10 years on….

[Nayeem]

I originally joined this forum around 10-12 years ago—in a first love/high school sweetheart relationship that went south. We were together from 2004-2012 and the last 3 years were pretty awful. I ended up breaking it off after several incidences involving non consenting s*x, name calling, being left out of things he would organise, anger issues, just a general disinterest in me, never came first, but he was sure we would marry etc and was devastated. I met someone 2 years later—head over heels, got married a couple of years later, and now have 2 kids. Since having the babies-I can not stop fantasising about my ex boyfriend. And to make matters worse I recently ran into him (accidentally, totally random and in a very unlikely place) and had a 30 min coffee/catch up which was super friendly and normal. I still can’t stop thinking about what could have been—I dream about meeting up, thinking of the life I could have had with him, go over imaginary conversations….think about our time together…It’s especially prevalent on days when I’m by myself with the kids. Now, my husband is great-great Dad, very supportive, loving—I just feel like there was something with the ex that’s not with him….the spark (or is it the drama?) He’s getting married soon and I just feel so.sad about it all. Like it’s my fault I let go of it….I feel like I’m going crazy—what to do?? 

[East4]

What it could have been if you had satyed with your ex? More of the same: non-consensual sex, name calling and abuse. Why would you miss that? You did well to severe ties with your ex, but you made a mistake to marry your rebound after him. It seems to me that your current husband was your rebound after the demise of your abusive relationship.

Now you have two children and a good husband. You are a lucky woman. 

It would be helpful to explorer your longing for an unhealthy relationship with a therapist.

From where I stand and based on what you wrote, it is hard to understand that you might feel unfulfilled with a good husband and 2 children. Many women would love to have that, and  you should cherish what you have.

[Nayeem]

Yes sorry I have re edited-I actually met my now husband 2 years later…I don’t think it was a rebound…I had a lot of stuff to work through! 

[Nayeem]

4 minutes ago, East4 said:

What it could have been if you had satyed with your ex? More of the same: non-consensual sex, name calling and abuse. Why would you miss that? You did well to severe ties with your ex, but you made a mistake to marry your rebound after him. It seems to me that your current husband was your rebound after the demise of your abusive relationship.

Now you have two children and a good husband. You are a lucky woman. 

It would be helpful to explorer your longing for an unhealthy relationship with a therapist.

From where I stand and based on what you wrote, it is hard to understand that you might feel unfulfilled with a good husband and 2 children. Many women would love to have that, and  you should cherish what you have.

Yes I know it would be the same. I fantasise about the times we were younger before it went south…not the more recent years. He was a different person. And I can go days without thinking of him (when I’m kept busy/at work etc) so I know it’s very situational…but still.

[East4]

If you fantasise about other people/relationship, in the general sense it means something is missing in your relationship with your husband.

But from what you wrote, there is nothing to be missed about your ex.

Considering the length of the relationship with your ex, 8 years, and the fact that it was pretty traumatic, it takes a longer time to "clean" yourself from it, before being ready for something new. In this case two years does not seem like a long time.

Your ex is getting married, this may be something that stirs your emotions. But it is useless, because now you are married, with children.

My advice would be to honestly look at what might be missing in your relationship with your husband. You said he was a great dad, but how is he towards you, as a woman? 

[Tanzi]

11 minutes ago, Nayeem said:

I dream about meeting up, thinking of the life I could have had with him, 

You know what life would have been like … non-consential sex (ie. rape) and emotional abuse. You left him for a reason, remember?

Becoming a mum is very hard, you lose your identity as your self …. and if you are a stay-at-home mum (like I was in the early days), you are a dependent wife as well as a full-time mother, trying to keep everyone and everything ticking along. It’s easy to forget that you once had a very different life where you only had to think of yourself. It could be that you are missing aspects of your old life. Maybe you and your husband should make some time for each other (a date night for example). Maybe make some time to catch up with friends to feel your old self again. Getting yourself out of the home makes you appreciate what you have in the home instead of dreaming of a different life outside of it.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Nayeem said:

…It’s especially prevalent on days when I’m by myself with the kids. Now, my husband is great-great Dad, 

This isn't about this awful ex. This is longing for your youth and freedom.

Do you work? Is the drudgery of the married with kids getting to you?

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

In the meantime get out of the house more. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses.

How is your marriage? Dull? In a rut? Do you do all the childcare and housework? Are you a SAHM?

This is simply you wishing your life were freeer and simpler .

[Nayeem]

13 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

You know what life would have been like … non-consential sex (ie. rape) and emotional abuse. You left him for a reason, remember?

Becoming a mum is very hard, you lose your identity as your self …. and if you are a stay-at-home mum (like I was in the early days), you are a dependent wife as well as a full-time mother, trying to keep everyone and everything ticking along. It’s easy to forget that you once had a very different life where you only had to think of yourself. It could be that you are missing aspects of your old life. Maybe you and your husband should make some time for each other (a date night for example). Maybe make some time to catch up with friends to feel your old self again. Getting yourself out of the home makes you appreciate what you have in the home instead of dreaming of a different life outside of it.

