I am torn between 2 people and its causing me anxiety. Feeling stuck in life.

[Anna88gua]

Long story short:

I had a boyfriend for the past 3 years for whom I decided to move countries, we had a miscarriage, jealousy issues and felt like for a big part I wasn't being appreciated or taken into account into very important decisions such as getting the permanent residency of the country we were living in. He applied on his own and it made me feel out resources and support. This created a lot of resentment towards him and made me mistreat him too. I did not like the person I had become towards him. He also had some anger issued which we were able to learn to harness a little better and understand where his insecurities were coming from.

2 years after, we left the country and we decided to go to my home country in which he ended up staying for a few months and he then decided to leave and break up. For the first couple of months I felt relieved and started meeting other people. One of them an amazing person who had been interested in me for years before. Someone more mature, a few years older and well established seeking to have a family.

My ex boyfriend then, started getting back to me and wanting to get back into the relationship. He has now moved to Bali which is a place we wanted to go together to. He seems to be in a much better place than the years before purely from the stand of being a new, enriching environment and being able to work remotely. He says he wants to support me  more, would like to have a family and work on his selfish issues. We have stayed in touch for months and miss each other.

I also wouldn't be able to tell my ex partner about his other person I met as he would become extremely jealous and wouldn't be able to cope with the idea of me having been with someone else apart from him even though we broke up. I also wouldnt want to know if he has been with other women.

I ended up feeling like I needed to give this other person a chance and get to know him better. I went to visit him in his home country and stayed for almost 3 weeks which originally was only gonna be 10 days. 

We had a good time. The time with him was calm, he spoiled me, cooked for me and I could see that he is a very caring person who is aware about their environment and other peoples needs. He kept on telling me over and over again "stay, let me take care of you, Ill take care of you"...

I have to say, I like him a lot as a human being, yet I am not as attracted to him as I am towards my ex. When I think about having a child I think about my ex being the father to it.

I also need to note that this new person I've gotten to know better offers me more support, I feel like finances also wouldn't be a problem, he knows my family (who really likes him) and he is a very adventurous person which I really like. He also makes me feel safe around him. I think I like him for other reasons that may seem not as exciting or passionate. He does know how to have a good time though.

After having gone to visit him I decided to go to Europe and work for a couple of months again. I now have gotten here and Im realizing I need to find a remote job because I havent wanted to settle in a country for the past 6 years and I think I want to have the flexibiliy of moving around.  

A big part of me is asking me to go to Indonesia and try to work things through with my ex partner. (So far have separated 3 times.) But we both were also feeling isolated and bored with our environment back then.

Another big part of me is afraid that if I do so, I might miss this opportunity of being with someone who is potentially a vey good partner to me and  would be a very good father. (He has been very clear with his intentions and expectations and told me I could come back and live with him and take it from there). But I also have to say that I am not sure I would want to be living where he lives (lack of community and like minded people). He has also stated he would like to move to a different place later on as his intentions are not to stay where he is living now. (He has been taking care of his parents and family home).

I feel stuck and anxiety creeps in all the time. Im afraid to make any decisions regarding my job because I feel like Im too ambivalent of what I want and the place I want to be in. I know I love Bali (have been there before). But I first need to find a remote position.

I miss them both. I think both are amazing. Im 33, going 34 this year. I dont want to keep on wasting time to a ceratin extent. Ive had an amazing life with many options and flexibility and I still want to feel like I have that. But I also want a partner that supports me and I want a family.




 

[1a1a]

I couldn’t say about the new guy. Maybe not, because it’s not an easy certain yes for you. (Which means your lukewarm about him, you should leave him single for someone who thinks 110% yes you’re the man for me!)

 

But as an outside observer, I’d be really hesitant about going back to the ex. He might now be in the process of changing his ways but will he really have done well enough that you feel supported by him going forward? 
 

Where in the world would you want to go if neither of them were in the picture? 

[Wiseman2]

You seem to enjoy traveling. However you also seem to be torn between settling down and roaming around.

You have a trauma bond with the ex. And the stable man seems to bore you.

Decide if you really want stability and family or a dramatic life with the abusive ex.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have a trauma bond with the ex. And the stable man seems to bore you.

 

This.

You seem to have a good thing going with current one. But seem to sabotage yourself just because your ex told you he changed. Which is no1 BS excuse any ex will serve you and its almost never true. But you miss drama with an ex so you are itching to get back there. 

