Texting "Etiquette" (aka help out the older generation)

[Batya33]

Not looking to start a debate! Just a discussion.  I get the sense my annoyance is generational -having grown up with a landline, and a latecomer to cellphones (2009) and smartphones (2015).  I'm 55.  Here's my question - are there time limits on texting as opposed to calling?  Meaning is it ok to text early morning/late at night or at what is traditionally mealtimes like noon and 6 (assume same time zone or knowledge of other time zones).  Is the distinction that it is not a call but just a text so the time limits don't apply (oh and assume no understanding between the people as to off limits timing).

Examples.  I have a friend who has called me many times when she knows that it is almost never a good time for me to talk.  So I do the auto message "can't talk right now" and I call her back within a day for non-emergency (or tell her when I can call) but she inevitably will ignore and call again -sometimes twice.  

I have a friend who will text with a question during mealtimes and yesterday at 7am.  Non-emergency -the timing of something school-related, the last name of a person (which was the 7am text as she is doing bday party invites - I texted her the answer then "ok gotta get ready to go to bus stop").  She knows our kids are up for school at that time but wouldn't know if I am up (and to me 7am is really early!).

I know often people will call/text when it's convenient meaning - in the car/waiting for an appointment, etc.  My approach - I take note of time zones. I won't text before or after a certain time of morning/night so as not to disturb.  I won't call then either unless told to.  Or I will say "Not urgent just didn't want to forget to ask how your interview was" - but I'll make it clear I don't expect any sort of prompt response (or is that obvious in a text?).

It seems like within 30 seconds of sitting down to lunch or dinner -around noon, around 6, I'll get a text or a call. I don't typically keep my phone near me during a meal. I relish my time to eat a meal and zone and I don't want to talk while eating. I often am so tired by the time I sit down to dinner since I prepare my dinner after my son/and/or husband.

I typically don't even look at the text or call till later.  Can't keep my phone on silent in case it's the school calling, on a school day.

My sense is the answer is - people text whenever and don't expect any sort of prompt response.  People call with sort of the same mindset. To me texting and calling are different.

My sense also is this is generational and I'm overthinking.  I find it annoying and that it lacks common sense.  And rude if it's multiple calls (and would have felt that way pre-cell).

[greendots]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My approach - I take note of time zones.

To answer your questions, I will avoid texting people at night unless it is necessary or I know they don't mind / are awake / are night owls. Same for early morning texting.

Out of respect, I do not call people really early in the morning or at night unless it was agreed on or is necessary (emergency, etc).

My phone is usually on silent (only when I'm expecting a call / text it's on vibrate / sound), so it doesn't bother me when I receive texts / calls. I'll get to them as soon as I'm available. Except one friend who I tend to take some time replying back to, because otherwise they'll text you non-stop throughout the day.

I don't expect a prompt response, unless the text is time sensitive. But I do appreciate people who reply back as soon as they are able to.

[wealthydior]

It is really annoying for me when people call me. I hate talking on the phone but I don’t mind getting texts 24/7 so my answer is it depends on people’s choices.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

My phone is usually on silent (only when I'm expecting a call / text it's on vibrate / sound), so it doesn't bother me when I receive texts / calls. I'll get to them as soon as I'm available. Except one friend who I tend to take some time replying back to, because otherwise they'll text you non-stop throughout the day.

Thank you! Because my son is in school weekdays at those  times I can't keep the phone on silent.  

Also -this has only happened a few times - I don't like if someone tries to facetime me randomly.  I always decline.

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

It is really annoying for me when people call me. I hate talking on the phone but I don’t mind getting texts 24/7 so my answer is it depends on people’s choices.

I never texted until I was in my 40s and I love talking on the phone but the issue is now with telework it's harder to find time to talk on the phone (and my husband sleeps in so the morning is also difficult.  

Thanks for your input!

[Blue_Skirt]

Growing up with just landline and without internet and cell / smartphone, I feel there isn’t any etiquette, so I go by my own standards.

Now I have to admit, that I am not a texter and I hate writing on my smartphone. I do miss the smartphone with a physical keyboard. With the touchscreen, it takes me way too long to write a message without mistakes, just because I accidentally touched the letter next to it….. Yes, I admit I am a dinosaur.

