Girl isn't ready for exclusivity or something serious

[boltnrun]

You possibly are already infected. I hope you got tested and are isolating until you get your test results. Wouldn't want to take the chance of getting anyone sick, I'm sure.

And yes, you go over there to sit with her and you will definitely get sick if you're not already. Are you willing to sacrifice everything, even your own health, just to try to stay in her orbit?

[MissCanuck]

22 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Maybe I’m naive but she texts me so much and spends so much time with me and all her friends know about me so I think any other men in her life are just orbiters 

You are naive in thinking that you aren't one of them, too. 

 

[jazz_lover]

She did her 10 day self isolation and after the first few days stopped the ***iness. From what I gather she spent most of the time on social media and watching Downton Abbey so we didn't text that much but we stayed in touch and she asked for help buying Christmas presents for my family and made it clear she still intended to come to spend Christmas day with us.

Christmas day was OK she has good manners and social skills (when she wants to) so got along well with my family and joined in with the traditions and activities and seemed to enjoy herself. She arrived around 10am and then around 9pm she said she was starting to feel tired and wanted to go home. I had already told her beforehand that she could stay over as she was a guest of the family and no one would expect her to travel twice on Christmas Day. But she said first time meeting the family staying over felt like a bit much and she is still tired after recovering from COVID and sleeps much better in her own bed. So I guess that is reasonable enough and when she got back she thanked me for inviting her and said she enjoyed spending time with my family. 

She still is not very affectionate even in private. She will let me kiss her and hug her but doesn't respond with any great enthusiasm and never really initiates affection. 

We fooled around a bit in my bedroom when everyone retired to rest a bit after the Christmas dinner. But she said she didn't want to go all the way but her flat would be empty tomorrow as both her flatmates were away on holiday and I could come over. 

She also talked a bit about NYE as we'd been trying to decide what to do together then. We had a staycation booked before she got COVID which we had to cancel and she was suggesting going on NYE but there was no availability so we decided on the following weekend.

So I guess nothing has really changed and it is a FWB situation so I am trying to come to terms with that. Of course I could try and meet other women but the problem there is while I may meet women who are more interested in me and want a relationship I am worried I will not feel the same about them as really it is a very very long time since I have had any feelings for a woman even though I have been actively dating for a number of years now. 

I did go on a few dates with a girl while this girl was in self-isolation and she seemed really keen and we had a bit of chemistry but I didn't really feel anything so didn't seem fair to the girl to continue. 

[Batya33]

How is it that this is FWB - is she a good friend to you? Doesn't seem so.  She seems rather self-absorbed at least in the way she interacts with you.  I'll add that some who have covid report feeling depressed/down - meaning a particular symptom of it -we all are a little sad when we're sick for days!

It sounds like she enjoyed being with your family, wants to hook up with you when you have privacy, and is not that into getting to know you as a potentially serious person in your life.  Nor is she a good friend to you.  I'd continue to date her casually and enjoy the sexual arrangement if that is fun for you - some people enjoy being the initiator much of the time -do you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

We fooled around a bit in my bedroom when everyone retired to rest a bit after the Christmas dinner. But she said she didn't want to go all the way. I did go on a few dates with a girl while this girl was in self-isolation

You don't seem to know what you want or what you're doing.

One moment you invite her to meet your family, spend Christmas together, invite her to sleep over and want to get laid while she's there.

Then you call her a FWB, then you date others. What exactly are you trying to accomplish?

[MissCanuck]

You keep doing the same things and expecting different results, OP. 

At this point, you're both apparently just biding your time until she meets someone else. You're hoping she will choose you in the meantime, she is likely waiting to meet the guy who knocks her socks off. 

This is a pointless merry-go-round. 

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

she has good manners and social skills (when she wants to)

Do you even like her?

[jazz_lover]

Well I didn't have the strength to break it off but she eventually did it herself.

After Christmas we spent a lot of time hanging out: going to a carnival, a musical, hanging out at my place and then going to a NYE event. After the NYE event she ended up spending the whole weekend with me. So I stupidly thought that things were going OK. But in retrospect I noticed she was now only texting me to arrange dates/future plans whereas before she would text me throughout the day telling me what she was up to or sharing silly instagram memes etc. I have also noticed in recent weeks she is more critical of me finding fault in me on several occasions. 

She wanted to come over on Friday evening so we could travel to the countryside together on Saturday. Friday evening was OK but she said she felt tired and we just watched a movie and went to bed. Saturday she woke us up early (too early for my taste) and from the start she was quite ***y complaining when I accidentally let her suitcase go through a puddle. She was quiet on the train just wanting to read her book and doing her best to avoid sitting next to me by placing her bags on the seat next to her. We arrived at our destination and she cheered up a bit as she got me to take some photos and she enjoyed the souvenir shops. We then went for an afternoon tea and she was quiet but polite and then went for a walk and a drink. Over the drink she was completely silent and staring into space and I asked if everything was OK. She asked whether I thought we had a connection. She then said she felt something is missing. But said she may be overthinking things. This was left hanging as she then again wanted to read before dinner and after a quiet dinner we watched some TV and attempted to have sex but she wanted to do it in the dark and I was tired so by the time I'd fumbled around for a condom I lost my erection. She seemed annoyed and rolled over and said we should try to sleep. 

