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How To Lose The Paralyzing Fear Of Being Rejected When Cold Approaching Women?


KlearKut
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First off I would like to thank everyone here. This forum has been more helpful than anywhere else on the internet. :D

 

I used to have a very low self-esteem and used to think girls would never like me. In the past they used to give me these dirty rejection looks... sometimes even disgusted stares.
This slowly changed this year as I started to get more and more dates sporadically... with young, attractive women... But so far only through dating apps.

This meant that my appearance wasn't the issue. It must've been something else. These women wouldn't even want to text me if I was actually ugly.


But the hurt of being mostly rejected by them through the years took a heavy toll on my self-confidence and security.

So, even though now I know I am actually attractive and that if I tried to actually approach girls in "the field" more often I would -- indeed -- be able to get some numbers and dates...

There's still this lingering, hampering fear of hearing a "no". It's a heavy blow to my ego still.
But then I also know that's how the dating game works, I know I will be rejected many many times before hitting it off, but it will happen. I just have to put myself out there and keep trying.

How can I get rid of this paralyzing fear 😞 ???

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4 minutes ago, KlearKut said:

How can I get rid of this paralyzing fear 😞 ???

Where are you "cold approaching"? Women generally hate being hit on by strangers so it's unclear why you are doing this. Just stop doing it and the fear will go away.

Join some groups and clubs. Volunteer. Takes some classes/courses. Yoga, dancing, cooking, whatever. Smile say hi to women you see regularly. Start with small talk.

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What do you mean by "cold approach"? Do you just walk up to a woman and ask for her number or for a date?

One of my friends is married to a woman he met at an event. They were both working at the event although for different companies. When they were taking down the booths and putting everything away they struck up a conversation. They talked for a couple of hours and were having a nice time. So when he was finished with his work he asked for her number. He called her that evening and asked her for a date.

No, that was not a cold approach. He established a connection first, then asked for her number.

If you're just walking up to random women, of course your success rate will be low. Start a conversation first, keep it going, gauge the vibe and if it's going well THEN ask for her number and call her (don't text, that's lazy and seems fearful and insecure).

If some dude just randomly walked up to me and asked for my number I wouldn't respond positively, FYI. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Women generally hate being hit on by strangers so it's unclear why you are doing this. Just stop doing it and the fear will go away.

I agree.  Do not cold approach women.

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Is that some "dating coach" strategies? To approach strangers in the street?

Based on what you said you have a fear of rejection. Getting mostly rejected by strangers that dont even know you, wont help your fears. It will only grow them further. I am not against it in a sense that, I dont find it wrong that you go an introduce yourself to someone. But its done mostly in certain kind of places. For example in a bar its not out of the ordinary and its mostly expected to be open to that kind of conversations. On the street? Not so much. 

Also, again, that is for people that have the kind of attitude where they dont care. That just go out, approach and dont care, just go to next one. For somebody like you with the fear of rejection, it would just make it worst if rejection happens. And it mostly will. Because you are approaching total strangers without even knowing if they want to be approached or even do they have anyone. So maybe try something different if you dont want to face rejections often.

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Meet people through activities and events where mingling and conversation is a natural part of it. Swing dancing classes, hiking groups, book clubs, volunteering backstage at community theater, volunteer work, singles events, events at your place of worship, professional organizations related to your work.  Cold approach can be fine but it's rare -my classmate from grad school met her husband that way.  Her mom told her a few weeks earlier "you know you're constantly getting checked out by nice looking men but you walk around looking down at the ground." So she stopped doing that. 

Then she noticed a man smiling at her from across a street.  In a nice way.  She crossed the street.  They married a few years later. Over 20 years ago.  It's very rare. I don't advise it.

Edited by Batya33
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I agree with what everyone else is saying. You need to have a conversation with someone first and build some kind of a common interest ground before asking for a phone number and date. As far as dealing with rejection, it’s just something that we all have to learn to handle. I would even compare dating to job hunting. With each of them you are going to face a lot of rejection before hitting the right one. 

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is that some "dating coach" strategies? To approach strangers in the street?

Based on what you said you have a fear of rejection. Getting mostly rejected by strangers that dont even know you, wont help your fears. It will only grow them further. I am not against it in a sense that, I dont find it wrong that you go an introduce yourself to someone. But its done mostly in certain kind of places. For example in a bar its not out of the ordinary and its mostly expected to be open to that kind of conversations. On the street? Not so much. 

Also, again, that is for people that have the kind of attitude where they dont care. That just go out, approach and dont care, just go to next one. For somebody like you with the fear of rejection, it would just make it worst if rejection happens. And it mostly will. Because you are approaching total strangers without even knowing if they want to be approached or even do they have anyone. So maybe try something different if you dont want to face rejections often.

I agree with this. 

You’ll have to “read the room” and be much more cognizant of your surroundings and what kind of crowd you’re in. There is no rule saying you shouldn’t approach others but consider where you’re at and who you’re around. 

Some people are far more outgoing than others and have no problem with rejection or meeting new people, being friendly with everyone regardless of the outcome.

If you want to learn more of that start with making new friends and starting up conversations with strangers at meet ups and events. Learn to talk about anything and everything and connect with people on what matters to them. You’ll gain more confidence that way and also realize that if someone doesn’t think you’re their cup of tea it’s no problem for you. Moving on! 

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