Feeling lost and confused after a break up

[Bz77]

@Rose Mosse I have realised it is not worth it all. I want to be appreciated and loved by someone. I am still hurting a lot after 5 weeks. I really hope I am feeling a lot better and mentally strong if he does reach out to me.

 

@CoilyI have been seeing friends as much as I can but I still feel so lonely. I am unable to relax when I am by myself as I keep thinking about the mistakes I made even though he made plenty of mistakes too. I wish I complained less. I wish I valued myself more in the relationship. I wish things were different. I don't think i could have done anymore for him to love me, but I shouldnt have to do things for someone to love me and want to be with me, I want someone to love me for me. 

[Coily]

It's natural to second guess/play what IF with yourself after a break up, we've all done it. I went on a wild hare vacation after a break up, so I think you need to find an outlet that is healthy for you.

Some people have written and then shredded letters to an ex, some go on internal reflection tours about what they value, and some just go to trusted friends vent about everything. In short it will take some effort and some time to heal from this, but you don't have to ball it up inside. One thing I do when I start getting lonely over an Ex, is rather than focus on who I'm missing I focus on lessons learned from that failure; it is really hard when it's a fresh break up.

Wishing you well!

[Bz77]

@Coily I don't want to annoy my friends by talking about the break up so much. Yeah it is hard but it will hopefully get better with time. I hope I can go a few hours without thinking about it soon. I have realised now that the relationship was clearly not stable and maybe even if I hadn't started an argument, we would have broken up over something else soon. There is no way a relationship like this would have resulted in a marriage right? or life after his PHD would have been wonderful? There is more work pressure on me than it was on him, but I didn't allow work to affect my relationship and vice versa. 

He still got some of my clothes and my paintings that I gifted to him, I know he is going to bin them which makes me sad as I spent hours on them. Shall I ask for them back at some point or is it best to forget about the paintings and buy new clothes?

I have a feeling he is going to reach out to me at some point. Probably not to try to reconcile but for his own selfish reasons. He told me he wants to meet up as friends at some point. How do I respond if he reaches out?

Reading the replies on here has made me realise I was not priority and I definitely cared about and valued it more than him. I wouldn't want to get back with someone like him, but would it be possible for him to change? The only reason I still have a little bit of hope (which I know I shouldn't have) is because he left me for a month before we were in a relationship, he told me the relationship didn't feel right and then a month later came back and told me he has made a mistake as there was a lot of work pressure on him at the time.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I used to always get him the snacks he liked when I visited him, sent him small gifts, used to cook for him all the time, give him leftovers for lunch, did his laundry, helped him move, gave him lifts everywhere, mostly drove when we were doing long distance etc.  I knew these things made him happy so I did out of love.

I think mostly you did it to see if you could convince him to want to be with you.  Sure you did it to be thoughtful but people who have healthy self esteem and know their worth don't go all out for someone who doesn't reciprocate - temporarily yes -if someone is ill, someone is in a temporary crisis but even then the person knows if the tables were turned it would be reciprocated.

[Coily]

@Bz77 Your good friends will still listen, they may  steer you towards other topics, but they'll always listen.

It's good you are seeing the fractures in the longevity of the relationship; don't rush it, just process a chunk at a time. As for the items he still has, unless they are of particular personal value or cost probably best to let them go; also any gifts are just that. You could ask for them back, but do the exchange with a friend doing a bulk of it.*

I would block him and remove him from all social media, close every path of communication, since as you said he will be doing it for selfish reasons. Unless you have a fiscal, familial, or contractual obligation to someone, you owe them nothing.

People like that have to want to change, and that usually takes a shock to their system.

 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

There is no way a relationship like this would have resulted in a marriage right? or life after his PHD would have been wonderful? There is more work pressure on me than it was on him, but I didn't allow work to affect my relationship and vice versa. 

He didn't either.  He didn't really want to be with you so he chose to prioritize work.  So the relationship wouldn't have continued on to marriage because he didn't want to marry you.  Unfortunately you stuck around jumping through hoops to try to get his attention and he let that happen - either because he's not a nice person or because he figured you're an adult making your own choices and he liked hanging with you at his convenience.

