Forced to divorce due to wife’s addiction

[Lp86]

Again, I appreciate the understanding and support everyone. 
 

I used to beg and plead and try to do anything to get her to quit or to go to treatment. I’ve learned that’s all worthless. Even if she did agree to go because I begged her it would most likely be meaningless because she would only be going to try to please me and not because she actually wanted to get clean. I suggested she should think about going before we’re divorced and she no longer had health insurance through me. I didn’t try to force her or bargain with her. I simply suggested it might be a good thing for her to think about and that I would be there to support her if that’s what she chooses to do. 

She’s overdosed twice. Once when she was younger before I knew her. That scared her enough to quit for good for 5 years. She overdosed once again more recently and nothing happened as a result. 
 

I don’t think it’s really the life she wants. She tells me it isn’t and I believe that’s how she feels a lot of the time but she doesn’t want to do the hard work to get and stay clean. Not right now at least.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

Again, I appreciate the understanding and support everyone. 
 

I used to beg and plead and try to do anything to get her to quit or to go to treatment. I’ve learned that’s all worthless. Even if she did agree to go because I begged her it would most likely be meaningless because she would only be going to try to please me and not because she actually wanted to get clean. I suggested she should think about going before we’re divorced and she no longer had health insurance through me. I didn’t try to force her or bargain with her. I simply suggested it might be a good thing for her to think about and that I would be there to support her if that’s what she chooses to do. 

She’s overdosed twice. Once when she was younger before I knew her. That scared her enough to quit for good for 5 years. She overdosed once again more recently and nothing happened as a result. 
 

I don’t think it’s really the life she wants. She tells me it isn’t and I believe that’s how she feels a lot of the time but she doesn’t want to do the hard work to get and stay clean. Not right now at least.

I'm really sorry.  You and I both know many people who complain about the life they have, know what life they want and refuse to take the steps and instead give excuses.  Not just drug addiction - "I don't want to be out of shape"  "I want to be married but I'm not willing to [leave my house/get set up on blind dates, etc.].  It's words. Meaningless without actions. 

[boltnrun]

42 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

 

I don’t think it’s really the life she wants. She tells me it isn’t and I believe that’s how she feels a lot of the time but she doesn’t want to do the hard work to get and stay clean. Not right now at least.

I know it's hard for non -addicts to understand, but she actually LIKES being high. She doesn't like everyone giving her crap about partying and she doesn't like that some things are more difficult when she's partying. She doesn't like the consequences. But if everyone would just get the hell off her back and see she's really TRYING HARD and stop hassling her, things would be perfect! She only says she wants to quit to get people (i.e., you) to back off.

My ex's favorite song was Real World by Matchbox 20, specifically the chorus where it says "I wish the real world would just stop hassling me". He was always whining about how people would not just GET OFF HIS BACK! He'd react by getting high more frequently and using more and more while he was getting high. That'll show them!

I know you want to believe her when she says she wants to stop and doesn't like how her life is when she's using. But that's the addict in her trying to say the right thing so she can keep using without all the harassment. 

The focus needs to be off of her and on to your precious child. The baby will need intensive medical care for a long while after she's born. She will need all the love you obviously have for her. (Any chance you can take a leave from work to be with her?) For now your wife is her home so trying to get her to stay sober, eat, get reasonable exercise, see her doctor and rest when she needs to is key, but planning for after the baby is born also needs to be done.

I would imagine there are support groups you can look into. For every issue there are lots of people who are going through the same thing.

And finally, don't forget to take care of you. Your baby needs a dad who's healthy and well.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

None of us new parents knew what we were doing in the beginning. I remember standing over my son's crib with my husband asking each other "what are we supposed to do with him?" I found it appalling that the hospital would send this innocent, helpless baby home with a couple of people who didn't know how to take care of him! But we figured it out and you will too. You already love this child (it's clear from your writing) and you have family support. You'll do well.

