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Turkish girl a lot less communicative but still agreeing to dates. Is she still interested?


viking37
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I've been dating this Turkish girl for a month. At the beginning she was very communicative initiating most of the texts, keeping the conversation going and calling me dear and darling and talking a lot about future plans etc. And on our first few dates the time just seemed to fly by and we fell into a rhythm of eating, drinking, talking, walking and a lot of kissing. It felt very natural like we'd known each other a long time. 

She went on holiday for a week and a half back to her country. But instead of a drop off in communication she stepped it up photobombing me with photos from her trip and texting me every day and very much leading the conversation. I was flattered by all the attention so had no problem agreeing when she asked me to pick her up from the airport on Monday. But while she was grateful for my help she seemed a little bit cool towards me. But when I brought the bags up to her top floor flat she made me some tea and chatted to me a bit while she unpacked and was talking about future plans mentioning the bond movie and cocktail week and so on. And she continued to text me that evening and the next morning and booked us tickets for the weekend.

She went a bit quiet later in the week but I assumed she was just catching up on work after her holiday and texted her Friday afternoon. She said I had promised to take her out for cocktails and was I free that night. I was a bit surprised as we already had movie tickets booked for Saturday afternoon but agreed. She said she was exhausted and couldn't stay out long but we stayed out well past midnight. The chemistry didn't feel as good but we were kissing and laughing and having a good time. She mentioned a few times that no one else in the bar was kissing. That hadn't bothered her on earlier dates. But I told her that it was a cocktail bar on a Friday night and no one cared. We got talking a bit about previous relationships and sex and so on. And I took a gamble and said that as we already had plans to see the movie Saturday afternoon why not extend the date and spend the night together. She lives with roommates and I live with my brother so I said given it was midnight it would be easier to book a hotel. She said she didn't have pyjamas or a toothbrush but might be willing to do the following night after her housewarming party but she wasn't sure and would let me know. I said that's fine and offered to take her home. But from that point on she was on a mission to get home figuring out which bus to take and then walking at breakneck speed from the bus stop to her home. I kissed her goodnight but she didn't respond with any enthusiasm and didn't linger at all. I made a joke about how fast she was walking saying she was marching like a soldier but she said it was 2am and she was tired and that was all so I let it go. 

We met for the movie the next day and things seemed OK. Although again I sensed a bit of distance and coolness from her. After the movie she said we could hang out for a few hours before her housewarming party. So I dropped her off at the party. I didn't hear anything from her so Sunday afternoon dropped her a text commenting on the beautiful weather. We exchanged a few texts but she let it drop rather than keeping things going the way she usually does. I hear nothing from her on Monday so Tuesday I drop her a text. She says she isn't feeling well so is working from home. I said to let me know when she is feeling better. She asked what I will do when she writes me to say she is feeling better. I said I'd ask her out of course. She joked "Ahh thinking about your self-interest". She then sent me a link to a concert and asked if I was interested. I said sure. She said "I suppose you'll expect me to pay for the tickets again". I said "Of course not. I can take care of it". She said "OK it wouldn't be nice now I have told you to but maybe you can ask me out sometime or we can continue as is but then no hotel etc lol". I asked her what she meant and she said she was confused that I never offered to pay for anything until the hotel. I tried to explain I was used to European girls and it wasn't clear whether we were dating or hanging out because she often refers to me as her friend. She said she tries to understand where I am coming from but she has dated European men and offering to pay is a signal you kind of want to treat a woman. I said that she was right and of course I liked her and wanted to treat her and would make it up to her. She said if you are just saying that so we can go to the hotel we can do that regardless. It should be something coming from inside you. So we may have a different approach. She then said she talking about it was getting on her nerves and I should let her rest and to enjoy the rest of my evening. 

Anyway I hear absolutely nothing from her since Tuesday evening and get fed up waiting for her to text so texted her on Saturday suggesting we go to a jazz concert midweek. She takes hours to respond but then says "Sure looks good". I asked if I should book and she said "Sure we can go I think". I booked the tickets and she said "Perfect thanks" and I said "You're welcome". But instead of continuing the conversation asking how my weekend was again radio silence the whole of Sunday and nothing today either. 

I do not really know what to make of it. She used to be very communicative and seemed to enjoy telling me about her day and what was happening at work and her social plans and so on and now I am initiating all the texts and she just gives the bare minimum replies and makes no effort to make conversation. So I do not even know why she agreed to go out with me to the jazz concert especially as she knows I've booked tickets making it difficult for her to cancel. I have no problem paying for dates going forward if that makes her happy and she is interested in me but if she cannot be bothered to make an effort to stay in touch I am worried that she just plans to use me for free entertainment. And even if I do pay going forward I am worried she might hold it against me that I didn't offer to pay from the start and figure I am only now offering to pay to please her or because I want to sleep with her.

