Colleague romance

[moldypeach]

Hello all,

I'll try and keep it short.

About a year ago (11/2020) I met this new colleague and as soon as we saw each other, there was something there. Even couple of days after we met, she already started texting me and inviting me for a coffee, even on the weekend, not just coffee breaks at work. Not every day/weekend, but quite often. And during our conversations, it was obvious that we liked each other and that we liked each other. She was married and has one child, but her marriage was not in a good state and it was only a matter of time before they divorced each other. I found about it sometimes during 4/2021 when we went out for few drinks with her friend, and she had a bit too much. She also admited that she was jelous if i was talkin to other girl colleagues and well... basically that she liked me more than just a colleage/friend.

After that, we continued hanging out and texting/talking as much as we could. During whole spring and summer, but we never did anythin more than that coz she was still married (it was during that time she was talkin about it with her husband but they never had a 100% decision on it). Sometimes during 10/2021, she and her husband finally decided that they were gonna get divorced. it was only after that, that we started taking our relationship a step further.

First romantic hug, first kiss, talking about our feelings and how we like spending time with each other and that were both falling in love etc. She was still married, but this time they decided 100% they were gonna split up.

The romantic part of our relationship didnt really last long. It was only after 3 weeks or so, that she decided she doesnt want to continue the romantic relationship with me. The reasons behind it were some "stupid stuff" I did in those 3 weeks (it was only 2-3 thing I did that could be held against a partner, but definitely NOT a reason to split up, and definitely NOT a reason to split after spending almost whole year "together").

Next few days I tried to convince her that her reasoning is "dumb" and that shes rushing in her decision, but alas, I was not able to. So I gave up. During those few days, she already started seeing some other guy. But after few more days we met for coffee and she said she dumped the guy, and that she doesnt want to be with anyone right now coz shes undergoing the divorce, and she needs to set up her life first before trying any new romantic relationships. To be honest, I do understand, and thats a smart decision.

Problem is.... after almost a year of us hanging out, we DID start something more, which ended as described above. Now she wants us to go back as it was before, but I just cant do it, coz I have feelings for her. Strong feelings that are more than friendship. I want her back (even tho I know its better for her not to try again with me, or with anyone).

What is the best thing to do in a situation like this? What would you do?

[boltnrun]

I would not only back off but I wouldn't even bother with her anymore.

She is the type of woman who lines up her replacement man before she even tells her husband she wants a divorce (that's an affair, BTW) and then once she's comfortable and doesn't need you as a distraction or source of attention she tosses you in the can.

Nope, not a quality woman at all.

Remember, if you did get into a relationship with her she'll do you the same way she did her husband.

[lostandhurt]

She used you.

You were used as an emotional bandage during her trouble at home and then she used you as a safety net once the divorce became real.  BTW you are only getting her side of the story and I would bet good money if you talked to her husband the real truth will be way different.

 Leave her alone so she can emotionally and legally end her marriage, get her life sorted out as a single parent and then and only then think about dating. 

  You were taken for a ride, used up and cast aside.  She was never yours and she is STILL MARRIED so stay as far away as possible from her and get back to reality and dating women that are single and emotionally available. 

Lost

[Rose Mosse]

Keep things cordial and professional only. She might have found your need to disprove her or change her mind immature. You’re hurt and your ego is bruised because she broke it off but you know deep down this would never have worked. She’s entitled to her reasons. 

Also, when someone tells you their decision or shows you what they are or what their choices are, listen carefully. Adjust yourself accordingly instead of telling yourself the same thing “But I have feelings for her..” Let that subside and occupy yourself doing other things. 

Limit your time contacting her or having anything to do with her. This includes changing your behaviours on social media or the way you used to interact outside of work. 

[catfeeder]

The problem with setting yourself up as a rebound is that you'll most likely end up discarded as a rebound.

You don't need someone else to tell you this. You have a calendar, and if someone's breakup of a long term relationship or worse, a marriage, is within a year on the thing, don't mess with that.

Head high, we all learn from living.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, moldypeach said:

What is the best thing to do in a situation like this? 

Run like hell. She's a cheater and drama queen.

Not to mention, the office flirt slobbering about her "bad marriage".

Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. 

Be professional at work, that's it. She's bad news.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single women you don't work with for a low-key coffee ☕.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, moldypeach said:

What is the best thing to do in a situation like this?

Move on and learn from your mistakes. You fell into the classic cheater's pattern:

1. you think what you're feeling special
2. at least one person is unhappy in their relationship (often the 'victim,' but not always),
3. the "special love" and the shoddy state of the relationship(s) justify infidelity

Literally every time I see someone post about infidelity on here, it's the same exact thing: special and justified. So, it is a very easy thing to learn to avoid. I know you will do it!!

[moldypeach]

Thank you all for your replies! Much appreciated!

Just to mention that her marriage was bad from the start. All 5 years of it were forced and her husbend and she never really got along and only reason why they got married was becoz she was pregnant. They were talking about divorce even before we met. So, during the time we spent together only cheating that was going on was the emotional one. It was only after they decided 100% to go along with the divorce that we started the physical relationship. Kinnda feel that was important to be said.

