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Dying mother is cutting me off


janet99
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hi everyone im overwhelmed with sadness and anger. regarding my abusive parents

so i posted a few months back but things have changed a lot since then. my mom cut off my grandma (her own mom) and got greedy because my grandma wanted to leave a part of her assets to me (my mom was given 50%-75%), and also because my grandma withdrew $6,000 from their joint account, without telling her. so when my mom knew she accused my grandma of theft, even though these are HER (grans) assets. so from then on shes been cursing my grandma and emotionally abusing her and told me she doesnt want to take care of her gran is 74 but still cleans and cooks and helps at home. so from then i started to buy groceries onyl for me and gran, we were unwelcome at their table, i was paying a 1/4 of the rent and the wifi.  

then, 1 month ago my mom found out she has pancreatic cancer. she was hospitalized and was receiving excellent care. i even helped a little bit with the bills

meanwhile, my dad wasnt telling me or my grandma anything. instead he was coming home, blasting music, drinking and smoking and crying to people that his wife has cancer (he started before it was even confirmed, like they were suspicious). and my dad is a POS, he owes lots of money to people, he lies, scams, steals. he got my mom court cases with fraud, and bounced checks. he was cheating on her with girls my age, complaining to his friends how she is abusing them and showing bruises and all. and she knows that i mean she saw it  . even she used to apply for work and he would go and say lies that shes abusive and crazy so they wont take her

also i had moved out before but my mom manipulated me into moving back in with them, but for a good amount of time they used me for money and now are refusing to give it back to me saying they dont owe me anything. 

i didnt tell anyone my mom has cancer ofc only my 3 childhood bestfriends who are practically my sisters. she didnt want me to go to the hsopital but everyday i was messaging her and sending prayers and hopeful wishes. i also said i am willng to forget all the fights and pain and start over and that its her chance at a new life. when she came back she was nice to me for a bit, then suddenly turned the page and became very hateful. cussing me , swearing, even going as far as hitting me and telling me she hopes i die over and over. i try to stay out of her way, and dont even cross her path but she still starts. anyway today my dad messaged me and said next month he is moving to 1BR with my mom and i have 3 weeks to find a place for me and my grandma

i didnt object i gladly will. but i am shocked, angry, hurt, i cant stop crying as im typing this. how can she forgive that idiot and keep him beside her and cut off her own mother and own daughter? i told him i will and i want the money he owes me back

 

i dont know how to feel about this, idk what to do 

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4 hours ago, janet99 said:

hi everyone im overwhelmed with sadness and anger. regarding my abusive parents

so i posted a few months back but things have changed a lot since then. my mom cut off my grandma (her own mom) and got greedy because my grandma wanted to leave a part of her assets to me (my mom was given 50%-75%), and also because my grandma withdrew $6,000 from their joint account, without telling her. so when my mom knew she accused my grandma of theft, even though these are HER (grans) assets. so from then on shes been cursing my grandma and emotionally abusing her and told me she doesnt want to take care of her gran is 74 but still cleans and cooks and helps at home. so from then i started to buy groceries onyl for me and gran, we were unwelcome at their table, i was paying a 1/4 of the rent and the wifi.  

then, 1 month ago my mom found out she has pancreatic cancer. she was hospitalized and was receiving excellent care. i even helped a little bit with the bills

meanwhile, my dad wasnt telling me or my grandma anything. instead he was coming home, blasting music, drinking and smoking and crying to people that his wife has cancer (he started before it was even confirmed, like they were suspicious). and my dad is a POS, he owes lots of money to people, he lies, scams, steals. he got my mom court cases with fraud, and bounced checks. he was cheating on her with girls my age, complaining to his friends how she is abusing them and showing bruises and all. and she knows that i mean she saw it  . even she used to apply for work and he would go and say lies that shes abusive and crazy so they wont take her

also i had moved out before but my mom manipulated me into moving back in with them, but for a good amount of time they used me for money and now are refusing to give it back to me saying they dont owe me anything. 

i didnt tell anyone my mom has cancer ofc only my 3 childhood bestfriends who are practically my sisters. she didnt want me to go to the hsopital but everyday i was messaging her and sending prayers and hopeful wishes. i also said i am willng to forget all the fights and pain and start over and that its her chance at a new life. when she came back she was nice to me for a bit, then suddenly turned the page and became very hateful. cussing me , swearing, even going as far as hitting me and telling me she hopes i die over and over. i try to stay out of her way, and dont even cross her path but she still starts. anyway today my dad messaged me and said next month he is moving to 1BR with my mom and i have 3 weeks to find a place for me and my grandma

i didnt object i gladly will. but i am shocked, angry, hurt, i cant stop crying as im typing this. how can she forgive that idiot and keep him beside her and cut off her own mother and own daughter? i told him i will and i want the money he owes me back

 

i dont know how to feel about this, idk what to do 

You can’t change them. Acceptance is very hard but at some point realize that there needs to be an end to the effect they have over you. Don’t text message someone in the hospital fighting cancer trying to convince them that they have a chance to set wrongs right. It’s not the time and place especially considering your relationship. It’s also not your place to suggest that. 

