Does he event want to get married?

[PattyJohnes72]

Hi people, looking for some advice and wise words because I think I am loosing my sanity...

Quick background info: We are both in our early 30's, working, and living together. Dating for 1 year and 7 months. I am a foreigner in the country of my current residence. Some time ago we started talking about plans for the future: when I will be done with my current job assignment, I want to move back closer to my country of origin and he likes the idea and wanted to move with me as well (I was clear about that early in our dating stage). We also started talking about getting married and wanted to have kids. Some time ago as well we looked for the ring as well, he ordered a ring sizer to see what fits me.

Onto a current issue: I was kind of expecting him proposing on Valentine's Day - that did not happen. He even didn't plan any date, we had some plans but he cancelled saying that we should celebrate some other day, because I look exhausted from work (I was) and he will plan something special (never did). Also around this time we found out my boyfriend has health issues - he will probably require surgery (already had minor one) and a long, long recovery time. Because he is unable to drive to work, he partially works at home and because of his condition, I take care of him and the household - all the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, but also helping him a bit with hygiene, medications etc. And this is just the beginning, I am bracing myself to be a full time care giver (and I will do it because I love him). Recently, we had a little bit of an argument when while watching some romantic trash tv show I said something like "well, at least they are engaged". I already apologized for making the drama. And what he said killed me a little bit inside. He said he doesn't want to get engaged, because he thinks right now it is not a good time with his issues happening. Not gonna lie - I was hurt. Every day he says he loves me and thanks me for what I am doing, but I can't shake the feeling of: 1) There has been already few other situations he could propose, 2) I thought if life throws a huge crap at you like health issues, that is exactly the time you should commit!

I feel terrible for feeling like this to be honest. There is part of me thinking I am good enough only to cook and clean and he will actually never propose. I already decided I won't be moving closer to my country when I planned just to stay and take care of him. Am I overreacting? Does he even want to get married? Or I should be more graceful and gentle about this whole situation? To be honest, I never expected a huge event, even a ring (!), just a simple question of "will you marry me". And this is killing me right now...

I will appreciate any insight and advice...

[Rose Mosse]

What was the reason for going back to your country aside from your current assignment finishing? 

It’s appropriate and responsible not to take on more if he is doing poorly in terms of health. You’re growing frustrated with him and possibly also due to lost opportunities for work. 

Put the frustrations aside and respect each others’ different opinion on marriage. He doesn’t want that or thinks it’s a bad time.

You have the choice to disagree and walk away instead of becoming more resentful. Don’t force this. Never force someone or try to make someone see things your way if they don’t agree. Take responsibility for your own actions and don’t be his caregiver any longer if this situation is not ideal for you. Or,  he will need to consider hiring a nurse or someone who can care for him while you pursue any opportunities you need to achieve for yourself. Maybe you need to go home and take another assignment to forward your career.

You’re experiencing conflict because he’s no longer adding to your life and taking from it at a rate that you can’t keep up with.

I think you both stopped respecting each other and it’s come to this. If you can’t do this don’t even bother marrying one another. 

 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, PattyJohnes72 said:

We are both in our early 30's, working, and living together. Dating for 1 year and 7 months. I am a foreigner in the country of my current residence. Some time ago we started talking about plans for the future: when I will be done with my current job assignment, I want to move back closer to my country of origin..

he will probably require surgery and a long, long recovery time. Because he is unable to drive to work, he partially works at home and because of his condition, I take care of him and the household - all the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, but also helping him a bit with hygiene, medications etc. . He said he doesn't want to get engaged, because he thinks right now it is not a good time with his issues happening. 

I feel terrible for feeling like this to be honest. There is part of me thinking I am good enough only to cook and clean and he will actually never propose. I already decided I won't be moving closer to my country when I planned just to stay and take care of him.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately this way too much too soon. Dating 19 mos and already living together. Do you have a work visa or do you need a fiancée visa in order to obtain residency? 

You could stay and be his caretaker however your hopes of marriage and family with not materialize with this man.

