My close friend kissed me then told me that she had feelings for me. Now everything is weird.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I did not pressure anyone.  In fact, all I have been doing is giving space.  If you read the post, you will see that she is the one who brought this to the the surface and complicated our platonic friendship.  I just came here for advice on what I should or should not do...because this is confusing.

You are not friends. I suggest taking a closer look at how you feel and if you have feelings for her. She is flaky by nature so why would you care at all that she’s a friend? 

There’s not much confusing about this. She’s unreliable and just proved herself to be with you. Salvaging a “friendship” takes two and if she’s avoiding you it means she doesn’t care about that and it’s not a priority.

I suggest letting this fade out and letting her be more of an acquaintance from afar. Stay away from hot/cold people. Deep down neither of you get along and she may feel very uncomfortable around you. You could have been fun to flirt with and she ran with a fantasy but when it came to reality you’re not the person for her or she prefers to date someone else.

[greendots]

4 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Light kissing and flirting. That is why I up and left. 

I mean, I basically said I liked her back but the whole thing happened so fast.

She has her ups and downs, has anxiety and deals with depression.  When conflicts or difficult issues arises, she seems to retreat and hide.  

She has also admitted to "pushing me away".  

Oh, light kissing! Yeah, she messed up big that night by kissing this other guy. She most likely doesn't want to deal with this mess. She seems to be running away, which doesn't solve anything.

Is there a way she could open up to you? Some people are really skillful at getting others to share their woes.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

Yes.  I just do not understand keeping distance when it was her that admitted all these "feelings of attraction" to me.    

Probably because she was fuelled by alcohol and regrets it now, OP. 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/2/2022 at 3:44 AM, dudelikewhoa said:

 said nothing and walked out, ordering an Uber home.

 I tried to call her and she put me to voicemail. So then I sent her a text message basically telling her how this upset me and that she was the one who opened this whole can of worms with the feelings and that what she did, how she has been handling this poorly, flaking, was basically cruddy. 

You walked out and left her drunk at the bar? And then she apologizes to you? 

She tells you in advance that she can't make the event because of anxiety and apologizes.

You call, then text with abusive character assassinations. 

You have some work to do on yourself. Leave her alone. 

[dudelikewhoa]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You walked out and left her drunk at the bar? And then she apologizes to you? 

She tells you in advance that she can't make the event because of anxiety and apologizes.

You call, then text with abusive character assassinations. 

You have some work to do on yourself. Leave her alone. 

Hahaha!  None of that happened in that manner! What is this assumption that is going on to make this entirely my fault!?  Let me address this line by line...

"You walked out and left her drunk at the bar? And then she apologizes to you? "

No.  Reread my original post. We were at her friends house after the bar and she started kissing another person in front of me while drunk.  So, I left home out of self-respect.  That is why she was apologizing.  For her bad, drunken behavior after I was trying to take care of her.

"She tells you in advance that she can't make the event because of anxiety and apologizes."

No.  She asked me if I would still go to the event with her.  Then she texted me hours before cancelling after promising she would not.  

"You call, then text with abusive character assassinations."

Sorry, no.  I texted her that I was disheartened and disappointed and told her how it made me feel.  Never did I once character assassinate her.  I just called her out for not being a great friend.  It's not abusive to tell someone that you are feeling hurt and upset without attacking them.

"You have some work to do on yourself. Leave her alone."

Hey.  I can always work on myself in general, but you have misconstrued this situation the wrong way.

To be clear, we have since spoken and she only continues to apologize for her behavior that is "pushing me away" because of depression,  says that she misses me and is "lucky to have me in her life"....then will just go cold again.  What I am guilty of...is sticking around. 

I come to this forum for advice and aid with something that hurt and confused me, not to be railroaded and villainized with false accusations from people who aren't reading the proper details.  That is unfair and upsetting.

 

[catfeeder]

On 7/2/2022 at 3:44 AM, dudelikewhoa said:

she was notorious for flaking as friends..

Maybe it's a good time to reflect on why you'd want to keep a drunken flake in your life?

You're not 19.

Consider raising your bar.

