Turkish girl a lot less communicative but still agreeing to dates. Is she still interested?

[boltnrun]

If she has to "change" to be right for you, she's wrong for you. Hoping she will give up her expensive partying ways is not wise. Who she is now is who she is.

You're willing to finance her partying and are a pushover when she changes plans from quiet to expensive dinner and drinking. No wonder she's enthusiastic.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, viking37 said:

She does text me an awful lot and is seeing me at least twice a week so she must be starting to feel a growing bond 

This would be a restless mind to me, texting "an awful lot". Enjoy her company but I don't think this is going to work out. The circumstances are not showing that she's on the same page you are.

[jazz_lover]

Yeah maybe she just enjoys the attention company and of course financial benefits of being with me. I thought things would change after we slept together but after the afterglow faded she’s not really displayed any genuine emotion or affection towards me. Will try to emotionally detach and just enjoy it for what it is
 

[MissCanuck]

I would enjoy the ride, but understand that this is not going to last. 

You two are incompatible on some fundamental levels. 

[jazz_lover]

OK some definite red flags last night:

I sidestepped the expensive dinner idea she suggested and took her somewhere simpler but she said she skipped breakfast only had a salad for lunch and was starving and promptly ordered appetizers, mins and dessert and a bottle of wine. I said she had a tiring work week so after dinner we could maybe do something chilled. She said she is fine and wants to blow off some steam and have some fun with me. So I take her to a cocktail bar with a cool DJ.

It starts off fun we are singing along to the music, she is kissing me and smiling and laughing. I go to get her another drink and come back to find her talking to the two guys sitting next to us. She says I couldn't get phone connection so made some new friends and introduced them to me. I get stuck talking with the married unattractive guy she continues talking to the handsome guy who seems to be unattached. Luckily after half an hour or so they leave. 

But then she notices a group of lads clowning around and dancing in a silly way and starts laughing at them and wants to talk to them. It is a loud bar so she has to get close to talk to them and I notice she is tactile and even at one point gives one of them a friendly hug. Naturally none of the guys want to talk to me and she doesn't seem to notice they are excluding me and paying her all the attention. She offers to buy me a drink and goes to the bar and a few of the guys follow her and talk to her in line. I am just sat at our table on my own feeling like an idiot. The queue isn't moving and I'm tired and fed up so I tap her on the shoulder and tell her I am leaving and she can either come with me or continue having fun with her new friends. She runs after me all apologetic and says she is sorry she made me uncomfortable and she was just trying to make new friends and got carried away and she is extroverted and it is how she is and she didn't mean to be rude. She said she wasn't interested in any of those guys and came with me and of course was going to leave with me. She said the guys were asking about me and she wasn't sure how to define us so she said we were friends and they were trying to ask her back to their houseshare and she said she'd only come if I was invited too. Then she said we can get out of here and I could spend some time alone with her in her room.

Then on the bus home she asks if I've ever been in love, how long my last relationship was, what my type is and so on. And talks about her ex and how he was jealous of her male friends and always putting her down and tells me this weird story about how after a month her ex had already secretly chosen the engagement ring and he was from a wealthy family and always buying her gifts and they knew within a few months they would get married. Also she made a comment about the cold weather and would I keep her warm this winter. My head is spinning at this point. 

Anyway we get back to hers. She says she wants me to F her. Says she loves my manhood and could really get used to it. The sex is very good and I bring her to orgasm. She then asks me to leave because she doesn't want her flatmates to see me in the morning. I say to her that I'm not some random guy and she's been seeing me for almost two months and her housemates will understand she is occasionally going to have male company. Again she says she doesn't know what we are and doesn't feel ready yet to have me sleep over. I bow out at 5am and make my way home in a daze.

She is probably still expecting to see me tonight which was the original plan. But I'm not taking her anywhere near a bar and feel she is taking advantage with the dinners ordering 3 courses and bottles of wine. And of course she probably doesn't feel ready for a quiet night in at mine or hers.