As for your wife, I presume you have strong codependent tendencies which is why you feel responsible if she ends up getting back on the heroin or losing visitation rights to the child. Remember, this is the life she's chosen. Unless and until she decides the baby is more important than getting high she will continue to use AND to look for excuses to use. Baby cried for two straight hours? Baby pooped its diaper right after she changed her? Clerk at the store gave her a mean look? Time to get high! Obviously rehab hasn't worked so she would need to find another solution. But so far she hasn't wanted to.  And SHE made that choice, not you.

I applaud you for already being a loving and committed father. Enjoy your wonderful child, do whatever it takes to keep her or him safe and healthy and show her or him all the love I can tell you feel. 

You know, you are so right that addicts use a lot of excuses for why they used. I used to struggle with alcohol and I even did it too. My ex fiance would literally use anything as a reason why he used and even make me feel guilty like it was my fault. 

I remember one time I was going to an event with my ex and another friend and it was like a 45 + minute drive there. The event was a bingo game at a cat rescue as a fund-raiser and I wasn't going to know anyone at all there. Then both my ex and my friend cancelled on me at the last second. I said to my ex that I was really annoyed and frustrated about this. I went to the event and when I came home, he was completely off his face and had been using all night while I was out. And he said to me: "Well you got upset at me and it made me stressed so I used". Like actually blamed me for it! Very manipulative.

[Tinydance]

OP I think you're doing all the right things now so good on you for that. I was also thinking that you need to keep a close eye on your wife and not take her off your insurance and attend all the doctor's appointments because this is for the baby. I know it puts so much responsibility and stress on you and it's awful but sadly it's clear your wife won't act responsibly without you overseeing the situation.

I definitely think you made the right decision to divorce her and step away from her though. I know when you love someone, you really want to believe they'll change and you want to help. Some addicts can change but I don't think it's helpful to think of that person in the future, you need to think of them as they are now. You just really don't know if they'll change or get any better and I think you need to have a "what you see is what you get" attitude.

I also think that once the baby is born and you get full (or majority) custody, you need to just cut off from your wife. Obviously you'll still interact with her for the child but don't make her or her life your responsibility. Just leave her to fend for herself. Maybe you could organise supervised visits if she's using to make sure the baby is safe. You've done more than enough for her in the three years she's been using heroin and she's had plenty of opportunities to go to rehab and get better. She didn't want to get better. And the extent of her caring about heroin more than your marriage or even her unborn child is very evident! 

For an addict their number one thing in life is the drug and it consumes them. It consumes their thoughts 24/7 and it's the only thing that matters to them. Your wife may have been a kind, loving person when she was clean but that's just not her anymore.

I think you need to come to an acceptance that this is who she is right now. And even if she will eventually get better, you've been through enough and deserve better. You don't have to be in a relationship where you're walking on eggshells and babysitting your wife 24/7 to make sure she doesn't die or do something stupid. You can be in a relationship with a woman who is actually present, who's focused on you and your life together. 

[Lp86]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I know it's hard for non -addicts to understand, but she actually LIKES being high. She doesn't like everyone giving her crap about partying and she doesn't like that some things are more difficult when she's partying. She doesn't like the consequences. But if everyone would just get the hell off her back and see she's really TRYING HARD and stop hassling her, things would be perfect! She only says she wants to quit to get people (i.e., you) to back off.

My ex's favorite song was Real World by Matchbox 20, specifically the chorus where it says "I wish the real world would just stop hassling me". He was always whining about how people would not just GET OFF HIS BACK! He'd react by getting high more frequently and using more and more while he was getting high. That'll show them!

I know you want to believe her when she says she wants to stop and doesn't like how her life is when she's using. But that's the addict in her trying to say the right thing so she can keep using without all the harassment. 

The focus needs to be off of her and on to your precious child. The baby will need intensive medical care for a long while after she's born. She will need all the love you obviously have for her. (Any chance you can take a leave from work to be with her?) For now your wife is her home so trying to get her to stay sober, eat, get reasonable exercise, see her doctor and rest when she needs to is key, but planning for after the baby is born also needs to be done.

I would imagine there are support groups you can look into. For every issue there are lots of people who are going through the same thing.

And finally, don't forget to take care of you. Your baby needs a dad who's healthy and well.

