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My close friend kissed me then told me that she had feelings for me. Now everything is weird.


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Posted (edited)

A while back, my platonic friend (37 F, Pisces) of five years had a few too many drinks at a bar and asked to kiss me (44 M, Scorpio).

We had been getting a bit closer in the past few months. Hanging out more often.

At first, I thought it was just drunken fun...but then she said that it 'makes sense this happens' and how we 'have a strong connection' and that she 'might be developing feelings for me'. I started to feel similar feelings...so then we made out through the night and eventually went to one of her male friends house. She fell a few times and I was there to help her. I kept trying to suggest she go home. Eventually, one of her male friends started singing a song for her on the piano. She suddenly started to get affectionate with him! So, I stood up said nothing and walked out, ordering an Uber home.

The next day she apologized profusely for being drunk and disrespecting me. She said she has no idea what had gotten into her to behave that way. Then went on and said: "I have feelings for you but I’m confused about them because I am confused about a lot of things in my life/head right now. I’m going through a weird transitional phase after my last breakup." (which was nearly 6 months ago). She regretted "vomiting all those feelings out" while drinking and not sober (and of course diverting her attention to another man in front of me...even if we are only friends).

When I asked her if we should should just call it a mistake and forget about it...she said no and asked if we could just pause instead of rewinding and just take time. I agreed.

A week went by and she was texting me like normal small talk stuff and I eventually got a little annoyed and told her that I couldn't continue "small talk" until she just called me or met up with me so we could just try to talk it through like adults. She understood.

Another week went by and she told me how much she missed me and couldn't stand not talking to me and then asked if we were still going to this (expensive) event we had tickets for prior to this all happening. I made her promise not to flake out on me...and said yes.

After that, out of nowhere..she started acting very hot and cold. Not engaging with me as much.

Then of course, on the day of the event...she tells me she has bad anxiety and cancels. This upsets me. Because she was notorious for flaking as friends...but I feel like the stakes were different on this occasion.

I tried to call her and she put me to voicemail. So then I sent her a text message basically telling her how this upset me and that she was the one who opened this whole can of worms with the feelings and that what she did, how she has been handling this poorly, flaking, was basically cruddy. I was not mean. Just very stern and clear with my disappointment and crossed boundaries.

This was a week ago. No response since. Radio silence.  I can tell there has been an intentional disconnect.  

I don't know what to do. If this was a normal woman that I was seeing or dating I would just go no contact and go about my business. But she is my close friend!  I genuinely miss my friend. Should I leave her alone? Or should I reach out and ask if we can be friends again? I do have feelings for her...but I don't want this to ruin our friendship if she decides to reel back.

Need some advice with this one.

 

Edited by dudelikewhoa
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31 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I don't want this to ruin our friendship

Hasn't she already ruined your friendship?

I think you should say goodbye to this person in your head and get on with your life. 

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Well she is a Scorpio so her moon is in retrograde phase now, she will call you next month after that passes.

Joking. Anyway, if I am serious, she wanted something while she was drunk. After that she just wanted "status quo" and for you to be friends. After you refused, she cut you off.

Stay away from unreliable people. Somebody who drinks, makes out with multiple men who she calls "friends" is not a reliable person for anything. Especially relationship. To be 44 and to express the behavior of a 20 year old girl is appaling. Stay away from that, it will just bring you down with her. 

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2 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I sent her a text message basically telling her how this upset me and that she was the one who opened this whole can of worms with the feelings and that what she did, how she has been handling this poorly, flaking, was basically cruddy.

There's no reason to contact you after a message dressing her down like that. You sound more like enemies than friends.

Add to this the embarrassment of getting fall down drunk, making a pass at you and feeling rejected.

This friendship has run it's course. You claim she's unreliable and flakey.

Not to mention, drinks too much and acts in a passive aggressive ways.

Also why aren't you two dating others? This neither here nor there situation is all the mess of a bad relationship with none of the benefits.

Set both yourselves free from this situationship and frenemy dynamic.

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You might have been good friends before, but the landscape has changed now. 

She got carried away in her emotions one night and appears to regret sending you the wrong signals. I don't think you can be friends again after this, and it's probably better that you don't reach out to her again. 

