Rocky road

[Kbtoys]

I’ve been dating a girl about half my age and it has had some challenges we’ve had to overcome.  At the beginning I was all in on the relationship and not sure she was positive about what I was seeking.  Initially we would go on dates to local restaurants and various local hangouts.  We transitioned to traveling together for short 2-3 days trips close to the town.  Eventually things started feeling like we were more comfortable together and moved in together after dating for 2-3 months.  Within the first month she introduced me to her aunts, cousins, and other family members.  

I was hesitant to meet them since it is pretty serious to meet family members and I wanted to just move in to see if we were compatible.  She started moving the relationship faster than I would like and I met her mother and siblings, but wasn’t sure what to think of it as her mother would show me videos of a cousins wedding the past year.  She never mentioned marriage or anything else other than she could see herself spending a long-time with me.  During the time we were living together I had to travel and she did as well.  When we were apart the communication broke down and not sure how people do long-term relationships.  
 

One night while we were out in town she had her phone connected to my car Apple CarPlay.  She had to run into the store to get something and I  did some snooping and found videos and pictures of her hugging and kissing some guy from her hometown.  I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but she said I shouldn’t have checked her phone and they are old photos from the cloud that she recently downloaded due to a new phone.  I’m not a phone expert, but he dates seemed recent.  I took her answers to my questions as her being honest, but I was still confused.  I’ve read dating sites that say you must have trust in the relationship or move on.  So I decided to just trust her responses and went about our relationship.  
 

We have a great connection together and time flies when we are together, but when I go out of town on travel, communication breaks down and she seems to still be in a college girl party phase.  Some nights she says she is going to stay at a friends house and they don’t get home until 6-10am the next day since that is when she decides to call or text me she got home safely.  I question how they can stay out so late since bars usually close shop around 3-4am.  
 

Some nights she gets so wasted she forgets to call or text that she got home safe or some nights she either loses her wallet or phone.  I told her I can’t be in a relationship with someone that wants to act single, but also don’t want to be an insecure and controlling boyfriend as she is younger and may just need to get it out of her system.  Another night we were out on the town and she had to run into the store and I found more photos of another guy she was hugging and kissing.  She claims she was drunk and it was nothing and he was helping her find her phone when she lost it.  I don’t know what to believe as they could be all lies, but I hate to tell someone they are lying when they may be telling the truth.  
 

I told her it will be the last time I will stay up sleepless trying to make sure she makes it home safely as I don’t need the stress in my life.  She admitted she does need to know her limits with alcohol and also she would stop going out if it meant I would stay in her life.  I agreed and just waiting for the next mistake that occurs.  I don’t want to have her stop having fun with her friends, but at the same time I know guys mission when going to bars is to dance and eventually find someone to go home with.  I know from reading dating advice that when you try to control someone’s actions, then it never works out and you should either trust them or leave.
 

My mind always goes straight to the worst scenario which is some guys buying her endless amounts of drinks and eventually taking advantage of her and taking her home.  I have no proof and she always says she swears nothing else happened, but really how many times do you get drunk to the point you can’t recall the events of the evening and early morning.  I would just like to know if I’m being unreasonable or if I should have walked a while ago.  Thanks for reading my dating issues.

[Capricorn3]

21 minutes ago, Kbtoys said:

I would just like to know if  I should have walked a while ago. 

I think you should have walked the minute you knew she was "half your age".  Going by your post, you two are totally incompatible.  You could literally be her father - totally different stages of life and she clearly is young enough to want to stay out and party until all hours of the morning (while you sit at home and worry about her like an anxious parent).

Also, moving in together after only dating 2-3 months is just crazy (imo). You hardly know each other well enough to play house in 2 months.

I highly doubt this incompatible relationship will work out.  Strongly suggest you find someone your own age.

 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

if I should have walked a while ago.

Yes, this. 

It is quite obvious she is playing you for a fool, and is not faithful to you. She's also not at all at the same point in her life as you. Half your age means she is too young for you, OP. And moving in together so quickly was a mistake. Take your time in the future, and get to know someone before taking such a big step. 

It's time to read the writing on the wall and leave her to parties and other guys. This is over already, in all but name. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

I’ve been dating a girl about half my age  and moved in together after dating for 2-3 months.  

Where did she live before? Did she actually move in after 60 Days dating or just hang out at your place to get away from her parents?