I mainly communicate by e-mail, which I write on my laptop. I don’t have a lot of friends and privately, nothing is so urgent that it can’t wait a day. I switched off all the sounds on my smartphone, except for phone and alarm clock, lol. So I don’t hear it should I receive a text or e-mail. If something is really that urgent, people can phone me.

I don’t expect people to answer me immediately when I send a message. I don’t phone someone after 10:00pm and before 8:00am, and usually don’t send messages after/before those times either. I have some friends who live further away, so when I want to catch up by phone, we usually agree a time for a phone call. I have 1 friend who calls me spontaneously/randomly whenever it suits her, and if I don’t feel like talking, I let it ring. I refuse to become a slave of my phone/smartphone just because it rings, no, not doing it.

Last year it was I believe, I exchanged some e-mails with a former colleague. We typically write for each others birthdays and new year and that’s it. She asked me whether I could put WhatsApp on my phone, so she could create a group. May sound weird to the younger generations, but I am not doing it.

Professionally I communicate with my clients by e-mail and they can e-mail me any time of the day. If I see there is something urgent on the weekend, I will respond. But most of the time I know already there might be something coming, so that’s fine, that’s my work.

  

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Blue_Skirt said:

don’t expect people to answer me immediately when I send a message. I don’t phone someone after 10:00pm and before 8:00am, and usually don’t send messages after/before those times either. I have some friends who live further away, so when I want to catch up by phone, we usually agree a time for a phone call. I have 1 friend who calls me spontaneously/randomly whenever it suits her, and if I don’t feel like talking, I let it ring. I refuse to become a slave of my phone/smartphone just because it rings, no, not doing it.

Yes, I agree and I like your timing. I do send emails and FB messages whenever because I know their phone won't beep etc.  And I'm fine receiving them. 

When I only had my landline and then email we didn't schedule a phone call if it was for personal stuff unless maybe there was a time zone issue.  I have friends who can do random phone calls and others who can't.  I don't expect people to remember my schedule but I'm surprised if a person calls or texts (and expects a response) during typical lunch/dinner hours.  Of course when we had landlines I remember my parents having to answer the phone if it rang during dinner and that that annoyed them. 

[MsAin1st]

I don’t usually text between the hours of 10 pm and 730 am. No phone calls after 9. My parents always said that was rude.

My phone goes to “bedtime” mode at 1015 and only certain numbers that’s I’ve allowed will ring through. All other notifications get silenced which is nice. 

I’ve also set different message tones for different people, so I know who is texting me just by the sound it makes. Then I can determine if it’s someone I need to respond to or not. Unless it’s my parents or boyfriend I finish whatever it is I’m doing before I respond. 

i feel like im pretty busy during my work day, and only check my messages during my lunch break and planning periods. I had to stop wearing my Apple Watch because it was too much of a distraction to me. I kept getting pings all day (yay sibling group chats! 🤣) . 

 

[Seraphim]

I have my phone on do not disturb from 9PM until 9 AM. I only occasionally check for messages from clients for emergencies. But other than that I don’t want to hear from anyone but close family members during that time. I find a lot of people clueless to time considerations and boundaries. 

[Cherylyn]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is the answer is - people text whenever and don't expect any sort of prompt response.  People call with sort of the same mindset. To me texting and calling are different.

My sense also is this is generational and I'm overthinking.  I find it annoying and that it lacks common sense.  And rude if it's multiple calls (and would have felt that way pre-cell).

I don't think it's ok to text or call early morning / late at night nor during meal times such as lunch and dinnertime at your time zone.  I don't text until mid morning at the earliest, avoid meal times and late evening hours because I treat others the way I prefer to be treated which is consideration in mind.

As for your friend and for my friend, we set up "telecons" or also known as telephone conversation appointments.  "Telecon" is a word from my colleagues but I use the same term for my life outside the employment environment, too.  My friend and I have time limits such as an agreed upon date and time frame from a certain time to end time.  As a friend, even though so many people are very busy, it is refreshing to actually hear your voice once in a while so it is gracious to hear each others' voices every now and then.  Doing only text can feel impersonal, always rushed and without a voice. 

If your friend ignores your "can't talk right now" text, then be accommodating despite your lack of time.  It's not unreasonable to give up some of your time for a few minutes for your friend once in a while such as once a month at the least.  For example, 15 minutes at the minimum.  Explain to her that this is all your schedule will allow.  If she refuses to compromise, then let her messages go straight to voicemail and text her briefly and infrequently.  Eventually, she'll back off due to your infrequent replies. 

