My husband’s bestfriend

[Lambert]

25 minutes ago, Ad_Bc said:

 This unhappiness happened gradually, I believe.

I understand. That is usually how it happens... I know when I've let it happen, it started out with the best of intentions- out of love I let something slide, I didn't want to make a fuss, I assumed they would do the same for me and the pendulum would come back in my favor.  but never happened. 

I think that's what it meant by doing the work.  it's like I have to be the tough parent to myself and not let myself do that. I must require people hold up their end of the relationship. Its tough. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

We fell into a routine of binging tv shows like a zombie just to unwind. It wasn’t like this when we got married. 

Okay, so can you two not work on 'spicing things up' again? Make date nights.. make your lives a little more exciting.

I can understand this 'good release' in your ability to click with his friend, but this is all he should be.  Not cross that line. You are married and he is your husbands friend.. Give it time for these 'emotions' to settle down.

You know there is possibility for YOU to look at other ways to get to know other people around you.  Try looking into something to your liking.. like a craft group.. or sports, whatever it is you enjoy.  Years ago I was in a local volleyball grp was fun! 🙂 .. I also joined a local singles grp.. made a few friends that way too.  We'd join for a dinner, coffee, movies, etc. ( I never got involved with anyone, just friends).

As mentioned, you've considered the idea of you all going back to your homeland?  Is this possible?

There are all different ways to work on your relationship- not lose yourself over his friend.  I feel that was just a quick 'high' because of your boredom of what you're in at this time.

[Tinydance]

Well, I think that not having all the same hobbies and interests isn't a problem necessarily in a relationship. It can be a problem if the people have barely any common ground at all, can't find any things or activities they can do together. I usually didn't have a huge amount of interests in common with some of my ex's because they were into sci-fi, video games, computers, gadgets, and I'm not. But we still had a connection and click and some things we enjoyed doing together. Like going to the movies, dining out, going out with friends, going to museums, going on trips.

I think maybe what the issue is that you don't have any friends I'm this country to spend time with and that leaves only your husband to do things with. And because you're into certain things and he's not, it's really highlighted to you where you don't have the same interests. When my ex's weren't interested in doing something for example, I did things with my girl friends instead. In this case I think because you don't have anyone else, it all of a sudden highlighted all the differences you have with your husband.

I understand it's very lonely to be in a new country and not know anyone but I think unfortunately if you decide to stay here, you'll have to come to an acceptance of the situation. And you'll have to start to make an effort to put yourself out there and make new friends. You'll need to try to learn the language even if it's hard and make a lot of effort to make new friends. 

I know there are some countries that are not multicultural and foreigners don't really fit in. But still I think there must be some people who are nice, even if there aren't as many of them. I would still recommend going to mother's groups just on the off chance that there may be some other foreign women there or women who are more open to friendship. Even if you don't meet friends there but at least you and your child can get out of the house and have a change of scenery.

Do they have any groups at all for people who are ex pats or foreigners? Also usually people who go to Meetup groups are there because they're trying to meet more people and male friends. You could join some Meetup groups related to your hobbies and interests.

I understand you have a small child so you're also limited in what you can do. But just try to get out there as much as you can and do your best.

I think you have a crush on your husband's friend and crushes can happen. But obviously even being friends with him isn't really appropriate because he's a guy and your husband's best friend. If I was married, I wouldn't like it if my husband just started hanging out with my best friend without me. I think you need to make at least some friends of your own. Even if it's just one woman to go for a coffee with sometimes but you need someone else. I just don't think your husband's friend is an option for friendship, especially as you actually like him.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

Again, there is the baby sitting issue. We were supposed to travel somewhere on December for a friend’s wedding but we couldn’t do it since my mother-in-law is unwilling to watch our child for a week. We can’t take her with us since the place isn’t too baby friendly. 

A week is a really long time -were you offering to pay her? Did you try to find another sitter? Could you find a sitter at the place or take your mother in law with you? What does that have to do with not meeting people or not doing social activities where you live? We haven't been away overnight without our child ever.  He's 13.  

[Andrina]

First off, finding a fulfilling hobby/interest for yourself, if you've never heard of the quote from the movie Field of Dreams, Google it: "If you build it, they will come."

