but excuses and you're believing all this BS.  Gov.'t clearances are done in-house, whether or not they contract companies to perform them. And they don't give you mere days to move. When I accepted a job decades ago in another state, I asked some of my future co-workers for leads, and ended up renting a room from one of them until I could get better settled. 

But if he were in fact somehow telling the truth, he could've rented an efficiency specifically for business people, or a paid a weekly rental week at a hotel, just to not lose the opportunity. That shows an extreme lack of common sense.

You're letting reality cloud your good sense about people, being drawn in by a bad choice because of a bit of attention--and strange attention at that. To me, someone who has never asked me for a date and sends me love song stuff, is plain creepy.

[Alex39]

I see what you guys are saying. I am frustrated that he can't, won't ask me on a date. 

 I think I am way too hopeful about this. I guess, I just feel like he seems to like my personality, how I look, so here's one guy who hasn't run from me yet. I like how he looks, his personality,  we are very similar people. We get along texting and talking and it's easy. We're both a bit shy. But both intellectual and kind. 

But I see that we are nothing. We text. We never go out. We never hangout. I don't ask. He doesn't ask, except for the weird camping trip, which I think he's hoping he gets a job so we can go. So I don't think that's happening anytime soon or at all. 

I know deep down I need to get out and find available guys who are on my level. But I've had such bad luck with that. I think I feel like if I keep waiting something could happen with this guy. 

But I'm being strung along. I've let that happen to me too many times. I should be smarter. 

I consider myself single and open to meeting someone, so I'm not just stuck on him. 

I don't think he's a bad guy. But he's very slow moving. I'm a go getter. I like to get things done. That's why I'm a successful business woman. He isn't lazy. He's been on dozens of interviews. He has work gaps, military experience that doesn't translate to a regular job, and weird full time employment. Sales, customer service, hiring. One year each. None of it is adding up to an employer. He applies to hiring jobs. Not enough experience.  He applied to customer service, not enough experience.  Same with sales. I feel for him. He's very detail oriented. He fills out applications very meticulously. Which takes him time. He's too slow. I think this is hurting him, because employers want fast paced. He does take too long to respond to them. I tell him to pick up the pace. He's so picky about his wording and it being perfect. He reads it over and over for days before hitting send. 

[boltnrun]

Alex, you're making so many excuses for a 35 year old man! And all because you want a boyfriend and are hoping somehow he'll get his crap together so you can finally get a boyfriend.

Why are you trying to sell yourself so short? Do you truly think you'd be happy with a guy who won't even hold a job for more than a year and who doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up? How could you have kids? You couldn't count on him to help support a family if he's taking months and even years between jobs.

And it's ludicrous to wait "days" before sending an application. By the time he gets off his duff and sends it the job is probably already filled. That is not the actions of someone who wants to work.

He's living in LaLa land financed by Mommy. Do you want to live there with him?

Please don't be so desperate to have a guy you can slap the label "boyfriend" on that you settle for someone you know won't be the right match.

 

[Alex39]

59 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Alex, you're making so many excuses for a 35 year old man! And all because you want a boyfriend and are hoping somehow he'll get his crap together so you can finally get a boyfriend.

Why are you trying to sell yourself so short? Do you truly think you'd be happy with a guy who won't even hold a job for more than a year and who doesn't seem to know what he wants to be when he grows up? How could you have kids? You couldn't count on him to help support a family if he's taking months and even years between jobs.

And it's ludicrous to wait "days" before sending an application. By the time he gets off his duff and sends it the job is probably already filled. That is not the actions of someone who wants to work.

He's living in LaLa land financed by Mommy. Do you want to live there with him?

Please don't be so desperate to have a guy you can slap the label "boyfriend" on that you settle for someone you know won't be the right match.

