Second date?

[Alex39]

8 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

For yourself don’t go to dress shopping but meet with them afterwards. You can get along with them. Maybe they will be your future bff’s. Maybe they have handsome friends, cousins, brothers. You never know. Also you are still so young. Why do you need a relationship so badly? Maybe your friends who are married with kids want the life you have now. I’m single and even though I have a huge crush on someone I don’t want anything serious. I just want this free life I have. To be able to feel young and make mistakes. I’m not saying that the things you want are unnecessary but you will have them sooner or later. You can still have fun till those things happen. Because once they happen you may miss your free days and think that you were mistaken of not using your days for yourself only.

Plus, having a wedding. I see all my friends picking out flowers, dresses, and doing all this fun wedding stuff. I'd love to do that. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm helping them a lot on these weddings. Going to appointments and supporting them. I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them. They'll be too busy and removed to care. Their weddings will be years ago so it'll not be as great when I jump into it. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I sat tonight at my dining table eating alone. I do it a lot, so I'm used to it. But I would have loved to have someone sitting next to me, enjoying a home cooked meal, and chatting about the day. 

I turned 34 in the year 2000 and I remember wanting to be done having kids by then (and married).  I love being able to eat alone - we don't eat at the same table but in the same room (we live in an apartment) and yes we chat every so often. I prefer to eat alone and not talk much so I can zone out online, or read a good book and eat slowly.  So we're not the typical family dinner family.  

It was emotionally stressful being pregnant for the first time ever at almost 42.  when I was 32 only embryo freezing was available -now egg freezing is. I would have frozen my eggs if I could.  Other than emotionally stressful my pregnancy went smoothly, but I did have age-related post-birth complications.  From which I recovered.  Our son is great. 

Had I not had the post birth condition  (no not PPA or PPD - I believe my mental health was completely fine albeit the sleep deprivation did a number on me) I might have tried for another one. We personally did not want to adopt but might have had I not conceived.  I do recommend -if you can- trying to conceive before age 35 -just less risk although the non-invasive diagnostic tests are so much better now.  We declined amnio or anything invasive.  

Before I tried to conceive I did focus more on my health -I was a healthy weight, I got my hormone levels checked, I made sure to take vitamins, eat ok (not prenatal - regular), I went off the pill about 2 years before I started trying.  

It was very hard for me being single in my mid-late 30s.  I wasn't lonely at all but I wanted marriage and family and despite no guarantees I was completely honest with myself that those were my goals, I was happy with my life but wanted to attain those goals and not settle.  I agree with you -be honest about what you want -but then you have to go for it in a very proactive way.  It's worth it.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Plus, having a wedding. I see all my friends picking out flowers, dresses, and doing all this fun wedding stuff. I'd love to do that. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm helping them a lot on these weddings. Going to appointments and supporting them. I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them. They'll be too busy and removed to care. Their weddings will be years ago so it'll not be as great when I jump into it. 

That's not the wedding.  That's the wedding reception. Planning for the marriage is so much more important.  Why do you want a big party? It's fine to want one but what's fun about that for you? We planned a huge one -and then broke up.  6 weeks before. 

When we got back together 7 years later and got engaged about 3 years after I was in my second trimester.  We had an AWESOME wedding.  I planned it in 6.5 weeks.  We had ten guests at my inlaws house. 

My friend's dad is a florist and I think he supplied flowers.  I bought a blue maternity dress (not a wedding dress but fancy) as we were having a boy (I had inherited a gorgeous Vera Wang dress that fit even then but I decided it was too heavy/too much). My divorced friend lent me a veil. I had gorgeous shoes. 

Taking our vows in front of our immediate families and my husband's best friend was amazing.  It was magical but also felt so natural.  Then we all went for lunch and the local bakery did our wedding cake which was great.  The entire wedding including my clothing was around $1,500.  The officiant knew my husband since he was young and I got to know him too.  I was thrilled not to have to plan a huge party and deal with vendors, etc.  It was the best day ever.

Absolutely have your blow out party if you want one.  I've been to many - brides ranging in age from 17 to 40s.  I've had fun at a number of them.  I met a guy at one who took me to the Rolling Stones concert and insisted on treating.  But I know wedding planning is also very stressful. Totally up to you. 

