Dad (Married but separated) in no-man's land: I feel so stuck

[TiccoTorres]

OK so long story shortened, I knew that my wife wasn't being quite right with me. There was less intimacy, she hated being touched by me for hugs, etc. We tried couples therapy, but she refused to go to session two. It turned out that she was wanting me to sleep on the coach and begin the 'getting over' phase. September was terrible for me. I was still in love with her and she quite simply was further along and had gotten over me quicker. We have two children (5 and 😎 and she has been out of work for 8 years. I was a teacher, then a TA (teaching assistant) and now I do private tutoring which brings in about 1.3-1.5k per month. She was first to go to a solicitor after I said that we needed to begin to draw out plans for the future of us and the children and that was fine. I went to mine and he was advising that she had been unreasonable with "refusal of sex" and "admitting the feelings were different and that reconciliation was off the agenda." (she said this three times in September). I nearly asked him to send the letter, but I decided otherwise.
After finally coming around (somewhat), we drew up plans. She agreed to a split of our bonds by moral acknowledgement (I had put in substantially more, but left her with 13k of her grandad's inheritance and 4k split of the remaining by half; I got my 23k win on a scratchcard and 4k remaining by half)

I am currently sleeping downstairs on the floor on cushions and just feel so trapped with night after night of bad sleeping. I finally got a good night sleep when a kind neighbour offered me their spare room for a night and the difference with me today is amazing. 

We have drawn up a separation agreement but it has one niggly point:  I have requested that she finds work and gets income to sustain a place and that the house goes on the market on April 20th, 2023. I will have moved out and on by then.

On another note, I have said I wanted 50% to see the children, but she has said that she won't accept this as she has been their primary carer for 8 years. She sounded combatant and that she would take this to mediation followed by court. I've made it clear I don't want another relationship and want the love and time of my children for half of the week.  She feels that I would be working too much as a private tutor and supply teacher without giving the children due attention after school. She claims 2 days for me and 5 days for her was the original agreement and one that she accepted. I have also pointed out to her that she does not know her own working arrangements yet as she is still yet to find work. 

She has refused to pay anything towards the house until I move out (I am currently forking out the 1.1k outgoings per month singlehandedly as I have been for the last 8 years). She has said that she would contribute if she got a job, but her interviews are few and far between and the ones that she gets she says they feedback with "been out of work for too long." She hasn't signed up for any voluntary work which is frustrating and takes long 1 hour plus walks with her mum every morning by routine.

I am trying to better myself: go back to supply teaching, find a place, improve my car from my Mazda 2 by buying something more modern, but I feel stuck.

 

Primary questions:

Should I leave my place to get set up or dig my heels in? I feel like I'm abandoning my kids and that we will grow apart if I do.

Should I push to get the house sold in the agreement or concede that she can live their until the youngest is 17 (12 years of not having that 70k deposit! and 12 years of me paying half the mortgage still!)

Do I separate the mortgage agreement of half of it from the child maintenance? 

 

I am so confused and lost as to the right thing to do for me and my children as it seems she is being reasonable in some senses, but unreasonable in others. I don't want to distance myself from my children and want to play a heavy part in their upbringing. I also feel trapped that the house as an asset will be unable to be released for over a decade which hinders my chances of getting a deposit on a new house and ties me to her credit rating as well. 😞

 

Please advise hive mind. 
From a demoralised Dad.

x

[Wiseman2]

The more you drag the divorce out the more expensive it will get. Until you're divorced, you both have the right to stay in the marital home.

Steer clear of this DIY separation. It's nonsense and pointless bickering. The courts will decide about custody and child support.

The courts will decide who gets what and how marital assets are divided.

Best thing to do is expedite this. File now for legal separation and fast track the divorce.

Get a new attorney if all this one had to advise is "she owes you sex". Find whatever grounds are easiest, fastest and cheapest. 

Never use kids as pawns and leverage like this. Do what's in their best interest, not what will manipulate your wife most

 

[Lambert]

I don't think you should leave the house because that might be considered abandonment.

You need to talk to a lawyer and push for your rights to your children.

I know it is hard because you are still in love and all... but here's the thing, your wife is controlling this but actually it's both of you. 

