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Girl isn't ready for exclusivity or something serious


jazz_lover
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I've been seeing this girl for almost 3 months now. We text all the time and see quite a lot of each other. She is often the one suggesting or making future plans. Since we started sleeping together a month and a half ago we've invariably spent half the weekend together. 

We've had a few discussions about labels. She talks a lot about me to her friends and they often ask who I am in her life. Generally she refers to me as her friend on occasions where she has introduced me to people. But lately she has been saying that when she talks about me to her friends she is confused as she doesn't know whether to call me friend/date/boyfriend. And she also mentioned a week or so ago that I am the only man she likes and when we discussed safe sex said she was only sleeping with me. Last time we had this discussion I said "I'd be comfortable with you calling me your boyfriend". She said "Hmm. I guess. I dunno. I think once you start a relationship it gets serious and I do not think I am ready for that. Let's keep things the way they are and not label it. Labels are unimportant anyway it is more important how you feel and what you do not your commitments". So I dropped it.

Then yesterday out of the blue mid conversation she texted me the following:

"Btw the reason i dont accept us to be in a relationship yet is that i am not ready for exclusivity and seriousness (although i dont fool around with you ofc) as i want to be in the right mindset when i commit to sth, as i dont wanna mess things up. But you are important to me. Wanted to let you know"

I asked when she said she wasn't ready for exclusivity did she mean she was seeing other people. She said she was talking to some people. I said "You mean dating or friends with potential romantic possibilities". She said "The latter depending on their approach but not many people or anything". She then asked if I would feel bad if she dated. I said I didn't know I guess but I would understand. She then called me on the phone to continue the conversation. I said I guess it is good to have this conversation but was curious what prompted it and whether something had happened. She was a little vague saying she went for dinner with a friend last night and he expressed a romantic interest in her and she said she was seeing someone and he pressed a bit asking if I was her boyfriend and she told him she wasn't labelling it. She also said her friends told her she should try to let me know where I stood.

But later she texted me asking why I thought sth had happened. I said "It just seemed a bit out of the blue". She said "I can account to you but please try to understand I care about you and when I feel sth might make you feel bad it bothers me. Hope this helps". It didn't but I was at the theatre and the show was about to start and later on she changed the subject and I didn't want to press.

So I do not really know what to make of it all. We covered not wanting to label it last week but this not wanting to be exclusive thing is new. It makes me wonder if she has started seeing someone else or is seeing other people or if she kissed or hooked up with someone and is feeling a little guilty and wants to clarify we aren't exclusive to make herself feel better.

Or is she just feeling a bit of pressure because things are moving a bit fast for her and she wants to feel she has her freedom even if she isn't interested in anyone else or actively looking to meet anyone new?

I do not know whether to back off and give her space or to just things the way they are (as she suggested she wanted) and give her time and see if she changes her mind in the future

Edited by jazz_lover
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27 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Should I back off give her space let her explore her freedom and hope she misses me and starts chasing me? Or should I just take her words at face value and assume that nothing has changed between us and she just wants psychological peace of mind and focus on spending time with her and deepening our connection?

After this

27 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

"Btw the reason i dont accept us to be in a relationship yet is that i am not ready for exclusivity and seriousness (although i dont fool around with you ofc) as i want to be in the right mindset when i commit to sth, as i dont wanna mess things up. But you are important to me. Wanted to let you know😘"

 

and this

28 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

I asked when she said she wasn't ready for exclusivity did she mean she was seeing other people. She said she was talking to some people. I said "You mean dating or friends with potential romantic possibilities". She said "The latter depending on their approach but not many people or anything".

you should have just go away. There is no seriousness there and she will never accept you as somebody to be in a relationship with. At best you are there until somebody else comes along. Have some dignity and pull away from there.

Or are you just hoping she will "finally realize that you are the best prospect around" and be with you? If she thinks that she would be with you. Not telling you penly how she wants other people.

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

 It makes me wonder if she has started seeing someone else or is seeing other people or if she kissed or hooked up with someone and is feeling a little guilty and wants to clarify we aren't exclusive to make herself feel better.

It seems you already know you're not the only orbiter in her life and that if she continually tells you about all her male "friends" she doing this, that and the other with that you are not exclusive sexually or otherwise.

Is this the same woman?:

 

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She is letting you know she has romantic interest in at least one other man. And that she may choose him. But that she still wants to see you in case that someone else doesn't work out. And she wants to be sure you're ok with being on her shopping list but not being her first choice.

Question is, do you want to hang around trying to be awesome and "cool" while playing the "please pick me!" puppy dog game?

For the record I've done that. I found it degrading and somewhat humiliating. I won't do it again.

Also, don't pretend to be "cool" with something if you're really not. That puts you in doormat territory, and no one falls in love with a doormat.

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She's stringing you along. She doesn't want a boyfriend because she's still looking for her boyfriend.

Start having dinner with female friends that may or may not have romantic potential.

This girl has a lot of nerve and no fear that you would ever dump her. I would not allow myself to used this way.  Staying with her is giving her permission to use you until she finds better. 

Any time a person says they are not ready for a relationship, dump them.  Tell them to call you when they are... then find someone else. You really don't deserve this. 

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Labels?  Do you really want to have sex with someone you have serious intentions towards who sees it as "just a label?"  She probably doesn't but she's dismissing it that way so she doesn't have to tell you she's not that into you -that's why she's ready for intercourse and not ready for a relationship (with you). 

If she got pregnant would she see being a parent as "just a label"? Stay with her if you're fine having fun dates and good sex with no serious potential ever.  She might continue to be monogamous but not because she has feelings -for safety.  You're at great risk of getting emotionally attached to someone who doesn't want to be with you in the same way you want to be with her.  I'm sorry.