I respect your opinion and I get what you’re saying. The thing is, I do believe that part of her does want to be free of this addiction. Not enough of her to actually quit but part of her. It’s not fun for her. There is no partying going on with heroin most of the time or at least not once you get to this point. It’s loneliness, isolation, constantly worrying about where and when and how you’ll get your next fix, and nodding off and or passing out and spending 5 hours in the middle of the day in bed. She has lucid enough moments, and she especially does right now that she’s not getting high off the maintenance drug, that she realizes how much of a mess her life’s become. I’ve seen her sob over it and she’s not faking that. But I know her desire to keep using is greater than the desire to quit. 

I know that she rather be able to get high than deal with all of the difficulties of life. She rather get high than have to be held accountable and to have to put effort into staying clean, such as attending meetings. She doesn’t want people to harass her about what she’s doing, that’s true. 

We don’t actually know if the baby is a boy or a girl. We’ll find out in a few weeks. I have nothing prepared yet but I am starting to make plans. I don’t know how much time I’ll be able to take off. I am in a lucky position where I can make my own schedule to some extent and work from home a lot of the time but the less I work the less money I make. So, I’ll plan financially to not need to work so much in the first few months. Praying that the baby won’t have to spend too much time in the hospital being weened off the drugs and that I can control all the rage I’ll feel over it.

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Lp86 said:

I do believe that part of her does want to be free of this addiction. Not enough of her to actually quit but part of her. It’s not fun for her. There is no partying going on with heroin most of the time or at least not once you get to this point. It’s loneliness, isolation, constantly worrying about where and when and how you’ll get your next fix, and nodding off and or passing out

If they could find a way to get high without any of the negative most of them would. It's not like us non -addicts who have no desire to go through life high. These people would choose to get (and stay) high if there were never any consequences. And many of them do when there's someone around to clean up their messes for them.

I think that's the biggest difference. I'd rather experience emotions even when many of them are unpleasant or negative because at least I'm THERE. And I know no matter how bad things get there's always a way out or a hand to reach out to or a sunset or flower to admire the beauty of. Addicts can't even tolerate the slightest bit of unhappy or unpleasant emotions so they choose to blunt them with drugs. They have no coping mechanisms and they don't want to learn them because "it's HARD!" 

What that means is your wife is not equipped to be a parent, not now. Parenting is full of all kinds of unpleasant, uncomfortable and upsetting moments in between the joys. She can't just get high every time the baby is fussy or messes its diaper or doesn't want to be held or won't sleep. Of course it would be terrific if she could do the hard work of becoming a sober addict but that will take at least a year, probably more.

But your child is lucky because she or he has you. That's a huge blessing.

[lostandhurt]

Lp,

When you are out of options many times the other person in your life end up making the choice for you.

In this case she has chosen drugs over a relationship with you so you aren't the bad guy here you are actually saving yourself and your unborn child.

She is addicted to a horrible drug and you cannot save her.  No amount of love, nurturing, cleaning up after her or making excuses will bring her back, only she can do that.

 Perhaps one day she will be clean long enough to be trusted with your child and you can co-parent but right now it would be almost criminal to allow her to be  a care giver for your baby.

Do you have a good support system?

Lost

[Lp86]

25 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Lp,

When you are out of options many times the other person in your life end up making the choice for you.

In this case she has chosen drugs over a relationship with you so you aren't the bad guy here you are actually saving yourself and your unborn child.

She is addicted to a horrible drug and you cannot save her.  No amount of love, nurturing, cleaning up after her or making excuses will bring her back, only she can do that.

 Perhaps one day she will be clean long enough to be trusted with your child and you can co-parent but right now it would be almost criminal to allow her to be  a care giver for your baby.

Do you have a good support system?

Lost

Everything you said about not being able to save her and no amount of anything on my part will bring her back, it’s very true and I say all the time that I know it’s true. But my actions usually say something else. It’s very hard to not find myself doing all of those things and I know in some ways I’ve inadvertently enabled her. 
 