I'd be OK just having fun with her if she showed me a bit more respect and wasn't abusing my financial generosity. It feels a bit wrong to be paying for everything if this is just about good times and sex for her which I am sure she will eventually get bored of with me or want to try with someone better than me. 

But it feels like I'm playing the provider role and courting her and entertaining her while she is just taking me for a ride and does not have any genuine feelings or serious intent towards me. I'm also affectionate towards her and give her my undivided attention and show in different ways I care about her e.g. escorting her home after every date to make sure she gets home safe, picking her up from the airport, listening to her as she talks about what is going on at work etc. So she must know that I like her. She pretty much admitted as much telling me last weekend she slept with me because she felt she could trust me and I was reliable and consistent. 

I originally thought if I continue to show her a good time and we get to know each other better she would develop feelings and want something with me. And it did feel last weekend like she was bonding to me. But last night was a massive step back and I am not sure I can trust her if I know that every time she goes to a bar she wants to flirt with guys and be the centre of the attention especially as on other occasions Im not there so she has the freedom to do whatever she wants. And even if she is innocent and just looking to make friends it seems very naive of her to imagine she can make friends with guys in bars especially as she knows full well how pretty she is. 

[dias]

42 minutes ago, viking37 said:

as she knows full well how pretty she is. 

That would have been my next question. It explains why she can be so rude and still have guys around her. 

Sorry mate but it's not mutual. Even if you see her for fun, it's not worth it, she was very disrespectful. It's one thing spending money on her and it's another leaving you to talk to other guys when you are on a date. Even if you were just friends, it's rude. Personally I would have left early on. 

At least you say the sex was good, that's something but not enough. 

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, viking37 said:

She said the guys were asking about me and she wasn't sure how to define us so she said we were friends and they were trying to ask her back to their houseshare and she said she'd only come if I was invited too.

Urgh. 

I changed my mind, that one indeed just wants to have fun and will discard you first chance somebody better comes along. Otherwise she at least wouldnt hide you when you go out and from the roomates. Worst of all she will find replacement while you are there lol

Some would maybe said that its OK since you are not exclusive and not defined. No. Its straight up disrespectful. Dont let her "pull you through your nose", if she wants to meet guys, dump her and let her do it on her own. Like this, you are just being used until next one comes along.

Also this

1 hour ago, viking37 said:

And talks about her ex and how he was jealous of her male friends and always putting her down and tells me this weird story about how after a month her ex had already secretly chosen the engagement ring and he was from a wealthy family and always buying her gifts and they knew within a few months they would get married. Also she made a comment about the cold weather and would I keep her warm this winter.

is straight up manipulation. "You arent like my ex and jealous on my friends, arent you? You need to buy me gifts if you want something. Will you keep me warm at night, wink wink?"

OK, last one is more flirting but it goes along with first two.

[Batya33]

You're not being financially generous.  And she knows exactly what she is doing (and I've been out with a couple of guys who took advantage of my financial generosity as you put it and it doesn't feel good).

You've been trying to  buy her approval and choosing not to say "no" or "sorry I can't afford this right now so if you want to order a bottle of wine we can split it this time, ok?" I would never have stuck around other than maybe to offer to take her home/make sure she could get home safely.  She was out to hang out with others not you, to meet others, not you and you were there to fund her socializing.  And then leave with her so she could get some at the end of the night.  It's gross.  I'd also get checked for STDs and know that if she gets pregnant she'd probably assume it was yours and not act in any reasonable way about it.  She's not a class act.

Be financially generous by giving that money you otherwise would spend on her to charity (or spend it on yourself!).  I'm sorry you are tolerating this and hope you make a different choice in who to date.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey viking,

Although I take a very different view of this woman from other posters here,　I do now believe you are fundamentally incompatible. You should do the honorable thing and end the relationship with this woman, such that it is, now. 