[dudelikewhoa]

On 7/2/2022 at 7:33 PM, Rose Mosse said:

You are not friends. I suggest taking a closer look at how you feel and if you have feelings for her. She is flaky by nature so why would you care at all that she’s a friend? 

There’s not much confusing about this. She’s unreliable and just proved herself to be with you. Salvaging a “friendship” takes two and if she’s avoiding you it means she doesn’t care about that and it’s not a priority.

I suggest letting this fade out and letting her be more of an acquaintance from afar. Stay away from hot/cold people. Deep down neither of you get along and she may feel very uncomfortable around you. You could have been fun to flirt with and she ran with a fantasy but when it came to reality you’re not the person for her or she prefers to date someone else.

This is interesting and helpful.  

Her friendship flakiness, prior to this, never really bothered me much.  It was more casual and never had a complicated issue or stakes attached to it.

I agree it takes two.  She is 100% hot/cold and it is sending terrible mixed messages in this scenario.  

I think you are right about letting it fade out.  It's kinda sad because outside of all of this, we had a great wavelength kinship that both of us would always say made our friendship so unique and different over the past 5 years.

Learned my lesson on this one...not to cross the line with friends unless it feels 100% right and healthy.  Especially with ones that have potential personal & social issues.

Makes me feel kind of used and discarded to be honest. C'est la vie, I suppose.

 

[Graystation108]

Did you, whether subconsciously or not, have feelings for her prior to this that you never acknowledged to yourself? Coming from a 22 year old, what she did was more than enough to ruin a friendship, and it's definitely not someone I would choose to stay for. She messed up, and is now avoiding you after you confronted her, she either isn't making you a priority (which I would assume so if she really wants something with you) or she's being a coward

There is no need to try to work things out with someone who is hot and cold, doesn't matter how long you guys have been friends with, you not cutting the cord will send a signal to her that it's ok to treat you this way, whether you intend for that to happen or not. This is just out of respect for yourself to not stand for or tolerate that, because you deserve better. Acknowledge that while you guys may have had some fun times, it's all in the past now and it's time to end the "friendship". I wish you well and hope this never happens to you again

[dudelikewhoa]

8 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

Did you, whether subconsciously or not, have feelings for her prior to this that you never acknowledged to yourself? Coming from a 22 year old, what she did was more than enough to ruin a friendship, and it's definitely not someone I would choose to stay for. She messed up, and is now avoiding you after you confronted her, she either isn't making you a priority (which I would assume so if she really wants something with you) or she's being a coward

There is no need to try to work things out with someone who is hot and cold, doesn't matter how long you guys have been friends with, you not cutting the cord will send a signal to her that it's ok to treat you this way, whether you intend for that to happen or not. This is just out of respect for yourself to not stand for or tolerate that, because you deserve better. Acknowledge that while you guys may have had some fun times, it's all in the past now and it's time to end the "friendship". I wish you well and hope this never happens to you again

"Did you, whether subconsciously or not, have feelings for her prior to this that you never acknowledged to yourself?"

When we first met, the night that a mutual friend introduced us, we spent hours talking about things we both like...mostly film and art.  I recognized that she was very beautiful and sort of hit on her and asked for her number.  I tried to get her to hang out but that never really clicked.  I assumed she was not interested so I moved on and disposed of those feelings.  About 8 months later, we started to become friends randomly after meeting each other again at a friends house.  I did not really look at her that way again until the night she told me she had feelings and kissed me.  So, I'm sure something was there...but it was not on the surface for me.

"There is no need to try to work things out with someone who is hot and cold, doesn't matter how long you guys have been friends with, you not cutting the cord will send a signal to her that it's ok to treat you this way, whether you intend for that to happen or not."

I definitely agree with this.  I'm treading a little lightly because she is suffering from depression and I am starting to realize that may be attributed to her hot & cold behavior.  Depression can cause people to self-sabotage things in their life...including friendships.  So I am being mindful of that but also leaving her alone for my own well-being.

 

[Rose Mosse]

On 7/4/2022 at 3:16 PM, dudelikewhoa said:

This is interesting and helpful.  