I did speak to a friend about this—she said it almost is like I’m dreaming up a life away from the monotony of motherhood and home life…I think this is spot on in some aspects..Thankyou.

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

Becoming a mum is very hard, you lose your identity as your self …. and if you are a stay-at-home mum (like I was in the early days), you are a dependent wife as well as a full-time mother, trying to keep everyone and everything ticking along. It’s easy to forget that you once had a very different life where you only had to think of yourself.

I could not disagree more.  - that might be true of some people -stay at home dads too but nope nope.  I didn't lose anything.  I gained - it's a cliche that there is an "identity" a woman "loses" when she has a baby whether or not she chooses to work outside the home or not.

  I was financially independent when I was at home full time because I saved my $ for 11 years previously - most of that time when I was single - to be in that position (although my husband was able to provide so I contributed because I wished to but it didn't end up being necessary for those 7 years). 

I wasn't a dependent wife -I was a person raising our son who felt independent, like I won the lottery of life, and just like my previous career I had responsibilities in my new job as full time mom - and enjoyed those responsibilties, accepted the restrictions on my freedom to come and go just as I had in my previous two careers- the last one lasting 15 years. 

I had a different life but so what -many many people transition into different stages of life whether or not they have a child.  People move, switch careers, go back to school, care for aging parents, get married and divorced or coupled or uncoupled, transition their gender identity, their religion. It's just called life.  Nothing particularly earth shattering about becoming a parent as opposed to the many other changes so many others go through.

I chose to be home full time with our son for 7 years and it wasn't all roses.  Neither was my career.  Because that's just life.  I love that I made that choice, love when I knew I was ready to return to my career or some similar semblance of it -and never ever lost my "identity" because many people like me are not set in stone, we're not rigid or robotic.  We go with the flow.  I flowed back into working outside the home 5 years ago. Great decision too.  

I would not chalk up the OP's struggles to her choice to become a parent unless she comes to that realization.  Those assumptions and generalizations are really problematic and paint a stark picture of parenthood and identity that is simply not true.  I shared my personal experience because it's typical.  I'm tired of the "stay at home" (we rarely stayed in one place or at home) negative generalizations especially if it's used to justify someone choosing to stray from their marriage. The OP has not done so AT ALL - but please don't assume her challenges now stem from these choices.

[Kwothe28]

I think its just a fantasy thing. You have "not so exciting" marriage and 2 kids. So you long for some excitment. In your case, an ex boyfriend with whom it was exciting. Like one of those suburb housewifes. Who married "safe" and then start to long poolboy because they need to derive "excitment" from somewhere. Because hubby doesnt give them that and is "boring" but some other guy would give them drama and it would be "fun".

It's not really a good mindset to have for marriage. It leads to extramarital affairs and such. You already started to meet your ex for coffee(totally innapropriate btw, wonder what would hubby say). What would happen if he would ask for more? Would you give in to fantasy? 

Marriages require work. So I would suggest to actually work on that. Why is your husband not exciting to you? Can it be worked on that? If the spark is gone can it be back? You should think more about that then indulging yourself in fantasies about some ex that you had drama club situations. 

[Nayeem]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its just a fantasy thing. You have "not so exciting" marriage and 2 kids. So you long for some excitment. In your case, an ex boyfriend with whom it was exciting. Like one of those suburb housewifes. Who married "safe" and then start to long poolboy because they need to derive "excitment" from somewhere. Because hubby doesnt give them that and is "boring" but some other guy would give them drama and it would be "fun".

It's not really a good mindset to have for marriage. It leads to extramarital affairs and such. You already started to meet your ex for coffee(totally innapropriate btw, wonder what would hubby say). What would happen if he would ask for more? Would you give in to fantasy? 

Marriages require work. So I would suggest to actually work on that. Why is your husband not exciting to you? Can it be worked on that? If the spark is gone can it be back? You should think more about that then indulging yourself in fantasies about some ex that you had drama club situations. 

Thanks for the response. Just to clarify I didn’t meet up intentionally-we literally both turned around a corner at a train station.I was on the phone to my husband asap telling him what had happened after… but I think you are spot on with your first paragraph.

[Andrina]

People not happy in their present look to their past to seek it there, but it's a faulty way of thinking.

Work on re-establishing your emotional connection with your husband. Make sure you have regular date night/days of fun with him, and keep the intimacy fresh by picking out new stuff at a couples store and reading articles for new ideas.

Have regular solo time, such as your husband being the parent to watch the children so you can have time with a hobby, or going to dinner, etc. with a girlfriend.

Do not stay in contact with the ex. That's not conducive to a healthy marriage. Besides, the ex is a mentally disturbed person so if you'd want to be around a person like that for one more second in your life, you likely subconsciously think very poorly of yourself, and dysfunction somehow feels right to you versus normalcy. Maybe if you work on your self-love, you will begin to see things in a different way.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Nayeem said:

Thanks for the response. Just to clarify I didn’t meet up intentionally-we literally both turned around a corner at a train station.I was on the phone to my husband asap telling him what had happened after… but I think you are spot on with your first paragraph.

