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My husband’s bestfriend


Ad_Bc
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20 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

Woah! Relax! I am not seducing anyone. Nor do I want to seduce anyone. The fact that I am here talking to people means I am asking for help from other people rather than going to him for a “shoulder to cry on”.

Just saying how it starts. And that you exhibiting early signs of it with having a special connection and how you cant stop thinking about him. Not saying that it would really happen. Just that you are really playing with fire there and that you should find other ways to entertain yourself.

Also, dunno if its your "fault" or moderation moved it, but this whole thread is under "Infidelity" section. So even you know that its concerning.

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What are the personality differences you have with your husband that prevent you from bonding or having deep conversations? 

Is your husband a drinker? Any alcohol involved? Has he ever hit you? How does he speak to you? 

What’s your dynamic like in your marriage?

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Geez this does sound like a problem or two. What I mean by that is, it started out you're unhappy in your new life.  Your hubs knows you're unhappy but his support is to simply leave it on you to join groups and make new friends? 

I think you should talk to him again about this problem and what you two can do together to improve your life together. 

He's kinda dropping the ball here, leaving it on you.  Maybe the solution is to move to a more welcoming place where you build a life both of you enjoy.  Not just one he likes, while you die on the inside. 

If you two can work on this, maybe it will restart the relationship.  Give you a mutual goal to work towards. You may even discuss leaving on your own if he can't support you and find a compromise. 

As for his bff. It does suck.  I have been in similar shoes. I was in a relationship (not married) and I met someone else. I did end the relationship. Not so much for the other guy.  but meeting him, showed me what was missing in my relationship. 

I don't regret ending it at all. but it didn't work out with the guy in the long run. I feel I learned a lot about myself and what I needed in a relationship. 

So you have to think about a few things... one is what will it take to make you happy in your life and marriage? 

Which naturally leads to number two, is this the marriage you want? 

The other guy is really just a side note to those things because little crushes are normal. To think you're going to be happy with the guy is a fantasy. You don't know him.  You've had some fun conversations but you're also really unhappy.  So you need to be realistic... in time you may find this guy is not the same as you think. And you've risked your marriage with the father of your child for someone that's not what you thought. 

Figure out how and what you need to get happy. Talk to your hubs and at least offer some options and give him a chance to be the hubs you need. 

If he can't well, then what are you going to do for yourself? 

Leave new guy out of it.  Get yourself straight. 

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4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I understand what it would feel like to be really lonely in a new country, not speak the language and have no friends. Also is the husband making any effort to actually include her in his life and have her spend time with his friends and family? She's new there so it's his job to help her settle in and get to know people he knows too.

I really do want to make it work with my husband. He treats me really well, and I know no relationship is perfect. We just don’t experience new things anymore, we even work together. So there’s no downtime or opportunity to miss each other.
 

My husband has been away from his country as well so connectiond had been lost. And the friends he is still connected to are all single. So no wives or girlfriends for me to meet through him. 

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27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you considered moving to your home country and working out a divorce and custody arrangement with your husband? Even having this one man to talk to, it won't solve the overall problem of the location, language and mentality differences

I have thought about going back to my country but I wanted to take him and out child, not divorce him

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11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Just saying how it starts. And that you exhibiting early signs of it with having a special connection and how you cant stop thinking about him. Not saying that it would really happen. Just that you are really playing with fire there and that you should find other ways to entertain yourself.

Also, dunno if its your "fault" or moderation moved it, but this whole thread is under "Infidelity" section. So even you know that its concerning.

Yes, I put it under infidelity because I felt like I was emotionally cheating and it was appropriate to put this issue under infidelity. It is dangerous, I agree. 
 

When you keep things to yourself, the urge becomes overwhelming and all-consuming. This is the very reason why I wanted to speak about it, because I don’t want to play with fire

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If you want to remain married you are both going to have to find some common ground and things you both enjoy. 

For instance my husband and I love museums and historical places , we like walking together , we like going on drives together. We talk about history and politics and lots of things. We may not always agree on what we talk about and we don’t have similar personalities but we have the same values and goals and some very common interests and can always make more. 

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9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What are the personality differences you have with your husband that prevent you from bonding or having deep conversations? 

Is your husband a drinker? Any alcohol involved? Has he ever hit you? How does he speak to you? 

What’s your dynamic like in your marriage?

Drinking is a culture in this country. They’re not all alcoholics, my husband enjoys drinking but I wouldn’t categorize him as an alcoholic. I enjoy drinking as well. 
 