She knows I’m planning to divorce her. She demanded to know about a week or so ago and finally I told her that yes that what I’m planning to do because I have no choice, no other way to protect the baby she wants to bring into the world so badly. She was understandably very upset, hung up the phone, and refused to respond to me all night and the next day. All I wanted to do was rush over to our house to make sure she hadn’t done something really stupid. It wouldn’t be the first time that I dropped everything to go find her and make sure she was alive. I can’t live that way anymore. I just can’t do it. It’s not healthy for me. It took everything in me to not go check on her.

I can file for divorce now but the state won’t grant it until after the baby is born. Even then, it will take a very long time for me to learn healthy behaviors again and to not constantly be consumed by whatever she’s doing. I had two long term relationships with stable normal women before this. I know what it’s supposed to be like and the time spent apart from my wife has made me realize just how much I’ve allowed myself to be totally changed by staying in this situation for so long. I’m also angry and bitter and that was never me. I don’t want to be this angry guy anymore. I used to have fun and be fun and was happy and could relax every now and then.  
 

 

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, Lp86 said:

I always end up feeling like crap after talking to him actually. I feel guilty I suppose....

.... Honestly, I’m terrified of what will happen to her after I divorce her. No money, no health insurance. I get that I’m supposed to let her hit rock bottom but it’s so much harder than I ever imagined and I’ve not really ever succeeded.

I think you should definitely start seeing a therapist. Also, I suggest going back to Nar-Anon

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lp86 said:

She knows I’m planning to divorce her.  

I can file for divorce now but the state won’t grant it until after the baby is born. 

Are you hoping the threat of divorce (since you are not actually filing) will keep her clean?

You seem to be scrambling to get full custody. Yet you're not in a hurry to divorce. 

 

[Lp86]

On 6/27/2022 at 11:53 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Are you hoping the threat of divorce (since you are not actually filing) will keep her clean?

You seem to be scrambling to get full custody. Yet you're not in a hurry to divorce. 

 

You’re right. I was not in a hurry to divorce, initially. I hadn’t even made the official decision to divorce until about 2 weeks ago, but I had met with a lawyer before then. 

I have told her that I’m divorcing her and will not go back on my word. I have an appointment with my lawyer to discuss the initial paperwork and next steps from there. He had also advised me of what I need to be doing at this time and for the remainder of this time when we’re sort of in limbo.

 

 

[Lp86]

I’ve met with the attorney I previously consulted with an have a bad feeling. I’m going to consult with 2 other attorneys and see what everyone’s take is before making my next move. This lawyer I talked to yesterday was already getting into details about court battles and I felt he was overpromising things he can’t guarantee. 
 

My wife had a 20 week ultrasound today. Everything looks fine and normal with the baby. No abnormalities and on target size wise. It’s a girl. 

I’ve temporarily moved back into our home until I figure out the next steps. Living outside of our home could actually backfire on me with divorce and custody. 
 

My wife claims she plans to start an outpatient treatment program that she’s found near us. It’s at one of the centers she hasn’t tried yet (she’s been to rehab and to different treatment center multiple times). They will be starting a new session soon and will have spots opening up. She has a meeting to speak with a counselor there on Monday and has asked me to go along. I’ll go to support her, but I am still skeptical that she’ll follow through. 

[dd7]

As a former CASA, court appointed special advocate for children, many of which were born addicted or were removed from parents due to addiction, I want you to consider how this could go not as you plan.

Have you looked at what will happen if it doesn't go as you want? She's on maintenance medicine, probably Subutex or similar. As long as she's still under a doctor's care at the time of birth and after, continuing her maintenance medicine (not relapsing), I believe it will be difficult for you to gain full custody. Are you going to be satisfied leaving the baby with her at least 50 percent of the time? If she chooses not to put your name on the birth certificate, that might be another legal hurdle, although in many states you're considered the father regardless of paternity unless found different through testing or another man signs the birth certificate. 

I know that you've thought about the divorce side of things. Have you completely ruled out the possibility of staying, helping her cope with the addiction by being supportive of her being sober, and you being there daily for your child?  That could even benefit the child more. If you are around daily, you'll be more likely to catch the signs of relapse than if you're only around every other week during pick up and drop off. You'll have daily reassurance that you'll be there for the baby even if mom relapses and needs sent to an inpatient treatment, at which time you'd be more likely to gain custody than at a clean birth. 