You're acting like her dad. Be realistic. Of course she's partying and sleeping with these guys.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're acting like her dad.

This

You are not her dad(even though by age difference you probably cant tell that). You are her boyfriend. You are not her caretaker, if she is getting drunk and sleeping around, that is on her and you should just leave. 

Also, she is taking you for a ride. Living with you while you probably pay for everything and while she can do whatever she wants behind your back, lying when being confronted. You should have wondered why her and her mother are so hesitant in jumpstarting the relationship and marriage.

[smackie9]

You guys are at different stages of life. Of course she's gonna want to go out, have fun, and seem a bit irresponsible BUT, she is an adult. She can do whatever she wants, and she doesn't have to answer to you for her behaviour. You don't like her partying, etc, you end the relationship because you two are too far apart on expectations. It was for a good time but not a long time.

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

I told her it will be the last time I will stay up sleepless trying to make sure she makes it home safely as I don’t need the stress in my life.  She admitted she does need to know her limits with alcohol and also she would stop going out if it meant I would stay in her life.  I agreed and just waiting for the next mistake that occurs.

On the one hand I empathize with you and on the other you’ve already orchestrated this to fail. I think you’ve come from a place of insecurity and tried to make up for it living together too quickly.

You moved her in for the wrong reasons trying to accelerate the relationship in your own way and get to know one another better. Be more honest with yourself. Perhaps it was about control and keeping tabs early on because you’ve been burnt in the past. Go back to the very beginning and ask yourself why you felt it was necessary moving in this early. 

Second I quoted the section above as it appears she picks up on your insecurity or flightiness also. She has to constantly prove herself to you from the start. Her being half your age, the onus is really on you to know better that the likelihood of your lifestyles matching are very slim. Paired with your inherent insecurities, this is a mix for disaster. 

If you truly want to make this work, ask her what she needs from you. Have an open, mature heart to heart about how you see your lives together instead of coming at each other like this. 

[Kbtoys]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

On the one hand I empathize with you and on the other you’ve already orchestrated this to fail. I think you’ve come from a place of insecurity and tried to make up for it living together too quickly.

You moved her in for the wrong reasons trying to accelerate the relationship in your own way and get to know one another better. Be more honest with yourself. Perhaps it was about control and keeping tabs early on because you’ve been burnt in the past. Go back to the very beginning and ask yourself why you felt it was necessary moving in this early. 

Second I quoted the section above as it appears she picks up on your insecurity or flightiness also. She has to constantly prove herself to you from the start. Her being half your age, the onus is really on you to know better that the likelihood of your lifestyles matching are very slim. Paired with your inherent insecurities, this is a mix for disaster. 

If you truly want to make this work, ask her what she needs from you. Have an open, mature heart to heart about how you see your lives together instead of coming at each other like this. 

Wow! Thanks for everyone’s response.  I especially appreciate your response Rose.   We did have a heart to heart a month ago, but still had the party girl issues.  We decided it is best to break it off and she is moving out this week.  The thing that hurts the most is that my insecurities messed up the relationship and probably pushed her away.  She left everything I bought for her and said she still loved me.  Life goes on and thanks for everyone’s response.  I should probably work on myself before pursuing another relationship.  This one lasted 6 months and was so intense.  It was unexpected and felt too good to be true and I actually felt a live again compared to my mundane life.  

[Tanzi]

Don't be so hard on yourself, it was never going to work anyway.  Yes you had trust issues but it doesn't sound as though she was being sincere.  Your snooping, her partying, your insecurities, her photos .... it was all a recipe for disaster.

You jumped in way too soon.  Moving in with someone to see whether you are compatible is not the right reason to do so.  You are clearly at different stages in life.

She was NOT ready.  You were TOO ready.

[Rose Mosse]

17 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

Wow! Thanks for everyone’s response.  I especially appreciate your response Rose.   We did have a heart to heart a month ago, but still had the party girl issues.  We decided it is best to break it off and she is moving out this week.  The thing that hurts the most is that my insecurities messed up the relationship and probably pushed her away.  She left everything I bought for her and said she still loved me.  Life goes on and thanks for everyone’s response.  I should probably work on myself before pursuing another relationship.  This one lasted 6 months and was so intense.  It was unexpected and felt too good to be true and I actually felt a live again compared to my mundane life.  

