I need help! My relationship is in danger.

[Adtr23]

I(20,M) am here because my relationship is beginning to go sideways with my girlfriend(20F) of two years. We are trying to figure what was going wrong but we failed to do so. She wanted to break up with me one night saying that she feels in her gut that this relationship is wrong. On asking her if my behavior or actions have had something to do with this, she denied. She says that she loves me but if this feeling in her gut doesn't go away, we will have to break it off. She says that she gets anxious and restless thinking about this relationship and while talking to me. We have also established that our relationship is very healthy and stable. It's just that she feels anxious and ***ed up while talking to me because of her intuition. This is affecting me a lot and I am starting to feel disconnected and helpless. I'm not able to do my daily tasks with the ease and enthusiasm like before. I'm not able to eat anything and I feel my stomach drop every time I think about her feelings towards me and this relationship. Has anyone faced a relationship hurdle similar to this? Could anyone tell me how to deal with this? We are currently making a journal to keep track of our daily emotions and are being 100% blunt and honest with them.

[MissCanuck]

Unforuantely, this one is out of your hands. 

She has lost interest, it seems, and wants to end it but is going about it in a way she thinks will be less painful for you. (It won't be less painful, in the end) If things were really stable, well, you wouldn't be here. That's not to say that you don't get along, but rather that her interest has waned and she evidently wants to move on. 

It sucks and it hurts, but this is common when a couple gets together as teens. I'm sorry. 

 

[Adtr23]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Unforuantely, this one is out of your hands. 

She has lost interest, it seems, and wants to end it but is going about it in a way she thinks will be less painful for you. (It won't be less painful, in the end) If things were really stable, well, you wouldn't be here. That's not to say that you don't get along, but rather that her interest has waned and she evidently wants to move on. 

It sucks and it hurts, but this is common when a couple gets together as teens. I'm sorry. 

 

Are you sure? She says that she still loves me and is trying to work on her anxiety and i can see the effort. I just feel so hurt and clueless about how to make this better.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Adtr23 said:

Are you sure? She says that she still loves me and is trying to work on her anxiety and i can see the effort. I just feel so hurt and clueless about how to make this better.

No. Only she can be sure. 

But my experience (I'm 40 now) tells me that this is usually the beginning of the end. She is likely struggling with the idea of hurting you by breaking up, but she is giving pretty clear signals to prepare you for that. 

I know it hurts. But you can't make this better, because you didn't do anything wrong to begin with. This is on her, and her feelings are not once they were. 

[Adtr23]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No. Only she can be sure. 

But my experience (I'm 40 now) tells me that this is usually the beginning of the end. She is likely struggling with the idea of hurting you by breaking up, but she is giving pretty clear signals to prepare you for that. 

I know it hurts. But you can't make this better, because you didn't do anything wrong to begin with. This is on her, and her feelings are not once they were. 

Alright ma'am. Thank you for your insight. I will definitely talk to her regarding this and try to understand better what she is feeling.

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, Adtr23 said:

Alright ma'am. Thank you for your insight. I will definitely talk to her regarding this and try to understand better what she is feeling.

I would actually suggest you do the opposite for the next few days. 

Drop the relationship talks for a little bit, take a deep breath, and observe. See what she does without any nudging from you. I know you really want to resolve this and would like answers, but sometimes it pays to sit on our hands for a couple days and see what happens when we're not trying to direct the narrative. 

Re-address it next week instead. 

[Adtr23]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I would actually suggest you do the opposite for the next few days. 

Drop the relationship talks for a little bit, take a deep breath, and observe. See what she does without any nudging from you. I know you really want to resolve this and would like answers, but sometimes it pays to sit on our hands for a couple days and see what happens when we're not trying to direct the narrative. 

Re-address it next week instead. 

This sounds like a great Idea. She's a med student so she is caught up with her classes and labs all day. I have my classes as well. So I will go ahead and keep things light and casual like normal. Thank you again. I will definitely give you an update in a few days!

[Kwothe28]

Its often like that with young couples, you both are probably inexperienced, you start to wonder what else is out there, if you would be better with somebody else etc. She is young so she cant maybe express her thoughts better, but yes, if she said that she feels its wrong, its not only her intuition, she is actively seeking the window of opportunity to leave. In the situations like that there is very little you can do. Dont put too much pressure and act normally, but be warry that she is looking to leave any time now

I would be more worried about this

3 hours ago, Adtr23 said:

This is affecting me a lot and I am starting to feel disconnected and helpless. I'm not able to do my daily tasks with the ease and enthusiasm like before. I'm not able to eat anything and I feel my stomach drop every time I think about her feelings towards me and this relationship.

I know its hard and that you are not feeling this way, but ultimately, she is just one girl. Even if she leaves, you are very young, there will be another. There is no need for any girl to make you in that way, its not healthy. The last thing you need is to end up sick because of somebody. Dont think about it and focus on something else. If your thought drift that way, change them to something else, anything else. 

[Wiseman2]

Give her some space. She seems overwhelmed with studies. 

She'll come around when she feels less pressure and misses you a bit.

[Rose Mosse]

The journal with blunt feelings will just cause more confusion and pain. I would toss that. Don't get sucked into daily feelings. 

See how things go and if she continues to want to break up with you, you should be more decisive with yourself and know that you deserve a bit more stability than that in a relationship. Cut your losses and do not accept someone who goes back and forth about whether they want to be with you.

