relationship How do I get him to leave me alone for good?

[JudyJudith]

Hello there,

so I moved into a flatshare when I started uni 2 years ago (3 dudes). The first person I met (one of my neighbours) told me right away that he was an a-hole. Back then i wanted to make my own opinion on the matter and soon realised that he was right. Right when I moved in he tried to make moves on me, making me gifts, trying to be around me and getting me to spend time with him alone (to study for example, since we are in the same major, I ended up never studying with him bc i don't study with people in general). He was trying to get also physically closer to me etc. At the same time he would make subtle but insulting comments and try to make me doubt mysel for the way I did things, my habits and generally not respect boundaries.

I eventually ended up developing feelings (I grew up in an unsafe environment and never really learned how to stick to my boundaries or see red flags). All of the sudden, one night, he invites a girl over who seems to be his girlfriend for quite a while already. And even so, he would show shame whenever she came over (he wouldn't be able to look at me for days in a row afterwards) but would try to keep the flirting with me when she wasn't there. I wasn't having it so i tried to put up boundaries he wouldn't ever respect so I realised i just can't and don't want to keep him around me anymore. I don't mind living under the same roof as i don't chat much with my other flatmates either. I tried to keep conversations short, i tried to be mean even kind of aggressive or to totally ignore him but he just won't stay away. He is always trying to be around where I am or to catch my attention. I also noticed that he seems to have this “weird" boundaries with his other female friends. For those asking, I know how to differenciate between friendship and flirting as I have other male friends.

It's difficult for me to move anytime soon and I can't endure this anymore, I need some peace. I already blocked him (I know this looks weird as we live under the same room, but he wouldn't stop texting to ask for favors and such). I just feel like he doesn't get any social cues. I've already had a conversation with him telling him I don't want to chat with him anymore and want to be left alone. I ignore him as much as I can but he just won't stay away, finding a reason to be arount me when I cook, coming into the kitchen whenever I'm there and still trying to start  conversations and to be physically close to me. Can you maybe give me some tipps as how to navigate this situation? Thanks!

[smackie9]

Look as ugly as you can. have messy hair, dirty baggy clothes on, no makeup etc. Just be gross/disgusting around him, burp/fart, be unpleasant. If he bugs you, lose you mind on him.

Or you can have a guy friend over that looks intimidating, bigger the better and have him pretend he's your BF.

[Andrina]

Until you can move out, I'd probably spend a lot of time outside of the flat, doing your studying at the uni library. Getting takeout to eat in your bedroom or eat before you get home. You could get a mini fridge for your bedroom. If you do end up still cooking at home, put your earbuds in and listen to an audio book or music and don't reply to him when he speaks to you. If he is standing too close, tell him with a deadpan face that he's in your personal space and he needs to take 5 steps backward. 

[Capricorn3]

Sometimes, when people just don't get the message then you have to be brutal and tell it like it is and don't mince your words either.  Something like:  "Look, you're really starting to irritate me. I'm really not interested in your company and would appreciate it if you would just back off and leave me alone".

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. 

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey JudyJudith,

If you have tried to resolve this by speaking to him directly and gotten nowhere, unfortunately, there are generally few recourses regarding roommate harrassment. If you have blocked him electronically and told him directly that you do not want to talk to him or interact with him, I don't think you can be more direct than that. 

You could try appealing to the landlord. Of course, whether this would work is entirely dependent on your unique circumstances (relationship with the landlord, whether your are named on the lease, etc.) If you can get your other flatmates to back you up, that would probably go a fair way. If any of his behaviour is veering into criminality (taking your property, unwanted touching or physicality, threats), you could talk to the police and possibly seek a restraining order (depending on jurisdiction) but lets face it, that is unlike to de-escalate the situation. 

Ultimately, if the harrassment is impacting you so severly, the best and easiest option may be to move, even with the difficulty that would present.

Good luck,

T

[melancholy123]

I think Capricorn3 has good advice, it's what I'd do.  Plus look for another place to live.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, JudyJudith said:

I eventually ended up developing feelings 

It's good you deleted and blocked him from your social media and messaging apps.

You can't stop him from using his own kitchen or talking.

Stop being rude. Stop monitoring him and his GF this much. It seems like you are jealous he has a GF.

All you need to do is be polite and use simple one word phrases. Excuse me. Please. Thank you. 

You're trying to control him in his own apartment. That's not possible.

He's not harassing you. He's living in a place he pays for.

Be out more. Go out with friends. Start dating. Join study groups and go to the library. Don't be a homebody.

Do what you need to do in the kitchen,then let others have their turn. You're being rude and that won't work. If he's in your personal space, simply say "I'm cooking right now I'll be done in a minute" then go about your business.

 

[JudyJudith]

@Wiseman2

Hey you,

I'm not "monitoring" him and his girlfriend (?!!?) 🤷‍♀️ I don't know where you got that from, in the begining I was sensitive to his reactions because he usually wouldn't act that way (the eye contact thing), which was I thing I noticed then as I tried to make sense of it for myself. I did feel hurt in the begining by what happened, but I've been over it now for quite some time and recognise that this turn of events was a blessing in desguise. I also never mentionned any harassment and I didn't imply it either, I just stated the facts to explain my situation, looking for advice as I didn't know what else I should do anymore. I'm not trying to control him either, he can do whatever he wants since yes it's his living space too. But I have a right to be left alone by a person I do not want to be involved with, and I did communicate to him that this was my wish. I do go out, I happen to do so less since Corona and since being inflicted by other health issues. I do date too, I spend time with friends and I also study (which I can't do at a library bc you know, Corona). And even so, I don't know why I shouldn't be allowed to be a homebody? I do use simple word answers and but like I said, he still keeps trying to chat. Which I don't want, because it drains me as in my opinion he is a butthole. I do wait till others are done to use the kitchen, but he still finds a reason to come. Honestly, I have tried being polite, if a person won't respect my boundaries by then, I don't see any reason to not be rude and ignore them.