I am an introvert, and he is an extrovert who has never had any suicidal thoughts his entire life. He loves being around a lot of people and I am the complete opposite. He has never hit me or screamed at me whatsoever. When we have arguments which rarely happens and he raises his voice a little bit he instantly apologizes for it. He is a very kind soul. I, on the otherhand, am a very damaged person. Severely damaged from mental abuse from my parents and previous relationships. I am lucky he puts up with me

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4 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

Drinking is a culture in this country. They’re not all alcoholics, my husband enjoys drinking but I wouldn’t categorize him as an alcoholic. I enjoy drinking as well. 
 

I am an introvert, and he is an extrovert who has never had any suicidal thoughts his entire life. He loves being around a lot of people and I am the complete opposite. He has never hit me or screamed at me whatsoever. When we have arguments which rarely happens and he raises his voice a little bit he instantly apologizes for it. He is a very kind soul. I, on the otherhand, am a very damaged person. Severely damaged from mental abuse from my parents and previous relationships. I am lucky he puts up with me

You’ll have to work through this in therapy if available to you. 

You may not want to hear this but you’re self-sabotaging and enacting parts of your past, creating issues in your marriage. Do you like who you are as a person or do you struggle with self-loathing? 

It will be difficult to sustain relationships with low self-worth.

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17 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Geez this does sound like a problem or two. What I mean by that is, it started out you're unhappy in your new life.  Your hubs knows you're unhappy but his support is to simply leave it on you to join groups and make new friends? 

I think you should talk to him again about this problem and what you two can do together to improve your life together. 

He's kinda dropping the ball here, leaving it on you.  Maybe the solution is to move to a more welcoming place where you build a life both of you enjoy.  Not just one he likes, while you die on the inside. 

If you two can work on this, maybe it will restart the relationship.  Give you a mutual goal to work towards. You may even discuss leaving on your own if he can't support you and find a compromise. 

As for his bff. It does suck.  I have been in similar shoes. I was in a relationship (not married) and I met someone else. I did end the relationship. Not so much for the other guy.  but meeting him, showed me what was missing in my relationship. 

I don't regret ending it at all. but it didn't work out with the guy in the long run. I feel I learned a lot about myself and what I needed in a relationship. 

So you have to think about a few things... one is what will it take to make you happy in your life and marriage? 

Which naturally leads to number two, is this the marriage you want? 

The other guy is really just a side note to those things because little crushes are normal. To think you're going to be happy with the guy is a fantasy. You don't know him.  You've had some fun conversations but you're also really unhappy.  So you need to be realistic... in time you may find this guy is not the same as you think. And you've risked your marriage with the father of your child for someone that's not what you thought. 

Figure out how and what you need to get happy. Talk to your hubs and at least offer some options and give him a chance to be the hubs you need. 

If he can't well, then what are you going to do for yourself? 

Leave new guy out of it.  Get yourself straight. 

I really don’t want to start anything with his bestfriend. They were living together and before I even met his bestfriend I already knew so much about him. He had depression, tried to kill himself, etc. Definitely not something I want to get tangled with since I am so similar, it will just be like going down the rabbit hole. 
 

Admittedly, I have issues. And clearly, they are the source of all this mess in my head. Sometimes I feel like my husband is no longer attracted to me since we’re rarely intimate. To married people here, how often do you have sex with your spouse? We do it once a month. Is that normal? 
 

Perhaps, my husband also needs to think about whether he still wants to be with me or not

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2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You’ll have to work through this in therapy if available to you. 

You may not want to hear this but you’re self-sabotaging and enacting parts of your past, creating issues in your marriage. Do you like who you are as a person or do you struggle with self-loathing? 

It will be difficult to sustain relationships with low self-worth.

I am self-sabotaging and self-loathing. I have everything I need. And yet here I am. 

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16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If you want to remain married you are both going to have to find some common ground and things you both enjoy. 

For instance my husband and I love museums and historical places , we like walking together , we like going on drives together. We talk about history and politics and lots of things. We may not always agree on what we talk about and we don’t have similar personalities but we have the same values and goals and some very common interests and can always make more. 

The more I reply to people here, the more I realize that this is not about my husband or his bestfriend. 
 

I love going to museums, my husband doesn’t. I like history, my husband doesn’t. My husband loves watching tv shows involving drugs, ghetto neighborhoods and such, I don’t. My dad had a susbstance abuse problem and it’s a trigger for me. We are just different

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I see what you mean by your differences. You’re stuck in a rut quite frankly and have no life outside your marriage. All you see is a reflection of your husband’s interests and it’s stale and boring. Drugs and ghetto neighborhoods are boring. Call a spade a spade. You’re looking for something more on your wavelength, refined perhaps and more in tune with your interests. It is YOUR responsibility to start engaging with your community and finding what interests you. Maybe there’s a book club or painting classes you can join. 