[Batya33]

Oh and of course it's not easy starting out as newlyweds and new parents as we did it.  But we knew waiting was wayy too risky and we both wanted a family.  Sometimes you have to do things a bit differently.  6 months after getting married I left my home city of 43 years and moved 800 miles to a city where I only knew my husband and baby. Also not what I pictured.  But I went with it.  And I'd known in advance that likely would be the plan.  

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Plus, having a wedding. I see all my friends picking out flowers, dresses, and doing all this fun wedding stuff. I'd love to do that. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm helping them a lot on these weddings. Going to appointments and supporting them. I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them. They'll be too busy and removed to care. Their weddings will be years ago so it'll not be as great when I jump into it. 

This is such a negative mindset. It's disaster mongering.

What does your therapist say when you share these negative, self-defeating thoughts with him or her?

[Alex39]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is such a negative mindset. It's disaster mongering.

What does your therapist say when you share these negative, self-defeating thoughts with him or her?

I disagree, but that's my opinion. Those special moments. I was so overjoyed that my friend found her dress yesterday. Almost cried. I can't wait to find a beautiful dress and have people around me feel that way too. 

It was pure happiness and joy. I find weddings and wedding planning joyous. That's just my opinion. 

I've been so supportive and positive about all my friends weddings. I hope I can experience the same some day. 

[Alex39]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is such a negative mindset. It's disaster mongering.

What does your therapist say when you share these negative, self-defeating thoughts with him or her?

Also, weddings are joyous as you are planning a union of love. You get to express to everyone you know that you found a person you connect with so well. And plan this event that represents both of you.  That just seems so romantic and fun. Planning the ideal beautiful party that is you as a couple. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Also, weddings are joyous as you are planning a union of love. You get to express to everyone you know that you found a person you connect with so well. And plan this event that represents both of you.  That just seems so romantic and fun. Planning the ideal beautiful party that is you as a couple. 

The passage I quoted referred to your negative mindset toward your own potential wedding. You wrote this:

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them. They'll be too busy and removed to care.

This is negative. It's not celebratory or joyous.

One of my friends met her husband when she was 30, married him when she was 32 and just had a beautiful, healthy baby girl last year when she was 35. It happens all the time.

 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Plus, having a wedding. I see all my friends picking out flowers, dresses, and doing all this fun wedding stuff. I'd love to do that. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm helping them a lot on these weddings. Going to appointments and supporting them. I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them. They'll be too busy and removed to care. Their weddings will be years ago so it'll not be as great when I jump into it. 

That is not how it works. That is not how any of this works lol

People do things at their own pace. Just because somebody else has done it, doesnt mean you should do it too at exact time. Its important that you find somebody who suits you to spend your life with him. Whether its in your 20s, 30s or 40s, that doesn't matter. Your mindset where everything needs to be done at certain time, its pretty bad for you. Its what leads to a lot of broken marriages later. Because I know a lot of cases where they did it just to have somebody. Or just to have kids. It never ends up pretty.

Also, again, notion that your wedding wont mean much to your friends is just silly. That really doesnt depend on what stage they were married. They will still be happy for you if they were real friends. Cheer up and enjoy the wedding. Hey, maybe there is some guy there that will like you. Think a bit positive for a change.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Also, weddings are joyous as you are planning a union of love. You get to express to everyone you know that you found a person you connect with so well. And plan this event that represents both of you.  That just seems so romantic and fun. Planning the ideal beautiful party that is you as a couple. 

Well, first you need a date, then a BF. That's not going to happen if you are caught up in all this 

Focus on getting your mental and physical health in order first. That means fitness and socializing in settings where men are present.

Let's be honest. Men are not interested in planning Disney weddings.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I figure, by the time I get married, it's going to be old news to my friends. They'll be years out and have babies. My weeding isn't going to mean much to them.

Why do you think so little of your friends? 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 . I sat tonight at my dining table eating alone. I do it a lot, so I'm used to it. But I would have loved to have someone sitting next to me, enjoying a home cooked meal, and chatting about the day. 

 

Pity parties and wedding planning do not attract men. At all.

You're so wrapped up in your Barbie house world. No man just wants to be your little Ken doll on top of your wedding cake.

You are not even trying. You're just day dreaming and catastrophizing. 