[Batya33]

You're settling for this guy because you're not yet the right person to find the right person.  You're a person who is excited by drama, chaos, bad treatment -I mean - you really think you can help another person 'harness" anger issues -will you be able to help when your baby you want with him is crying for hours -again -and you're both sleep deprived and cranky and he heaven forbid takes it out on your baby in some way? Your baby can't help him harness his irritability and anger issues.  Yes people can change but you haven't written what therapy and help he's received for- for example -his anger issues.  

Let the stable guy go -let him find someone who is excited to be with him.  Who is a person who gets excited by being with a person where there is mutual love and respect.  Don't settle for "he spoils me and loves me so much" -it's a two-way street.  Do you desire to spoil him?  No you don't because you're too busy pining after drama.

[DarkCh0c0]

Leave both of them and figure out your life.

I came back to an ex who promised to be better. He was... For the first few months. Then things for back to normal.

You don't want that to happen (and I agree on the trauma bond content above. I kept coming back to my ex-who also had anger issues!- partially because of it). And when you break up with someone 3 times, that means there are major incompatibilities that are not going away anytime soon. What you had with your ex was the max of what you could get from him, and it's nothing healthy nor satisfying. So that's for ex aka let him go. I also think you need to grieve him out of your life.

Love is not enough to keep two incompatible people together. You need to love yourself more than the ex and the fantasy you have of life with him.

On the other side, the current man seems very much into you, but you aren't into him. He deserves to be let go.

When you find yourself confused about options, that means none is better than the other. And the saying goes: when in doubt, don't.

It's best to go single for a while, figure out how to be fulfilled in life and what you'd need in a future man.

[reinventmyself]

You created a long list describing all of the ex's changes, yet you can't share with him that you've dated anyone due to his extreme jealousy?  

Personally, I believe changes are possible, but to an extent.  You are highly likely to find out that you two are basically the same people with a couple adjustments, doing the same dance you have done previously.  You seem hopeful that this guy has done a complete 180.  From where I sit, the moves, sacrifices, etc, are just a little too high to take this chance.  

Learn to be ok with loving someone and recognizing that it doesn't mean you are meant to be together.

[DarkCh0c0]

25 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You created a long list describing all of the ex's changes, yet you can't share with him that you've dated anyone due to his extreme jealousy?  

That stood out to me too. Her ex sounds very controlling and jealous. These are red flags and reasons for OP not to go back to him.

If she can't have a conversation about this ... I'd imagine the rest.

27 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

You are highly likely to find out that you two are basically the same people with a couple adjustments, doing the same dance you have done previously. 

💯

[Anna88gua]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to enjoy traveling. However you also seem to be torn between settling down and roaming around.

You have a trauma bond with the ex. And the stable man seems to bore you.

Decide if you really want stability and family or a dramatic life with the abusive ex.

I find myself to often behave in a frantic way and I have put my ex partner under pressure and also became very naggy. I've realized this and wonder if now that I'm also aware of it, things might change.. From my side at least. I also struggled to feel fulfilled in the kind of work I was doing and he tried helping me and that made him feel frustrated... yet wouldnt take me into account on the PR application which couldve allowed me to have better opportunities... Im trying to find a job that will give me more flexibility to move around..

I don't think being with this new guy bores me.. Im maybe just not used to being in a more calm relationship... Im also extemely active, he is also very adventurous but more relaxed and has a different/lower tempo to me so I guess thats also an adjustment.. 

We have been intimate and its been good but I seem not to be as physically attracted and do find myself comparing.. which I obviously shouldnt. 

I miss him and love being around him, he is extremely cultivated, fun to be around and I respect him.

Regarding my ex, he believes therapy wouldnt really help and he knows himself well to do the work. I obviously disagree. He seems to be in a much better place but I do wonder if thats also just because nothing is necessarily triggering him and he is in a comfortable position.

I too, have spoken to a therapist over the past year which to be honest I havent found to be as helpful. She has encouraged me to enjoy my options but my issue really is that I feel like I have way too many and struggle to make a decision. I seem to want to have it all.
 
I have option paralysis and I seem to still have energy for my past relationship.. And yes I also always have chased love and its become a problem. I am not as career oriented, I enjoy the flexibility of moving around yet I lack of purpose even though I have a great profession which I seem not to be too passionate about. I want to feel at home I suppose. I was raised in a very chaotic household and my mother was always away. My father wasnt present and I had to take on too many responsibilities at a very young age. I wasnt a child for too long. I was a young adult with household responsibilities at the age of 12.

Am I also running away from commitment?