 

I think it's not so much having any boyfriend. I feel like I've dated for years and years and I rarely connect with someone like we do. We just enjoy talking about the same things. We are so similar in personality.  I don't find guys I connect with often at all. So it's not something I want to lose. Like that last guy I went out with. Facebook guy. Our date was pleasant. Did we connect on a lot of things? Not at all. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's not so much having any boyfriend. I feel like I've dated for years and years and I rarely connect with someone like we do. We just enjoy talking about the same things. We are so similar in personality.  I don't find guys I connect with often at all. So it's not something I want to lose. Like that last guy I went out with. Facebook guy. Our date was pleasant. Did we connect on a lot of things? Not at all. 

So the question is, are you willing to support him financially just because you like talking to him and you like his personality?

You say you want to date ambitious, go-getter types, so the fact that you're attracted to an unemployed Momma's boy is puzzling. 

[Tinydance]

Sorry Alex but if I must be honest, I don't think the situation with this guy is very good. First of all, I understand his mother is your friend, but I think she's acting inappropriate and she's really not helping you. She shouldn't be saying anything to you implying anything romantic about her son, because he's a 35-year-old man and she shouldn't be speaking on his behalf. She's also confusing you because she said: "He likes you, he finds you attractive", but then: "Romantically I don't know, he hasn't said anything". Well, if HE hasn't said anything then why does she say these things to you? It doesn't matter what she thinks or wants for you and him, this is HIS life.

Also sorry but I'm still not sure if this guy is actually romantically interested in you. I understand he doesn't work but for example you've invited him to your apartment just to watch a movie and he didn't come. Watching the movie was completely free so if he really likes you why wouldn't he go?

Now as far as I understand, he did invite you camping but it's also with another friend of his? So he's not inviting you camping alone with him. Usually when a person brings another friend it's because they just see both of you as a friend. If he wanted something romantic then he would have invited you alone. I still think you could go if you'd like to go but I don't think you should get your hopes up that this will lead to something.

You say he's not asking you out, well that's probably he doesn't want to. If he liked you a lot and the job thing was the only thing stopping him, then he would get a job so he could ask you out. 

You've posted here a few times how his Mum said this and that, but this is not coming from him. You're focusing on a guy who hasn't actually said or done anything romantic towards you. He basically just texts you and you helped him with job applications and that's all. To me personally it sounds like you're actually in the friend zone. 

You can continue talking to him but I would recommend getting on online dating and going to Meetups and singles events and also meeting other guys.

[Alex39]

45 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So the question is, are you willing to support him financially just because you like talking to him and you like his personality?

You say you want to date ambitious, go-getter types, so the fact that you're attracted to an unemployed Momma's boy is puzzling. 

He won't let me give him a dime. He won't let me support him. That's why we aren't dating. Don't you think if he wanted that, he'd already have tried to date me and be trying to live with me too? He isn't. 

[Alex39]

30 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry Alex but if I must be honest, I don't think the situation with this guy is very good. First of all, I understand his mother is your friend, but I think she's acting inappropriate and she's really not helping you. She shouldn't be saying anything to you implying anything romantic about her son, because he's a 35-year-old man and she shouldn't be speaking on his behalf. She's also confusing you because she said: "He likes you, he finds you attractive", but then: "Romantically I don't know, he hasn't said anything". Well, if HE hasn't said anything then why does she say these things to you? It doesn't matter what she thinks or wants for you and him, this is HIS life.

Also sorry but I'm still not sure if this guy is actually romantically interested in you. I understand he doesn't work but for example you've invited him to your apartment just to watch a movie and he didn't come. Watching the movie was completely free so if he really likes you why wouldn't he go?

Now as far as I understand, he did invite you camping but it's also with another friend of his? So he's not inviting you camping alone with him. Usually when a person brings another friend it's because they just see both of you as a friend. If he wanted something romantic then he would have invited you alone. I still think you could go if you'd like to go but I don't think you should get your hopes up that this will lead to something.

You say he's not asking you out, well that's probably he doesn't want to. If he liked you a lot and the job thing was the only thing stopping him, then he would get a job so he could ask you out. 

You've posted here a few times how his Mum said this and that, but this is not coming from him. You're focusing on a guy who hasn't actually said or done anything romantic towards you. He basically just texts you and you helped him with job applications and that's all. To me personally it sounds like you're actually in the friend zone. 