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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

"Btw the reason i dont accept us to be in a relationship yet is that i am not ready for exclusivity and seriousness

She sounds very unsettled 😕 .

You two are not on the same page.  IMO, I say you should move on and not expect much more than what you're being fed here.

You want exclusive with her but she can't/won't give that to you.  She's been talking/ going out with another 'friend' recently, so it shows how uncertain she is.

Then maybe consider backing off, totally.  If I was being strung along like this & really liked someone, I'd realize I couldn't handle it and just back off.  No more expectations.

Maybe what is best for you is someone who IS certain they like you the same way & just as much, so it can progress and YOU can feel okay in it.

 

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OP, you posted about this Turkish woman who uses you to pay her expensive restaurant meals and show her around town, all the while flirting with other men in your presence. The last I remember you posted on another forum and under another user name, that you have blocked her and ceased communication with her.

Now you are coming under a new name and ask if it is OK to continue be used and disrespected by her? Do you think that just by changing the user name and the forum, you will change the situation?😅

 

Edited by East4
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Hey jazz,

You seem an extremely passive player in your own romantic life. Ask for what you want, and if she can't or won't give it to you, end it so you can find someone who will. Give up on trying to scry a womans true intentions or feelings from vague words or behaviours, or worse, from the opinions of strangers. 

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When someone says “I don’t want to put labels on it.” I take it as a red flag. It means they’re not serious and don’t plan on being serious because they’re keeping their options open. 
 

Take her texts at face value that she’s telling you how it is. If you want a relationship it won’t be with her.

 

 

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How old are the both of you? You both sound pretty young but she in particular sounds immature. If she has to seek advice from her friends on what to do, sorry op, she isn't a nice person. This person is also blatantly disrespecting you and controlling you, and has complete control of the situation. Start finding your power and get rid of her, find someone that values you. She is making you a weak person. 

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Also - there is a possibility she is lying and trying to manipulate you to have the upper hand 'Look how cool I am, I don't have to put labels on anything'. Sorry, she's not impressive. Move on. This person does not care about you, no matter how much she claims. She's selfish. This person is not going to be your dream wife, I can tell you that. 

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People have dating styles/goals, and if someone doesn't match you in that way, move on. I was never okay multi-dating when it got to the point of kissing and more. If a guy didn't match me in that way, I cut bait and made myself free to date someone who liked to do things the same as me.

Never stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Never stay in a situation whereas you have to hope for the best for the future when the present isn't how you'd like things. You have one life on planet Earth and you're letting someone else call all the shots? What happened to you that you think you have to accept breadcrumbs and don't deserve a feast?

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Sounds like she talks an awful lot of hot air...

I’ve encountered a couple people like this in my life and they are the worst most annoying people to deal with...

Time to focus more on yourself, cut her out of the picture, and look forward to being with someone that values your time...

3 months of dating is a long time not be to exclusive .. somethings not right here 🤔 

 

Edited by mical
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Oh the other night she asked what I was up to and I said I was about to meet a friend. She said "Oh who's the friend? Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!" 

Not sure whether she is jealous and has realized that by saying she is not ready for exclusivity she has given me a free pass to date other women. Or if she is projecting and assuming because she is/wants to date other people that I must be doing so as well. Or if she is hoping I am dating people so she can take it as a sign that I am OK with her dating other people. But seemed a strange reaction. 

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OP With that  new bit of info, I would run to the nearest exit from the "FWB" situations. She clearly is only comfortable with using you for sex, plus who knows how many others she uses and is not telling you about.

It's clear you want a relationship, where she just wants a stud for her use until someone better comes along. Aside from being grossly unfair and disrespectful of your time and efforts, is this something you do to another?

Time to start pulling out this friendship.

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9 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

 I said I was about to meet a friend. She said "Oh who's the friend? Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!" 

Why play games with weird vague "a friend" nonsense?

Stop trying to make her jealous because you're jealous. "Out with a friend" is her dopey line. Now you're doing it?

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14 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Oh the other night she asked what I was up to and I said I was about to meet a friend. She said "Oh who's the friend? Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!" 

Not sure whether she is jealous and has realized that by saying she is not ready for exclusivity she has given me a free pass to date other women. Or if she is projecting and assuming because she is/wants to date other people that I must be doing so as well. Or if she is hoping I am dating people so she can take it as a sign that I am OK with her dating other people. But seemed a strange reaction. 

Dude....she is telling you point blank that she doesn't give a flip about you, what you do, or who you date. She couldn't be more blunt if she got a sledge hammer and hit you over the head with it.

What is it that you are still failing to understand about this? She is not into you. She is seeing other people. She doesn't care what you do or who you are seeing. She is never going to be into you or exclusive with you.

Pick up whatever is left of your self respect and walk away from this already. You are starting to embarrass yourself at this point.

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17 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!"

Frankly, you should be annoyed with her patronising ways, instead of analysing everything she says at nauseum. Who is she to you to have the mandate to approve/visa your outings with whoever this might be?

Man, she only does that because she feels you are totally wrapped around her little finger. Please, find some self respect and disengage from this total mind f*ck.

To be honest we often see this scenario playing out with gullible women who allow players and pick-up artists to disrespect them massively. 

It saddens me equally to see a guy in this position. Please, find an ounce of self-respect and disengage from this psych abuse, or else you may spend the next years to recover from her mind games and asking yourself "how did I allow to be treated so badly".

Someone here on the forum wrote something that really applies in this case: "Sometimes one must let go of someone who one desires, to protect the one who one loves." You desire this woman to an extent that you forget to protect yourself, and it shows how little you love yourself. You act against your own well-being (including financial).

This lady is a master manipulator, you cannot beat her at her game. The only thing that would work is to block her on every communication channel and go total NC.

Edited by East4
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