Supportive partner/Being allowed to have a moment

[quark]

First of all, I don't really appreciate him saying that I always "hate him" when I come back from hanging out with my friend.  It's said in a joking way, and sure it might have some validity (in that I am usually in a different headspace after we get together).  But I can't help it.. we talk about heavy stuff when we are together, her relationship, my relationship, the state of the world, depression, the meaning of life, etc...

So Thursday, when he came home from work, I was in a mood.  Just hating on myself for not being able to stick to a way of eating that I am trying to do to lose weight.  Feeling hopeless about it.  Feeling exhausted by life in general.  Questioning some things in our relationship.  Critical of myself in other areas.  A myriad of things.

Instead of being supportive, it was like his whole demeanor changed, and he was angry with me for feeling depressed.  So not what I want at a moment like this.  He did attempt to have a conversation, but I bitterly reminded him a few times that football is on and said I was exhausted.  (Football is life, the one day we get to spend together it is spent watching football).   I spent a little while playing a stupid game on my phone just to disconnect.  I went up to bed once the awkwardness reached a fever pitch and did not kiss him goodnight.  I was not in the mood to swoop in once again to "fix things" and find out whats wrong.

Since then we have spent days in a weird silent treatment type thing.  He is not really talking to me and I just don't care enough right now to be the bigger person I guess.  I'm exhausted.  We finally talked a little bit today and he feels like I am not taking responsibility for what happened on Thursday.  But, I just feel like the whole thing could have gone differently if his reaction was different.  I am allowed to feel depressed.  I am allowed to not want to talk about it in the moment.  I feel like I don't have much of anything to be sorry for (I could have communicated my feelings better) and he has made it clear he has nothing to be sorry for.  

[Wiseman2]

Stay away from him. Stop hanging out at his place and definitely do not move in together.

[boltnrun]

Did you change your mind about this (posted in early August):

"I said to myself that if things aren't better and I am not happy by the end of September, that is it. "

Are things "better" and are you happy?  If not, why did you extend past September?

[catfeeder]

I dunno, when I'm in a bad mood, I'm still careful not to come out sideways on the people around me.

I might be kind and engage a bit of small talk, say, when someone first comes home. But then if I want to be alone, I'd just say, "I hope you don't mind, I'm feeling a need to be quiet for a while, and I'd like to go onto my bed and read for a bit."

There's no need to come off as hostile only to resent a person for not responding well to that.

If you're not happy living with someone, consider a plan to live alone.

[Jibralta]

3 hours ago, quark said:

I just feel like the whole thing could have gone differently if his reaction was different.

Yes, you are allowed to have a moment and feel depressed, but he is not the only one at fault here. Yes, he was wrong for reacting to your mood with anger and intolerance. But then you were wrong for being unforgiving and holding a grudge about it for days. The two of you need to learn how to forgive and forget. What's the point of having this constant Cold War?

[Batya33]

I agree with Jibralta and Catfeeder.  If you need a moment you say in a polite, civil way "I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad mood and I don't want to take it out on you unintentionally -I'm just going to zone out for a bit and let's chat later" or something like that.  Please do not take it out on him.  It's not his fault.  It's ok not to feel like being civil or polite.  But you have to when you walk in in a bad mood when your partner typically is expecting to greet you and chat a bit.  Fake it till you make it.  

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

f you need a moment you say in a polite, civil way "I'm sorry, I'm just in a bad mood and I don't want to take it out on you unintentionally -I'm just going to zone out for a bit and let's chat later" or something like that. 

I like this ^^^. No need to turn this into a 'case'.

[melancholy123]

I like what Batya said and really, if you are not liking this person very much why are you still there?  It sounds awful.

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, quark said:

I was in a mood.  Just hating on myself for not being able to stick to a way of eating that I am trying to do to lose weight.  Feeling hopeless about it.  Feeling exhausted by life in general.  Questioning some things in our relationship.  Critical of myself in other areas.  A myriad of things.

Instead of being supportive, it was like his whole demeanor changed, and he was angry with me for feeling depressed.  So not what I want at a moment like this.  He did attempt to have a conversation, but I bitterly reminded him a few times that football is on and said I was exhausted. 

Then this is on you, IMO.  He see's you pulling back in this relationship and he is confused.

He may not know how to handle any of this. So, he's maybe pestering you a bit- wanting you to open up & talk more?  ( communication is necessary in a relationship).

 

11 hours ago, quark said:

I went up to bed once the awkwardness reached a fever pitch and did not kiss him goodnight.  I was not in the mood to swoop in once again to "fix things" and find out whats wrong.

Fix things? ( so talk & explain yourself?) ... Find out what's wrong? (with him?).

 

11 hours ago, quark said:

I'm exhausted.  We finally talked a little bit today and he feels like I am not taking responsibility for what happened on Thursday.  But, I just feel like the whole thing could have gone differently if his reaction was different.  I am allowed to feel depressed.  I am allowed to not want to talk about it in the moment.  I feel like I don't have much of anything to be sorry for (I could have communicated my feelings better) and he has made it clear he has nothing to be sorry for. 

Okay... YOU are exhausted ( same here, mentally & emotionally), so I am NOT able to be involved and actually 'give' to anyone in this state.... For you as well maybe?

What is it he is to be sorry for?  Sorry, I'm confused...

If things are just too much, it is best you explain all of this to him.  Your partner should be one you DO talk to - about most things. * Not leave him hanging and worried about why you're shutting him out- which makes him think you are mad at him or something ( been there). No good.

If YOU are so unsettled, confused, unhappy etc. then is maybe a good idea to either get out of this challenging relationship with this guy.. and/or consider working through all of these things with a professional ( therapy) for a while?  Even reach out & talk to your doctor about your concerns.

[Kwothe28]

Hey, its "the heater" argument couple? How is the darn thing? Is it too cold where you live now(as it is in my country lol), so you can use it properly?

Also, as much as I agree that you both dont communicate in good manner(I think he literally told you that you are not a good person as you wrote on some other thread), this one is on you. He tried to communicate and you brushed him off. I dunno if your friend is an "emotional vampire" of some sort(because you mention heavy themes and that it constantly happens after you two get together) but its not really good to tell him that "football is on" bitterly even if you are exhausted. At least try to communicate properly.

Also, dunno if I already wrote you that on previous thread or not, after a while all some couples are left is "longevity". That is that feeling where you stay because you got used to each other. Even though you both know everything else that connected you is pretty much gone. I feel that is the case with you two. As much as I understand that your decision to stay is probably based on that, its not really a good solution. Especially if both of you are unhappy in doing so. 

[Lambert]

20 hours ago, quark said:

But, I just feel like the whole thing could have gone differently if his reaction was different.  I am allowed to feel depressed.  I am allowed to not want to talk about it in the moment.  I feel like I don't have much of anything to be sorry for (I could have communicated my feelings better) and he has made it clear he has nothing to be sorry for. 

This in itself is an issue. Yes. You are allowed, but you can't just spew all over another person, partner or not and expect them to just switch into supportive mode. 

But this how you guys are.  It's a constant dance of not meeting each other's needs and then playing the victim that nothing you do is good enough. I'm sure it is exhausting.

If you want oranges but your partner only has apples. Granted they're the best apples... but they're not oranges. Resentment will ensue.... 

You are so dug in to change him into what you think he should be. This is the source of your pain. 

You could end this but you're choosing to stay. You're choosing to be pissed you have apples instead of oranges. When the obvious answer is to find a guy with oranges