[Blue_Skirt]

20 hours ago, Alex39 said:

All the bridesmaids have been talking about meeting. We said maybe we'll go bridesmaids dress shopping. So next Saturday is the planned date. I'm unsure if I should waste my time. I'm not buying a dress at this place, or trying any on. I found a dress I love online and the bride is good with me ordering it. I was just going to go to meet the other girls. My mom thinks it's a huge waste of my time and money, and doesn't think I need to get to know them, because after the one day wedding, we aren't seeing each other again anyway. 

Are these bridesmaids all friends of yours or are there some women you don’t know?

Buy the dress online. If you don’t know them all, meet up with them later for lunch / dinner, so you get a chance to meet them.

If they are all friends of yours, you might simply do something for yourself that day. Say that you have found a lovely dress online, which you are going to order and that you are currently focusing on your health, and that you are going hiking (or other outdoors activity) that day.

I get the impression, but correct me if I am wrong, that you really would like to plan and have your wedding day, which is something else than a marriage.

With respect to baking cookies etc., start looking into alternatives. I have always loved baking and still do, but boy, those empty calories from sugar and white flour are really not good. So rather than baking lots of cakes and cookies (I still make them occasionally and then healthier ones), I have started a couple of years ago to bake my own bread. I use a variety of whole grain flours, and I may add seeds and cut up walnuts. Then with the homemade bread I enjoy making my own sandwiches, with lots of healthy stuff. It’s all about doing something creative in the kitchen.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I disagree, but that's my opinion. Those special moments. I was so overjoyed that my friend found her dress yesterday. Almost cried. I can't wait to find a beautiful dress and have people around me feel that way too. 

But that's being positive about what she will wear at her wedding and wanting people around you to ooh and ahh.  Nothing at all to do with the marriage - it's a special moment related to the wedding day but not the vows and not even related to the groom (yes the groom will ooh and ahh but a groom who loves his bride will ooh and ahh much more inside about how awesome it is to marry her and spend his life with her).

If you are focused on how beautiful you will look and what people around you will think and exclaim that's awesome.  You're entitled to find that exciting and fulfilling and validating.  And it has nothing to do with getting married or wanting to be married.

  I often found myself noticing how a bride and groom looked as far as their glow -and, really, how they looked at each other, what they said about each other (and not in some prepared speech). 

I remember one groom I knew gave a short speech about his bride.  It was focused on her looks.  She was absolutely beautiful (all the time -like a model, she had modeled).  I remember thinking hmmmmmm.  It struck me as way too looks-focused. They were supposedly over the moon.  Divorced about 7 years later.  Two small kids. When I found out about their marital issues -cheating (both of them), maybe some verbal abuse -I remembered that speech (and that I always found him kinda cold).  So she had the gorgeous dress, face and figure.  Beautiful wedding and venue.  Completely unrelated to their marriage and what was in their hearts.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Also, weddings are joyous as you are planning a union of love. You get to express to everyone you know that you found a person you connect with so well. And plan this event that represents both of you.  That just seems so romantic and fun. Planning the ideal beautiful party that is you as a couple. 

No.  The party has nothing to do with the vows. And many wedding represent nothing of the sort.  They represent the bride or the amount of $ her family has (or his) or what she's dreamed of and the groom often just tags along.  It is a romantic and fun party very often and represents nothing to do with the marriage.  And very often it is not ideal. There's a lot of stress, arguments, some families end up with rifts lasting many years.  And you assume all want to express to huge numbers of people how they are feeling.  That's not true either - and many who shout from the rooftops on social media are actually insecure about their relationship and brag to cover it up.  

I personally found the big wedding I planned very stressful (although to be fair I also was having doubts).  Here's what was beautiful and ideal about my wedding.  I joked with my sister right before in the kitchen, and she stood right by me as we took our vows.  She was newly divorced but beaming, teary, as he and I took our vows.  I felt beautiful and I was around 30 pounds overweight (all baby weight!!), wearing a simple blue dress and he was in a suit (although he met us at the door that morning in his undershirt LOL). Our parents were over the moon -and often the parents are not over the moon -and our parents adored each other.  I was in my in-laws home where my husband grew up. So special.  We planned it that way partly for practical reasons but also neither of us wanted a big party and we didn't want a long engagement (we were engaged 7 weeks). 