 

[Anna88gua]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You're settling for this guy because you're not yet the right person to find the right person.  You're a person who is excited by drama, chaos, bad treatment -I mean - you really think you can help another person 'harness" anger issues -will you be able to help when your baby you want with him is crying for hours -again -and you're both sleep deprived and cranky and he heaven forbid takes it out on your baby in some way? Your baby can't help him harness his irritability and anger issues.  Yes people can change but you haven't written what therapy and help he's received for- for example -his anger issues.  

Let the stable guy go -let him find someone who is excited to be with him.  Who is a person who gets excited by being with a person where there is mutual love and respect.  Don't settle for "he spoils me and loves me so much" -it's a two-way street.  Do you desire to spoil him?  No you don't because you're too busy pining after drama.

I actually do feel like I want to spoil him too. And do so when Im around him.

[Andrina]

You must've read the story about Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. The first chair's too hard. The second chair is too soft. The third is just right.

Those men aren't your only options in the world. Yes, the second man is better than than the ex, but you're lacking chemistry with him and that should be a must-have. And the fact that you're settling for either of them means you need to be alone and figure out who you are WITHOUT a man. And do that for a good long time, like a year. You won't be ready to date until you're joyous in a solo life, ready to share your passions with someone--versus finding fulfillment in life that you think will come from a man.

While you're seeing what life is like solo, you will have to cut the ties, going no contact, with men who aren't right for you. Stop using them as ego boosters, ways to pass time, or whatever you believe you seek from their attention.

When you get some time and distance away from both, you should be able to see the situation with clearer vision. Also, make yourself financially independent because you never want to rely on a man for this, and be stuck with him, unable to financially extricate yourself.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Also, make yourself financially independent because you never want to rely on a man for this, and be stuck with him, unable to financially extricate yourself.

I agree with all Andrina wrote but from your last post this stood out to me - even if you are not passionate about a particular career or profession get busy working at a job where you can make enough (with promotions as needed) to save and be financially independent.  So important!

[Anna88gua]

I find myself to often behave in a frantic way and I have put my ex partner under pressure and also became very naggy. I've realized this and wonder if now that I'm also aware of it, things might change.. From my side at least. I also struggled to feel fulfilled in the kind of work I was doing and he tried helping me and that made him feel frustrated... yet wouldnt take me into account on the PR application which couldve allowed me to have better opportunities... Im trying to find a job that will give me more flexibility to move around..

I don't think being with this new guy bores me.. Im maybe just not used to being in a more calm relationship... Im also extemely active, he is also very adventurous but more relaxed and has a different/lower tempo to me so I guess thats also an adjustment.. 

We have been intimate and its been good but I seem not to be as physically attracted and do find myself comparing.. which I obviously shouldnt. 

I miss him and love being around him, he is extremely cultivated, fun to be around and I respect him.

Regarding my ex, he believes therapy wouldnt really help and he knows himself well to do the work. I obviously disagree. He seems to be in a much better place but I do wonder if thats also just because nothing is necessarily triggering him and he is in a comfortable position.

I too, have spoken to a therapist over the past year which to be honest I havent found to be as helpful. She has encouraged me to enjoy my options but my issue really is that I feel like I have way too many and struggle to make a decision. I seem to want to have it all.
 
I have option paralysis and I seem to still have energy for my past relationship.. And yes I also always have chased love and its become a problem. I am not as career oriented, I enjoy the flexibility of moving around yet I lack of purpose even though I have a great profession which I seem not to be too passionate about. I want to feel at home I suppose. I was raised in a very chaotic household and my mother was always away. My father wasnt present and I had to take on too many responsibilities at a very young age. I wasnt a child for too long. I was a young adult with household responsibilities at the age of 12.

Am I also running away from commitment?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Anna88gua said:

  I also running away from commitment?

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out physical causes for the frantic sped-up all over the place  racing thoughts.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do drinking or mood disorders run in the family?

You actually have zero "options". You have racing thoughts, ruminating and unchecked anger and regrets.

Neither of these two are actually offering you anything or any "options". Mr. Bali is long gone but you envy his lifestyle.  Mr. Relaxed is not offering anything but dating right now.

 

[smackie9]

You are frantic and naggy because you are responding to someone who treats you like crap. By taking yourself out of that relationship you are no longer like that. New guy tho real pleasant, is not right for you if you don't feel true attraction. I agree lose both, figure out the direction of your life, how you want it, and then meet someone new who fulfills your expectations, treats you right, head over heels for.