Do I have the right to be upset?

[kim905]

Hey there, 

I (M29) have been dating a girl (F30) for 7 months now. 

Recently, we got very close and we both like each other. She sees me as someone to marry and raise a family. 

A week ago, she quit her law firm and moved to another one while I was planning a vacation. Because of her career change, I decided to put away our vacation plan. 

On last Wednesday, I messaged her, but she didn't reply, so I figured she is busy, because most lawyers are. 

On Friday, when I asked he if she's okay, she messaged me telling me that"

Me: "Hey, XXX

         Is everything okay?"

Her: "I am on vacation. Booked a last minute flight. At Hawaii"

 

I was hurt that she didn't tell me, but now I am thinking that she has no right to tell me, because we aren't official yet. 

 

I told her that the fact that she went on a vacation without telling me upsets me. 

 

What do you guys think?

 

Thanks in advance 

[Batya33]

Two questions -after 7 months why are you two not exclusively dating? And did she know about these vacation plans?  I very often went on vacation in between jobs.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, kim905 said:

 7 months now. 

Her: "I am on vacation. Booked a last minute flight. At Hawaii"

we aren't official yet. 

28 weeks is the observation and get-to-know you period. However it's unclear if you were talking marriage and family, why you were not "official"?

Are either of you married/in other relationships? Or recently on/off with an ex?

At best there is a serious communication problem, at worst she is in Hawaii with someone else.

Reconsider going forward with someone you do not see as "official" and who seems to have a social life that excludes you.

[Kwothe28]

Well, you did plan a mutual vacation so think you have grounds to be upset for her just going rogue and taking on her own. At least heads up from her would be nice. She can ofcourse do what she wants but you are in a relationship. Also, if she see you as a potential for marriage, why are you not exclusive after 7 months? Or why does she has to go rogue for vacation? Its something to think about.

I also wouldnt exclude "someone else" option. It would explain why you are kept in a dark about it. 

[kim905]

Thanks for the reply. 

I asked her if she wanted to go vacation 2 weeks ago then she said "yes" and she asked where I was thinking. 

She also warned me that she might be looking for a career change, so may not be possible. 

 

[kim905]

So, she landed a new job, but I guess she decided to take a vacation before starting a new role. 

Also, we are exclusive and we both deleted the dating app. 

We are both single and she said she wants to be official once we have our first argument/fight to see how I handle disagreement. 

She dated someone for a year who seemed perfect until they had the first fight

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, kim905 said:

 I guess she decided to take a vacation before starting a new role. 

She dated someone for a year who seemed perfect until they had the first fight

While she's away reflect on these red flags. That she keeps you in the dark and that she can not handle conflict and ends relationships in a nanosecond if there's an argument. 

This is someone who prefers to be single and it seems you are out in the periphery of her life. How recent is the ex?

Keep in mind she had the time to look up flights, book hotels, arrange the whole thing and ghosted you instead of mentioning she is going n on a trip.

[kim905]

Hey Wiseman2, 

So, her last relationship was last summer. They had a fight during a vacation and ended it. 

That's when she and I connected on the app last October. 

Honestly, she was never in a long term relationship and surprised that all my previous relationships lasted more than a year

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, kim905 said:

So, she landed a new job, but I guess she decided to take a vacation before starting a new role. 

Also, we are exclusive and we both deleted the dating app. 

We are both single and she said she wants to be official once we have our first argument/fight to see how I handle disagreement. 

She dated someone for a year who seemed perfect until they had the first fight

I don't understand what official means- engaged? I mean sure people have their sort of tests and standards but she's basically testing you because some other individual acted a certain way after a fight so now you have to adhere to this rule.  Makes no sense at all. Some people act differently when they are frustrated or angry -depends on so many things.  Does it have to be a major disagreement? Is minor ok? What if you overreact because you are sleep deprived and you are short with her because of it?

Also of course if a person has an anger disorder or anger management issues it may not come out for longer than a year and may not be directed at his partner but is a dealbreaker anyway.

Here's what your standard should be - "we are exclusively dating so I don't date anyone else or make plans that will take up my whole weekend without checking with you so I now see you feel you can just disappear for a week or two without telling me in advance in case I have to make other plans.  I'm not angry with you but I'm disappointed and I feel disrespected." See what she says.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, kim905 said:

So, her last relationship was last summer.

They had a fight during a vacation and ended it. That's when she and I connected on the app last October. 

Red flag. She may be on/off with this guy or in Hawaii with him or someone else.

So she hops on dating apps whenever she has a disagreement? Or on a plane and ghosts?

Has she sent communication/pics yet?

[kim905]

nope. the last time she messaged me was Friday and so far, no message. 