Your husband is entitled to his own likes/interests but they are not always yours and you don’t have to share them. Find ways to cherish and nurture your sense of self. I think that part of you stalled and is broken, chugging along in the mud of daily routine and you forgot how to care for yourself. 

No, it is not about your husband’s friend. 

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I like horror movies and my husband despises them. He loves loves LOVES war movies I hate them beyond dimension. He loves sports any sport known to mankind. I hate it. I love to talk , my husband doesn’t. He is a pretty quiet man unless he has something to impart to you . My son is the same in that respect. However, we really talk a lot when we go on walks or hikes and drives or holidays. 
 

Over the decades I have become less extroverted and my husband has become more extroverted. We have taken on parts of each other’s personality. 

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1 hour ago, Ad_Bc said:

This is inspirational, the type of story that gives this seemingly hopeless situation I am in, as in my current living situation, a glimmer of hope. 
 

“The stuffy farm people” seem to be in league with my “stuffy town people”. I’ll keep working to find something. Thank you for not being judgemental and for sharing your story. 

To be honest I hated living on our farm, because the people were not friendly.  I wished many times I'd found that music school years sooner than I did.  Another good part is, I am still friends with my former teacher and the lady who owned the school.  We meet in Mexico every winter!

Please find an outlet for your energy and interests, it's out there, you just have to think outside the box sometimes.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Find ways to cherish and nurture your sense of self.

I think this bears repeating. No matter how much you love another person, you have to have your own sense of self.  

And it doesn't have to be a huge deal.  it can be as simple as making time to do something you enjoy just for you and your own benefit. 

I like to go to yoga class or wonder around the bookstore.  Just doing one of those things keeps me in touch with who I am.  

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1 hour ago, Ad_Bc said:

To married people here, how often do you have sex with your spouse? We do it once a month. Is that normal? 

What do you think is normal for you? This is your marriage. It makes no difference what other people do.  your needs are your responsibility. If you need more, you should tell your husband you need more. your needs matter. 

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17 minutes ago, Lambert said:

What do you think is normal for you? This is your marriage. It makes no difference what other people do.  your needs are your responsibility. If you need more, you should tell your husband you need more. your needs matter. 

I have discussed this with him, nothing changed and it has been years

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Just now, Ad_Bc said:

I have discussed this with him, nothing changed and it has been years

I think this is a serious problem. Why isn't he concerned about your needs? Why is your unhappiness only your problem?  Where is he in all this? 

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2 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

The more I reply to people here, the more I realize that this is not about my husband or his bestfriend. 
 

I love going to museums, my husband doesn’t. I like history, my husband doesn’t. My husband loves watching tv shows involving drugs, ghetto neighborhoods and such, I don’t. My dad had a susbstance abuse problem and it’s a trigger for me. We are just different

So go on your own! And why did you marry him if you were so different in these respects -which seems to be so important to you now.

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8 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

I have discussed this with him, nothing changed and it has been years

What specifically have you discussed? Have you organized a trip or an outing and asked him to go with you?

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12 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

I have discussed this with him, nothing changed and it has been years

A couple serious questions, which I would be curious to hear your thoughts on:

Why have you stayed married to him and had a child together if you've been unhappy for such a long time? 

Why did you marry him to begin with, knowing how different you are? 

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50 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think this is a serious problem. Why isn't he concerned about your needs? Why is your unhappiness only your problem?  Where is he in all this? 

He is concerned about my needs. Whenever I raise the issue with him, he tries to do something about it. The only problem is consistency. 

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45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What specifically have you discussed? Have you organized a trip or an outing and asked him to go with you?

Again, there is the baby sitting issue. We were supposed to travel somewhere on December for a friend’s wedding but we couldn’t do it since my mother-in-law is unwilling to watch our child for a week. We can’t take her with us since the place isn’t too baby friendly. 

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44 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A couple serious questions, which I would be curious to hear your thoughts on:

Why have you stayed married to him and had a child together if you've been unhappy for such a long time? 

Why did you marry him to begin with, knowing how different you are? 

I have dated a few people whom I had a lot in common with, it didn’t work out. I stayed married to him because he is a good person, and as I said nobody is perfect,and everybody’s different. So our differences shouldn’t be the basis of happiness. 
 

I know this is my problem, I lost myself along the way. This unhappiness happened gradually, I believe. At some point before getting married we were living together and I was busy with school, he was busy with work. We fell into a routine of binging tv shows like a zombie just to unwind. It wasn’t like this when we got married. 
 

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