He is kind not to saddle you down with a premature and unwise decision to marry. Particularly if you wish to move (he talked but can not do that) . He is giving you the freedom you'll need to marry have a family rather than be his nursemaid.

 

[PattyJohnes72]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately this way too much too soon. Dating 19 mos and already living together. Do you have a work visa or do you need a fiancée visa in order to obtain residency? 

You could stay and be his caretaker however your hopes of marriage and family with not materialize with this man.

He is kind not to saddle you down with a premature and unwise decision to marry. Particularly if you wish to move (he talked but can not do that) . He is giving you the freedom you'll need to marry have a family rather than be his nursemaid.

 

I have a work visa, so my legal situation is fine. I originally came to the country I am currently in for 3 years, I never planned to stay. Where we were supposed to move he actually has a family (grandparents, aunts etc). I am at least 12h by plane from my home, and with Global Situation and other issues, not gonna lie - I miss family, friends, living closer to my culture. That's why I wanted to move and he was always on board with that.

I guess I don't understand the previous actions of his: he was the one taking me to look for rings, taking notes what I like, he ordered ring sizer, he measured my finger etc.

I was also planning to talk to his parents that live like 2,5 hours away that probably they need to help me more with his health issues, because I know this is not his fault - but I feel like I'm a maid. Despite him telling me everyday how grateful he is, how much he loves me and being affectionate.

 

[Coily]

From his perspective he probably believes not tying you down is kindness, also health problems bring out the morose parts of people. I do think you are placing too heavy an emphasis on getting married at this stage in the relationship, especially that he found about about his illness around the same time.

It sounds more like you were in love with the ideal of him more than the man himself. When you see yourself as a maid more than a partner it may be time to look at what both of you value in the relationship, and can this be a long term prospect.

Hopefully the two of you can sit down and have a discussion about your future soon.

[smackie9]

he's thinking "What?! that is all concerns you when I'm going through something that will be life changing and that I'm scared of what the future holds for me?" "Can't you see I'm going through something serious here?"

Girl an engagement/planning a wedding is the last thing he's thinking about....so give the guy some space. He is not in a good place emotionally at this time. Give it another 6 months and see where you are at with this. Then see if a conversation can happen. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, PattyJohnes72 said:

actions of his: he was the one taking me to look for rings, taking notes what I like, he ordered ring sizer, he measured my finger etc

 This is all posturing and acting. It means nothing.  If he wanted to marry you would know. All someone does is go to a jewelry store and buy a ring. He did this at your urgings to keep the peace.

It's way too much way too soon. Everything. Moving in together, talking marriage, where to relocate, kids. etc..

You are marching forward alone in an extremely intense manner, almost oblivious to his disabilities. It's not working out. At all. Let his family, nurses, home aides, professional caretakers, etc. take care of him.

Just move home. He does not owe you marriage because you voluntarily assumed the role of home attendant/servant.

[Batya33]

I think he wanted to propose and now is distracted, and also so worried, by his illness.  It's cute that he did the ring size thing -just like many couples go to look at rings even if they're not quite ready to propose.  What was the plan for the length of engagement? 

I would decide right now -if you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay?  Also - ask him directly what is the reason for the delay -if it's his illness that's different than if it's something else.  I'm sorry you're stressed and upset.  Also, you know you could propose to him (had he not just told you he wasn't ready) -but in general why wait for his proposal?

[Blue_Skirt]

What was the idea behind living together?  

[Tinydance]

Well, this might sound like maybe I'm coming from a selfish perspective but in a relationship it's not just about one person. You're in this relationship too. I understand that he has health issues but you were very upfront that you wanted marriage with him from the start. I know that you can't force it and it shouldn't be like: "Well I'm your caretaker and you owe me marriage".

But if he's not willing to marry you then I guess you just need to think about whether you actually want to be with him or not. Though this might sound selfish but why should you basically be a carer for him even to the point of personal hygiene if he doesn't seem to want to get engaged? Your goal is to get married so even if he wasn't sick, the point is you're not with someone who is giving you that. I don't think it's wrong to have a clear vision of what you really want, especially in your 30's.