The restaurant where we had lunch was not fancy but it was meaningful -we loved it, we were regulars there.  It was special because we loved each other and were overjoyed to be getting married not because we had now partied with 100 of our friends/acquaintances/parents' friends/family and oohed and ahhed over flowers and centerpieces (yes we had flowers), and danced.  That's totally fun -but it's a party.

For some sure it might be what you described but very often it's just a very expensive hugely fun and romantic party and then tons of photos these days shared on social media and the video that you can show your children (that does seem kind of cool).  I've seen the gamut including my friend whose siblings went MIA on her wedding day over a dumb argument, my friend's best man who was caught hooking up with one bridesmaid and his date walked out (she later married him but they're divorced), and then of course the really fun parties. 

But please don't tell yourself stories about how it has to do with how much the couple loves each other or how they planned the perfect event to "express" their love.  We expressed our love and commitment to each other in front of the religous officiant who married us.  Never occurred to me to need to be validated or have 100 people see me do that as some kind of benefit. The benefit was I got to marry him that day. Huge benefit. We could have afforded to pay for a huge party ourselves and we didn't want it -including for the reasons I wrote above. 

[wealthydior]

Wedding party seems to be the only thing that matters to you right now. Of course you can want it but before this you should want to have someone to have this wedding party first. The important thing is your happiness and it won’t come to you with a wedding party.

[Batya33]

So what would you do if you met a great guy who was marriage-minded but wanted no part in a big wedding reception? Or didn't see it as a good way to spend a lot of $? Or both? Would that be a dealbreaker or a huge disappointment that you wouldn't get your vision of what a wedding party should be?

[Alex39]

On 3/21/2022 at 5:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Well, first you need a date, then a BF. That's not going to happen if you are caught up in all this 

Focus on getting your mental and physical health in order first. That means fitness and socializing in settings where men are present.

Let's be honest. Men are not interested in planning Disney weddings.

1. Disney wedding? Who said anything about that at all?

2. I know the process. I want to meet and date the right man for years before getting married.  I'm not ready to jump in. I know how it works. 

[Alex39]

On 3/21/2022 at 6:29 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Pity parties and wedding planning do not attract men. At all.

You're so wrapped up in your Barbie house world. No man just wants to be your little Ken doll on top of your wedding cake.

You are not even trying. You're just day dreaming and catastrophizing. 

I try every stinking day. I get up, workout, make myself look amazing in the off chance a cute guy shows up at work. I do my job, come home make dinner, and search for fun weekend activities where maybe I could meet someone. 

I try, a lot. Just haven't been lucky where cute, eligible men end up where I am. 

[Alex39]

On 3/21/2022 at 7:12 AM, Batya33 said:

But that's being positive about what she will wear at her wedding and wanting people around you to ooh and ahh.  Nothing at all to do with the marriage - it's a special moment related to the wedding day but not the vows and not even related to the groom (yes the groom will ooh and ahh but a groom who loves his bride will ooh and ahh much more inside about how awesome it is to marry her and spend his life with her).

If you are focused on how beautiful you will look and what people around you will think and exclaim that's awesome.  You're entitled to find that exciting and fulfilling and validating.  And it has nothing to do with getting married or wanting to be married.

  I often found myself noticing how a bride and groom looked as far as their glow -and, really, how they looked at each other, what they said about each other (and not in some prepared speech). 

I remember one groom I knew gave a short speech about his bride.  It was focused on her looks.  She was absolutely beautiful (all the time -like a model, she had modeled).  I remember thinking hmmmmmm.  It struck me as way too looks-focused. They were supposedly over the moon.  Divorced about 7 years later.  Two small kids. When I found out about their marital issues -cheating (both of them), maybe some verbal abuse -I remembered that speech (and that I always found him kinda cold).  So she had the gorgeous dress, face and figure.  Beautiful wedding and venue.  Completely unrelated to their marriage and what was in their hearts.

I want all of that. My cousin just got married and what her husband said for vows to me was not at all appropriate or about love. 

I want someone to truly get to know me for me. My personality, my heart, my mind, my flaws. And accept and love me for it all. And if they think I'm sexy and beautiful,  I'd hope they thought that too. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want all of that. My cousin just got married and what her husband said for vows to me was not at all appropriate or about love. 

I want someone to truly get to know me for me. My personality, my heart, my mind, my flaws. And accept and love me for it all. And if they think I'm sexy and beautiful,  I'd hope they thought that too. 