Change would happen if he misses you and also -both things -realizes he 100% wants to be with you and only you, that he wants to make you a priority, and then he will choose to treat you as a priority.  I don't think he necessarily has to change his personality or change as a person - his feelings and his reaction to his feelings have to change.

I married my ex fiancee.  I wasn't sure about him/us the first time we dated and I was several years later.  We both changed plus our feelings changed towards each other.

[Bz77]

@Coily Thank you for your advice. It is probably best I don't contact him to post my things back anytime soon. Asking for gifts back is petty, he can do what he wants with the paintings. I can replace the clothes or ask him to post them to me when I am over the relationship and by that time, I am probably not gonna care about the clothes I havent worn in months. I only have him on one social media platform which he has deactivated since the break up but I will make sure to delete him if he activates it. 

@Batya33 Being with him damaged my self steam. Even though he told me I didn't need to do him any favours, I felt like I had to to make the relationship more secure and I was too in love to realise he did not reciprocate. The way he spoke to me was like he was in a crisis due to PHD 24/7, so many people are under more pressure and they balance everything in life well, or at least communicate what is going on and reassure their partners. No one forced him to go on dates and find himself a gf, it was all his decision. I don't think he ever thought about our relationship properly. He was always too occupied with work and probably just enjoyed having me there doing him all these nice things when we lived close to each other, or even having me visit him whenever he desired my company. Also one thing he always talked to me about was how he feels like he is behind in life as his friends are all in serious relationship or married, this may have resulted in him rushing into things with me. It is probably best I don't think about what is going to happen in the future. I have to accept the relationship is over, I got treated badly so need to move on. I will deal with him IF he does come back. I am glad things worked out between you and your ex fiancee 🙂 !!!

[Bz77]

I just realised he has activated his social media and he had deleted me. Why does this hurt so much

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Bz77 said:

I just realised he has activated his social media and he had deleted me. Why does this hurt so much

Please stop looking for him on social media. That will do nothing but hurt you, as you've found. And don't try to find people who know him on social media to try to look at his. It's not going to do you any good.

Take care of yourself. Don't make your days about him but rather about you. Be kind to yourself.

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I have a feeling he is going to reach out to me at some point. Probably not to try to reconcile but for his own selfish reasons. He told me he wants to meet up as friends at some point. How do I respond if he reaches out?

Reading the replies on here has made me realise I was not priority and I definitely cared about and valued it more than him. I wouldn't want to get back with someone like him, but would it be possible for him to change? The only reason I still have a little bit of hope (which I know I shouldn't have) is because he left me for a month before we were in a relationship, he told me the relationship didn't feel right and then a month later came back and told me he has made a mistake as there was a lot of work pressure on him at the time.

He has flip flopped in the past and yet you still ask this? If he can change his feelings for you so easily, don't you think he can just as easily flip flop right back out of your life like this for the third, fourth, fifth time?

If he wants to reach out or meet with you as friends let him know that you prefer your privacy and wish him the best. Most people will be able to clue in that their presence is not welcome and their intentions are transparent to you. His friendship isn't what you need. It was his support and love in a relationship that you didn't get after pouring your heart out so be a little more realistic with yourself if this situation comes up. Have your boundaries in place and move on. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I wouldn't want to get back with someone like him, but would it be possible for him to change?

This is not a matter of a character trait that needs changing, though. That's not the primary issue. 

The primary issue is that his interest has never been that high in the first place, based on your description. This relationship sounds quite one-sided with you doing most of the heavy lifting, and trying very hard to get him to care about you the way you cared about him.

But the birthday fiasco? I am surprised you didn't dump him right then and there - this is a man who just doesn't give a fig, or has someone else that he was trying to accommodate and was flailing around to keep you and her from finding out about each other. There are some red flags here for the presence of a third party, OP, even if it hurts to even consider it. The wishy-washy behaviour, vague plans to meet and then canceling...not good. I would not be surprised to learn that you were not the only woman in his orbit. And even if you were, you should never settle for scraps of attention and care. 