I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t like hearing people broke up. Life does go on. In future you’ll be better prepared. Keep posting on the forum. We’d like to hear what you think in the other threads also. I hope her moving goes smoothly. 

[Kbtoys]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t like hearing people broke up. Life does go on. In future you’ll be better prepared. Keep posting on the forum. We’d like to hear what you think in the other threads also. I hope her moving goes smoothly. 

Well last night she called me after she spent some time thinking/drinking over a bottle of wine.  She apologized for her actions and wants to continue the relationship.  So odd how things work, but we both agreed that it was more difficult being apart than being together and she doesn’t want to be without me in her life.

I also agree with many posters that we are probably at different stages in our lives.  She was the one that initiated everything and told me she wants to spend a “long-time” with me.  I never spoke of any marriage.  I told her she should enjoy life and figure out if this relationship is what she truly wants and I wouldn’t be upset.  She always says she loves and wants to be with me.  So for now I will have to shelf my insecurities and focus on how she treats me which is great.  Thanks everyone!

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, Kbtoys said:

Well last night she called me after she spent some time thinking/drinking over a bottle of wine.  She apologized for her actions and wants to continue the relationship.  So odd how things work, but we both agreed that it was more difficult being apart than being together and she doesn’t want to be without me in her life.

I also agree with many posters that we are probably at different stages in our lives.  She was the one that initiated everything and told me she wants to spend a “long-time” with me.  I never spoke of any marriage.  I told her she should enjoy life and figure out if this relationship is what she truly wants and I wouldn’t be upset.  She always says she loves and wants to be with me.  So for now I will have to shelf my insecurities and focus on how she treats me which is great.  Thanks everyone!

So now you're completely fine with her going out every weekend drinking until morning and posing for and posting pics with other men? Or has she promised to stop those behaviors?

Side note, do you pay the rent or mortgage and all household expenses? Do you pay for her cell phone, car and car insurance?

[Tanzi]

Hmm, I’m not sure anything has changed here. You’re just going to continue on as you already were. 

You said she treats you great yet you weren’t at all happy and have zero trust in her (which iseems to be justified btw).

I think you aren’t ready to face the reality here and are just burying your head in the sand. 
 

[Kbtoys]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So now you're completely fine with her going out every weekend drinking until morning and posing for and posting pics with other men? Or has she promised to stop those behaviors?

Side note, do you pay the rent or mortgage and all household expenses? Do you pay for her cell phone, car and car insurance?

It seems to happen once a month, but yeah I told her I’m done if it happens again.  She “promises” to change as she knows she needs to focus on more productive activities and can’t imagine living a life without me.  It is kind of troubling to hear her say she can’t imagine living without me in her life.  I do pay the rent and household expenses and she pays for her other expenses.  Time will tell, but I’m an optimist or wouldn’t waste more time with the relationship.  

[MissCanuck]

On 2/21/2022 at 9:44 PM, Kbtoys said:

This one lasted 6 months and was so intense.

This was only 6 months?

Why was she already living with you?

Oh, OP. Let her go for good. It's a disaster and I bet she is calling not because she is still in love with you but wants your roof over her head again. She has a very easy ride with you.

You need to wake up, man. 

 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Kbtoys said:

It seems to happen once a month, but yeah I told her I’m done if it happens again.  She “promises” to change as she knows she needs to focus on more productive activities and can’t imagine living a life without me.  It is kind of troubling to hear her say she can’t imagine living without me in her life.  I do pay the rent and household expenses and she pays for her other expenses.  Time will tell, but I’m an optimist or wouldn’t waste more time with the relationship.  

It's more like you adopted an unruly child. You're acting like dad lecturing her and expecting her to "behave" like a good little girl.

This is not a partnership. Yes you have sex and turn a blind eye to her partying and having sex with men her age, but you're not going to change her or make her grow up and be your age.

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, Kbtoys said:

 I do pay the rent and household expenses

And there's your answer. She "loves" your bank account. She "loves" the free place to live. She "loves" not having to pay any household expenses. Any money she has she gets to spend on herself, partying and whatever else she wants to buy for herself.

I presume you think it's worth it to be able to have such a young, attractive girlfriend. Even if she enjoys the company (and perhaps more) of other men when you're not around.

Think of it as a business deal, then. An exchange of money in the form of free housing for her to provide companionship when you're not traveling for work.