I even met her husband (coz of some work stuff), and we actually hit it off, and we're probably gonna be communicating a lot, workwise and even like friends. (yea, I know, sounds weird as hell). Even he said, it just didnt go well between them, and he said he likes me and that I would probably be a good fit for her. (yea, its gettin weirder).

I dont feel like it was a rebound thing like someone mentioned, or a classical cheating. It's more like we both tried something more in a very bad point in time, where both of us werent ready for it, but we both like each (way more than just friends. Emotional and physical attraction, it was all there.). She just has a lot on her mind with all the divorce stuff (she texted me 2 days ago askin how I was and saying that shes too scared of it and scared of what future holds and her life is gonna be). And I also had a lot on my mind (workstuff, and loss of a parent last year).

But, as I can see, the best thing would be just to back off, and not accept going back to the "friendship" phase. Cut off every contact with her, apart from workstuff.

Coz as I said, I do know the best thing for her is to take some time and settle her life after her husband moves out, and how shes gonna take care of her son and see how it all pans out. Last thing she needs is to think about other men.

 

PS

I also wanted to emphasize that we didnt meet in a club or something, and dated for a week or 2, (oz than I wouldnt mind anythin that was happening with us), we started all this almost a year ago. And thats why I asked for advice here, and for opinions.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, moldypeach said:

Just to mention that her marriage was bad from the start

And you know that because you spend some time with them from the start of marriage? 

What I am trying to say is that you dont know that. You know exactly what she told you. And cheaters always say how their marriage is bad and they want to get out. 

So she found a replacement and moved on. And then you wondered why she broke up with you for stupid reasons as soon as she found the replacement for you.

Do you even see a pattern there or do I need to explain further? You got caught in the mess that would ended up eventually in exact fashion it ended now. Because that is her MO. Find a guy, get bored, move to another. Count yourself lucky that it didnt progress further with somebody like that. You maybe dont see it now, but in time you will see how collosal mistake this whole ordeal was. 

[smackie9]

You were her REBOUND. Sorry but you got sucked in.

[boltnrun]

She would do the same thing to you. Find some new guy, complain how your relationship with her was "bad from the start", tell him you two are breaking up soon, and start something with him. All behind your back. 

You have a clear view of your future if you choose to pursue her.

I hope you do stick to staying away from personal involvement with her. She's bad news.

 

[moldypeach]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

And you know that because you spend some time with them from the start of marriage? 

What I am trying to say is that you dont know that. You know exactly what she told you. And cheaters always say how their marriage is bad and they want to get out. 

So she found a replacement and moved on. And then you wondered why she broke up with you for stupid reasons as soon as she found the replacement for you.

Do you even see a pattern there or do I need to explain further? You got caught in the mess that would ended up eventually in exact fashion it ended now. Because that is her MO. Find a guy, get bored, move to another. Count yourself lucky that it didnt progress further with somebody like that. You maybe dont see it now, but in time you will see how collosal mistake this whole ordeal was. 

Well he said something similar to me as well. They got married coz she was pregnant. Parents forced her into marriage and she was depresed for years. Hes also happy coz they gettin divorced and already has a new girlfriend.

Its not a story shes sellin me, shes tellin how it was. But its not relevat to what I was telryin to ask.

I see her switching to the other dude after me (whom she dumped after a week) more like her confusion now that she knows shes "free". She wants a guy that fits her ideal partner perfectly from A to Z so even slight deviation made her go away. Shes not a cheating type that switches guys around.

Shes just confused and divorce is actually scaring her quite a lot at this point. She was tryin to find confort in me just 2 days ago when she texted me.

But one thing is definitely sure, we both loved spending time with each other and it felt good.

But none of it is actually important for my question coz the answer is basically always the same.

*Dont go back to being friends.*

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, moldypeach said:

*Dont go back to being friends.*

Exactly. Unless she is paying you $250/hr to listen to her drivel about her divorce her "bad marriage", etc.  you're wasting your time on the office run-around. Do not associate with her. In the future: Married = no-fly zone.

[Jibralta]

54 minutes ago, moldypeach said:

I see her switching to the other dude after me (whom she dumped after a week) more like her confusion now that she knows shes "free". She wants a guy that fits her ideal partner perfectly from A to Z so even slight deviation made her go away. Shes not a cheating type that switches guys around.

I think you're fooling yourself. She may not be quite as 'confused' and you think she is.

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, moldypeach said:

But, as I can see, the best thing would be just to back off, and not accept going back to the "friendship" phase. Cut off every contact with her, apart from workstuff.

Yes, do this. Leave that anger and frustration with this behind. The situation wasn't ideal and it wasn't going to last. 

What matters going forward is what you do, not what she does. 

[Andrina]

Her bad marriage doesn't ethically give you a free pass to enter an emotional affair. If something is unethical and unhealthy, it's like believing the Rumpelstiltskin story that you can spin gold from straw. Something good coming out of something bad is never going to happen.