She opted to stay with your father and those are her decisions. You can’t save your mother. Stop trying. Let go. 

Move out permanently this time and don’t go back. 

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My dad died 2 years ago this month. He was an abusive parent who I was mostly estranged from for 30 years. 
 

When someone is dying it is time for peace. I just told my dad I loved him and if he wanted death it was his life and I would abide by what he wanted. Did I want more ? Absolutely. However, I also realised I was never going to get what I wanted nor what I needed from him and while he was dying was certainly not the time . I have the benefit of being an adult in my 50’s and established long ago. 
 

You will have to create peace and happiness for yourself now and let your mom pass in peace. You will have to re mother yourself. You will be ok. Hugs . 

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My heart goes out to you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Do you have a reasonably good relationship with your Grandmom?

Maybe the two of you can bond and comfort one another. If your Mom comes around to wanting contact with you, you can cross that bridge.

I can appreciate your grief. You may need to reconcile that your Mom is emotionally damaged, which is why she would take up with someone as cruel as your Dad in the first place.

Consider that you may be able to find free or low cost counseling services through a local university that supervises a PhD program in clinical psychology.

Write more if it helps, and I'm holding you in my thoughts.

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That’s a pretty substantial let down (your housing security as well as your sense of connection with her). You have all of my commiserations. 
 

As to what to do, if you can strive to accept what is, and set your course of action accordingly, I think you’ll recover from this heart break quicker. (That is to say, when you’re safely secure in a room of your own in a house you found by yourself, whole house or share house, both are valid options, you’ll feel better than you do currently). 
 

The advice about finding a way to parent yourself is also very, very good. It sucks to have to but the great thing about growing up is, we can.

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1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

That’s a pretty substantial let down (your housing security as well as your sense of connection with her). You have all of my commiserations. 
 

As to what to do, if you can strive to accept what is, and set your course of action accordingly, I think you’ll recover from this heart break quicker. (That is to say, when you’re safely secure in a room of your own in a house you found by yourself, whole house or share house, both are valid options, you’ll feel better than you do currently). 
 

The advice about finding a way to parent yourself is also very, very good. It sucks to have to but the great thing about growing up is, we can.

Thank you very much for your kind advice. Its not a problem i mean i am able to afford it. I am just angry that she chose that low-life of a father and made me her enemy and is constantly abusing me. because if i leave this time, i wont ever go back to her. i guess what scares me is if she passes and we ended up on such bad terms. furthermore, that my "father" instead of helping to fix the situation is making it even worse . 

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3 hours ago, janet99 said:

. i guess what scares me is if she passes and we ended up on such bad terms. 

Of course.  It's natural to feel that way.  But you didn't create the bad terms and from what you've shared there doesn't seem to be any hope of you fixing them.

Acceptance is the key here.  Accepting that your parents are the way they are.  We don't get to pick our families and for your own sake, you need to consider distancing yourself from them.  You can choose times on your own terms to check in with mom.  But with a safe healthy place to go you can find some balance and peace.

I like the idea of moving with your grandmother.  You can cultivate that relationship with her and the whole experience will bring you two closer.  This may be all the family you really need. 

This isn't going to get any better the way it is.

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16 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Of course.  It's natural to feel that way.  But you didn't create the bad terms and from what you've shared there doesn't seem to be any hope of you fixing them.

Acceptance is the key here.  Accepting that your parents are the way they are.  We don't get to pick our families and for your own sake, you need to consider distancing yourself from them.  You can choose times on your own terms to check in with mom.  But with a safe healthy place to go you can find some balance and peace.

I like the idea of moving with your grandmother.  You can cultivate that relationship with her and the whole experience will bring you two closer.  This may be all the family you really need. 

This isn't going to get any better the way it is.

Yes, that’s what I was trying to say, the other person has to participate in the relationship. If our parents won’t participate they won’t . That part isn’t up to us. It took me decades to accept this and it was a hard blow even when my dad died we were no closer to a real relationship and it was never going to happen. That is hard to swallow at any age to be sure. It is so hard knowing your parent wants no relationship with you. It is their demons to carry. We don’t need to pick up that mantle. I drove myself crazy for decades wondering why I wasn’t enough. That is why I say we need to parent ourselves and let go. It is the best thing we can do for ourselves. 

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I cut off my father the day I turned 18. I do not and will not regret removing him from my life. He was a deadbeat and if he didn't care if I ate or had adequate clothing when I was a child I sure don't have to care about him. He doesn't deserve a relationship with me or his beautiful grandchildren.

Is your grandmother still also abusive toward you? 

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