In the future, don't wait for someone like this to change. When their interest is just not there, it's not going to get better. You deserve someone who you would love and appreciate you rather than a dude you have to practically beg to pay attention to you. 

[Bz77]

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he can change his feelings for you so easily, don't you think he can just as easily flip flop right back out of your life like this for the third, fourth, fifth time?

@Rose Mosse You are right. I would never consider breaking up with someone I truly loved and saw a future with unless I got cheated on or something was seriously wrong (hence why I stayed in the relationship for a year), I got mistreated but I was too naive to realise the way I got treated was wrong. There are problems in all relationships but if someone wants it to work, they would make it work. I had severe anxiety in the relationship, I already feel so much better but still feel very hurt. I doubt he will reach out to me and that is okay, it is for the best.

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

But the birthday fiasco? I am surprised you didn't dump him right then and there

@MissCanuckI should have broken up with him then, but at the time I was still grateful he ended up seeing me on my birthday, I wish I had more self-respect and valued myself. It was probably the worst birthday. Ended up arguing too and I was crying in his room for an hour and he just sat there and did nothing. The only thing I am sure about is that he was loyal. Probably the only good thing about the relationship. I was called "pushy" by him for wanting my basic needs in a relationship met, like seeing and speaking to each other, or wanting him to stay over etc. This made me feel awful in the relationship as I had never had to ask a guy to keep in touch or stay with me, it naturally happened if they were interested and I was the one getting chased. I stayed with him for the potential which is so stupid, I ignored all the red flag from the beginning. He told me he broke up with his ex of 7 years because she put on some weight, made it clear he would do the same thing to me so I was always very cautious about what I ate. He told me he would leave whoever he is married to if they can't have children so I started worrying about not being to give him what he wants. I knew all of this before getting into a relationship but I was too stupid to realise they were red flags.

 

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Please stop looking for him on social media. That will do nothing but hurt you, as you've found. And don't try to find people who know him on social media to try to look at his. It's not going to do you any good.

@boltnrun We don't have any mutual friends, he doesnt post anything on social media. I just wish I was the one who deleted him, or the one to break up with him, as I know he thinks he hasnt done anything wrong and was an amazing boyfriend as I begged for him to take me back, tried everything I could think to reconcile.

[MissCanuck]

44 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

It was probably the worst birthday. Ended up arguing too and I was crying in his room for an hour and he just sat there and did nothing.

He told me he broke up with his ex of 7 years because she put on some weight, made it clear he would do the same thing to me so I was always very cautious about what I ate.

He told me he would leave whoever he is married to if they can't have children

The more you write, the worse it gets. 

This guy is horrid. Bordering on emotionally abusive. I would take time to yourself now, reflecting on why you so badly wanted to make this work. He was not a good partner to you and didn't care about you very much at all. 

When you are past the pain, I think you will see the bigger picture and what a bullet you dodged. Life together with him was miserable, and would have remained so. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I got mistreated but I was too naive to realise the way I got treated was wrong. There are problems in all relationships but if someone wants it to work, they would make it work.

Was that the issue or did you choose to settle for scraps because of the benefits - he seemed like a trophy and unreachable so it was a challenge and you felt you had what it took to convince him to desire you and want you.  A little older, obviously bright and ambitious, likely good looking, etc. 

When I was your age I fell for an "unavailable to me' man like that.  I was bowled over and I did what you did.  Guess what - he did end up falling for me a few years later.  After a few breakups - we met when he was 22 and I was 23.  But by then I knew I'd be lonely in a marriage to him -he was just too distant -so he proposed and I declined. 

Every case is different but I found out 10 years later why he all of a sudden wanted me.  He was fighting with all his heart his feelings that he was actually gay.  I never saw any signs -the opposite actually.  But he was telling himself if he and I married he could be "normal" or lead a double life.  He told me ten years later that he was gay.  I figured out the rest on my own (no, he'd never cheated on me or been with a man until after we ended things). 