My best friend from childhood and I set up a telecon for after dinnertime and we chat for hours approximately every other month.  We are like two hens in a hen house and there's so much catching up.  We don't text a lot.  😋

As for the friend who texts you at 7AM, don't reply immediately.  Wait until it's convenient for you.  This is what I do although no one texts me that early despite my wake up call at no later than 5AM every morning.  Even though I'm an early bird including weekends, I'm not in the mood for phone chats nor texting at the crack of dawn! 😡 I'm grumpy during mornings and need time to jump start my day.

Your "not urgent" text is clear.  However, people will reply anyway whether you're expecting it or not.  If you don't wish to be bothered by giving an immediate response, then write a note to yourself and ask this person about their interview the next time both of you correspond back 'n forth, see each other in person or have a phone chat.  Don't start a dialogue if you don't wish risking to engage in a dialogue. 

When you finally have the time and energy to sit down for a much deserved, relaxing meal, keep your phone away from you such as in another room!  Eat and don't feel rushed nor feel the need to constantly check your phone!  This is what I do!  I don't want to be bothered.  My time is my precious time which is not up for negotiation.  Reply via text or phone call when it's convenient for you or have a phone call by appointment only. 

Yes, people text whenever they prefer.  If it's a non-emergency, I respond when I am able.  If it's an urgent matter, then of course I'll text immediately or call them.  Same with phone calls.  I screen all of my phone calls when it goes straight to voicemail.  Then I'll return calls by leaving a voicemail or tell the person that we can make a telecon appointment for a lengthier phone chat if necessary especially if it's important or there's need of crucial moral support, for example.  Or, if topics are serious such as regarding health, money, trauma, tragedy, crisis or the like, I am there for them.  Don't cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships if you don't have time for them.  Treat them as acquaintances instead and make your communications with them brief and infrequent.  Create broader boundaries for yourself and your busy schedule. 

Regarding lack of common sense and rudeness, welcome to society.  I doubt it's generational.  People are people wherever you go.  You have to play by your rules by controlling the situation so it gives you self respect which I do all the time.  Don't get insulted.  Play your cards smarter and you will be fine.

[Cherylyn]

I have another best friend who is very busy.  She's a recent widow, has 3 dogs, caretaker for her elderly, very frail mother, lives in a big house and she is always pressed for time.  She doesn't have time to text a lot nor engage in phone chats so we email each other instead. 

With each email, we give each other moral support and updates regarding our lives.  However, we both know that we do not reply to each other immediately. Weeks will pass by before we receive a reply and it's fine.  We have a mutual understanding because we're both very busy ladies. 

You might want to consider emailing infrequently.  It's a good way to keep in touch if texts and phone chats are not feasible.

My friends and I are not heavily involved in social media comments which for us, is to our benefit.  We tend to avoid electronic time traps because we're industrious people and need to step away from technology for big chunks of time otherwise the day gets away from us.  We prefer to be productive people and a way to do this is to concentrate on tasks without computer distractions 24 / 7. 

Cell phones and PCs can become a burden if you're too available and if people have too much access to you. 

[Cherylyn]

My other close friend doesn't enjoy texting, emails nor phone chats so we meet for walks approximately once a month.  Sometimes, we'll bring beverages, snacks or a meal and eat at a park after our walks. 

Other times, we'll walk and shop at a mall for hours several times a year or once a month pre-pandemic.

We pick up right where we left off.

We support each other.  During times of stress (birth, death in the family - relatives & in-laws, emergencies, birthdays, holidays, etc), we give each other home cooked meals. 

There are other ways to maintain friendships other than regular texts, emails and phone chats.  There are times when old-fashioned get togethers and socializing are different and refreshing.  Too much convenience from texting and phone calls are rushed and impersonal.  Switch it up for variety. 

 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, MsAin1st said:

I don’t usually text between the hours of 10 pm and 730 am. No phone calls after 9. My parents always said that was rude.

My phone goes to “bedtime” mode at 1015 and only certain numbers that’s I’ve allowed will ring through. All other notifications get silenced which is nice. 

