What should I do?

[Cbshb]

To cut a long story short I was in a serious relationship for 4 years - bought a house together and seriously talking marriage. 

He broke up with me citing incompatibility with what we want in life at the moment from understanding what he wants now this feels like a quarter life crisis where he's questioning himself and what he wants and making big life choices (selling our house, quitting his job, not wanting to commit to anyone and travelling for the foreseeable future). I now see he was right as I have a job and studying that I can't leave and at the moment I don't want a relationship, I want to work on myself and become the person that I want to be by pushing myself. 

Now he hasn't left for travelling yet so we are still tied by the house, and I've tried to set up boundaries to ensure that there's as little of this talk as possible as this is a sore spot for both of us.

However, we still talk to each other at least once a week and im struggling because we still 'click' and can talk about nothing for hours. We always finish the conversation and i feel like there's so much more to say. I've asked him why he reaches out and he says its because he cares, i mean a lot to him, I'll always be close to his heart and that we are significant to each other.  

Now to me that sounds like someone with conflicting ties - one to freedom and adventure, and the other to love that they feel for someone. Thoughts?

I've done a lot of introspection and know that where we were in a relationship last time was not at all what I wanted there was too much pressure on us and we're both in our 20s. I also know that I don't want a relationship either right now because I know I still love him and want to put myself first in my growth for now. I've asked him where he is at emotionally and he says he wants to focus on rebuilding our friendship and that he doesn't want any pressure for there to be anything romantic but that we have feelings for each other that are more than friends. 

My question is should I continue to keep in contact with him (he says he wants to talk on the phone once a week and text) because I'm really liking the person he's becoming and we both want and enjoy talking to each other? As a side note - We've agreed to keep checking where we both are and what we want emotionally in the future, so if we are misaligned we can pick up on it asap.

Or should I cut all contact for the foreseeable for fear of being led on? Whilst cutting contact will hurt me and be very hard, I am scared that contact will keep us stuck in this position we've found ourselves in for good. And with his current life uncertainty there's no guarantee of anything in the future (but I guess that's life) - whether he'll come back it want a relationship in the future.

Edited December 29, 2021 by Cbshb

[Wiseman2]

On 10/17/2021 at 5:00 PM, Cbshb said:

I have negotiated that I will get more money back then I put in due to this being his fault and it being an investment property.

Have you settled the house situation? Where do you both live now? 

Get your money from the house asap and sever all ties asap.

Neither of you will be free or grow if you're living as roommates and tied to this house.

If you or he wish to find yourselves or grow, you'll need to stop being this dependant on each other and sever ties.

That means stop trying to be friends and dragging it out. Neither of you will grow or find yourselves in this limbo.

Furthermore being stuck in this will inhibit dating others. 

[Cbshb]

We don't live together, haven't for 3 months. 

House is in the sale process, will take atleast another month.

That's what I was afraid of - not growing 

[Batya33]

First of all get very honest with yourself -if you didn't want a relationship because somehow being in a relationship wouldn't allow you to push yourself to reach your goals (I say somehow because I would think being in a relationship wouldn't impede you at all and often helps) - then why didn't you pull the plug? If he hadn't ended things were you going to? No I would not have contact with him unless you want to see photos and descriptions of the women he is trying to date or dating - because that's what friends chat about - otherwise do not give him the benefit of your companionship if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. 

He has his quarter life excuse and you have your "have to work on myself" mostly an excuse -but the truth is both of you have the dream of someone else, think the grass is greener elsewhere partner-wise and are no longer a good match or that into each other.  You were just hanging on because you likely were and are more into him than he is to you.

I'd sell the house as quickly as possible and keep it to email/all business.  Good luck!

[Cbshb]

Wow well I didn't reach my goals in the relationship because I overworked myself and actually didn't make time for me because I've spent years studying and working, it genuinely had nothing to do with him and the relationship. And actually being in that relationship was what pushed me on my career goal hence the studying. I want to prioritise my health over any relationship now to get a balance in my life between work and having a life. I was too naiive to pull the plug then and didn't really consider breaking up as an option because of my feelings for him. Clearly there was a communication problem because he didn't encourage me to reflect on this whilst with me.

I probably am more into him then he is me, but I don't see why he would continue to lead me on in such a way of he genuinely cared?

 

You are all right he doesn't care about me and leading me on like this is downright cruel. How can any sane person expect to wave a new relationship in the face of an ex and expect them to feel nothing.

Edited December 29, 2021 by Cbshb

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Cbshb said:

I probably am more into him then he is me, but I don't see why he would continue to lead me on in such a way of he genuinely cared?

Some people try to get away with enjoying the comforts they enjoyed from a relationship while they decathect after a breakup. The problem is, this keeps the other person tied to them even while they are moving on. So you actually end up going through a second breakup, at some point.

Skip that. If the two of you were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday. Meanwhile, don't play the role of his comfort blanket--give him the gift of missing you.

This will allow you to move your own focus forward, so it's a win-win. You might find hindsight very enlightening as you view him with a new perspective from your own higher ground. You may or may not be interested in reuniting with him someday, but in order to reach clarity about that, you'll need to move beyond him as soon as possible.

Head high, push forward, and you will thank yourself later.

[reinventmyself]

Personally, if I make that bold thought out move to end a relationship, even one where there are still feelings and this amount of history, I will not contact that person.  I think it's selfish to continue to give mixed messages and give someone hope that there may be the slightest chance of something in the future.  This serves him and not you.  

Remember, he chose to risk losing you permanently and your availability is helping him wean himself from you slowly.

I would tell him that it's best that you two not communicate for some indefinite amount of time.   That may be forever. Limbo isn't helping either of you grow (if that's the purpose)  Hanging on to weekly check in's keeps you as a possible back up plan.  He can't end a relationship and still keep you tethered.  

It may be at some point in time that you two find each other again.  But the odd's are not likely if you continue to accept the scraps he has to offer and continue to view it as positive move in the right direction.  It's nothing more than limbo.

If he wants a future with you, he'll know where to find you and nothing will stop him from doing something about it.  There is no motivation for him if you allow him access to you at a limited capacity on his terms.

Edited December 29, 2021 by reinventmyself

[Jibralta]

43 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Some people try to get away with enjoying the comforts they enjoyed from a relationship while they decathect after a breakup.

Yup.

[Lambert]

I think he's being very selfish leading you on, making excuses,a quarter life crisis is not a thing.  Its not a crisis.... At quarter life you're making decisions & figuring yourself out. 

(The mid life crisis comes from regret of the choices made.)

He has come to the conclusion that you do not fit in his future.  

And thanks to his ending your romantic relationship, you see for yourself that you want more for yourself. 

Let him go and force him to let you go.  You are a fine on your own. There's a future out there that you have to go after,  that means letting go of things that are tethering you to dead ends. 

You sound like you have a good grasp on what you're doing.  Don't let him drag down. 

 

[Batya33]

Certainly if you think prioritizing your health and work precluded being in a serious romantic relationship -you do you! I agree with the others not to be in contact right now.  And that's wonderful you have such ambitious life goals.