[Adtr23]

4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its often like that with young couples, you both are probably inexperienced, you start to wonder what else is out there, if you would be better with somebody else etc. She is young so she cant maybe express her thoughts better, but yes, if she said that she feels its wrong, its not only her intuition, she is actively seeking the window of opportunity to leave. In the situations like that there is very little you can do. Dont put too much pressure and act normally, but be warry that she is looking to leave any time now

I would be more worried about this

I know its hard and that you are not feeling this way, but ultimately, she is just one girl. Even if she leaves, you are very young, there will be another. There is no need for any girl to make you in that way, its not healthy. The last thing you need is to end up sick because of somebody. Dont think about it and focus on something else. If your thought drift that way, change them to something else, anything else. 

I Understand, but it's very heartbreaking for me. I'm trying so hard to be normal but I'm constantly failing to do so. We have just gone together to so many places in the city we live in (We live around 10-15 mins from each other's house). Everywhere I go, this dreadful feeling of "what if she leaves me" follows and it just sucks. We dreamed to do so many things and it just feels so wrong of her to let go of me. But both of us are trying at our own pace to clear our head and come to a solid conclusion and I just hope it ends up being positive.

[DancingFool]

You guys are very very young and the reality is that in your early 20's people go through a great deal of rapid changes as you figure out who you are as an adult.

What she is telling you is that she is changing, outgrowing this relationship, and deep down increasingly craving to spread her wings and experience life outside of this relationship. It doesn't mean that she suddenly stopped loving you, but.....she is no longer committed to it in the long run.

While that hurts, the best thing you can do is set her free. The less messy the break up now, the better the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future if your paths cross and you both decide you want to. Keep in mind that you might not want to by then because you have also grown, changed, moved on, etc.

The person you meet when you are still teens is almost never the person you'll spend your life with. Don't focus on extraordinarily rare exceptions, assume that your life will follow the rule and embrace that. You are also super young and have some exploring to do of your own. So rather than let this make you ill while she drags her feet detaching slowly - make the decision and let her go now. Rip off that bandaid.

[Adtr23]

54 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The journal with blunt feelings will just cause more confusion and pain. I would toss that. Don't get sucked into daily feelings. 

See how things go and if she continues to want to break up with you, you should be more decisive with yourself and know that you deserve a bit more stability than that in a relationship. Cut your losses and do not accept someone who goes back and forth about whether they want to be with you.

Alright. I shall keep that in mind. I did ask her if she loves me and is genuinely trying to fix things up for us to which her replies are positive. I have asked her to warm up to the idea of a therapy session for her and she's ready to go see a doctor eventually if she keeps feeling the same way. Thank you for your views. They are insightful.

[Adtr23]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Give her some space. She seems overwhelmed with studies. 

She'll come around when she feels less pressure and misses you a bit.

Yes, I'm planning to do so as well.

[Adtr23]

20 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

You guys are very very young and the reality is that in your early 20's people go through a great deal of rapid changes as you figure out who you are as an adult.

What she is telling you is that she is changing, outgrowing this relationship, and deep down increasingly craving to spread her wings and experience life outside of this relationship. It doesn't mean that she suddenly stopped loving you, but.....she is no longer committed to it in the long run.

While that hurts, the best thing you can do is set her free. The less messy the break up now, the better the possibility of getting back together at some point in the future if your paths cross and you both decide you want to. Keep in mind that you might not want to by then because you have also grown, changed, moved on, etc.

The person you meet when you are still teens is almost never the person you'll spend your life with. Don't focus on extraordinarily rare exceptions, assume that your life will follow the rule and embrace that. You are also super young and have some exploring to do of your own. So rather than let this make you ill while she drags her feet detaching slowly - make the decision and let her go now. Rip off that bandaid.

This makes a lot of sense. I get it that even though I don't have a restricting relationship with her, she might be feeling hesitant or restricted to explore things on her own. I will give her a good amount of space for a couple of weeks and see if it works out. Else, we can call this off and maybe give it a try in the future if our paths cross. Thank you for your insight.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Adtr23 said:

Alright. I shall keep that in mind. I did ask her if she loves me and is genuinely trying to fix things up for us to which her replies are positive. I have asked her to warm up to the idea of a therapy session for her and she's ready to go see a doctor eventually if she keeps feeling the same way. Thank you for your views. They are insightful.

It's usually not a good sign if you're having to ask if someone loves you. I know you are looking for answers and affirmation of love from someone you care about but if you feel the need to ask, hold still and think long and hard about whether you're in this for the right reasons. Why should you live in doubt like this for even one second? Someone will come along and appreciate you as you are, without these doubts or ever having to ask such a question.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Adtr23 said:

Alright ma'am. Thank you for your insight. I will definitely talk to her regarding this and try to understand better what she is feeling.

Please stop trying to understand.  You're not her therapist or her parent.  If her gut is telling her the relationship is wrong tell her it's best if you separate, best if she sit with her feelings on her own without you being there to distract or trigger guilt feelings.  Tell her she can contact you in one of two situations - a true life/death emergency with her or her immediate family, etc. or if she resolves her doubts on her own and is 100% committed to being with you -then if you are interested and available you'll consider it.

[melancholy123]

I think a large part of the sis your ages, you two are so young and neither of your brains are fully mature yet.    She may well be overwhelmed with life in general and just needs a break.  Life is hectic for almost everyone including her.

I say back off a bit and leave her alone for a while.

[catfeeder]

On 10/21/2021 at 11:04 AM, Adtr23 said:

...I get it that even though I don't have a restricting relationship with her, she might be feeling hesitant or restricted to explore things on her own. I will give her a good amount of space for a couple of weeks and see if it works out. Else, we can call this off and maybe give it a try in the future if our paths cross. Thank you for your insight.

Yes, this sounds smart. Trying to force a fit is smothering and would have the opposite impact you'd hope for. I'd back off, let her figure out where she stands without any influence from you.

Read my sig, and write more if it helps.