I’ve also set different message tones for different people, so I know who is texting me just by the sound it makes. Then I can determine if it’s someone I need to respond to or not. Unless it’s my parents or boyfriend I finish whatever it is I’m doing before I respond. 

i feel like im pretty busy during my work day, and only check my messages during my lunch break and planning periods. I had to stop wearing my Apple Watch because it was too much of a distraction to me. I kept getting pings all day (yay sibling group chats! 🤣) . 

 

I have a special ring for my husband but honestly I didn't know this could be done with texts.  That's a great idea -these days I turn my phone off before 9 as I now get up earlier and want the "break" but I like your routine!  Thanks!

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My other close friend doesn't enjoy texting, emails nor phone chats so we meet for walks approximately once a month.  Sometimes, we'll bring beverages, snacks or a meal and eat at a park after our walks. 

Other times, we'll walk and shop at a mall for hours several times a year or once a month pre-pandemic.

We pick up right where we left off.

We support each other.  During times of stress (birth, death in the family - relatives & in-laws, emergencies, birthdays, holidays, etc), we give each other home cooked meals. 

There are other ways to maintain friendships other than regular texts, emails and phone chats.  There are times when old-fashioned get togethers and socializing are different and refreshing.  Too much convenience from texting and phone calls are rushed and impersonal.  Switch it up for variety. 

 

Yes -covid and virtual school (until this past August) and teleworking have made that near impossible.  Still very hard given having a child at home, etc.  My issue is more about people who text me at the times I had above (or call) as opposed to not enjoying texting and calling.  I enjoy both very much, not the issue.  I'm glad you can meet with your friends again!  We start traveling again as we used to later this week - now that business travel is coming back so I hope to see my friends in other cities in person, etc.  

LOL on "productive people" - I find social media can be a time suck and texting/emailing/phone calls almost always are not and can be very productive -like my sister who is now singing again (karaoke but still) and sends me videos of her performances which I delight in and delight in sharing with my family.  Like the Jeffersons Movin' On Up - I had no issue with her sending that to me whenever as she knows I'll listen to it when it's convenient. 

I do not initiate those detailed social media posts with photos of what Starbucks drink I had or how I did on Wordle or post any photos of our travels, and I also have some email penpals and really enjoy that -including because as you said there are no time issues like texting.  

[mylolita]

Evening from Royal Britannia Batya! 
 

Glancing this thread and the consensus is I would be classed as the ignorant rude person! Okay maybe that is true! 🤣

 

I find this seems like a generational thing! You ladies are, respectfully, the age of my mother 😘 and she uses her phone much different than me, at 32. And, kids these days at 15 and 18 use their phones different to my generation still.

 

Between all my friends, the thing is you just reply whenever you have time. Could ping it off at 3am or 6am or tea time - you just send away when you get time and presume the other person will look or reply when it’s convenient for them. Anyone else my age, am I right or am I right? 🤣

 

I’m a night owl, always have been - I often do my replying at about 2am. Most people I know have their phones on do not disturb by this point so I’m not gonna disturb anyone. I don’t have my phone when we eat or at certain times so I’ll just look at a text or whatever when it’s a good time for me to look at my phone. My generation, ignorant as we are, I don’t feel like have the compulsion to reply as soon as we have read a message either. Or is that just me? 
 

I know that etiquette is probably totally wrong and very rude but no ones brought it up against me and everyone else my age that I know operates the same way. Are we just a bad generation? Probably 🤣 God, millennials are the WORST! 🥲

 

But erm, I was born 1989 so I think did I just about miss it? 🥲🥲🥲

 

I don’t know anyone who e-mails apart from when they are at work. My Aunty still sends me the odd e-mail and I always forget I even have an account. The only thing I used that for is the constant stream of shopping and delivery notifications shamefully filtering through! 😮‍💨

 

PS - I would never call annoying too early or late, even 8pm for certain family members I would not call, but texting for me has a different etiquette. It’s like dropping a letter in the post. They are gonna read it whenever it gets too them and it’s there for when they are. I know that might be a strange way of looking at it or considered rude! I don’t mean to be!

 

x
 

 

[mylolita]

Batya - you would delete me straight away on WhatsApp 🤣

 

”God damn it it’s dinner and she sent me a MEME WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?!” 
 

😉🤣

 

x

[Jibralta]

17 minutes ago, mylolita said:

But erm, I was born 1989 so I think did I just about miss it? 🥲🥲🥲

1989! 

Ah, the end of the 80s. That was a fun decade with the hair and the dayglow and the shoulder pads. And the music! Of course, I was 12 in 1989 and pretty much a little kid with few cares in the world.

