Got back together briefly then broke up again, is there hope? When to contact?

[CatOctave]

My ex broke up with me late December. I have some mental issues (anxiety, depression, cptsd) that have been taking a toll on him and the relationship. And while he still loves me, the relationship was unsustainable for him at the moment, which I understand and respect completely. In addition to this, he's realized that he has a lot to work on himself about too and feels like he needs some time after getting in a relationship (with anyone, not necessarily me) again. After the breakup, we went no contact for both of our sakes in terms of healing. However, we decided to meet up a bit more than a week later just to exchange some items...

The apart week was pretty rough on me, but I was able to manage and spend time with friends, work on hobbies, run errands, etc. I got pretty at terms with the situation and respected and understood his decision. If anything, I eventually felt rather calm. He on the other hand was having an especially tough time. Once we met up, we chatted, and he admitted that he regretted his decision every day and asked if I'd take him back. He said he felt like the logic of his reasoning for the first break up wasn't very sound. I spent time talking to him, asking if he was just feeling this way because break ups are difficult (this is his first serious relationship, we had been together for almost a year). He said that I made him happy and that he loved me and loved spending time with me. 

Eventually it got to the point where we were cuddling and kissing again. And I will admit, it felt really nice. I really wanted to believe that we'd be together, but deep down I did feel like he maybe didn't know what he needed or wanted in the moment. I still went on with it, possibly out of denial. The next day, we parted ways and decided we'd take a few days to think about boundaries and figure out where we're at. We spent this time apart texting each other, and I again felt like everything might work out. I wrote a list of boundaries on how our relationship together might move forward. I saw a path forward.

However, when we met up to talk about the situation, he eventually decided that we should fully break up again. It took a while and lots of talking to get to that point. Tears were shed. It ended up being somewhat mutual, however deep down I do wish and feel like we could have worked through the issues in our relationship together instead of apart. But I understand, he needs time and space to grow and figure himself out and develop friendships instead of being so reliant on me and the relationship. We parted, saying how much we'd miss each other, we have not spoken since. 

We both have been non-contact for almost three weeks now. This break up has been a lot more rough on me than the first. I'm now stuck with this feeling of hope that we might get back together again soon that I didn't have the first time. As time has passed, it has gotten easier and I've been trying to focus on myself, but I can't help but wonder and wish that the relationship really might be able to work out. I feel like I wasn't able to get all of my feelings out and wish we could talk about the potential for our future again. But I do love and respect him, so I want to give him the time and space he deserves. I told him I wasn't going to reach out to him again, and that he could speak to me when he feels healed/comfortable to, if he would like to. He's not totally ignoring my presence, he's been looking at my social media posts, but of course he hasn't reached out or anything. 

I want to keep my word and say that I won't reach out to him unless he contacts me first, but I feel like that may be a difficult promise to keep. I feel like we have a lot of potential together. Though I suppose if it's meant to be, it will be? I don't think I am ready to reach out yet, but if I get to a point where I am able to think a bit more objectively about the relationship, I feel like I might want to. I feel like I didn't get enough of a chance to express my feelings or fully understand his, which is leaving me wondering. A friend has told me that he's still struggling a lot, but that he ultimately feels like this is the right decision for him. I wish I could be there for him. We didn't break up because of any major incompatibility, which has just left me fixated on this though about the future. I've spent a lot less time thinking about it, but it is a thought that still crops back up. Is there hope? Should I even be thinking about it even if there is hope? 

I know every relationship is different, but is there a general timeline for things like this? Reaching out weeks, months, years later? Thank you.

[boltnrun]

What treatment are you receiving for your anxiety, depression and cptsd?

I presume since you love this man you also respect him. In that case you have to respect his decision to break up. I also presume when you give your word about something it's important for your sense of integrity to follow through. Which means if you told him you wouldn't contact him you need to stick to it.

As you wrote, breakups are difficult. You're currently in the denial/bargaining stage of grief which is completely normal. But that doesn't mean you should contact him or that reconciliation is the right answer.

Give yourself some time to do what you did before: staying active, seeing friends, working on hobbies, etc. That method worked before and with time it will work again. And stay no contact and resist looking at his social media. Unfriend him, preferably (no, you don't need to contact him to "explain" why you're unfriending him, he will understand why). And stop asking friends about him. That's not helpful. If they bring him up, politely let them know you'd prefer not to hear anything about him.

You will be fine. Make sure you're seeing a professional about your mental health issues so those can be resolved before your next relationship, no matter who it might be with.

[CatOctave]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What treatment are you receiving for your anxiety, depression and cptsd?