No one wants to be addicted. It's not a choice that is easy to put down, even to save your own or your child's life. Anyone without an addiction can say they would get clean to save their child's life BUT the brain becomes wired differently. It takes maintenance, therapy, and family (clean friends) support to stay clean. 

 

[Lp86]

2 hours ago, dd7 said:

As a former CASA, court appointed special advocate for children, many of which were born addicted or were removed from parents due to addiction, I want you to consider how this could go not as you plan.

Have you looked at what will happen if it doesn't go as you want? She's on maintenance medicine, probably Subutex or similar. As long as she's still under a doctor's care at the time of birth and after, continuing her maintenance medicine (not relapsing), I believe it will be difficult for you to gain full custody. Are you going to be satisfied leaving the baby with her at least 50 percent of the time? If she chooses not to put your name on the birth certificate, that might be another legal hurdle, although in many states you're considered the father regardless of paternity unless found different through testing or another man signs the birth certificate. 

I know that you've thought about the divorce side of things. Have you completely ruled out the possibility of staying, helping her cope with the addiction by being supportive of her being sober, and you being there daily for your child?  That could even benefit the child more. If you are around daily, you'll be more likely to catch the signs of relapse than if you're only around every other week during pick up and drop off. You'll have daily reassurance that you'll be there for the baby even if mom relapses and needs sent to an inpatient treatment, at which time you'd be more likely to gain custody than at a clean birth. 

No one wants to be addicted. It's not a choice that is easy to put down, even to save your own or your child's life. Anyone without an addiction can say they would get clean to save their child's life BUT the brain becomes wired differently. It takes maintenance, therapy, and family (clean friends) support to stay clean. 

 

I appreciate this perspective.

My first instinct, after calming down from the initial anger, was not to divorce her. I figured I would just have to be there all the time to protect the baby in case something happens. On top of that, although this situation and all of my wife’s problems drive me crazy I still love her. 
 

It was after I started to open up to people, which is something I don’t often do, that they all started to convince me that there was no other option but to divorce my wife and fight for custody of my child. Not doing so, according to them, made me a selfish, undeserving, unfit, subpar father. I did look up cases and information and I knew there waa a good chance she could get some form of custody, that it’s probably be likely actually. Everyone acted like I was just trying to make excuses to not divorce her. After a while I started to let them convince me that they were right and divorce was the only option. Normally I am confident and used to have no problem making decision, but this situation with her over the years has screwed with my brain.

I’ve not felt really confident about the divorce option because I feel very unsure that it’ll go my way. The truth is that none of my options are perfect and they all have risks.

I have started to reconsider not divorcing her at this point. I moved back into our home. I realize it might be best if I establish myself as an involved stable parent once the baby is born and if and when she screws up I will at least have that history there. I really hope that she doesn’t screw up. I’m not wishing anything bad for her. I wish she could get and stay clean and we could raise our child together and provide a normal, healthy family for her. That’s my wish and hope but I also know what’s more likely to be reality. 

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Lp86 said:

I appreciate this perspective.

My first instinct, after calming down from the initial anger, was not to divorce her. I figured I would just have to be there all the time to protect the baby in case something happens. On top of that, although this situation and all of my wife’s problems drive me crazy I still love her. 
 

It was after I started to open up to people, which is something I don’t often do, that they all started to convince me that there was no other option but to divorce my wife and fight for custody of my child. Not doing so, according to them, made me a selfish, undeserving, unfit, subpar father. I did look up cases and information and I knew there waa a good chance she could get some form of custody, that it’s probably be likely actually. Everyone acted like I was just trying to make excuses to not divorce her. After a while I started to let them convince me that they were right and divorce was the only option. Normally I am confident and used to have no problem making decision, but this situation with her over the years has screwed with my brain.

I’ve not felt really confident about the divorce option because I feel very unsure that it’ll go my way. The truth is that none of my options are perfect and they all have risks.