If you can't find any Meetup.com groups in your town, create and lead one yourself. What would you find interesting? Book discussion group? Mommy and Me group with field trips? Hiking, kayaking, bicycling? Wine tastings? Monthly potlucks/cookie exchanges? Even if it's slow to take off, stick with it.

It would be good if you had a few days or nights per week to engage in where your husband will be the one to care for your child. That would be a good way for him to miss you, and see you in a new light with your new passion. It might also wake him up that you have other interests besides him and your daughter, and that he better step up to the plate and keep things more interesting in the marriage.

Don't be so harsh on the poster who painted a picture of what leads to an emotional and/or physical affair. Emotional affairs are just as hurtful as physical ones, and you've already shone this could happen as per the title of your post. A person of the opposite gender, who you look forward to seeing like this, is who you have to avoid at all costs.

You won't like this advice, but you're going to have to tell that friend you can't be Facebook friends with him, and there cannot be anymore hugs or in depth conversations. Let him know it's not a good idea because you've realized it's not healthy for your marriage. And don't let him argue the point. It sounds like he might be crossing boundaries, and is not really an ethical person, so you're idealizing someone who isn't against a bit of excitement with a friend's wife.

Concentrate on yourself and your family, and pulling out all the stops, including therapy if possible. At the very least, tell your hubby you'd like to improve the marriage and read some books together on ways to do that. Read a chapter per day, taking turns reading out loud to one another. If your in-laws are willing to babysit once a week or month, try a new activity with your husband. Take a cooking class. Or just cook together, trying a new recipe, and making a picnic on the living room floor. Shake up your boring routine.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Alex39]

Its lust,it's exciting, it's not real. 

 

You and this man find this intriguing and exciting, because it's bad. I think you need to stop this at once. 

Love abd marriage isn't always passion, excitement, and fun. It's also raising children, building a home, hard times, good times, building wealth together, building stability. 

You would risk all that which is marriage for some passion?

You are unavailable. Get that into your head. Trust me, this man friend knows it too. 

Be open with your husband. Sit down and talk to him that you miss having sex. That you miss date nights and couples fun. Tell him you want to inject some excitement into your relationship.  Then do it. Plan date nights, get a babysitter. Plan fun couples parties at your house. Go out and enjoy a nice dinner. Get tickets to a fun show together. Leave the baby with family and take a sexy couple vacation. Spice up what you have already. Sounds like you aren't doing enough outside the home, so of course you have nothing to talk about. Again, get a babysitter and plan a sexy passionate night at home. 

 

Sounds like you need to work things out with your husband. It's easy to look elsewhere, it's harder to put effort into what you have. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

I have dated a few people whom I had a lot in common with, it didn’t work out. I stayed married to him because he is a good person, and as I said nobody is perfect,and everybody’s different. So our differences shouldn’t be the basis of happiness. 
 

I know this is my problem, I lost myself along the way. This unhappiness happened gradually, I believe. At some point before getting married we were living together and I was busy with school, he was busy with work. We fell into a routine of binging tv shows like a zombie just to unwind. It wasn’t like this when we got married. 
 

There's a lot going on here, and you're right, it has nothing to do with a crush on this friend. Perhaps he's just one of the few people who speaks English well enough to have a conversation with. Your husband is bilingual? 

You claim your husband is a good man. That may also be true.

What jumps out is that when you were childless and both working/going to school and had intellectual stimulation and socialization you were much happier.

I don't think clubs and groups will help much if you are not fluent or culturally integrated. It sounds like being an isolated SAHM particularly as a stranger in a strange land is extremely lonesome.

However you can take some classes besides the language class. Anything. Cooking, yoga whatever is available in your area. You don't have to be fluent for a lot of stuff. Language proficiency is important. No one can really thrive on tourist phrases for a real connection to someone.

[Ad_Bc]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a lot going on here, and you're right, it has nothing to do with a crush on this friend. Perhaps he's just one of the few people who speaks English well enough to have a conversation with. Your husband is bilingual? 

You claim your husband is a good man. That may also be true.

What jumps out is that when you were childless and both working/going to school and had intellectual stimulation and socialization you were much happier.

I don't think clubs and groups will help much if you are not fluent or culturally integrated. It sounds like being an isolated SAHM particularly as a stranger in a strange land is extremely lonesome.