You will be fine. Make sure you're seeing a professional about your mental health issues so those can be resolved before your next relationship, no matter who it might be with.

I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for my issues and have been for a majority of my relationship with my ex. I happened to have a really tumultuous string of weeks near the end of our relationship where I was in a really bad place mentally despite being treated.

Lately I believe I'm on the right meds and am doing way better/am a lot more functional, especially considering the current circumstances. 

[MissCanuck]

Unforuantely, I can't say I know of any couples who were successful on their third attempt at a relationship.

This is the point at which it's better to acknowledge that it didn't work out, so you can make peace with that and begin moving on. It hurts and it will take time, but if he saw the same potential you did, you wouldn't have two break-ups under your belts now. 

It would be best to remove him from your social media as well, so that you're not tempted to see if he's looking at your posts. 

[Andrina]

5 minutes ago, CatOctave said:

I happened to have a really tumultuous string of weeks near the end of our relationship where I was in a really bad place mentally despite being treated.

Then if this was only a period of weeks where your behavior changed, after a whole year together, if he really cared, he would've stuck around to see if this period would pass, as you believe it did. Either that or he didn't earlier voice his observations of you, taking into consideration the entirety of your relationship, whereas you might've thought things were okay but he had reservations.

Recent behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. He dumped you when the going got rough, and he'd likely repeat that behavior when the newness of a reestablished relationship wore off if you two got back together.

The advice other posters gave is spot on. Remove him from social media and concentrate on continuing treatment for your mental health. Best to have closure from someone who chose to no longer be in your life, knowing breaking up usually means forever. He was okay with that. Time for you to take steps to emotionally move on.

[CatOctave]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Unforuantely, I can't say I know of any couples who were successful on their third attempt at a relationship.

This is the point at which it's better to acknowledge that it didn't work out, so you can make peace with that and begin moving on. It hurts and it will take time, but if he saw the same potential you did, you wouldn't have two break-ups under your belts now. 

It would be best to remove him from your social media as well, so that you're not tempted to see if he's looking at your posts. 

I don't really know how much I consider the first reconciliation as a "true" relationship attempt, though that could just be me being hopeful. It practically lasted 3 days and was more so him acting on impulse after feeling some really heavy emotions after the initial breakup. But I certainly see how this looks. My feelings are probably muddying up my view of the situation. 

Getting back together for that brief period really messed with my emotions...

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, CatOctave said:

He said he felt like the logic of his reasoning for the first break up wasn't very sound.. I wrote a list of boundaries on how our relationship together might move forward.

What was the real reason for the breakup? Because his faux reconciliation  seems to be about hooking up only to dump and hurt you again. 

How old is he? He seems quite immature and selfish. Don't accept on/off relationships, especially with someone who blames you for it's demise only to play you like a yo-yo. 

Delete and block him from All your social media and messaging apps. Your mental health will suffer if you keep going back for more of his nonsense. 

 Focus on your physical and mental wellbeing, your friends, family, interests, hobbies, school, work, volunteering, finances and health and fitness.

Improve your life and realize you dodged a bullet and the dark ages with him are finally over. Not all men take advantage of people's mental frailties and use it against them. 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, CatOctave said:

Getting back together for that brief period really messed with my emotions...

So now you know a third attempt would be even worse.

The attempted reconciliation is the cause of your current upset, not the solution to it.

Good for you for proactively working on improving your mental health. The next best step would be to remove him from any and all social media platforms so you can't try to interpret what he's doing (or not doing). And ask your friends not to give you any info or intel about him.

[CatOctave]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Then if this was only a period of weeks where your behavior changed, after a whole year together, if he really cared, he would've stuck around to see if this period would pass, as you believe it did. Either that or he didn't earlier voice his observations of you, taking into consideration the entirety of your relationship, whereas you might've thought things were okay but he had reservations.

He did voice his concern and ability to handle my moods during that period, though we were able to work through it. He began seeing a therapist himself. I found him to be a really supportive partner. He's seen me grow a lot through the duration of the relationship, and ultimately was around to see me on the upswing in terms of my mental health. Ultimately, it was some conversations with family and friends in addition to a week or so apart while I was away on vacation with reflection that made him realize that a relationship wasn't in the cards at the moment. He hasn't denied the possibility of reconciliation in the future, and we ultimately decided not to go on a "break" so that he wouldn't feel the urge to work on and improve himself only for the sake of getting back in a relationship with me. I really do trust that he was honest about this. Which is why I guess I'm so stuck on this. 