Honestly, I think a lot of the issues your are encounter stem from your own lack of self-confidence, communication issues, and social/relationship anxiety. I am reluctant to elaborate further now, but can do so if you want. 

Best of luck,

T

[boltnrun]

I don't think anyone is surprised.  We all said she wanted you to fund her party lifestyle and well, you sure seem to be doing that.

Why, if you wanted "chilled", did you take her to a bar with a DJ?  That's about as opposite of chilled as you can get.

Are you still having "fun"?  If so, of course continue on.  But it doesn't seem like you're having much fun.

Incompatible, IMO.  You two want something completely different.

BTW, she seems to be saying just enough to keep you pulling out your wallet, such as you keeping her warm in the cold weather.  You seem to leap on that, but look at everything else you have to put up with.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, viking37 said:

She pretty much admitted as much telling me last weekend she slept with me because she felt she could trust me and I was reliable and consistent. 

She's a bimbo. You know this. She treats you like a wallet while she cruises for other men.

[Rose Mosse]

Just go your separate ways. There's no sense anymore in disappointing yourself further or getting involved with someone who doesn't know how to date or treat others well. 

[MissCanuck]

My guy, she is just not that into you. 

Stop wasting your time and feelings on her. She isn't going to stick around. 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

My guy, she is just not that into you. 

Stop wasting your time and feelings on her. She isn't going to stick around. 

Time, feelings AND money. This woman will empty your bank account (with your enthusiastic approval) and all you'll get out of it is being ignored while allegedly on a date and some casual sex followed by getting kicked out early in the morning because she doesn't want her roommates to know about you.

My brother tried to buy his ex wife's love. She pretended to love him while she got him to buy her expensive luxuries and pay her debts. He went along with it because deep down inside he knew if he didn't shell out the money she wouldn't want to be with him. Once she got all the $$ she wanted out of him she left him. He ended up with a significantly decreased bank balance and a huge tax debt, not to mention a broken heart. Don't make the same mistake.

[dias]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

with your enthusiastic approval

[jazz_lover]

Yeah I think you guys are right. I pinned a lot of hope on the fact she said I was the first guy she slept with since her divorce assuming it signified I meant something to her and also that she is always talking about future plans and we are seeing so much of each other. 

Starting to think she is more promiscuous than she makes out after seeing how flirty she is in bars. And of course she is making future plans knowing I’m now paying for them and drinking and socialising seem huge parts of her lifestyle whereas they are not priorities for me.

It is a shame because outside of bars we seem to really connect and talk and laugh and time flies. But in the bar she seems like a different kind of person. 

 

[boltnrun]

33 minutes ago, viking37 said:

It is a shame because outside of bars we seem to really connect and talk and laugh and time flies. But in the bar she seems like a different kind of person.

And she wants to be in the bar.  She seems to love that lifestyle.

Either you want to be the one who pays for her partying or you don't.  If you stay with her, she will expect you to pay.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, viking37 said:

But in the bar she seems like a different kind of person.

She isn't different - this is just another facet of her. It's part of who she is and what she enjoys. It's part of the total package. You can't have a relationship with who someone is only in specific contexts. 

8 hours ago, viking37 said:

she said I was the first guy she slept with since her divorce assuming it signified I meant something to her

You assigned a lot more emotional significance to that than she did. For all you know, it might not even be true. But even if it is, it doesn't mean she slept with you because she has deeper feelings for you. It might simply be that she's ready to get back out there, and you were the first guy within reach. 

At the end of the day, it's clear that this isn't a match. 

[Jibralta]

I just think you're loading this whole thing with an incredible amount of assumptions and expectations at less than two months in.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, viking37 said:

Yeah I think you guys are right. I pinned a lot of hope on the fact she said I was the first guy she slept with since her divorce assuming it signified I meant something to her and also that she is always talking about future plans and we are seeing so much of each other. 

Starting to think she is more promiscuous than she makes out after seeing how flirty she is in bars. And of course she is making future plans knowing I’m now paying for them and drinking and socialising seem huge parts of her lifestyle whereas they are not priorities for me.