You can continue talking to him but I would recommend getting on online dating and going to Meetups and singles events and also meeting other guys.

I did think about that. That maybe I've friendzoned myself. I think it's too hurtful for me to think of it that way so I hold out hope. But we are just texting buddies who have met a few times. I am a very kind person, but I've wasted my energy on him when it wasn't deserved. I've helped him out occasionally with the jobs thing because I like him, wanted to help him, I like his mom, and wanted to be close to him. I'm a fool. 

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He won't let me give him a dime. He won't let me support him. That's why we aren't dating. Don't you think if he wanted that, he'd already have tried to date me and be trying to live with me too? He isn't. 

I'm talking about your side of the situation, not his. You seem to be hoping something comes of this whatever it is. And that puzzles me because he's the antithesis of the ambitious go-getter you say you want to date.

You seem sad that this hasn't turned into more than texting and occasionally visiting at his mother's home.

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He won't let me give him a dime. He won't let me support him. That's why we aren't dating.

You aren't dating because he is not trying to date you, at all.  Sheesh.  Who wouldn't just go get a part time job at Starbucks or whatever just to have some spending money, while waiting for the "career" job to come along?   Jobs like that are plentiful, he could have one tomorrow, if he wanted to ask you out on a date.  Or, if he wanted to go out and do anything at all, even by himself.   He doesn't, though. I guess he's happy just sitting at Mom's house every day and night.

Speaking of his mom: it occurs to me that you and he are both inappropriately (from my perspective, anyway) enmeshed with your mothers.  Why is she talking to you about his personal stuff?   That's not cool.   It might be a commonality that draws you together, but it's not a healthy one.

 

 

 

 

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I did think about that. That maybe I've friendzoned myself. I think it's too hurtful for me to think of it that way so I hold out hope. But we are just texting buddies who have met a few times. I am a very kind person, but I've wasted my energy on him when it wasn't deserved. I've helped him out occasionally with the jobs thing because I like him, wanted to help him, I like his mom, and wanted to be close to him. I'm a fool. 

I really think you should leave his mother out of this whole thing. This is not in high school where the mother is chaperoning and it's not an arranged marriage. I don't think you should be talking about her son with her and especially not discussing about anything romantic. I think considering both you and him are in your 30's, it's just not really appropriate. 

Also I know he said to his Mum he wants to get a job, settle down and get married, but presumably that was just a general comment? He didn't say he wants to get a job "to be with Alex". I think try to pay attention to HIS behaviours, not anything his mother is saying. 

I imagine if a guy really liked a woman but he didn't have a job, he would ask her out and try to do low key cheap or free things. You mentioned he has a pet sitting job so he has a little bit of money. He could for example invite you for a walk and you could get some coffee and ice cream. Or he could come to your apartment, get some snacks and watch a movie. If he really didn't want you to get away and find another guy then why would he just be doing nothing? He would want to start dating you and try to find a job ASAP.

There are other guys out there so you can meet others. If you're worried about being plus size, you can use the dating app Woo Plus which is for plus size. All guys who are there are fine with dating plus size women.

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

None of it is adding up to an employer.

No kidding.

He's a grown man who refuses to work in order to sustain himself. At some point, people grow up  and realize they need to take a job - any job - in order to stand on their own two feet, while they are looking for something better. This man isn't doing that. He's making excuses and waiting for his dream career, and living like a teenager in the meantime. 

So yes, employers are going to pass him by. He doesn't demonstrate initiative, maturity or professional savvy. And at his age, he's too old for that. 

[Alex39]

I want to just clear something up. His mother and I don't sit talking about him. She has no idea I like him. I always say to her how we are just friends if he's brought up. She knows we text sometimes.  She mentioned those comments to me in conversation more about his life, not about him romantically. 

She occasionally mentions how hard his job search has been. That's pretty much it. We don't sit yapping about him whatsoever. I think I've told her more about my family at times that she has about him. 