However you can take some classes besides the language class. Anything. Cooking, yoga whatever is available in your area. You don't have to be fluent for a lot of stuff. Language proficiency is important. No one can really thrive on tourist phrases for a real connection to someone.

Everyone in my age bracket speaks English in this country. The language problem is another issue that doesn’t have anything to do with making friends. 
 

I am not a SAHM, I work with my husband in their family business. The problem with making friends here is not the language. It’s such a tight knit society that you’ll only ever be welcomed if you grew up with them.

[Ad_Bc]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Its lust,it's exciting, it's not real. 

 

You and this man find this intriguing and exciting, because it's bad. I think you need to stop this at once. 

ILove abd marriage isn't always passion, excitement, and fun. It's also raising children, building a home, hard times, good times, building wealth together, building stability. 

You would risk all that which is marriage for some passion?

First of all, we don’t know if the feeling is mutual. For all I know, he is just a nice person and is genuinely just happy to find someone who gets him. He is not making any moves whatsoever. I am facebool friends with a lot of my husband’s friends and sometimes they send me messages too. All of these communications are not by any means a secret to my husband. I tell my husband whatever I talk about with his friends, even the in depth conversation I had with this friend currently in question. 
 

I am aware that marriage consists of other things besides love and passion. And in no way, at any time did I mention I was going to act upon my thoughts. 

[Ad_Bc]

13 hours ago, Andrina said:

Don't be so harsh on the poster who painted a picture of what leads to an emotional and/or physical affair. Emotional affairs are just as hurtful as physical ones, and you've already shone this could happen as per the title of your post. A person of the opposite gender, who you look forward to seeing like this, is who you have to avoid at all costs.

You won't like this advice, but you're going to have to tell that friend you can't be Facebook friends with him, and there cannot be anymore hugs or in depth conversations. Let him know it's not a good idea because you've realized it's not healthy for your marriage. And don't let him argue the point. It sounds like he might be crossing boundaries, and is not really an ethical person, so you're idealizing someone who isn't against a bit of excitement with a friend's wife.

 

All of my husband’s friends hug me and kiss me on the cheek when they see me. This is a normal greeting here. I have had in depth conversations with almost all of them as well. There is nothing malicious about a hug. There is nothibg malicious about being friends on facebook and there is nothing malicious about thanking the host of a party. It seems like everyone has painted a picture of my husband’s friend as someone who is trying to hit on me or “isn’t against a bit of excitement with a friend’s wife”. We do not secretly correspond, nor do we secretly meet up in private. Even if, say, there is some attraction on his part as well, you can rest assured that he has not and will not act upon it. Nor will I. 
 

 

[Ad_Bc]

14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think maybe what the issue is that you don't have any friends I'm this country to spend time with and that leaves only your husband to do things with. And because you're into certain things and he's not, it's really highlighted to you where you don't have the same interests. When my ex's weren't interested in doing something for example, I did things with my girl friends instead. In this case I think because you don't have anyone else, it all of a sudden highlighted all the differences you have with your husband.

I think you have a crush on your husband's friend and crushes can happen. But obviously even being friends with him isn't really appropriate because he's a guy and your husband's best friend. If I was married, I wouldn't like it if my husband just started hanging out with my best friend without me. I think you need to make at least some friends of your own. Even if it's just one woman to go for a coffee with sometimes but you need someone else. I just don't think your husband's friend is an option for friendship, especially as you actually like him.

Yes, that is the issue indeed. The fact that I don’t have friends to share my other interests with. I don’t do well in large groups. I find it challenging to connect with people that way. Over the course of my entire lifetime, I only had one friend in every country that I’ve lived in. I am still looking for that friend in the country I’m currently living in. 

I do not intend to hang out with ANY of my husband’s male friends without him. That is inappropriate. 

[Andrina]

10 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

All of my husband’s friends hug me and kiss me on the cheek when they see me. This is a normal greeting here. I have had in depth conversations with almost all of them as well. There is nothing malicious about a hug. There is nothibg malicious about being friends on facebook and there is nothing malicious about thanking the host of a party. It seems like everyone has painted a picture of my husband’s friend as someone who is trying to hit on me or “isn’t against a bit of excitement with a friend’s wife”. We do not secretly correspond, nor do we secretly meet up in private. Even if, say, there is some attraction on his part as well, you can rest assured that he has not and will not act upon it. Nor will I. 
 