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Thank you all. To be clear, which I did not add in my original post, she does not normally act this way.  I feel like she has been "on one".  Our friendship was completely fine, healthy and in tact before this hiccup happened.  I have no problem cutting off bad romantic relationships....friends on the other hand can be a bit more heartbreaking to lose.  So I am just treading lightly. I am just seeing a different side of her now.  Maybe this is why her relationships don't last long hahah. I don't know.  It has been taking up too much real estate in my heart. I would hate to lose my friend.

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Oh Lord.. could you be anymore pressurizing and suffocating. Firstly she’s not in the right mindspace to date and second she’s notorious for flaking. You’re really asking a pig to fly. She is exactly not the woman for you or what you want at this time. 

Be classy. Step back, and most of all be a gentleman. She doesn’t want to go, let it be. Distance yourself and stop expecting her to date you. It will not happen the way you want because she is not ready.

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30 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I feel like she has been "on one".

"On one" or did you mean "the one"?

She is then a romantic interest and not a friend. As such, friendship is not really a good option there. She is either a friend or a romantic option. She cant be both. Another reason for you to move along from the whole situation.

Also I think you are on the spot why her relationships dont last. Again that kind of unstable behavior wont attract any stable guys. So, again, just step back from all of that.

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Never push to "talk" about it. She just needs time to process. Treat her with kindness, maybe ask her if she's ok, and let her know you will always be there for her. Give her comfort and assure her that you will make sure nothing has changed. I'm sure with some time, things will get back to normal if you just let it go.

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6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Oh Lord.. could you be anymore pressurizing and suffocating. Firstly she’s not in the right mindspace to date and second she’s notorious for flaking. You’re really asking a pig to fly. She is exactly not the woman for you or what you want at this time. 

Be classy. Step back, and most of all be a gentleman. She doesn’t want to go, let it be. Distance yourself and stop expecting her to date you. It will not happen the way you want because she is not ready.

I did not pressure anyone.  In fact, all I have been doing is giving space.  If you read the post, you will see that she is the one who brought this to the the surface and complicated our platonic friendship.  I just came here for advice on what I should or should not do...because this is confusing.

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6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Would you be able to handle watching her date someone who isn't you? 

Sure.  I have been friends with her through two relationships.  I'm sure if she started one now, it could possibly sting a bit...being that she told me she has feelings for me that were unprovoked.  That would be weird currently.  But normally, yes, I wouldn't think twice about it.

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1 minute ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I'm sure if she started one now, it could possibly sting a bit...being that she told me she has feelings for me that were unprovoked.  That would be weird currently

That's what I mean, yes. 

Not how things normally were in the past when she dated someone, but how you'd feel now after all of this. 

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

That's what I mean, yes. 

Not how things normally were in the past when she dated someone, but how you'd feel now after all of this. 

Well, being that this whole thing happened only a month ago, I would have a few different feelings about it.  I would feel hurt that she opened up to tell me she had feelings for me then just went off with someone else, I would be annoyed naturally haha and would probably question her as a person in general because that would be crappy to not even address what happened and just move on. She was my friend!  So, yes, I would be upset given that this is all still very fresh.  We haven't even been able to have an adult discussion about it outside of texting. She has been allergic to speaking on the phone or meeting up since this happened.

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6 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

"On one" or did you mean "the one"?

She is then a romantic interest and not a friend. As such, friendship is not really a good option there. She is either a friend or a romantic option. She cant be both. Another reason for you to move along from the whole situation.

Also I think you are on the spot why her relationships dont last. Again that kind of unstable behavior wont attract any stable guys. So, again, just step back from all of that.

Sorry, to clalrify...I meant "on one"...as in she has been acting up differently than she normally acts the last few times we have all hung out together prior to this.  Her behavior has been a bit erratic when drinking.  I did not approach hanging out with her as romantic previously.  We were platonic friends.  When she asked to kiss me, I was genuinely shocked. 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no reason to contact you after a message dressing her down like that. You sound more like enemies than friends.

Add to this the embarrassment of getting fall down drunk, making a pass at you and feeling rejected.

This friendship has run it's course. You claim she's unreliable and flakey.

Not to mention, drinks too much and acts in a passive aggressive ways.

Also why aren't you two dating others? This neither here nor there situation is all the mess of a bad relationship with none of the benefits.