He's been with his partner for over 20 years and happily married for many years.  Obviously this is unusual.  In my case I married an ex fiancee who I was not that into and had doubts about when we were engaged the first time.  But we got back together almost 8 years later after so much had changed.  But also I actually did love him the first time around we dated, I did think I wanted to marry him, I made a mistake in getting engaged. 

In your case I think your boyfriend was a lot of talk at first but never really got there with his heart or with his desire to give to you the way people do in healthful romantic relationships.  And it was a turn off to see you jumping every time he beckoned and twisting yourself in a sleep deprived pretzel to anticipate his every need.  I really do not think you were naive.  I think you benefited by never having to be totally vulnerable with him because he was unreachable and unavailable to you. 

Just consider it.  I'm sorry he blocked you and I actually think it's ultimately for the best even though it hurts now.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Bz77 said:

I stayed with him for the potential which is so stupid, I ignored all the red flag from the beginning. He told me he broke up with his ex of 7 years because she put on some weight, made it clear he would do the same thing to me so I was always very cautious about what I ate. He told me he would leave whoever he is married to if they can't have children so I started worrying about not being to give him what he wants. I knew all of this before getting into a relationship but I was too stupid to realise they were red flags.

Now you know. He is abusive. And please stop calling yourself stupid. You are not stupid. Don't waste your energy and self-esteem belittling yourself. Break this pattern dating or seeking people like this. This will be all that matters as you move forward.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Now you know. He is abusive. And please stop calling yourself stupid. You are not stupid. Don't waste your energy and self-esteem belittling yourself. Break this pattern dating or seeking people like this. This will be all that matters as you move forward.

Yes, with this additional information my sense is that he was not that into you AND he likes being the one in control so he can walk away and not have a strong attachment.  Yes you dodged a bullet and also why would you want to be with someone with so little regard for other humans?

[boltnrun]

Each time he treated you poorly you ran after him and begged for more. As a result he doesn't respect you. And without respect there cannot possibly be any love.

Take some time to think about why you wanted so badly for him to love you. Not just on the surface ("But I LOVE him!!") but the honest, deep down reason why you thought you loved and wanted someone who so obviously didn't feel the same way. It's important.

[Andrina]

Please stay alone until you do value yourself. Read books and even get therapy if possible on how to get a healthy self esteem. If you don't, you will continue to select and attract inappropriate men. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. You chose to be neglected because you don't think you're worthy of anything more. The psyche is complex. A woman who has a healthy self esteem will make a quick exit when her major needs aren't being met. Nagging, begging, voicing upsetting concerns on a regular basis never happens--is never necessary when you're in the right relationship with someone who makes you a priority.

He never wanted longterm. He could clearly see he'd get what he wanted from you with minuscule effort from himself, and then when what he wanted was overridden by the price of you complaining, he bailed.

As Dr. Phil says, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. The guy has a pattern of bailing. At least 3 times in a 12 month period. The guy verbally abused you and neglected you. This would happen in the future as well.

At a period in life when I thought I'd boosted my self esteem, I really hadn't. I also spent a year with someone who didn't value me and he broke up with me. I, too, was devastated and begged for 2nd chance. It took me at least a good 4 months of mourning. And when he did text at that point, I'd had enough time and distance away to shake my head at why I'd stayed and why I'd wanted him back. When he texted, I think he was feeling sorry for himself because he was supposedly sick with the flu. I felt empowered to let him know I'd moved on and had no interest in speaking to him again.

His text did set me back to square one in healing and stirred up extreme emotions. Don't let your ex bring up all that in you again. Block him from calling you to bring on your closure for a quicker healing process.

If you learn from this, it's not all in vain. Vow to never again put more effort than you get. Vow to never be with anyone who strikes fear in you that he will leave you for shallow nonsense. Make a dealbreaker list and a must have list and stick to it. 

The man I met 10 months after this break up became my wonderful husband who does make me a priority. Today is his birthday but I feel like I got the present I deserved in life.

[Bz77]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Was that the issue or did you choose to settle for scraps because of the benefits - he seemed like a trophy and unreachable so it was a challenge and you felt you had what it took to convince him to desire you and want you.  A little older, obviously bright and ambitious, likely good looking, etc.

