How can I stop feeling resentful towards my ex and move on with my life?

[anon2021]

 

My ex and I broke up in July, it’s been 10 months now and I still find myself thinking about him and our relationship - I wish I didn’t. My ex broke up with me, I won’t go into the details but we were together for 3 years. I’ve come to realise despite the qualities I loved about him, he was also manipulative and a narcissist. I’ve started dating someone new, I do like him but I find myself comparing him to my ex/my past relationship although I know I shouldn’t. Recently I found out my ex is now living with his new girlfriend (who he got in a relationship with just 5 months after me, despite that 2 weeks before this he was begging for me back). I want to move on with my life and forget about him but I’m finding it so difficult to view things in a positive light and not continue to feel resentful and discarded by him. It’s like I’m forgetting his bad qualities and aspects of the relationship now that time has passed, and feeling like I was the problem and not “good enough”. Advice please? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully things are going good with the new man. It was 3 years, so reminders will crop up.

Hopefully you have blocked and deleted him and all his people from all your social media messaging apps. Don't scan his life.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out physical causes for the low moods. Ask for a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Is this the same man?:

 

[Lambert]

I have been in your shoes.  So while what I say may sound like easier said than done and blown off, it does work if you practice it... so here goes- 

You have to start controlling your thoughts. When you think of him or anything that is blaming you, you have to redirect your thoughts.  

Say things to yourself like: 

I've already thought of that.

it's ok. 

I forgive myself.

I'm a good person and deserve a good life.

I accept it was what it was

We're all just doing our best

and then think of something more productive- What is something productive I could do with this time? where would I like to visit on my next day off? what will I wear on my next date? Do I have a drawer to clean out?

And keep doing it. over and over. 

It takes time.  At some point you have to leave the past in the past and start filling thoughts with the future. 

 

[anon2021]

@Wiseman2thank you for commenting. I have got my ex and his family/friends deleted on everything, which has helped. Unfortunately it is the same guy yes. X

[Rose Mosse]

Use the techniques Lambert offered. I think you need to feel heard so ignoring those frustrations won't help. Acknowledge the discomfort, focus on something else. Acknowledge, refocus. Keep doing that and don't deny yourself acknowledgment that the relationship did hurt you.

If you're comparing your new relationship to your ex, acknowledge it just the same and refocus. Get your head straight that you're living in the present now. Be present and mindful but listen to that inner voice that needs to be heard also without denying yourself that the experience was harmful being with your ex. 

The more you practice being present and mindful in the here and now, the more the past will fade. It may take months or years. However long it takes be patient with yourself and keep reorienting yourself to the present moment.

 

[anon2021]

@Lambert @Rose Mosse both of your replies are so helpful, I’m going to try and do that. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings but accept things for what they are and stay in the present moment. Thank you both. X

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, anon2021 said:

@Lambert @Rose Mosse both of your replies are so helpful, I’m going to try and do that. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings but accept things for what they are and stay in the present moment. Thank you both. X

you're welcome. I hope it helps. Try to stick with it and not get discouraged.  it takes time. 3 years is a long time.  Even short relationships' endings can take a long time to let go of....  It's really about how invested you were and that's hard to just stop. 

The other thing is- if you do think of him, try to take some of the vinegar out of it.  Meaning- we're all flawed. let him fall off the pedestal... he tried and you did, too. neither of you are perfect.

I find allowing the other person to be just as flawed as I am brings it all down a peg. 

kind of like when you make up with someone. ever notice when one person says sorry, the other person softens and says I'm sorry, too. 

by forgiving him in your mind and thoughts, you also can forgive yourself more easily. it is less emotionally charged. Snd hopefully easier to stop focusing on. 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, anon2021 said:

it’s been 10 months now and I still find myself thinking about him and our relationship - I wish I didn’t. My ex broke up with me, I won’t go into the details but we were together for 3 years. I’ve come to realise despite the qualities I loved about him, he was also manipulative and a narcissist. I’ve started dating someone new, I do like him but I find myself comparing him to my ex/my past relationship although I know I shouldn’t.

You're right, you shouldn't.

So I say you are not ready to date again.  This is no good on you or your new bf.