As far as calling and texting are concerned, I think I avoid doing both around dinnertime and after bedtime. But I really don't know what I do in practice.

I hardly ever have my ringer on, and Do Not Disturb clicks on around 7:30pm. I'm afraid I tend to assume that others have the same ringer and Do Not Disturb habits that I do, and I probably shoot off the odd text off-hours 🤔

[Wiseman2]

My devices are all set to "I'll get back to you when I get to you". 😋

[Batya33]

So yes I totally get that texting at mealtimes is so different from calling or calling when the person has told you not to (for me this is before 9:30ish as I need to have my ringer on for school emergencies and it would wake my husband). I never mind FB messages whenever as I have no notifications. I respond to texts when I can and depending on what it is. Thanks so much everyone !  Jibralta in 1989 I was 23. I went to my first rock concert in 1981!

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

1989! 

Ah, the end of the 80s. That was a fun decade with the hair and the dayglow and the shoulder pads. And the music! Of course, I was 12 in 1989 and pretty much a little kid with few cares in the world.

As far as calling and texting are concerned, I think I avoid doing both around dinnertime and after bedtime. But I really don't know what I do in practice.

I hardly ever have my ringer on, and Do Not Disturb clicks on around 7:30pm. I'm afraid I tend to assume that others have the same ringer and Do Not Disturb habits that I do, and I probably shoot off the odd text off-hours 🤔

Ahh Jib,

 

I did but see 2 weeks of the 80s and then I am officially a 90s baby and child 🥲🤣

 

It looked like an AWESOME era though!

 

I seriously did not realise people thought about times and when to send a text off. Whoops!!! I’m like, open to chats till 2am so my aeroplane mode is whenever I feel like woah, the baby is gonna be up at 4am I should really stop this now! 
 

It’s a bad habit to be on your phone till late though. I used to put it down from 8pm ish but lately I have been into bad habits with it again! 
 

x

[Jibralta]

59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I need to have my ringer on for school emergencies and it would wake my husband

I think there might be a setting that lets certain numbers through when your phone is on Do Not Disturb.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think there might be a setting that lets certain numbers through when your phone is on Do Not Disturb.

So these days a teacher might call from a cell phone not the main school number so I would be inadvertently blocking it.  Same with work -my work phone rings through to my cell.

[Jibralta]

Dang.

[Cherylyn]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

Put your phone on mute and check your texts and voicemails at your convenience.  Use your discretion regarding when you reply to texts and / or voicemails.  You control the situation.  They'll learn to respect your time limits due to your hectic schedule raising a family and if they don't, too bad.  Tough luck.

For me, any form of electronic communication or correspondence (same with TV) are time traps because it's like a ball and chain.  This is why, often times, I steer clear of my cell phone, PC and TV in order to be a very industrious person.  I can get a heck of a lot more accomplished on any given day whenever I have zero distractions and interruptions. 

I email infrequently.  Some emails are long.  However, I only email once every few weeks at the most.  It's regarding updates, moral support and the like.  This is for my friend who is equally very busy with her life so we have this mutual understanding. 

I don't post on social media such as FB or IG.  I don't need to post photos nor constantly inform my "friends" what I do during every waking hour which is excessive and ridiculous. 

 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Put your phone on mute and check your texts and voicemails at your convenience.  Use your discretion regarding when you reply to texts and / or voicemails.  You control the situation.  They'll learn to respect your time limits due to your hectic schedule raising a family and if they don't, too bad.  Tough luck.

I can't when my son is in school and I also want my mom to be able to reach me -or someone she is with from an unknown cell (she lives far away, and alone).  

Thanks!

I love FAcebook for specific reasons -keeping in touch with family and friends and reading their posts.  I don't initiate posts and I post no photos.  I've posted three photos of my child in 13 years.  The last one was when he was 4 - a photo that was published in a number of newspapers of us at a museum -from the back.  I believe there were two other photos when he was a baby.  I am shocked at how much unsafe information and photos are posted -specifics about where their family is traveling (meaning empty home), specifics about scary mental health diagnoses for their minor children, etc etc.  It's a generational thing partially.

But yes to my original point I typically cannot put my phone on silent.  I do at times and I turn it off by 9pm usually and if not, then certainly by ten and I don't check it after 9 anyway.

Thanks!