I have started to reconsider not divorcing her at this point. I moved back into our home. I realize it might be best if I establish myself as an involved stable parent once the baby is born and if and when she screws up I will at least have that history there. I really hope that she doesn’t screw up. I’m not wishing anything bad for her. I wish she could get and stay clean and we could raise our child together and provide a normal, healthy family for her. That’s my wish and hope but I also know what’s more likely to be reality. 

Well, look, you could give her another chance to see if she'll really go to rehab this time and will really make the effort once the baby is born. What I see concerning about her drug addiction is how she actually behaved once she found out she was pregnant. I'm sure she knew using hard drugs is dangerous for pregnancy but she wanted to keep using so she hid it for three months. She could have come forward about the pregnancy as soon as she realised and got onto pharmacotherapy ASAP but she didn't try to get any help. This behaviour was very selfish and pretty common with addicts.

I guess if you wanted to try to work on your marriage and give her another chance, you'd need solid proof that she's really going to get off the heroin...The help is available for her but she actually needs to take the initiative and effort to get it. 

The problem is that if she continues using it'll be a relationship where you're always trying to babysit her because you don't know if she's going to screw up or not. Doing that is very draining, I learnt that from my ex's addiction. It got to the point where if I went to work or went out somewhere with friends, etc., I wasn't having a good time and was constantly anxious. Because I usually came home to my ex doing drugs and it played on my mind 24/7 that while I'm out he's getting high.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lp86 said:

It was after I started to open up to people,  they all started to convince me that there was no other option but to divorce my wife and fight for custody of my child. 

Sorry this is happening. Sadly you were poorly advised by them. Only an attorney can give you accurate information regarding divorce, custody, paternity, etc. As far as your addicted wife, you have a long road ahead and an even more difficult longer road ahead being the father of a child born already addicted to opiates.

[Batya33]

Are you also arranging things financially meaning no more joint accounts, etc? Where does your wife get her drugs? Could you be implicated in that (have no idea what the laws are) -or if baby is born and she is using and you step out of the home for a bit to do an errand, etc?

[Lp86]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well, look, you could give her another chance to see if she'll really go to rehab this time and will really make the effort once the baby is born. What I see concerning about her drug addiction is how she actually behaved once she found out she was pregnant. I'm sure she knew using hard drugs is dangerous for pregnancy but she wanted to keep using so she hid it for three months. She could have come forward about the pregnancy as soon as she realised and got onto pharmacotherapy ASAP but she didn't try to get any help. This behaviour was very selfish and pretty common with addicts.

I guess if you wanted to try to work on your marriage and give her another chance, you'd need solid proof that she's really going to get off the heroin...The help is available for her but she actually needs to take the initiative and effort to get it. 

The problem is that if she continues using it'll be a relationship where you're always trying to babysit her because you don't know if she's going to screw up or not. Doing that is very draining, I learnt that from my ex's addiction. It got to the point where if I went to work or went out somewhere with friends, etc., I wasn't having a good time and was constantly anxious. Because I usually came home to my ex doing drugs and it played on my mind 24/7 that while I'm out he's getting high.

She claims she knew she was pregnant for about a month before she said anything. I’m still struggling with that because yeah ideally it wouldn’t have taken her that long to reach out for help but at the same time it’s no surprise to me. 
 

I’m not sure if there’s anything she could do that would be “proof” enough for me to believe she was done with the drugs for good or to trust her completely again. It will take a lot of obvious effort a very long period of clean time (years) for me to trust her in any way again and even then there will still always be the worry. It will be something I have to learn to accept and figure out if I can live with that. 
 

You nailed it with the babysitter thing. I already feel that way and have for some time. I used to be a social person who had friends and went out and did things. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave the house because I was always so worried about what she might do. When I’d have to leave, such as for work, I’d spend a lot of my time worrying, panicking when she would go an extended time without responding to a text, having to run home during the middle of the day because I had some sort of bad feeling. I imagine it’ll all be ten fold with a baby involved. That cannot be a healthy environment for a child to be in and I won’t be exampling healthy behaviors. But then I think what’s worse? That or her possibly having 50% custody of the baby and nobody being there to control the situation most of the time?
 

 

 

 

[dd7]

8 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

She claims she knew she was pregnant for about a month before she said anything. I’m still struggling with that because yeah ideally it wouldn’t have taken her that long to reach out for help but at the same time it’s no surprise to me. 
 