[Batya33]

Oh and I went on a vacation by myself after I took grad school entrance exams many years ago -I was dating someone for 6 months and we were in our early 20s. We weren't exclusive yet -he was a little gun shy to be that serious.  I went away partly to make a point to him that if we weren't exclusive I'd do what worked for me.  But I gave him advance notice.  I went to a singles resort. I didn't fool around with anyone but we weren't exclusive so I could have.  When I came back he was ready to commit -this was pre-internet so I didn't call (would have been really hard to do so in 1990) but I called shortly after I returned.  

[Wiseman2]

Just now, kim905 said:

nope. the last time she messaged me was Friday and so far, no message. 

You may be dodging a bullet if she just ghosts like this.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, kim905 said:

I was hurt that she didn't tell me, but now I am thinking that she has no right to tell me, because we aren't official yet. 

Meaning, she doesn't consider you her boyfriend. Correct? 

I think she is keeping you at a distance for a reason, OP. You want more closeness, she evidently is fine keeping things more casual and not including you in her comings and goings. I am going to guess you would naturally be excited to tell her about a trip you were taking, while you feel left in the dark. 

So, while she isn't obligated to inform you, it is telling to me that she didn't bother mentioning it until you specifically asked what was up. It doesn't appear you two are all that close. 

[kim905]

Hey Wiseman2, 

I don't think there's an on and off relationship with a guy in Hawaii because we are both Canadian. 

However, that doesn't mean she is not seeing someone right now in Hawaii. 

[Batya33]

She may have gone to Hawaii-or somewhere else -to meet up with someone -how do you know she's in Hawaii ?

[kim905]

she talked about Hawaii for a while now. She was planning on going to Hawaii until COVID happened in 2020

[Batya33]

Just now, kim905 said:

she talked about Hawaii for a while now. She was planning on going to Hawaii until COVID happened in 2020

And? How do you know she is actually in Hawaii and not somewhere else?  There's no way I would keep dating someone who didn't tell me he was leaving for a weeks vacation -and we were exclusive.

[Rose Mosse]

Not sure why you'd continue seeing her. This isn't working out as she isn't communicating with you. Seven months is a good time to figure out whether this is someone you think you can depend on or whether they're on a different wavelength. 

If she comes back and contacts you, you'll have a decision to make. 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, kim905 said:

She sees me as someone to marry and raise a family. 

This could be the standard line she gives all guys.  Her actions show that she's not serious about you.  Not only did she not tell you she was heading off for vacation, she's giving you very minimal information now--and even that little bit was only because you reached out first, she offered nothing.

My bet is she's there with someone else.

[Andrina]

It's no wonder none of her past relationships have lasted beyond a year. Nobody who expects a partner to act in a decent way would put with her.

[LootieTootie]

Sorry but she seems to be a very inconsiderate, selfish and uncaring person. Basically you are dating an a**hole.

Now she has shown you her true colors, what are you going to do?

[kim905]

Hey LootieTootie, 

we have dinner together this coming Saturday, so I am gonna ask her and tell her how I felt. 

If she tells me everything and tells me that she didn't see another guy or sleep with a random dude, then I might give her a second chance if she can promise on few things like 

1) not be disrespectful 

2) make me her priority 

[Batya33]

My sense is the dinner won't happen.  If it does I'd put it as I statements -how you felt.

"I felt disrespected and my time disrespected when you didn't tell me in advance you'd be going on vacation for a week since you know we typically see each other weekends and at least ___ times a week"

You need to get clear on what you mean by "make me her priority" -what does that mean -you two aren't boyfriend/girlfriend according to her - so by definition you're not a priority on any sort of commitment level.  What actions do you need her to do differently to show you that you are her priority.  Do you need to be her top priority? After all she's starting a new job.  Do you mean that if she's going to be away for the weekend she's supposed to tell you in advance? Priority is one of those throw away generalities.

[LootieTootie]

20 minutes ago, kim905 said:

Hey LootieTootie, 

we have dinner together this coming Saturday, so I am gonna ask her and tell her how I felt. 

If she tells me everything and tells me that she didn't see another guy or sleep with a random dude, then I might give her a second chance if she can promise on few things like 

1) not be disrespectful 

2) make me her priority 

 

If you want to believe you can change her by having her make promises to you, you are going to be disappointed.

The reason why you date someone is so you can get to know them. Their traits, their values, their flaws, etc. You test the water with them to see if you are compatible and if you actually can see yourself with this person forever.

You don't go in to a relationship wanting to change someone or hoping they will change for you. When people go in to a relationship or they stay in a relationship hoping/believing the other person will change for them, it seldom is the case that the relationship is a happy or/and healthy relationship.

She shown you her true self, and believe me, you will see more of it if you choose to stay.