Should I leave my husband ?

[Westsidechic80]

I have been with my husband for about a year now . We met online November 2020. When we met, he lived in a office space , worked part time as a IT tech , and seemed to be someone at least I thought had potential . We talked about finances , the agreement was that he would get a better job and we would split the bills 50/50 . So we got married March 2021 . As soon as we got married , he applied for a rideshare driver job driving for UBER and Lyft . He makes pretty decent money . He sometimes make up to 1500.00 per week .yet I’m still paying for all the groceries , car note , and car insurance . The only bill we split is the rent . So I took on a second job to keep up with the bills , and to save up to try to buy a home for the both of us. Since I have taken on a second job , his work hours has significantly reduced . He now works about 3-6 hours a day . I asked him why has he chosen to not work as much , his response is “don’t supervise him “. Then yesterday , he told me this lifestyle is too “extravagant “ and how he feels housing is a waste of money , he prefers to living  in his car or in a motel . Just to give you a little background , we currently stay in an airbnb which costs around 2200.00 every month , but it’s all inclusive , electric , Internet , Gas , so we split the monthly costs of 1100.00 each . On top of the financial issues , there are concerns with trust . He will not introduce me to his children or his immediate family . He has three children whom live on the west coast . They are all around 16,18 and 15. Because I quote on quote do not “obey “ his every word according to him . If I forget to do something , he docks me and holds it against me as I’m not being a good wife . When I bring up  his children , or ask him if I could as simple ask to see pictures of his kids , the answer is always NO , you just obey first.  Same with his family . I have yet to meet or even talk to his family . I ve asked several times , when he will he introduce me to his family or at least talk to them . I get the same response . You have to “obey “ before you meet my family . Come to think of it , he actually has told me he doesn’t like his family at all , and doesn’t have anything to do with them at all , so I guess that is the reason he hasn’t introduced me to them  I guess . On top of all of this , come to find out, while guy was doing UBER driving my car  , this guy has the audacity to be exchanging numbers with other women and flirting with them . Now his thing was that he was exchanging numbers because he was trying to start a business so it was Networking .I just ignored it .

He doesn’t know that I know but I have screenshots of him flirting with a few women ,this happenned a few months ago . Plus when we are intimate lately  , there is no foreplay or passion . When we went to Miami a few weeks ago , his response was “you must obey first “ before you can get that again . I also notice when we was in Miami , he talked about Cocaine a lot .He kept bringing it up . I flat out asked him “does he have cravings “ he responded no , but wish he had a kilo of Cocaine to just have so he can use from to time to time . Smh . He is a mess .I don’t know what to do . I have tired suggesting counseling for himself and to attend together . He refuses . Are these issues I should just ignore and try to just deal with . Or should I leave ?

[Wiseman2]

Contact an attorney to discuss your options in divorce or annulment. 

What was the big hurry getting married?

He's a bum. At some level you know he thinks of you as an alternative to a homeless shelter.

He may be a deadbeat dad deliberately being under Employed to evade child support.

Ask him what his child support payments are.

[Batya33]

How old is he? You are in your 40s, yes? I think you knew his "potential" was part of your own creation or fantasy.  You married him without meeting his children, his family? Other than his previous full time uber gig did he ever work full time before you got married?  What potential? Other than "in love!" why did you marry him? I would leave, yes, and certainly do not purchase property with him.  I think it's fine he prefers living in a car/temporary space -this is how he was living when you met him, too.  Also consider you may need a restraining order as he seems unstable.  

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  Are you surprised that it has turned out this way?

[DarkCh0c0]

My god, this man SCREAMS abusive!!

Absolutely leave him asap and don't even discuss this with him. You're not a dog to "obey". You're his partner and should be treated as an equal. Instead, he threatens you, manipulates you, punishes you, and sponges off you! He has the benefits of the wife, without lifting a damn finger!! AND he might be cheating!

Consult an attorney privately and get the ball rolling. You deserve real love and a true partner. You deserve to feel special and be treated with respect and love. Love yourself enough to do what's right for you. And, please, no more rushed marriages, specially with men whom you've not met their family! For all you know, he might have a wife on the west coast or the kids are a lie/have a restraining order against him.

[Rose Mosse]

Obey what? His ask to obey sounds quite silly. Obviously he has no family to introduce you to if they’re estranged. Something happened there and he doesn’t want to tell you because he lost control of the situation. All of your relationship is a power trip for him and about controlling you and individuals who  have lost control or perceive themselves as losers will seek to regain that even if it’s abusive to others. He’s never going to love you or care about you because he can’t love himself and lost his way. 

He doesn’t agree with you on saving for a home either as it may remind him of a previous failed relationship or divorce. To me, he experiences loss of control of the situation or feels helpless and reverts back to old habits. He rebels by taking less hours and doesn’t contribute more to any shared goals.  

You may also be dealing with a drug user with that comment about cocaine. Obey this and that is just a person losing control and has never had any control over impulses or what he says/does. 

I’m not sure what else you need to know this is not working. Hire a lawyer in private and gain your legal counsel privately (do not tell or include him in any of it) in separating your finances. You don’t own anything together nor seem to have children so you’re at an advantage. 

[reinventmyself]

Classic bait and switch.  Curious.  Was this an online romance where you didn't really get to know him in  real life prior to living with him?

I was reading word for word, but by the word "obey" my eyes scanned the rest of the story and if you need a nudge or someone else to tell you to leave because you aren't already entirely clear . .then a resounding YES, leave this guy.  He's abusive and using you.