I’m not sure if there’s anything she could do that would be “proof” enough for me to believe she was done with the drugs for good or to trust her completely again. It will take a lot of obvious effort a very long period of clean time (years) for me to trust her in any way again and even then there will still always be the worry. It will be something I have to learn to accept and figure out if I can live with that. 
 

You nailed it with the babysitter thing. I already feel that way and have for some time. I used to be a social person who had friends and went out and did things. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave the house because I was always so worried about what she might do. When I’d have to leave, such as for work, I’d spend a lot of my time worrying, panicking when she would go an extended time without responding to a text, having to run home during the middle of the day because I had some sort of bad feeling. I imagine it’ll all be ten fold with a baby involved. That cannot be a healthy environment for a child to be in and I won’t be exampling healthy behaviors. But then I think what’s worse? That or her possibly having 50% custody of the baby and nobody being there to control the situation most of the time?
 

 

 

 

As far as being a babysitter, one thing that may prove very helpful is to maintain her medication for her. I'm going on a limb here and assuming from CASA experience, which could be wrong and outdated, that her maintenance medicine is Subutex (safer in pregnancy than Suboxone). Try maintaining her medication, I mean physically give her her doses. Make her open her mouth to show you it's swallowed. Listen for vomiting it up afterwards to make sure she isn't. Is it a hassle, yes. Will she take offense, probably. Tell her it's one of the conditions and I promise her addiction doctor will agree with you in front of her. It's not about trust, it's about being a support tool to make sure she's moving forward in recovery. (But it sure as heck helps with trust and I'll explain why)

Right now, with Subutex, she could use heroin with that if she so chose to. She wouldn't get the same high because the Subutex already blocks those neurotransmitters in the brain but she will definitely get something from it, even just the fact that she thinks she's had her fix. HOWEVER, it's very important ASAP after birth, she switch to Suboxone. If you are her medication warden, she's less likely to use while taking Suboxone. This is because Suboxone will throw her into withdrawal if she tries to use it with heroin or opioids. Even the most strung out KNOW not to mix with Suboxone.

There's also street value to Subutex and Suboxone because when people can't find their drug of choice, these will keep them from going into withdrawal. If you're being the medication warden, there less chance of her selling the meds to fund her habit. Additionally, she is being drug tested monthly to get her maintenance medicine in most states BUT most drugs are out of urine in just a couple days. 

If she feels the maintenance med isn't quite cutting it and she still has cravings, don't be afraid to tell the addiction doctor. They can increase the dosage to maximum amounts of need be. Therapy with someone experienced in addiction is absolutely necessary. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, dd7 said:

her maintenance medicine is Subutex (safer in pregnancy than Suboxone). Try maintaining her medication, I mean physically give her her doses. Make her open her mouth to show you it's swallowed. Listen for vomiting it up afterwards to make sure she isn't. Is it a hassle, yes. Will she take offense, probably.

He did not mention which maintenance medication she is on. Also policing is not going to work. If anything it will backfire.  Whatever clinic, program, physician, therapist etc. she goes to is responsible for that. 

[Batya33]

Why is it “ideal” that a pregnant woman stops using drugs when she knows she is or could be pregnant ?  Seems like very low standard you have. I would start preparing to take leave from work unless you hire / and pay well / a nanny who will be there whenever you are not. She can’t be trusted with a newborn or baby. 

[Lp86]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Are you also arranging things financially meaning no more joint accounts, etc? Where does your wife get her drugs? Could you be implicated in that (have no idea what the laws are) -or if baby is born and she is using and you step out of the home for a bit to do an errand, etc?

Yes I’ve started to rebuild my savings and other accounts. Of course if we divorce she’ll get a portion of it but i can’t put off trying to fix this mess that she’s made financially. We were doing so well when she was clean and employed. Her job was commission based and she was making really impressive money, especially for somebody her age. Financially we were very secure, already had a good chunk of money in retirement and 401k. She’s basically burned through everything she could possibly get her hands on.