He wasn't the best at communicating his feelings during the relationship, I will admit. Though I hoped that might be something we could work on the second time around. We're both pretty young (early-mid 20s) and are still learning a lot about relationships/ourselves. 

I definitely do see my denial/bargaining showing haha...

[CatOctave]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the real reason for the breakup? Because his faux reconciliation  seems to be about hooking up only to dump and hurt you again. 

How old is he? He seems quite immature and selfish. Don't accept on/off relationships, especially with someone who blames you for it's demise only to play you like a yo-yo. 

At least the second time around, he made it seem like it was due to an over-dependence on me for emotional support (which I disagree with--I feel like I was supporting him to the appropriate bounds of a romantic relationship). The first time, it was more tied to him worried he was having to hide aspects of himself/his life in order to avoid triggering/hurting me, and in return him feeling like I was hiding my pain from him. These were all things I was working on and have improved upon greatly, but I understand that it still may have been too much for him. 

I feel like the reconciliation was more due to his lack of experience and misinterpretation of his feelings. He used getting back together as a quick fix for the loneliness he was feeling. He admitted that he regretted it very much and was very apologetic. I will admit that the first break up did seem to be a lot about me. But he fessed up to his faults the second time around in a way that I feel is genuine. I recognize that I am probably blinded by my love for him, but I just can't see myself getting mad at him for what he did. 

[CatOctave]

Thank you all for the suggestions and help... I think I have a lot more processing to do. And need a lot more time away from him and reminders of him. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, CatOctave said:

A friend has told me that he's still struggling a lot, but that he ultimately feels like this is the right decision for him. I wish I could be there for him. We didn't break up because of any major incompatibility, which has just left me fixated on this though about the future. I've spent a lot less time thinking about it, but it is a thought that still crops back up. Is there hope? Should I even be thinking about it even if there is hope? 

Please please do not gossip to people who know him - you will get a ton of mixed messages or, worse, treat them like mixed messages. If he wanted to be with you he would. To me it's pretty simple -I stopped when you wrote "I wrote a list of boundaries on how our relationship together might move forward. I saw a path forward."

I promise you - unless this sort of thinking and action comes from a professional therapist who is seeing you as a couple -a couple who is married or like married and the therapist believes this is a good way to assess what to do - I promise you (having married my ex fiancee 11 years and one month after our cancelled wedding) that it's not that hard and if it is that hard it's a strong sign that it's not meant to be right now. 

If you have to list "boundaries" and tell yourself you see a "path forward" you're describing, perhaps, a situation where you're trying to decide whether to go into business with someone or to pursue a new career - it's wayyyy too complicated  for a romantic relationship and tells me that you two are not a good match right now and should move on.  When it works you don't need psychospeak and 100 dollar words because it's like when you feel at home with someone but with that essential passion and chemistry.  It's that simple (hard to find for many people -like me back then- but that simple.  

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, CatOctave said:

I'm seeing a therapist and psychiatrist for my issues and have been for a majority of my relationship with my ex. I happened to have a really tumultuous string of weeks near the end of our relationship where I was in a really bad place mentally despite being treated.

Lately I believe I'm on the right meds and am doing way better/am a lot more functional, especially considering the current circumstances. 

That's good!  But, I feel the damage has been done..sorry 😕 

No, the getting back together would not work out..again, because whatever caused your BU was not 'fixed'.

I feel is best for you BOTH to be on your own for a good amt of time to work on yourselves.  When involved, it can take a lot out of you with expectations, communication, and your energy.  Sounds like there were some problems in areas.

So, yes, you be respectful and leave him be now... and try to turn your focus onto yourself ( once you feel able and stress lessens a little..).

As for YOUR mental health, the worst thing to keep doing is following what your 'ex' is doing... agreeing to be a 'friend' etc.. Is no good for you.. just drags on the ability to work on accepting/healing etc.  Is best to just cut it clean and work on letting go.  You can't if you're constantly focusing on them.

Give it all some time.. be easy on yourself and focus on your down time and 'self'.  It's best... keep on with your therapy etc and hopefully, in time you will start to feel somewhat better.  And able to function a little better next time.

 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, CatOctave said:

I don't really know how much I consider the first reconciliation as a "true" relationship attempt, though that could just be me being hopeful. It practically lasted 3 days and was more so him acting on impulse after feeling some really heavy emotions after the initial breakup

Then there's even less here to work with. 

It sounds like he made a mistake not in breaking up, but in coming back for a few days and giving you false hope. 

You will be okay, but it's going to serve you better to accept that this just didn't work out and you can part ways with your head held high.