I Cheated on my wife with a girl that used to abuse me

[White_Random]

4 years ago i had a friendship - pretty close - with a girl i met while studying; she was a nuisance in my life, but at the same time she was someone sweet. I don't know when attraction becomes obsession, but she stalked me, acted protectively with me, gave me good advices and conversations, but at the same time she was an arrogant person with a lot of prejudices. She was a perfect definition of "I love you, I am superior to everyone, love me.", and it irritated and annoyed friends close to me. 

I realized how bad my situation was in the day she asked for sex with me, and i refused, because even tough i finded her a bit hot, i was afraid. I am not a strong man - physically and psychologically - and i always wanted to only get in a relationship with someone that i truly love, but, she didn't get it too well, she harassed me and did many attitudes that make me uncomfortable, this continued for a long time, even at times she lightly attacked me, perhaps as a way of taking out an anger, but always saying sorry after. She was the most toxic girl i've ever met, but, deep down, I lost myself in those green eyes... I felt a deep attraction, even though i rejected her, i kept thinking about her smell, the way her presence was menacing and protective at the same time, i know she wasn't good, that i didn't want it, but i remember the times she kissed me, and it kept on my memories. Months after i stopped seeing her, lots of thoughts of regret came to me and just thinking about her body became a pleasure, sadly, i noticed how bad i wanted her, which made no sense when i remembered the way she treated me.

A year ago i married with whom i believed was the perfect women for me, and we both want future together, she is sweet and perfect in everything, a good person for everyone, i know i have a relationship now, but, well... that other was still in my city, even that i didn't had her contact, we saw each other in public 1 week ago, we talked for hours and her acting was just like in the past, i also noticed because the way she slightly flirted with me, even after i said i was married now, she gave me her number. I didn't tell my wife about it, we went texting for days, until 1 day ago when she invited me to her house, and i'm the biggest *** in the world, but i accepted, i couldn't get her out of my head, i never felt like that. I went there and it was the best sex i had in my life, i've never feel so good. But now i think to what i have done to my wife, especially with someone that did bad things to me, i don't know why it happens but it feels so good, it's kind as if i don't regret...

[Seraphim]

You need to tell your wife and let her decide if she wants to be with you and for the sake of her own physical and mental health. 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, White_Random said:

But now i think to what i have done to my wife, especially with someone that did bad things to me, i don't know why it happens but it feels so good, it's kind as if i don't regret...

Probably because it's still a secret and thus you haven't had any consquences yet. 

[White_Random]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You need to tell your wife and let her decide if she wants to be with you and for the sake of her own physical and mental health. 

I know. Right know i can't even stand looking at her eyes, i feel that i don't deserve, i want to start talking but she knows who that girl is, so how tf will i say that i did it with someone like that?

[greenfox4]

You need to cut this girl out of your life for good. She is clearly no good for you, and will destroy you if you're not careful.

The initial mistake you made was even entertaining the idea by texting her, you should of outright refused her number for the sake of your marriage. 

I think you need to be honest with your wife for sake of your own conscience, even if it means potentially losing her. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, White_Random said:

I know. Right know i can't even stand looking at her eyes, i feel that i don't deserve, i want to start talking but she knows who that girl is, so how tf will i say that i did it with someone like that?

I cheated on you with……. . It is a statement . Actions have consequences. 

[Lambert]

You have a lot of work to do on yourself. 

What you describe about your weaknesses, the other woman's strength over you are all Bs & just excuses for cheating on your wife. 

I think you owe the truth to your wife.  And if you don't regret it, then leave your wife. What you're doing is wrong. 

 

[Kwothe28]

50 minutes ago, White_Random said:

i noticed how bad i wanted her, which made no sense when i remembered the way she treated me

Its not that unusual for the abuse person to return to abuser. Abuser is the one that holds power. Abusee is the one that bends to that. In your case I would say its probably sexual attraction power. In other words, you got used to her "toxicity". So you get attracted and gravitate to that. 

As such, you are in no position to be in an actual stable relationship. You should have worked on yourself, forgot what happened and never even think about that person again. Instead you jumped into marriage with somebody. So the issues stayed there.

So yes, you should tell your wife first. Because you involved her into that mess now, not just yourself. And see if she forgives you and if you can work things out. And then go to extensive therapy. Because, again, you didnt work on that part and that is what that brought you here. 

Though by this

1 hour ago, White_Random said:

but it feels so good, it's kind as if i don't regret

I dont really think you are ready to put that work there. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, White_Random said:

A year ago i married. 1 day ago when she invited me to her house. I went there and it was the best sex i had in my life

Talk to an attorney about getting your marriage annulled. When you wife finds out it could be an expensive divorce.

[boltnrun]

Tell your wife. She may or may not want to work on forgiving you. But you must tell her.

Then explore why you are sexually attracted to being abused. I understand, it's definitely a thing, but if that's your jam that's fine. You can continue with this abusive woman...but you must divorce your wife first.

[SooSad33]

Kind of regretful, I'm sure.. because sex doesn't make a relationship, it's just 'fun'. And I'm thinking you were just curious about it all with her because that's something you never did.

But, married and all, now you do?

And to add to all of this, she may just kick back up to the way she was back then and then some!

She may harass you and get under your skin again... I wish you had thought on this a little more and NOT given in to her.

Yeah, I think the wife should be told - For some reason, I feel this evil woman will, if you don't. 😕 

 

[smackie9]

You just opened Pandora's box. This woman will tell your wife if you don't give her what she wants...control over you.

BTW she's a psycho-narcissist. Dangerous.  She knows the sex is good, she has worked on this craft diligently to use it as a tool to manipulate/control. You were targeted for sure, because you are weak. She's a predator. She knows and loves the fact she's ruined your life and your marriage. It makes her feel superior. Feeds her ego. 

 

[catfeeder]

This powerless victim spiel is just the lie you enjoy telling yourself.

You're a grown man.

Now you've set yourself up for blackmail, so you'd be wise to get out in front of that by being honest with your wife.

She's going to find out from what's-her-name anyway.