Get a bed for the basement. Start the divorce proceedings, get the house sold. She can use her half to get housing and to start over. 

Fight for your kids. They deserve both parents. 

[Seraphim]

Your children deserve both parents. I suggest a divorce done legally through the courts. That way you have legal means to support your access to your kids not just when she says so. 
 

ultimately the court will decide who pays what and where the kids go. Make the best picture of yourself in court and the most of your ability to care for your children. The court is interested in who best can  care for your children not squabbling and bickering. 

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get a new attorney if all this one had to advise is "she owes you sex".

Agreed. Your lawyer is going to squeeze every last dime out of you by picking these ridiculous fights.

[tattoobunnie]

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!  It will be considered abandonment.  Instead, ask her to leave and stay with family.  Do what you need to do in court. It doesn't matter if she is was the main caregiver, because you are still 100% the other parent.  Fight in court if you have to, your kids are counting on you to fight for them.  Record each time she goes on the walks, if the kids are home without her.  Look through all her emails and texts, and find a pattern if she is cheating, then you can say in court, she is neglecting the kids by pursuing her affairs.  Record any time she is late for the kids to indicate incompetence.

And you can also, have her sleep downstairs.  Get a lock for the door, and use it.  I'm sorry you still love her, but you need to stuff that down, and fight for yourself and the kids, or she will take the house and the kids.  FIGHT!!!

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

Instead, ask her to leave

Not legal. 

[tattoobunnie]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not legal. 

He can ask.  It is not the same thing as force.  He can also find dirt on her to be granted temporary custody of the house.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

He can also find dirt on her to be granted temporary custody of the house.

Really bad idea when there are kids involved. It's best to try to keep things as civil as possible.

OP, don't "do it yourself". Be represented by an attorney and do everything through the courts.

[tattoobunnie]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Really bad idea when there are kids involved. It's best to try to keep things as civil as possible.

OP, don't "do it yourself". Be represented by an attorney and do everything through the courts.

Temporary custody of the house is not the same thing as temporary full custody of the kids.  Having her leave because she wants a divorce is plenty civil, and it beats sleeping on the floor.  Divorces can take a while, and the OP is showing as a super doormat.  Any friend I've had who gave into their ex's needs first, are still paying for being doormats a decade later.  They lost their home, businesses, and custody of their kids.  

We don't know if the wife is a good mom or not.  And if she is having an affair, when she's supposed to be taking care of the kids, it is neglect.

[SooSad33]

IMO, you do want to 'work with her', to compromise best possible.  No one likes to fight.

I have a couple of ex's and yes, I do agree with doing a lot of this the 'legal' way. ( custody & support).

Yes, usually the sole parent gets the kids most, being a primary caregiver, but you can ask for them 50/50.  My ex's saw the kids weekends, so it would not interrupt their schooling through the week.... but I do have a friend who see's his kid once through the week.  But, you will never lose access to your kids, so you will remain in their life.  There would be considerations only if there were concerns for the kids safety. 

Can you not get at least a mattress for your place of sleep, if not a bed?  Your sleep is important.

I know it hurts 😕 , but is clear she's given up on this relationship, so now you do need to work on accepting what is and work through the emotions.. so be easy on yourself.  Do what you can in a day, don't over do it.  Maybe consider putting things on paper to make it a little easier.. your mind is possibly scrambled, yes?

Re: the home, consider seeking some prof advice on this.  Lawyers, etc.  Ask how you should do this. Any form of support will help.

One day at a time.. Take care of You.

 

[TiccoTorres]

I can hand on heart say that she is not having an affair. She has just fallen out of love with me. 
I got a solicitor bill for the price of £1,044 for 6 emails and a 30 minute phonecall. I can't keep this level of fight up.

You are right Soosad33, I think I am so scrambled with all of this, I do think I need to be out of the house and away from her for now to realign and lack of sleep isn't helping. I have an interview for supply teaching tomorrow and a neighbour has kindly offered up a bed for the night and said I can use this here and there wherever I need it. The separation agreement has been drawn up and it was done calmly without any shouting. I was pleased for that at the very least and it's a start towards my acceptance.