It doesn't matter if it was intentional. I met up with my ex fiancee for a platonic catch up dinner -exes for over 7 years.  That was my absolute only intention -quick platonic dinner.  His too!. Except that sparks flew! Blindsided me actually.  We were both single at the time so there was nothing inappropriate.  Now we've been married for 13 years lol.  I almost married for "safety" before I married him - came darn close actually.  

Did you have a spark with your husband? If so there's a really good chance you can revive it. Also love Andrina's advice.  Spot on.  Good luck!

[Tanzi]

4 hours ago, Nayeem said:

I did speak to a friend about this—she said it almost is like I’m dreaming up a life away from the monotony of motherhood and home life…I think this is spot on in some aspects..Thankyou.

No problem.  Thing is, you are focussing on the good things that happened in the relationship and forgetting the bad.  You need to remind yourself of those. You know that real life won't match your fantasy.  Did this all start when you heard he was getting married?  How are things with your husband?

[itsallgrand]

Nothing wrong with investing in a quick top up with therapy to address this. It can be a part in your healing process from this man who seriously abused you. There's no shame in not being 100% "over" it, and his coming marriage may be a trigger. Life events, like having children, can be a trigger for lots of people where old issues resurface too. It's manageable if you nip it now. You worked so hard to get away, and have built a beautiful life. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Nayeem said:

….the spark (or is it the drama?) He’s getting married soon and I just feel so.sad about it all. Like it’s my fault I let go of it….I feel like I’m going crazy—what to do?? 

You may have let go of your illusions 'about' your ex, but now that there's something missing in your marriage, you're ramping those illusions back up again.

Pretty common, actually, but as you've noticed, it's a form of self torture that's likely not even accurate. It's productive only to the degree that it raises alarm bells about your need for something more from your marriage that you're not getting--OR, the reverse could be true--you may need to be giving something that you are withholding.

So start there. Consider solo counseling first, as this can help you to identify what you may be needing but not getting from your marriage or not giving to it. From there, you can decide whether to pursue couple's counseling with husband or whether learning how to negotiate your needs in exchange for meeting some of husband's needs might work without that.

Either way, trust that you would not have felt so miserably mistreated by your ex if that were not truly the case. If he's now some miraculous new-and-improved version of himself, that's likely in part because of your willingness to walk away from mistreatment rather than in spite of it, and it also may not even be accurate.

[wealthydior]

Now that you have a stable life, the question “what could’ve been with my ex?” Seems more exciting to you. I can reassure you that you are lucky that you got rid of your abusive ex. It’s normal to feel overwelmed sometimes with kids. Everyday is same. But you can still find exciting things to do with your family.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, wealthydior said:

Now that you have a stable life, the question “what could’ve been with my ex?” Seems more exciting to you. I can reassure you that you are lucky that you got rid of your abusive ex. It’s normal to feel overwelmed sometimes with kids. Everyday is same. But you can still find exciting things to do with your family.

So for me having gone for unavailable men and now in a stable marriage and happy -because I first became the right person to find the right person -I don't think the answer is looking for excitement in your married life if what is exciting is the thought of the one who got away, the unavailability. If that is the craving, family life won't meet that craving.  But what is important is to make a decision -hopefully head and heart -that the sort of excitement related to the ex is not the sort of excitement that will fulfil you and that actually life need not be "exciting" to be good, to be happy, to be fulfilling. 

I'm excited I don't have to make school lunch tonight since my son has no school tomorrow and really pleased that a favorite food of mine that is expensive was on sale on Friday.  I'm happy I put aside a really bad book of short stories my dear friend recommended in favor of a novel I'm really enjoying, and also that I'm almost done with a sort of tedious work project.  I'm happy that I didn't tell my husband this morning in an email I was irritated with him that he didn't see my email about our son's application and instead reminded myself to be compassionate and recall he had a really hectic day yesterday. 

If the one who got away or the one who was never in love with me but I was so into him back then called me and said "Ok now I'm divorced, thinking of you, I made a mistake in 2003 ending things with you -you are my person" - I'd be like "nice to hear from you L, sorry you and B are divorced, hope your twins are ok and I was really into you in 2003 and I'm married now, have a great son, am very happy, and take care of yourself, k?" 

Would I wonder? Yes likely for less than 60 seconds - I'd be a little flattered, feel a little "wow that's something!" I'd probably tell a close friend, I would NOT tell my husband, and I'd rejoice in having nutella on toast and good coffee for breakfast or such. 

Because when I chose him, I happily chose to cut off any other option and understood I hadn't dated everyone on the planet -only about half - but it didn't matter.  I was done and ready to begin life with him whether exciting or not, blissful or not, irritating or not.  An ex could not change that, could not touch that. 

And yes I've been contacted by exes including the 2003 one who put out feelers while he was dating his future wife, while they were engaged, a bit less so once they were married.  I had no response. 

I did ask my husband when he called after our son was born if it was ok if I called him to thank him for his well wishes (there are mutual friends).  He said yes. So I did. I left a voicemail. 

Please look within yourself to find out what is missing and if you and your husband had a spark try to revive that -not in necessarily an "exciting" way but in a solid, secure, happy way.  Good luck.