Her friendship flakiness, prior to this, never really bothered me much.  It was more casual and never had a complicated issue or stakes attached to it.

I agree it takes two.  She is 100% hot/cold and it is sending terrible mixed messages in this scenario.  

I think you are right about letting it fade out.  It's kinda sad because outside of all of this, we had a great wavelength kinship that both of us would always say made our friendship so unique and different over the past 5 years.

Learned my lesson on this one...not to cross the line with friends unless it feels 100% right and healthy.  Especially with ones that have potential personal & social issues.

Makes me feel kind of used and discarded to be honest. C'est la vie, I suppose.

 

Well, some people work like Monet paintings. They make sense from afar and are complete hogwash up close.

Hang in there. Yes, move forwards.

[Jibralta]

On 7/2/2022 at 10:33 PM, Rose Mosse said:

You are not friends.

I agree. I don't understand why he's worried about ruining the friendship when she already ruined it!

[Graystation108]

14 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I'm treading a little lightly because she is suffering from depression and I am starting to realize that may be attributed to her hot & cold behavior.  Depression can cause people to self-sabotage things in their life...including friendships.  So I am being mindful of that but also leaving her alone for my own well-being

I agree that depression can have an impact. I have depression too and sometimes I'm really not in the place to address certain things. However, I would hope that I'm adult enough to at least reach out to discuss the whole situation. I remember that my partner and I were once at a point where we had to discuss whether to stay together or not. I had never felt worse in my life than I had that day, I had attempted suicide a few weeks prior, and I was going from having no strength to get up, to crying for 5 hours straight every single day. I still made the effort to go over to his place and talk, because it's not fair on him to keep him waiting, and my depression is no excuse. Eventually that talk saved our relationship and now we're stronger than ever. Of course, the impacts of depression varies among individuals, but with an extended amount of time that she's ghosting you with, it seems that she's only using her depression as an excuse to avoid chatting with you about what happened

[dudelikewhoa]

8 hours ago, Graystation108 said:

I agree that depression can have an impact. I have depression too and sometimes I'm really not in the place to address certain things. However, I would hope that I'm adult enough to at least reach out to discuss the whole situation. I remember that my partner and I were once at a point where we had to discuss whether to stay together or not. I had never felt worse in my life than I had that day, I had attempted suicide a few weeks prior, and I was going from having no strength to get up, to crying for 5 hours straight every single day. I still made the effort to go over to his place and talk, because it's not fair on him to keep him waiting, and my depression is no excuse. Eventually that talk saved our relationship and now we're stronger than ever. Of course, the impacts of depression varies among individuals, but with an extended amount of time that she's ghosting you with, it seems that she's only using her depression as an excuse to avoid chatting with you about what happened

Thank you for sharing this and I am so sorry you were going through such a terribly difficult time.  Happy to hear that regardless of the ups and downs, that you were able to make it through and be here today. Depression is a mf'er.

She may be using it as an excuse. There really is no way to tell.  

That being said, I should probably give out an UPDATE.  

Since last weekend, she finally reached out and called me.  She could barely hold it together on the phone.  She was crying and told me that she is having a very difficult time and spiraling into a deep depression.  She shared with me that she has been pushing everyone away, including her other friends and parents.

I told her that I understood and that we should take the pressure off her and take any sort of "romantic" thing that happened between us and just put it away for the time being, if not for good.  I told her not to worry about it.  I'd rather her tend to her mental health and get well if that is, in fact, what she is dealing with.

My assumption is that she must have been going through some sort of escalating state that night, coupled with alcohol, the lines were blurred between friend and fantasy.  The night turned into a mess and she probably woke up feeling badly about it, which triggered her depressive spiral to begin.  I think I have been a pretty solid friend to her, especially after she was going through a breakup a few months back and that probably blurred the lines for her...causing confusion.

I'm going to give her space and walk back...but not entirely check out of her life.  I'll be there, as a friend, if she needs someone to talk to...but I really need to shift my boundaries with her immensely and move forward.

[Batya33]

I'm glad you two spoke and I'm glad you're going to keep your distance.