Next morning she was quiet but polite over breakfast and we went on a walk. Somehow she started talking again saying she didn't think we were compatible and I wasn't dynamic enough and she didn't want to lead me on or waste my time. She also said that she didn't think our chemistry was good as there had been a few instances where I'd lost my erection. And said something about wanting to be alone.

Bizarrely she also complained that I hadn't said that I love her as her exes had all said within a couple of months. I said what do you expect when you told me you weren't ready for seriousness and exclusivity and didn't want to label things. She said that if you feel it you can't help yourself from saying it. 

Rest of the trip she was almost completely silent reading her book on the train and then instead of letting me take her home insisting on getting a taxi for herself. 

An hour later she texts me asking when she can come over to pick up her stuff. And then later that evening a few long texts thanking me for the weekend away saying even though she was grumpy she enjoyed the countryside and sorry if she made me feel bad and how I deserved someone who cared about me and valued me. And she also said she thinks that negative associations with previous romantic getaways and her PMS might have made her a little tense. But she was glad that she was honest with me. 

Seems pretty final but I guess at least I have closure. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

This was going to end sooner or later anyway, OP. 

It's never really worked very well and I always had the impression that she was biding her time with you until the next guy came along. 

It's better that it's over now. 

[jazz_lover]

Yeah just still feels quite sudden. We'd been spending a lot of time together over the holiday period. And she said her friends thought we were in a relationship and she spent the entire weekend at my place over NYE so it seemed like we were getting to a cosy comfortable stage and easing off on all the nights out. She had left some pyjamas and clothes at my place and a toothbrush. So I thought it would last a little while longer. 

But I guess the signs were there. She was texting me a lot less. She was being a lot more critical and rude towards me and was often tired and moody. No idea what she meant about the complaint that I hadn't said I love her yet but I guess she just saw it as another example of how I wasn't aggressive enough and wasn't leading. 

As I mentioned she messaged me right after the trip saying she wanted to drop by at some point to collect her stuff and saying she was sorry if she made me feel sorry (***?) and she was glad she was honest and i deserved someone who cared and valued me and saying she may have felt tense because of PMS and bad past memories about vacations but she enjoyed the countryside.

I took a few days and replied saying I was glad she got some enjoyment out of the trip and shame she felt tense as I wanted it to be a relaxing break for us and maybe it was a bit too soon for us to holiday together especially after spending so much time together since Christmas and  her gin was being well taken care of (one of the things she mentioned she wanted to collect). She replied back ignoring most of it and saying "Take it from your msg that the gin is being subject to some consumer testing :P" I joked back "Could be :)" and she replied "Why would you open up a product that I bought for myself lol". I joked "I guess I cannot resist temptation" and instead of continuing the banter she ignored the text and it has been a few days and nothing from her.

Also saw on her IG that she has a story asking if any of her friends are willing and able to host a house party and to message her for details questions. So I guess she is single and ready to mingle.

Feeling very depressed and heartbroken. I knew it wasn't going that well but I always hoped that things would settle down and improve 

 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

instead of continuing the banter she ignored the text and it has been a few days and nothing from her.

Sorry this is happening. Stop trying to rekindle things. It will drag out your pain. Delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps. Watching her continuing single and mingle stories will just torment you.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah just still feels quite sudden.

The very existence of this thread demonstrates the opposite. 

This whole fling has been riddled with problems, virtually from the outset. You have been trying very hard to hang on to any small glimmer of hope, but if you zoom out, you will see this just wasn't going to lead anywhere. 

It's time to delete her from all your social media. It will hurt you too much to watch her move on to someone else. 

[WaywardKiwi]

Honestly, from this thread it sounds like you spent the vasy majority relationship believing she had some ulterior motive or that she wasn't good enough for you, or some other puritanical nonsense. And rather than being straight up and honest with her at any point, you chose to seethe amd stew online, seeking validation for your feelings. Im sorry that you couldnt get out your own way this time, but if you want to find someone, I think you need to reflect on what you could do better, not what she needed to change.　

Good luck,

T

[Andrina]

Even as she ignored you, criticized you, failed to give you affection, it never once occurred to you that you didn't want to be with someone who treated you like this. Although you probably won't admit it to yourself, you have poor self esteem. People who suffer from this subconsciously choose, and stay with, people who treat them poorly, because that's what they think they deserve. It just feels right. And a person like this who dates a together person might sabotage that relationship, feeling something is "off." 