Set both yourselves free from this situationship and frenemy dynamic.

Well, we are far from "enemies".  Regardless of her inability to come out from under the bed and face the situation, we treat each other with kindness.  She flaked on me after asking to meet up with me for an event that costed $120 haha.  So, I respectfully called her on it.  

I never "rejected" her.  In fact, I told her that I was mutually attracted to her after thinking about it and then she reeled back.

Why aren't we dating others?  Well, this just happened a month ago. I, myself, have been talking to a couple other people...but nothing serious right now.  

I think it is all a mess as well.  After the way she has been handling this, I do not think I would want to have a romantic relationship with her anyways.  But she is, normally, a good friend.  So, I think I was hoping to salvage that.

I am just confused.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Get a larger circle of friends. You depend on her too much.

I do have a larger circle of friends.  That is not a problem.  We just happened to be engaging with one another more often as of late.  I don't depend on her at all.  This is all very situational within the last few weeks.

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47 minutes ago, dudelikewhoa said:

 I would be annoyed naturally haha and would probably question her as a person in general because that would be crappy to not even address what happened and just move on. 

Were you hoping to hookup or convert this to FWB until either of you find others to date?

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31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were you hoping to hookup or convert this to FWB until either of you find others to date?

Not really.  She is very attractive but I wasn't going there originally.  She told me she had feelings for me and since we had been spending a bit more time hanging out than we usually do...I considered the concept of it and it made me think.  Also, when she kissed me on/off throughout that night...I liked it.  So yeah, I suppose it did change my perception of our dynamic...but if she continues to push me away and handle this poorly because she is having anxiety about it...I would prefer to try and salvage the friendship if possible. 

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

She fell a few times and I was there to help her. I kept trying to suggest she go home. Eventually, one of her male friends started singing a song for her on the piano. She suddenly started to get affectionate with him!

By affectionate, do you mean kissing or flirting?

Either, your friend wanted for something to happen that night, for you to feel the same way about her (and say so, e.g.: I like you, too.) or she felt adventurous. I don't know. What I do feel is that things went sideways, so she backtracked... gave reasons for her behaviour and is now avoiding having to deal with this uncomfortable situation.

You can play it cool, or you can tell her how you feel (about her). If she's having anxiety then she might be looking for reassurance. What's the worst thing that could happen? Keep avoiding you? Should you know her address maybe you'd like to visit her to discuss this in person on a time that you know she is most likely available.

Edited by greendots
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2 hours ago, dudelikewhoa said:

I would be annoyed naturally haha and would probably question her as a person in general because that would be crappy to not even address what happened and just move on.

This is why trying to be friends right now is not going to work. 

She is keeping her distance from you, but it would also sting too much if she then turned her interest towards someone else. 

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2 hours ago, greendots said:

By affectionate, do you mean kissing or flirting?

Either, your friend wanted for something to happen that night, for you to feel the same way about her (and say so, e.g.: I like you, too.) or she felt adventurous. I don't know. What I do feel is that things went sideways, so she backtracked... gave reasons for her behaviour and is now avoiding having to deal with this uncomfortable situation.

You can play it cool, or you can tell her how you feel (about her). If she's having anxiety then she might be looking for reassurance. What's the worst thing that could happen? Keep avoiding you? Should you know her address maybe you'd like to visit her to discuss this in person on a time that you know she is most likely available.

Light kissing and flirting. That is why I up and left. 

I mean, I basically said I liked her back but the whole thing happened so fast.

She has her ups and downs, has anxiety and deals with depression.  When conflicts or difficult issues arises, she seems to retreat and hide.  

She has also admitted to "pushing me away".  

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is why trying to be friends right now is not going to work. 

She is keeping her distance from you, but it would also sting too much if she then turned her interest towards someone else. 

Yes.  I just do not understand keeping distance when it was her that admitted all these "feelings of attraction" to me.  This whole thing is just confusing.  

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It sounds like there’s some fundamental incompatibility between the two of you, and you’ve built up a lot of expectations in your mind that aren’t reasonable. I would recommend you tell her you would like to remain her friend, but it’s not going to go beyond that, if you know that’s something you’re comfortable with. Otherwise, you should just move on. 

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