I don't think this was the case. He was the one who wanted me, who chased me and made an effort initially, which made me committed him, but this all changed within a few months of being in a relationship or maybe I was too in love to notice the changes earlier on. I am in the same field as him and doing as well as him despite the age gap, I think I enjoyed being with someone who did the same thing as much, which meant we had a lot in common and also was doing well for himself, I moved to a new country 10 years ago, I was happy to have found someone who was from the same place as me which meant the culture was similar, which made things so much easier in the relationship. I am an anxious person, I always worried that I was going to lose him and I will be hurt, I thought by doing so much for him, this would never happen, I am giver, I probably do too much for everyone and did more for him than anyone else as I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I have learnt from this mistake, I should do favours and nice for someone It is probably for the best I got deleted. 

I just dont get why he wasnt honest with me, why say you definitely want to meet up again, just want no contact for some time and maybe we will get back together. He definitely knew what he wanted then. 

39 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Now you know. He is abusive. And please stop calling yourself stupid. You are not stupid. Don't waste your energy and self-esteem belittling yourself. Break this pattern dating or seeking people like this. This will be all that matters as you move forward.

I regret ignoring the red flags, I wish i spoke to friends and family about the way I was getting treated so I would have been made aware that it wasn't normal.

 

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you dodged a bullet and also why would you want to be with someone with so little regard for other humans?

Thank you, you are right.

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, Bz77 said:

I just dont get why he wasnt honest with me, why say you definitely want to meet up again, just want no contact for some time and maybe we will get back together. He definitely knew what he wanted then. 

It is for the same reason people enter and back out of agreements or relationships that are no longer convenient. He likely said it out of convenience. Try not to put so much stock on someone's words especially if they have proven unreliable in the past. You were blindsided so these reactions and feelings are normal. He's not what you thought he was. Keep repeating that to yourself. The way you think of him has to change. You haven't fully caught up to that yet and it'll take time. 

[DancingFool]

I think this relationship is a bundle of harsh lessons you needed to learn so you can figure out how to choose a loving and caring partner in the future.

Liars exist and since you are a kind and giving person, you'll attract a lot of liars and users and manipulators. It's on you to develop healthy boundaries and learn to recognize bs and run from that instead of running toward it. For example, when I hear future talk, my bs meter goes off the charts. It may be cute sometimes, but overall, I never buy it and instead watch the guy's actions and character. Basically, I observe the present.

How a guy is treating you right now is what matters. Early on, everyone puts their best foot forward, so looking back on how it was when you met is pointless. Future talk is bs. Right now, today if the guy is not treating you well, is being abusive, or selfish, or a user, or all of the above - you are looking at his true face and it will never change. If you don't like what you are seeing, dump him immediately and never look back.

I have a personal rule that once you break up, it's over as in permanent. It will save you a lot of grief and toxic on/off games. It doesn't matter how much he begs you or tells you it was a mistake - he showed you his temper and again, pay attention and walk away.

Someone who comes on hot and heavy chasing is another red flag. It's not an indication of love, it's games.

Healthy people look for and focus on reciprocation where neither person is the mule pulling the whole cart by themselves. He does things for you, you for him - there is overall consistency. Also, as someone else pointed out - in a good relationship you will never beg, plead, cajole, bargain and so on for your partner to meet at least some of your needs. You will meet each other's needs because you both give and compromise and accommodate each other naturally. Note - BOTH consistently so. 

Basically, if a guy isn't treating you well every day, don't stick around and waste your time and don't make excuses for why he isn't doing it. Decent people are decent all the time and that's the biggest lesson I hope you take away from this.

[Bz77]

23 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Read books and even get therapy if possible on how to get a healthy self esteem.

I have started getting therapy since the break up as I felt destroyed after the break up. I did think I deserved how I was getting treated and never thought I deserved better.

25 minutes ago, Andrina said:

A woman who has a healthy self esteem will make a quick exit when her major needs aren't being met. Nagging, begging, voicing upsetting concerns on a regular basis never happens

I really wish I left instead of nagging him, you are right if I had valued myself, I would have left him months ago. How forgiving and understanding I was might be attractive to someone who loved me and was caring towards me too but he probably found it unattractive and him see me weak, which I was.