Thank you for taking time to answer my post and for your well meant advice.

[JudyJudith]

@melancholy123

Hey you, 

Thank you for replying to my post 🙂

[JudyJudith]

@WaywardKiwi

Hi you, 

Thank you for your advice 🙂 It seems quite extrem for now but I'll keep it in my mind as I didn't know some of them were possibilities. 🙂

[JudyJudith]

@Capricorn3

Hey, 

Thank you, I will try telling him again more firmly 🙂

[JudyJudith]

@andrina 

Hi you,

Thank you for your answer. I'll probably try the takeout thing in the future. I probably won't be getting a mini fridge in my room as I feel it would be too extreme to resolve this kind of matter. I'll try being more firm about my boundaries too. 🙂

[JudyJudith]

@smackie9

Hi,

Your answer made me laugh out loud 😂 I've been thinking about doing that fake boyfriend thing but feel kinda weird about asking a friend to do that for me haha

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JudyJudith said:

he still keeps trying to chat.

He lives there. You can't put a gag order on him. He doesn't have to take orders from you. You don't own the place or the kitchen. Just ignore him.

Start looking for places when you are available to move, but keep in mind shared living quarters have their annoyances and irritating roommates. Focus on social skills and tactful ways to avoid irritations.  For example, your reply was quite snotty. 

[JudyJudith]

 

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He lives there. You can't put a gag order on him. He doesn't have to take orders from you. You don't own the place or the kitchen. Just ignore him.

Start looking for places when you are available to move, but keep in mind shared living quarters have their annoyances and irritating roommates. Focus on social skills and tactful ways to avoid irritations.  For example, your reply was quite snotty. 

Hello,

Sorry for seeming snotty(?)  I would be thankful if you could elaborate on that, as I just tried to be polite and explain to you why I think your assumptions are wrong.  I did ask for feedback about my social skills to my friends, they all just seemed to note that I am shy but overall not socialy unfit. People around me did point out in the past that I tend to be very politicaly correct and polite in the way I express myself (maybe that seems snotty to you, in the end, people who matter to me don't mind and those who do don't matter, you don't need to be liked by everybody). I on the other side, feel like the way you express yourself shows judgement, assumptions and is actually kind of attacking. I'll assume on my side that you're reacting this way because you 've been on the receiving end of someone not wanting you around, which is unfortunate but does happen.

I never said I owned the place or the kitchen and I agree with you on the fact that I in fact don't do so. It's not an order, it's a boundary. Individuals are allowed to set boundaries if they feel the need to. Other individuals are also free to not respect them and in that case, the ones setting the boundaries are also free to not want to be involved with them.

I've been looking for a new room for a while but finding a place where I can fit all my belongings (I don't have a room at my parents place anymore) and that I can afford can be quite tricky. I would take on a job for extra money to afford one but because of my health I'm in no position to do so actually. Yes, living with others has its downsides, I'm fully aware of that. The thing is, my other flatmates don't seem to have an issue with me not wanting to talk to them, so I don't see why he has so much trouble respecting it. I'm not looking for a way to control anybody, I'm looking for a temporary solution till I get away, without it taking such a toll on my mental health which directly affects my physical health (I was immunosupressed because of the emotional stress).

[Rose Mosse]

He sounds socially awkward and womanizing.

He keeps bothering you because somewhere in his cracked skull he feels entitled. It’s unfortunate he’s learned to be such a nuisance to others. 

Aim to find a new place and choose your flatmates. I did live with a bunch of guys (and women) in uni like you. Once, in a flat also with guys. It is their place too but you’re not obligated to hang out with them. None of them were as disrespectful as this person you’re describing. I was never in much anyway. 

Realize also this isn’t home in any way. It’s a place to crash and finish assignments. Get done with the semester or year and be off again. They owe you nothing. You owe them nothing. If you have to be curt to get your message across someone who’s harassing and bothering you, so be it. 

[smackie9]

If you can't afford a more expensive place, maybe suggest in lieu of the extra cost you will provide some light house cleaning, like vacuuming, dusting in common areas, take out the garbage, clean the bathroom once a week. Make a deal.

Or you store some of your stuff at your parents, sell stuff and live with less so you can take lesser accommodations.

[1a1a]

Go ‘grey rock’. As in when he tries to talk to you be as boring as a grey rock. Single word answers, yes, no, uh huh, interesting *nod and walk away*
 

wiseman might be reacting to the ‘hey you’. Even ‘hi you’’, in English, comes off a bit bossy. You can soften it into something like ‘heya’, or ‘Heyo’ and it becomes a normal greeting but ‘hey you’ won’t work for polite conversation. Having said that if you use the persons name they become acceptable greetings again.  ‘hey 1a1a’ or ‘hi 1a1a’, both work well.