[DarkCh0c0]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I know deep down I need to get out and find available guys who are on my level. But I've had such bad luck with that.

This should be your focus Alex. You need to put yourself out there for men available to you. Anything else is just noise.

If the man you're smitten about holds a job and asks you out in a few months, then yea you can go out with him. Until then, he's just noise living rent free in your head.

Stick to your standards. You deserve nothing less than a man who already pulls his own weight and is as successful as you are. You're around my age and we don't need to be desperate AT ALL. The dating pool is huge and we've got plenty of time to date until we find the one who fits our standards and appreciates us. DO NOT settle for breadcrumbs from this guy or any guy.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's not so much having any boyfriend. I feel like I've dated for years and years and I rarely connect with someone like we do. We just enjoy talking about the same things. We are so similar in personality.  I don't find guys I connect with often at all. So it's not something I want to lose. Like that last guy I went out with. Facebook guy. Our date was pleasant. Did we connect on a lot of things? Not at all. 

What's wrong with having a friend? You could use some male friends. 

If you would stop auditioning for the role of future daughter-in-law with his mother you could relax and be friends with someone whose company you enjoy.

Maybe it's time to make friends and discontinue viewing everything as a potential maybe husband situation.

Take off the tin hat about him using you as a potential sugarmama and his mother trying to fob him off on you.

Make friends. Male and female. You're the only one who can make yourself happier and step out of this cycle of coming home to an empty house full of empty calories.

As you mentioned, it wasn't a date, he was just thinking aloud. There were no actual camping plans and this ridiculous theory about he's only mentioning it so you foot the cost is not helping you.

When you stop looking at everything through the lens of future bride, your life will be a lot less painful.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Wiseman2the thing is, she's attracted to him. She can't think of him as just a friend.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Wiseman2the thing is, she's attracted to him. She can't think of him as just a friend.

No she isn't because he doesn't fit the "husband checklist".  Someone can be attractive as a person but if you're not dating and there's zero potential it's ok to be friends.

Besides, people need friends their own age outside of family and work. I do not subscribe to the "men and women can't be friends" theory.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Wiseman2I'm not saying men and women can't be friends at all.

She's attracted him and can grow feelings for him if she decides to be friends- despite him not fitting the checklist.

I personally don't want to be too close to someone I'm smitten by who I know I can't go further with. Maybe, I'd get to know him a bit, but I'd have to end it within a month max or so. Boundaries are key to be able to move forward.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Wiseman2, . She can't think of him as just a friend.

Well that's all he is. Not everyone needs to reject friendships because someone is attractive. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think it's not so much having any boyfriend. I feel like I've dated for years and years and I rarely connect with someone like we do. We just enjoy talking about the same things. We are so similar in personality.  I don't find guys I connect with often at all. So it's not something I want to lose. Like that last guy I went out with. Facebook guy. Our date was pleasant. Did we connect on a lot of things? Not at all. 

But he doesn't meet your standards for a long term partner/spouse so why waste your time and in the meanwhile forego other opportunities because you'll be so distracted.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Wiseman2I'm not saying men and women can't be friends at all.

She's attracted him and can grow feelings for him if she decides to be friends- despite him not fitting the checklist.

I personally don't want to be too close to someone I'm smitten by who I know I can't go further with. Maybe, I'd get to know him a bit, but I'd have to end it within a month max or so. Boundaries are key to be able to move forward.

Yes it depends how attracted and in this case she could complicate/ruin her friendship with the mother as well.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want to just clear something up. His mother and I don't sit talking about him. She has no idea I like him. I always say to her how we are just friends if he's brought up. She knows we text sometimes.  She mentioned those comments to me in conversation more about his life, not about him romantically. 

She occasionally mentions how hard his job search has been. That's pretty much it. We don't sit yapping about him whatsoever. I think I've told her more about my family at times that she has about him. 

I'm going to pull out the Mother Card. She knows.  That's why she made the comments she did about how he finds you attractive and all the other comments she mentioned.  Also she's uber focused on her adult son so for that reason -she also knows.