She drives to the next town over every single day to get her daily heroin stash. Every single day. Her life revolves around it and her scheduled fixes. For a junkie she is fairly organized in that sense. She spaces everything out so she has enough to get her through the day. It’s the only thing she’s organized about. She has to go every day because she knows if she bought more than a day’s worth she’d use all of it in one day anyway. 
 

If she knowingly starts using again after the baby is born there’s just no way I can ever leave them alone together. She’s a good liar and manipulator but by now I know all sorts of signs to look for, her hiding places. I don’t know how I will make sure that they’re never alone together. I don’t know, I’m hoping if that happens she’ll do something that I can report her for. I hate to say that and I hope that doesn’t happen. I’ve spent years inadvertently enabling her by cleaning up her mess and protecting her from certain consequences and it’s hard to break that habit in my part but I’m going to have to learn how moving forward. 

 

[Lp86]

41 minutes ago, dd7 said:

As far as being a babysitter, one thing that may prove very helpful is to maintain her medication for her. I'm going on a limb here and assuming from CASA experience, which could be wrong and outdated, that her maintenance medicine is Subutex (safer in pregnancy than Suboxone). Try maintaining her medication, I mean physically give her her doses. Make her open her mouth to show you it's swallowed. Listen for vomiting it up afterwards to make sure she isn't. Is it a hassle, yes. Will she take offense, probably. Tell her it's one of the conditions and I promise her addiction doctor will agree with you in front of her. It's not about trust, it's about being a support tool to make sure she's moving forward in recovery. (But it sure as heck helps with trust and I'll explain why)

Right now, with Subutex, she could use heroin with that if she so chose to. She wouldn't get the same high because the Subutex already blocks those neurotransmitters in the brain but she will definitely get something from it, even just the fact that she thinks she's had her fix. HOWEVER, it's very important ASAP after birth, she switch to Suboxone. If you are her medication warden, she's less likely to use while taking Suboxone. This is because Suboxone will throw her into withdrawal if she tries to use it with heroin or opioids. Even the most strung out KNOW not to mix with Suboxone.

There's also street value to Subutex and Suboxone because when people can't find their drug of choice, these will keep them from going into withdrawal. If you're being the medication warden, there less chance of her selling the meds to fund her habit. Additionally, she is being drug tested monthly to get her maintenance medicine in most states BUT most drugs are out of urine in just a couple days. 

If she feels the maintenance med isn't quite cutting it and she still has cravings, don't be afraid to tell the addiction doctor. They can increase the dosage to maximum amounts of need be. Therapy with someone experienced in addiction is absolutely necessary. 

She’s on Suboxone now, actually. 
 

I go to all of her appointments at her treatment doctor. They had her on the max dose and she’s been very out of it a lot of the time. It’s not the same as when she’s high in heroin but it’s just like a kind fog. She gets extremely tired and she can’t remember what she was in the middle of doing. She’s so out of it that she does things like accidentally take a pill herself that she was supposed to give to our dog. So she’s been begging them to reduce the dose by just a little so she can function better. Of course they refused. Finally they did reduce the dose last week by only 2 mg but she seems to be doing better. 
 

Since I haven’t been living with her I hadn’t thought about controlling her medication for her. I will consider the pros and cons.

[boltnrun]

My cousin is a drug addict.  She lost custody of all three of her children to their various fathers (all three have different fathers).  She has no visitation rights because she never stopped using drugs and the courts found her continuing drug use to be enough of a factor to deny her any form of custody, and she was not awarded any visitation rights either due to being an unfit parent.

It's sad, but she chose to keep using instead of getting help so she could at least have some kind of relationship with her children.

A man I used to date also has no custody or visitation rights with his two children.  He's a crack addict and went to prison for three years because he stole something worth $13,000 to fund his habit.  Again, the courts saw his drug use and prison sentence as enough justification to deny him custody and visitation.

These are a couple of examples where someone CAN and DID get full custody of their children based on the other parent's drug addiction.

It's up to you if you want to live the next 20 years as some kind of watchdog/drug use cop/investigator.  How do you think that will impact your own mental and physical health and well-being?

I definitely recommend you consult with a family law attorney who has experience with your type of situation.