But you've only mentioned the one man and named your post about him. Emotional affairs sneak up on you. You've given nothing but excuses, regarding valid advice given about him and your activities. What you've done in the past isn't working now. Challenging oneself is the only way to grow, even if scary, uncomfortable, etc. You're self-sabotaging with self-talk about what you perceive your barriers are. I used to physically shake if I had to speak when called upon in class in junior high. I joined a masonic teen group where we had to regularly utter lines memorized as per an office we held. With practice, I improved in public speaking.

You're the only one holding yourself back. And you're doing yourself a disservice, pooh-poohing the great advice you've received, arguing every point. Even in cultures with a large population stuck into a certain mold, there are always rebels and people who think differently than the herd. You can find them if you turn enough rocks over. It's just another excuse you're clinging onto. Nobody can help you when you won't help yourself.

 

[Batya33]

On 7/5/2022 at 5:00 AM, Ad_Bc said:

Sometimes I’d see him in my peripheral vision just staring at me until he realizes that he’s staring. When he left, he gave me a really tight hug twice. Then at 3am that night he sent me a message thanking me for the invite and that it was exactly what he needed.

That crosses the line IMO.  LOL of course he "realized" he was staring and if not then it's even a more concerning scenario. My husband's male friends would never send just me a message like that let alone at 3AM.  Yes, one might email both of us at a random time to thank both of us for inviting him to whatever.  That's different.

[Ad_Bc]

10 hours ago, Andrina said:

But you've only mentioned the one man and named your post about him. Emotional affairs sneak up on you. You've given nothing but excuses, regarding valid advice given about him and your activities. What you've done in the past isn't working now. Challenging oneself is the only way to grow, even if scary, uncomfortable, etc. You're self-sabotaging with self-talk about what you perceive your barriers are. I used to physically shake if I had to speak when called upon in class in junior high. I joined a masonic teen group where we had to regularly utter lines memorized as per an office we held. With practice, I improved in public speaking.

You're the only one holding yourself back. And you're doing yourself a disservice, pooh-poohing the great advice you've received, arguing every point. Even in cultures with a large population stuck into a certain mold, there are always rebels and people who think differently than the herd. You can find them if you turn enough rocks over. It's just another excuse you're clinging onto. Nobody can help you when you won't help yourself.

 

I am not pooh-poohing the great advice I received here. Please don’t be too harsh. Yesterday I decided to pickup my sketchbook again, spoke to my husband about my unhappiness, set an appointment to seek help, did some planning for a business I intend to start, enrolled myself in another language class. I am trying to take small steps into getting better. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ad_Bc said:

,enrolled myself in another language class. I am trying to take small steps into getting better. 

That's a good plan. Why can't you work somewhere besides your husband's family business? That in itself is oversaturation.

Yes learn the language. You're depending on people to speak English with you but that's not how to go about it. If you want to integrate you'll have to speak their language.

You can't change the mentality of the culture there. You can complain that they are exclusive and reserved, but that is the way it is.

What you can do is learn the language (even though you protest that "everyone your age speaks English").  That is not the point. 

I've worked and lived in different countries and cultures and yes you have to be fluent in the language to make real friends.  English is not my first language either. Knowing the language and the nuances helps you understand the mentality of the culture.

And get work that doesn't involve just your husband and in-laws. That as well has enclosed you in a tiny lonely little bubble.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Ad_Bc said:

I am not pooh-poohing the great advice I received here. Please don’t be too harsh. Yesterday I decided to pickup my sketchbook again, spoke to my husband about my unhappiness, set an appointment to seek help, did some planning for a business I intend to start, enrolled myself in another language class. I am trying to take small steps into getting better. 

Very impressive!

[smackie9]

I read through the thread and communication with your husband is your best move. It takes two to make this better. He's not a mind reader, so stepping forward to tell him how unhappy you are takes courage. So much can be lost of oneself with moving away from family and friends support, responsibility raising a baby, etc can also dampen connection between partners. I'm so glad you are feeling better and have hope with your marriage. From what I have seen in other's experiences it only enriches your connection with your spouse to expose yourself at your lowest. Let us know how things are as you work your way thought this. We are excited for you!