It is common as we move on to 'see the good' on our ex's.. but it takes time and you need to continue to 'remind yourself' of how bad he really was for you.

I know of a few guys who'd 'beg' for an ex back - then jump back into the dating pool. They have their reasons eg.  don't like to be alone, rebounding, using others. - whether they are mentally or emotionally available or not.

Who knows IF that will work out, probably not.  But it doesn't matter anymore - does it??

You are done with him.. continue to move forward now.  No contact & the less you know the better- in order for you to move ahead successfully.

Again, is maybe best to back out of dating for a while yet.. until you do feel better about yourself and you know the thought of him doesn't really affect you anymore... All takes time.  Give yourself that.

[Kwothe28]

You never gave yourself a time to heal. Which means coming to acceptance stage where you can say that ultimately you were not right for each other and move on. You were different, he enjoyed his "party phase" and you didnt, you both are probably better without each other. You need to come to the phase were you dont care. He is allowed to move on with his life, as did you. Nobody did "discard" anybody, it just didnt worked out. 

And instead of giving yourself time and moving on, you stayed in contact and now keeping tabs on him. And you jumped into relationship in somebody else without properly healing. So now instead of bonding with the new guy, enjoying "honeymoon phase" of relationship and all that, you compare him to some crappy ex. It will be fine in time. In time you wil probably laugh at all this. You were young and its probably your first big relationship so ofcourse its not easy. However its something to learn moving forward. 

[Cherylyn]

Resentfulness and bitterness from rejection will never go away.  Allow time to heal your wounds.  I'm sorry about your hard feelings.

What helps is out of sight, out of mind meaning the longer he's out of your life, the more of a blur he will become in your mind.

Distraction helps.  Do what you enjoy such as hobbies, exercise, socializing with people who respect you, eliminating your ex from your social media, go on outings and get busy!  Don't mope.  The more time you give yourself to dwell on the negative, the more angry and depressed you will become.  Make changes to your life.  Days, weeks, months and years will pass by and he will no longer faze you.  You'll grow numb regarding anything to do with your ex and your former life with him. 

[smackie9]

I can imagine...being dumped and now seeing him happily with a new live in GF. It feels like you were being "replaced". Even tho he's a jerk to begin with, he wins, she wins and you feel defeated. The only way to get out of this slump is to change your focus to what you want to do with your life to make things happy and bright again...and that is building up your self worth. Finding another guy is not your answer at this time. You are too emotionally unavailable to make anything work, and plus, it inhibits you from making good/healthy choices. Take up a new hobby, spend quality time with friends/family. Give yourself a new look, a new wardrobe, to put a spring of confidence in your step. Try adding something like cycling or a physical activity to your routine. Fill your day so you are not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The only way to get out of this slump is to change your focus to what you want to do with your life to make things happy and bright again...and that is building up your self worth. Finding another guy is not your answer at this time. You are too emotionally unavailable to make anything work, and plus, it inhibits you from making good/healthy choices. Take up a new hobby, spend quality time with friends/family. Give yourself a new look, a new wardrobe, to put a spring of confidence in your step. Try adding something like cycling or a physical activity to your routine. Fill your day so you are not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. 

Someone frame this. 👌

[catfeeder]

On 5/23/2022 at 12:49 PM, anon2021 said:

despite that 2 weeks before this he was begging for me back...

Go, you! You resisted for a reason--keep reminding yourself of that. You're likely glamorizing him now only because he's with someone, but credit yourself for the strength and better judgment you used to prevent yourself from taking him back.

You've received some great suggestions, and I'd like to add one. I find it helpful when I'm feeling lousy to remind myself that resilience is a life skill that can learned, but if we don't try to adopt it, we become our own saboteur, and we'll continue a pattern of making every bump in the road a lot harder than it needs to be.

It's a decision. Most of us don't know HOW to achieve such goals, but it's often enough just to know WHY we need to choose them. Once we do that, we'll find our way. Things tend to fall into place once the decision is made.

Every day on awakening I ask whether I'm going to make this a good day, regardless of what happens. I've learned how to surprise myself with my ability to bounce back from hardships, and how much easier this has become just by consciously choosing to make it so.

Head high, and write more if it helps.