If you want that then it shouldn't matter whether you have 100 people watching you in a gorgeous dress in a gorgeous venue take your vows (I get wanting your closest friend or family member there, etc not a hired witness lol).  What you say above is a wee bit inconsistent with your focus on the wedding reception in previous posts.  

Maybe your cousin and her husband had sort of an inside joke or understanding about those vows.  We didn't write our own vows.  The vows expressed everything and then some.  It would never have occurred to me to care about what anyone else thought of them.  

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My cousin just got married and what her husband said for vows to me was not at all appropriate or about love.

Well, I suppose it's a good thing those vows weren't for you. 

Maybe try to pass less judgment on others, and you'll worry less about people judging you in return. 

[Alex39]

I've gone through a lot of therapy, working heavily on my relationship with my mother. Now, my mother is a kind, loving, dedicated mother. 

But I didn't realize how much influence she still had over my life, at 30, until a year ago, when I started talking to my therapist. 

I realized that I was putting so much emphasis on what she thought. I wasn't ever thinking for myself. I'd ask her about every aspect of my life, and when I couldn't, I'd think of what she'd want me to do. 

I had no mind of my own. I had no opinion. I was a shell of a person. 

I've made tremendous strides in doing what I want, and having my own voice. I'm still working on this every day, but being myself and having my own thoughts is freeing. I want to forge my own life. Grow my own family. I live in my own house already which is huge. 

I found my mother growing up, she was always so critical of what others would think or how others would see you. 

She doesn't even realize how critical she is. 

"Why did you do that?"

"Why did you say that?"

She always was trying to help me to not look stupid, but in turn it made me afraid to be myself. I never wanted to make a mistake. 

To the point, that as a young teen, I became a shell of a girl, so afraid to be myself and showcase my feelings, afraid to look dumb. That I became agreeable and uninteresting.

I've struggled ever since with relationships with men because I would hide my true feelings. They never were able to get too close. I was always uncomfortable sharing my true feelings to anyone. 

College helped a bit, living away from her. I was forced to make decisions.  But as time has gone on I've fallen back into that mindset with her. Again, therapy has helped tremendously.  I want my own life and I love who I am becoming. I am trying harder to be myself outwardly and not caring what she or anyone thinks. 

I think deep down, the whole wedding thing is a part of this old mindset that my mother instilled in me.  Having the wedding and impressing people is more important than the actual love. Because it's all about what others think. 

I sit here, thinking of true love. And how true love isn't about anyone but me and the right man for me. And how true love isn't a wedding, or a dress, or a bouquet. I want true love. And if it so happens maybe a wedding will go on too. 

But what I truly want is the right man for me who can't picture his life without me. And I him. That's what I truly want. Not just a wedding party. If it's true love, we won't care if we get married on a beach alone. 

I've never let any guy get too close, but I don't want that anymore. I want to let someone in, to share my deepest thoughts and feelings, to forge a real connection.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But I didn't realize how much influence she still had over my life, at 30, until a year ago, when I started talking to my therapist. 

If you have been in therapy for a year, what practical things have you done to detox from your mother?

Talk is fine but actions change things. Think for yourself. Cut the umbilical cord.

For example why not take golf lessons or find yourself in places where men go? It's not baking cookies and sitting on your sofa.

Try not being the tragedy case in a romcom.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Try a paid one in addition to free apps.

For example, try eHarmony or Match for a few months.

Don't focus on getting married and living this black and white TV life. 

June Clever doesn't get dates. Attractive interesting women with more on their minds than weddings do.

Expand your horizons. Why aren't you volunteering? Why aren't you taking classes courses or lessons? Why don't you belong to any groups or clubs?

This is what you need to be asking yourself.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think deep down, the whole wedding thing is a part of this old mindset that my mother instilled in me.  Having the wedding and impressing people is more important than the actual love. Because it's all about what others think. 

And it would be wise to detach from this idea. 

Because the truth is that most of us don't remember the details of weddings we've attended anyway. Yes, we might recall how lovely the couple looked or how well the bride's dad danced. But it's not as though most of us are reflecting on other people's big days for months of years down the line.

You're currently assigning a lot more significance to the party than most of the guests would, when it's not their own wedding. The "oohing" and "aahing" is fleeting and usually finishes when the lights come on and the venue staff starts clearing the dirty glasses.