 

31 minutes ago, Andrina said:

past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. The guy has a pattern of bailing. At least 3 times in a 12 month period. The guy verbally abused you and neglected you.

He told me he broke up with his ex many times. I shouldnt have ignored this. 

@Andrina I am sorry you went through a similar situation and it is so nice to hear you found someone 10 months later and things worked out for you. 

[Bz77]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

I think this relationship is a bundle of harsh lessons you needed to learn so you can figure out how to choose a loving and caring partner in the future.

Liars exist and since you are a kind and giving person, you'll attract a lot of liars and users and manipulators. It's on you to develop healthy boundaries and learn to recognize bs and run from that instead of running toward it. For example, when I hear future talk, my bs meter goes off the charts. It may be cute sometimes, but overall, I never buy it and instead watch the guy's actions and character. Basically, I observe the present.

How a guy is treating you right now is what matters. Early on, everyone puts their best foot forward, so looking back on how it was when you met is pointless. Future talk is bs. Right now, today if the guy is not treating you well, is being abusive, or selfish, or a user, or all of the above - you are looking at his true face and it will never change. If you don't like what you are seeing, dump him immediately and never look back.

I have a personal rule that once you break up, it's over as in permanent. It will save you a lot of grief and toxic on/off games. It doesn't matter how much he begs you or tells you it was a mistake - he showed you his temper and again, pay attention and walk away.

Someone who comes on hot and heavy chasing is another red flag. It's not an indication of love, it's games.

Healthy people look for and focus on reciprocation where neither person is the mule pulling the whole cart by themselves. He does things for you, you for him - there is overall consistency. Also, as someone else pointed out - in a good relationship you will never beg, plead, cajole, bargain and so on for your partner to meet at least some of your needs. You will meet each other's needs because you both give and compromise and accommodate each other naturally. Note - BOTH consistently so. 

Basically, if a guy isn't treating you well every day, don't stick around and waste your time and don't make excuses for why he isn't doing it. Decent people are decent all the time and that's the biggest lesson I hope you take away from this.

Thank you for this. I have learnt a lot from the relationship. I won't believe any future talk until the day of the wedding. Actions speak louder than words. Too much damage has been done even he wanted to get back together and wanted to be the perfect partner. It is best I improve myself, don't repeat previous mistakes in future relationships and move on. Although I am worried I won't find someone I love again, it is probably healthier for me to find someone who I love less who treats me well and can make me happy.

He always talked to me about feeling like he is behind in life as his friends are all either married or in serious relationships, he was determined to have kids before he is 30. This is probably why he pretended to want a serious relationship with me. I feel like he is not gonna care who he's with as long as she doesn't have any needs in the relationship and is willing to have kids with him.

He always told me after he completes his PHD he will see more, he will make more effort, he will be less stressed so will be nicer. This kept me going, I thought one day he is going to meet my needs. I never considered that after his studies, he is going to find a job and will probably be stressed again. There is more work pressure on me than there is on him but I never behaved like him. I met all of his needs and he met 10% of my needs.

 

 

[Bz77]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

It is for the same reason people enter and back out of agreements or relationships that are no longer convenient. He likely said it out of convenience. Try not to put so much stock on someone's words especially if they have proven unreliable in the past. You were blindsided so these reactions and feelings are normal. He's not what you thought he was. Keep repeating that to yourself. The way you think of him has to change. You haven't fully caught up to that yet and it'll take time

Thank you for this, I needed to hear this. I will keep repeating it to myself. He didn't stick to his words whilst dating me, he is not going to stick to his words now. He owes me nothing now. Speaking on here has made me realise he didn't even try to be a good partner and that has made me feel a lot better about everything. 

I have deleted all the old conversations put anything that reminded of him in a box away from my sight, I going to delete old photos today. I need to move ASAP so I can focus on my work and studies like is. 

[boltnrun]

That's a good plan. Your future is about you, not him.