If she was a mature, together lady, she wouldn't have started another relationship before ending her main one. And emotional affairs can be just as harmful as physical ones. If you wouldn't want their spouse to be a fly on the wall, and privy to what you two said, then it's plain wrong. As long as you don't see what you did is wrong and hold hope she will one day be ready to give her heart fully to you, you'll be bound to repeat the same pattern. Your strong feelings for her makes you see her in a false positive light. We as impartial observers see her without rose-colored glasses, so really listen to this advice which will go against your your faulty instincts.

[moldypeach]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Her bad marriage doesn't ethically give you a free pass to enter an emotional affair. If something is unethical and unhealthy, it's like believing the Rumpelstiltskin story that you can spin gold from straw. Something good coming out of something bad is never going to happen.

If she was a mature, together lady, she wouldn't have started another relationship before ending her main one. And emotional affairs can be just as harmful as physical ones. If you wouldn't want their spouse to be a fly on the wall, and privy to what you two said, then it's plain wrong. As long as you don't see what you did is wrong and hold hope she will one day be ready to give her heart fully to you, you'll be bound to repeat the same pattern. Your strong feelings for her makes you see her in a false positive light. We as impartial observers see her without rose-colored glasses, so really listen to this advice which will go against your your faulty instincts.

Thanks for reply.

I do know that what I did was very wrong and unethical. And I dont expect her to change her mind, I know she wont, and I wont ask for it. Even if she would, I wouldnt accept to try again/continue what we had. She needs to get her some parts of her life in order first.

Question is should I accept being friends (coffee, calls and texts and other stuff outside of work)?

Think the answer was there even before I posted anything

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, moldypeach said:

Question is should I accept being friends (coffee, calls and texts and other stuff outside of work)?

Think the answer was there even before I posted anything

Yeah.... No.

Be polite, but decline her invites. 

[boltnrun]

You don't want to be her "friend".

Let's say she meets a new man and starts dating him. She invites you to meet up with the two of them for lunch. After all, that's what friends do. Would you be genuinely happy for her? Or would it hurt you to see her holding hands with and kissing another man?

If it would hurt you, you don't want to be her "friend".

And lurking around pretending to be her friend in the hopes she'll change her mind and want to start dating you again is futile. It's just signing up for more hurt.

BTW, think about why you would want to be friends with someone who plays with people's emotions they way she did. Someone who lines up her husband's short term replacement while she's still married. And who moved on to another man so soon after she stopped dating you.

[Andrina]

IMO, once you've crossed the line from friendship to romance, it's usually not wise to return to friendship. Eventually you will want to get serious with a wonderful lady, and she won't appreciate you communicating and hanging out with a woman you once wanted more from. And women are intuitive, so she'll know there is something different about that friendship, and you also shouldn't keep secrets about such things, so it's best not to put yourself in that situation.

Tell her for your own good, you will be losing each other's numbers. She doesn't need an in-depth discussion about it or a reason. She doesn't need any explanation at all. It's none of her concern, as you are in each others' pasts.

[lostandhurt]

All I see is you making excuses for her cheating and trying to justify this whole mess.

For some reason you will go running back to her if she told you she wants to try again and she loves you.

 Saying she is confused is an excuse so you can hopefully one day be with her in your mind.

 One day when you are far removed from this whole cheating mess you will look back at it and see it with clear vision unlike your vision is now.

Steer clear of her until you are strong enough and out from under her spell to see who she really is.

 Lost

[catfeeder]

So, what's YOUR definition of a rebound?

[moldypeach]

Quick update:

So even tho I told her couple of weeks ago that I dont want to be friends with her after our romantical couple of weeks, shes being persistent and even to a point of being  annoying.

Shes in my office every 5-10 minutes asking some random stuff she already knows the answer to. She joins me on coffee breaks and just sits with me at my table, shes inviting me to smoke breaks, shes buyin me sandwiches etc. etc.

Like, should I just be mean and tell her to "fu... off"?

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, moldypeach said:

Quick update:

So even tho I told her couple of weeks ago that I dont want to be friends with her after our romantical couple of weeks, shes being persistent and even to a point of being  annoying.

Shes in my office every 5-10 minutes asking some random stuff she already knows the answer to. She joins me on coffee breaks and just sits with me at my table, shes inviting me to smoke breaks, shes buyin me sandwiches etc. etc.

Like, should I just be mean and tell her to "fu... off"?

No, you cannot tell a work colleague to eff off.

You can politely ask her to stop attempting to engage with you. Say "no, thank you" to the break invitations and decline whatever food she buys you..."Thanks, but I have my own lunch." Use the grey rock technique (Google it). If you are boring enough and show zero interest in engaging with her she will eventually give up.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, moldypeach said:

shes buyin me sandwiches etc. etc. should I just be mean and tell her to "fu... off"?

Just be professional and avoid her. Do not go on breaks with her or accept things from her. You're in the workplace. Watch your step or she  can make a mess for you.