Also you're not moving closer to your home country for him to take care of him, so you actually are sacrificing a lot. 

You asked him to get engaged, not to have the wedding yet. So all he has to do is get a ring and ask you to marry him. It's not like he needs to spend all this time and money on a wedding. Even if he doesn't want to do that for due to his health, but again this doesn't give you what you want.

You could ask him to be 100% honest with you. You can ask him to tell you the truth if he actually wants to marry you in future or not. 

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

he's thinking "What?! that is all concerns you when I'm going through something that will be life changing and that I'm scared of what the future holds for me?" "Can't you see I'm going through something serious here?"

Girl an engagement/planning a wedding is the last thing he's thinking about....so give the guy some space. He is not in a good place emotionally at this time. Give it another 6 months and see where you are at with this. Then see if a conversation can happen. 

I agree with this and think the first thing to address is how you are slipping right into full time care giver mode with him instead of girlfriend. It's too young in your relationship for that and it's not healthy for either of you nor figuring out the next steps in your relationship. As his girlfriend, you can help him navigate but you don't want to create a situation where he feels so dependent on you. And there are other ways he can get his needs met, so you both can proceed based on wanting to be together or not, rather than some feeling like it's out of obligation. I don't think now is a time to be pressuring nor expecting a grand commitment as he's in a very vulnerable position and if he marries you, it should be from a position where he again feels on more equal footing. Empower rather than push, then you can get the honest answer. 

[catfeeder]

If his health condition is serious enough to need surgery, has it occurred to you that he's just plain not feeling well enough to want much of anything but relief from feeling lousy?

Marriage is through sickness and health. You're learning the sickness part early. Decide whether you're in for that, or not. If not, skip town. If so, then consider that sickness usually means you're not exactly feeling inspired at the moment, and you're certainly not up for a wedding.

THINK.

 

[SooSad33]

I don't know why you're in such a hurry to marry?

you've only been involved 1.5 yrs?  Why the rush?

I feel you should just slow down the expectations and be there for your bf emotionally - care for him as you are. As you know now what you're in for... right?  And you can handle it?

As mentioned, I'm sure he is not up to par to put the idea/plans of a wedding up front of all he's going through at the moment.

I was involved with my bf for almost 5 yrs before we married.  There was no pressures or expectation. But we came to grow together and just build our relationship.

How about you continue to do this.  Don't feel like this needs to be done asap.  But relax and give things time.

The two of you need to deal with his upcoming surgery and recover from all of that. Then, figure out what to do from there ( you said you will not move now?- is this okay with you?).  Then your employments.  Things add up. Things happen and we need to slow all down sometimes and just go one day at a time.

 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I don't know why you're in such a hurry to marry?

you've only been involved 1.5 yrs?  Why the rush?

I don't think it's about the rush part but the part that he went from ring sizing to now he doesn't want to get engaged and doesn't know when he will want to.  I know people who marry within less of a year, wait 10 years, everything in between  -there are so many individual reasons why - I wouldn't label people who get married soon after meeting as necessarily rushing or those who don't as dragging their feet but what is important is being on the same page.  My sense is that they were on the same page and now they are not.  Likely because of his health condition. It's not fair to accuse her of wanting to rush when she was going with what he said his intentions were.  

(My husband was ready to get engaged 6 months after we reconnected, I was not.  I was ready a year later.  Yes he was willing to wait. We "rushed" trying for a baby because of our ages and did things out of the traditional order - I got pregnant, then we got engaged three months later then married 6.5 weeks later - such that there were those who figured we got married "because" I got pregnant which wasn't true - but given the typical timeline people are quick to judge the reasons behind the order of things and I got to experience that firsthand -didn't bother me at all other than the prying rapid fire questioning I sometimes got). 

I'll add that I don't think long engagements are needed, I don't think time for planning a wedding reception is needed (I planned mine in 6 weeks while 7 months pregnant) and if the bride and groom prioritize celebrating their vows with a big party that day that's fine - but that's not the wedding -that's the wedding reception, nothing to do with the marriage/getting married).