I'm going to guess you're attracted to a bad dynamic. Even if you pooh-pooh this idea, what could it hurt to work on boosting your self-esteem? Give it a shot, and maybe you will all of a sudden see other women who will be a better match as more appealing.

Never settle with those excuses that the few other ladies you went on dates with didn't do it for you, so you should continue on with a toxic person because you have chemistry with her. Dating is a numbers game. You have to date a boatload to find someone who matches you in every major way. Expand on the ways you can meet women. Meet up groups, volunteer work, dance lessons or other new hobbies. Good luck.

[jazz_lover]

Hey T. I am still struggling to understand your interpretation.  I told her I liked her and wanted her to be my girlfriend and didn't like the idea of her dating other men. Maybe I didn't tell her I loved her (which she bizarrely mentioned while she was in the process of breaking up with me) but she'd done nothing to indicate she felt the same way so saying it would have just seemed like adding more relationship pressure when she said she wasn't ready for anything serious. 

Andrina yeah I probably do have low self esteem. She's pretty and extroverted. While I am an average looking introverted guy. So I guess I always felt lucky to be with her and put up with her being difficult. But at the same time she was good at making me think everything I was doing was wrong. 

[Dex215]

Dude, I saw you other thread about this girl and tbh you’re completely dodging a bullet by getting out of this relationship. She’s a head f*** and seems to enjoy it.

Give it time to get over it and when you eventually meet someone else (which you will) you’ll realise just how much she was messing you around and how much of a waste of time it was.

I’m talking from experience. I’ve had a similar relationship with a similar type of girl.

Good luck!

[jazz_lover]

Yeah. What is worse is that we saw so much of each other over the holidays: 25th, 27th, 29th, 30th, 31st-2nd, 5th, 8th-9th. Obviously that is way too much. But she was the one wanting to see me all the time. Of course she was probably just bored and lonely over the holidays and wanted to go to movies, musicals, jazz clubs, restaurants etc. But it was enough to give me a bit of false hope as well as growing more attached to her. But I guess the more time she spent with me the more she ended up hating me.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Obviously that is way too much. But she was the one wanting to see me all the time.

There's this word called "no" -you get to say no or no thanks if you feel you're seeing someone too often.

[EitherDare0]

She is trying to keep you on the hook. All the benefits for her of a BF, with none of the commitment. Going out on other dates etc. It's like you are the backup plan... which is ***ty.

 

Two choices, tell her you like her, want to be official, and if not you understand but you cannot see her anymore.

Second, disconnect now before you get more attached than you are, because you are, and heal.

 

Long time ago I had similar. I told the girl I was not ok being like that, and it was either we are exclusive and I am her BF, or I am out. Two weeks later, she asked me to be her boyfriend. We dated for 2.5yrs...

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah. What is worse is that we saw so much of each other over the holidays: 25th, 27th,  I guess the more time she spent with me the more she ended up hating me.

She is a superficial, good time party girl. You knew that all along, but because you're bored, lonely and live with your parents, your outings with her provided some fun in your life.

People this shallow are too into themselves to love or hate anyone. She was recently divorced looking for a good time and you were bored looking for a good time.

The carnival ride is over, that's all.

She's not the problem. The issue is getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps, not drinking so much that you have bouts of ED and taking it more slowly.

[Usa1ah]

She used you knowing she couldn’t go home herself, you were the best alternative to spending the holidays bouncing between different friends. 
 

I think you need to read your post through from the beginning. It is eye opening to who she is. 
 

Some people will never settle down and I think she is one of them. 

[jazz_lover]

Well handed her back her stuff. She apologized for ending things and asked if I was OK and said she just didn't feel there was enough of a connection between us to go further and she did not want to waste anyone's time so she had to do what she did. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 she did not want to waste anyone's time so she had to do what she did. 

She found another fool to be her chauffeur and finance her drinking and dining. 

It was a fun roller coaster ride, but now you know not to date floozies.

[jazz_lover]

I dunno. After we broke up I went back on the dating app where we met and saw she had an updated profile. Maybe she took advantage of her self-isolation from COVID to line up some potential dates. 

But her comment about "not enough connection" hurt. It is the kinda thing you should know after the first few dates not after four months. And if we lost our connection it is because she stopped making an effort and became tired and moody and non-communicative. During our break up weekend she also made a dig about the ED saying she also didn't think our chemistry was that good because I flopped several times. In actual fact it was only three occasions and the dozen other occasions we had sex there were no issues whatsoever. 

But anyway I guess bottom line is she never had strong feelings for me and got bored of me and probably lined up other prospects she wants to explore in January and beyond. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

 she also made a dig about the ED saying she also didn't think our chemistry was that good because I flopped several times. 

Ok. That's terrible but it's a sign that drinking too much and getting situational ED is something to improve on.

She's a floozie. You knew that.