I will keep posted, but thank you fall for your responses. Amicability and compromise is my chosen route for now as I can't afford to take any fights further right now...

 

 

[waffle]

But you can afford this?

Should I push to get the house sold in the agreement or concede that she can live their until the youngest is 17 (12 years of not having that 70k deposit! and 12 years of me paying half the mortgage still!)

If you can afford to pay a mortgage on a house you don't live in simply because you don't want to make the soon-to-be-ex mad, then you can afford a lawyer.

Don't be afraid to start looking for your balls because you're going to need them.

[tattoobunnie]

6 hours ago, TiccoTorres said:

Amicability and compromise is my chosen route for now as I can't afford to take any fights further right now...

What you choose to do now will affect a lifetime of your situation with your children, how much money you give her.  She may also choose to never remarry to collect alimony from you forever.  She is a leach.  You think that by being nice she'll change her mind; she won't, and you need to wake up.

[Coily]

You need to do everything, spend every last Pound, to fight to get maximum access to your kids. To heck with her, your kids deserve and active and involved father! If she is this vitriolic over the house etc, what will she do to drive a wedge between you and your kids? I know too many divorced fathers who thought they were doing the right thing by being doormats with the wishes, then regretted it when they drifted apart from their kids, due to the mother.

Stay in the home, document everything you can about interactions, and be polite, while limiting contact in the home.

Fight for your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Seraphim]

25 minutes ago, Coily said:

You need to do everything, spend every last Pound, to fight to get maximum access to your kids. To heck with her, your kids deserve and active and involved father! If she is this vitriolic over the house etc, what will she do to drive a wedge between you and your kids? I know too many divorced fathers who thought they were doing the right thing by being doormats with the wishes, then regretted it when they drifted apart from their kids, due to the mother.

Stay in the home, document everything you can about interactions, and be polite, while limiting contact in the home.

Fight for your children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Absolutely children NEED their father too. I am a living example of a father who never fought for me or gave a crap. Not because my mom prevented it but because he couldn’t have cared less . I will carry that wound forever. 

[lostandhurt]

You are in over your head right now because of the emotions you have all tied up in this. The best way to tackle this is to take it one step at a time.

1. Tell her that until the house is sold and other living arrangements can be made you think it is only fair that  you take turns sleeping in the bedroom. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off so that you at least get some good rest.

2. Do not worry about the kids forgetting you or not loving you.  You are their father and they will see how much effort you put in when you are with them.  It doesn't matter about quantity, quality matters most.  You want 50/50 custody so don't back down from that. As has been said the court will decide all that so don't let her push you or threaten you into anything on custody. 

3. I am not sure where this April 2023 date came from but the house needs to be put on the market as soon as possible.  The divorce is a business deal now so treat it as such.  Also as soon as a legal separation agreement is signed all contributions to the mortgage by you shall be counted against her share of the dividends.  If you pay 4K before the house sells then that comes off the top of her share, no more 50/50 after the separation is signed.  This goes for credit cards too or any other  debt she may rack up, it will be all hers from that point on.

4. Wanting to get this over with is common but giving up your future just to ease the pain you feel right now is short sighted.  Be smart, talk everything over with family, friends or here before you approach her or agree to anything. On that note do not verbally agree to anything just to make it easier or stop an argument.  Be smart, stay calm and play the long game.

5. Do not incur any more debt until after the divorce is over unless it will benefit you. By this I mean if your car is falling apart and you need a newer one with the associated payment that comes with it will that benefit you in court?  Spousal support or child support is calculated on what you make, how long you were married, how much you have the kids and your ability to pay.  If you have a car payment and it is your sole way of getting to work then that reduces you available income. This could help because without the car payment it looks like you have more disposable income.

 This is a chess game and you have to think several moves ahead always.  Be prepared to imply you want this or that just to be able to give it up for a concession from her.  If you throw up your hands and bend over in 6 months you will think "I was an idiot to give it all away without a fight.  Short term discomfort for long term quality of life is the game here.

  Since she doesn't work she should have some time to start getting the house ready to sell asap so discuss that with her as well.  This is about to get real so tighten your belt and stay calm but determined.  You will be fine in a few months.   

Keep posting it will help.

 Lost