[Blue_Skirt]

Yes, leave your husband.

I don’t understand that you married in March 2021, whereas you only met him online in November 2020, that was only 4 months! Why were you in such a hurry? We have now April 2022 and you have never met his children? Does he see them regularly and does he pay child support?

[boltnrun]

Why did you choose to marry someone you only had known for four months?

Yes, I would choose divorce. 

[Westsidechic80]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Contact an attorney to discuss your options in divorce or annulment. 

What was the big hurry getting married?

He's a bum. At some level you know he thinks of you as an alternative to a homeless shelter.

He may be a deadbeat dad deliberately being under Employed to evade child support.

Ask him what his child support payments are.

I’ve asked him if he pay child support . His response is “don’t ask any questions “ my understanding he doesn’t have a relationship with his children . Not sure the reason ,

[Westsidechic80]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why did you choose to marry someone you only had known for four months?

Yes, I would choose divorce. 

Thought he was someone I could grow with . 

[Westsidechic80]

1 hour ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Yes, leave your husband.

I don’t understand that you married in March 2021, whereas you only met him online in November 2020, that was only 4 months! Why were you in such a hurry? We have now April 2022 and you have never met his children? Does he see them regularly and does he pay child support?

I ve asked him several times if he pays child support . His response is always “don’t ask any questions puss “ 

[Westsidechic80]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Obey what? His ask to obey sounds quite silly. Obviously he has no family to introduce you to if they’re estranged. Something happened there and he doesn’t want to tell you because he lost control of the situation. All of your relationship is a power trip for him and about controlling you and individuals who  have lost control or perceive themselves as losers will seek to regain that even if it’s abusive to others. He’s never going to love you or care about you because he can’t love himself and lost his way. 

He doesn’t agree with you on saving for a home either as it may remind him of a previous failed relationship or divorce. To me, he experiences loss of control of the situation or feels helpless and reverts back to old habits. He rebels by taking less hours and doesn’t contribute more to any shared goals.  

You may also be dealing with a drug user with that comment about cocaine. Obey this and that is just a person losing control and has never had any control over impulses or what he says/does. 

I’m not sure what else you need to know this is not working. Hire a lawyer in private and gain your legal counsel privately (do not tell or include him in any of it) in separating your finances. You don’t own anything together nor seem to have children so you’re at an advantage. 

I agree I think there is some mental  issues at play  . I ve told him repeatedly to go and talk to someone . We have medical insurance and is covered though my employer but refuses to go . He thinks his behavior is normal .

[Westsidechic80]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How old is he? You are in your 40s, yes? I think you knew his "potential" was part of your own creation or fantasy.  You married him without meeting his children, his family? Other than his previous full time uber gig did he ever work full time before you got married?  What potential? Other than "in love!" why did you marry him? I would leave, yes, and certainly do not purchase property with him.  I think it's fine he prefers living in a car/temporary space -this is how he was living when you met him, too.  Also consider you may need a restraining order as he seems unstable.  

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  Are you surprised that it has turned out this way?

I married him because I thought we could grow together . When we first discussed getting married , he told me he would be there for me in all the ways a wife needs from her husband but now I just feel like it was just a bunch of BS. He just got too many issues I’m not prepared to deal with . And he refuses to get help 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Westsidechic80 said:

I’ve asked him if he pay child support . His response is “don’t ask any questions “ my understanding he doesn’t have a relationship with his children . Not sure the reason ,

Ok, so he is hiding out with you to evade this responsibility and is a deadbeat dad running away from the law..

Sever ties because when you  say "I do", his debt becomes your debt.

Get this annulled and legally/financially separated asap. Turn his info over to the police.

 Check your credit score.

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Westsidechic80 said:

Thought he was someone I could grow with . 

Based on what? You knew him for 17 weeks. As you've now found, it's impossible to know if someone is right for you in such a short amount of time.

If you can, look into annulment. Otherwise you'll have to file for divorce. You were not in a long term marriage so you will likely not be ordered to pay him spousal support (since you earn more than he does).

[waffle]

1) Do NOT get pregnant by this loser.
2) Find a way to get divorced ASAP (not sure if you're in the US but sounds like you probably are--some states will expedite the proceedings if there are no minor children and/or no property i.e. real estate in dispute).
3) Next time don't be in such a hurry to get married.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Westsidechic80 said:

He thinks his behavior is normal .

Most conmen do. You were hustled. Research court/criminal records for his name. Don't backpedal hoping to fix him or the colossal mistake of marrying a stranger. 

Talk to trusted friends and family. Cut your losses. Check your credit score. Change all the passwords on all your accounts and devices.

[Westsidechic80]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Most conmen do. You were hustled. Research court/criminal records for his name. Don't backpedal hoping to fix him or the colossal mistake of marrying a stranger. 

Talk to trusted friends and family. Cut your losses. Check your credit score. Change all the passwords on all your accounts and devices.

Ahh a conman . What are the signs  of a conman ? 

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Westsidechic80 said:

Ahh a conman . What are the signs  of a conman ? 

Rushing into marriage. Making promises. Saying "I love you" right away. Living conditions are much lower than yours. Won't reveal anything personal.

[Rose Mosse]

20 hours ago, Westsidechic80 said:

He just got too many issues I’m not prepared to deal with . 

Speak with a lawyer and get the info needed to dissolve the marriage and go your separate ways.