It is a shame because outside of bars we seem to really connect and talk and laugh and time flies. But in the bar she seems like a different kind of person. 

 

She's not a different person at all.  I agree with the other poster.  She chooses to be in that environment, chooses to drink, chooses the consequences, flirting -not just harmless flirting.  Here's how I always knew I was special to someone who I was going to have sex with -we were already in love, had been dating for months (usually 4-5, twice only two), we were an exclusive couple with serious potential for marriage or at least had the same general goals of marriage (mostly the former, a few  the latter).  Still no guarantees but by waiting and having those situations in place I felt comfortable. 

On the other hand some find casual sex fun and enjoyable - but you can't have both -meaning I wouldn't start reading into signs or words like "you're the first one since my divorce" because even if true this person and you are not in a committed relationship and in fact she showed you right before you had intercourse that she was comfortable coming on to other men in front of you during a date with you -watch the feet -the actions, not the lips.  

 

[jazz_lover]

Mm well I give up now. She still wanted to meet on Saturday and pushed to do dinner and the Peruvian rainforest themed bar. I said I was tired and just wanted to do dinner. She agreed but the mood was a bit flat. She offered me her cheek at the beginning and end of the date and seemed quite moody. I must have shown my disappointment because after I dropped her off she texted me saying "Sorry I was tired from the other night".  I said it was OK and I was tired too. 

We texted a bit on Sunday but she wasn't as chatty as usual. Monday morning she texts me asking about our DNA tests which we'd sent off and where she could find a harry potter notebook i sent her a photo of. I mentioned a jazz concert we'd seen advertized and said it looks good and I definitely want to go. She said "Let's go then" and when i said i'd booked she said she'd buy drinks and I said that's a nice gesture and then heard nothing from her. Usually she'll continue or restart conversations. 

Tonight I saw some Mexican Day of the Dead dancing and sent her a video. She replied "Nice dear :)" I waited to see if she'd say anything more and when she didn't asked her if she'd been up to anything exciting or just work work work. She said "Meh feeling a bit down tbh went out with my alumni group but came home early as have a busy day tomorrow. Hope u had a good day" So I just said "Sorry to hear that let me know when you are feeling better and work quietens down" and she didn't bother replying to that. 

Feels as though she is giving me the brush off. And this weekend was a bit exhausting with the crazy bar antics and then the bad date the next day. And yeah just doesnt feel as if she is that interested.

No idea why she agreed to the jazz concert next Friday. But I guess I better find someone else to take. 

Thanks for all your advice. Probably better off finding someone who likes me and has a lower key lifestyle. 

[Batya33]

I'm truly shocked you decided to interact with her after your last encounter.  You signed up for this, you know all the risks so please don't be surprised at how she is treating you.  It's consistent with all you should know about her.

[boltnrun]

Why do you keep trying to force this to work?

All the time you're wasting trying to get this woman to be compatible with you could be spent finding a woman you wouldn't have to hope will "change" or wonder if she likes you.

You have very little time invested. I think it's time to realize she's the wrong one.

And before you ask "but why would she agree to go to the concert?" it's because she knows she can get you to open your wallet and pay for expensive dinners and drinks while she flirts with other men. She thinks you're a mark or a patsy.

Time to prove her wrong, if only to yourself.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

It's not working out. On top of that you're passive aggressive with the comments about work work work or expecting her to entertain you via text. Why isn't her state of mind feeling tired or down acceptable to you? You wanted low key but you seem too insecure for low key at this point because of how events unfolded. You need her to be all over you to feel good about the situation, to make up for the instances where she didn't treat you where you felt you ought to be treated (which is fair). 

If you're not feeling good about this anymore.. best to go your separate ways now. You're just not on the same wavelength. 

 

[MissCanuck]

OP, why are you bothering with her anymore?

She is clearly not as into this as you are.