What is the best way to play this? It definitely feels like her interest has cooled so not sure how to turn it around and I do not like feeling I am chasing and much preferred it when she was also initiating texts and keeping the conversation going and staying in touch between dates. 

 

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I dunno how her nationality plays into it as she does seem more "european", but yes, if you are aluding to that, Turkish girl are a bit more on conservative side. As seen by her uncomfortness to kiss in public. So your proposition about the hotel probably didnt bode too well with her. Add to that that she seems really bothered by you not paying for dates(as she probably got used to the guys doing that) and you see the issue where she thinks that you dont want to treat her well unless sex is on the table. I am not saying that is true, just that she sees it in that way.

So, her interest is fading. Good news is that she still wants to date. So, try to spark it. Cool it with physical stuff and focus more on her. Be more attentive during dates and see how she behaves. If you see that she is still cold, just break it off. There is no point in maintaining the relationship if you will just be there to take her out on stuff just because there is nobody else there to do it at the moment.

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2 hours ago, viking37 said:

I've been dating this Turkish girl for a month.

why not extend the date and spend the night together.

She said "I suppose you'll expect me to pay for the tickets again". maybe you can ask me out sometime or we can continue as is but then no hotel etc lol". She then said  talking about it was getting on her nerves

What is the best way to play this

How old is she?  You need to Stop "playing this".

That's precisely why she cooled off. You're trying way to hard to get in her pants and she sees this.

It's 30 days dating.  You're completely incompatible. She's looking for a respectful exclusive BF who she can get to know and and you're looking to go to motels asap. 

You're jumping the gun and coming across like every other horndog out there.🌭

 

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She's 32 years old. Recently divorced and just moved to London a few months ago.

But yeah I can totally understand how my hotel proposition made me seem like a selfish jerk. And the stupid thing is I actually like her and think she is girlfriend material. 

But yeah makes sense to back off physically. I've paid for the tickets to the jazz concert on Tuesday and I will buy her dinner as well. Hopefully that will make some amends. 

Still not quite sure what to do about the texting. I am guessing unless she warms to me again she isn't going to make conversation. So easier to give her some more space and confirm on the day. And then show her a nice time without trying to make any moves on her and hope that she will give me some credit and see I am trying to make it up to her. 

Is this a kind of situation that can be turned around if I cool off and let her get comfortable with me again? My worry is that first impressions do count and she will hold it against me and consider that my refusal to offer to pay early on and my indecent proposition rule me out as potential boyfriend material and she will just keep seeing me until she meets someone better. 

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Is maybe just too much, too fast.  You are asking her to do so much with you, she hardly gets a breath, being only one month.

Plus, she went away for a week and is recently out of a relationship?

Yeah, cool it down with expectations.  Let her breathe a little and see IF she does reach out some.  Is always exciting in the beginning and is common for things to 'cool down' a bit.

But, if you keep at her , she will back away.  

Sometimes, when freshly out of a relationship, someone isn't mentally or emotionally 'ready' to jump into that again. They are more for hanging out & letting their hair down.  They don't always want to be hassled with expectations.

So, give it a few more days & see IF she reaches out to you.  I'm sure, in time you will see if she is truly interested in continuing this with you.

If not, you brush this one under the rug & move on.

 

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1 hour ago, viking37 said:

My worry is that first impressions do count and she will hold it against me and consider that my refusal to offer to pay early on and my indecent proposition rule me out as potential boyfriend material and she will just keep seeing me until she meets someone better. 

At 30 days dating, it's always possible that things don't pan out for whatever reasons.

Especially if there are already miscommunications, cultural misunderstandings, a mismatch in expectations and neither of you have your own place for any sort of privacy.

Just lay back, see how it goes and if things keep stalling just move forward.

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There is nothing sexier about a man than self-restraint and the hotel suggestion blew it out of the water. I think you were expecting to segway smoothly into some privacy and intimacy with her but it ended up feeling cheap and dirty because it was last minute and unplanned.

Did you pay for the movie tickets or reimburse her for both or at least your ticket? What did you do while you both "hung out" before the housewarming party? Did you plan anything in advance or take her out to a lunch or early dinner? 

Either way, enjoy the concert but plan something nice beforehand as well. Have a little finesse. This may smooth over only if you make the effort and avoid any suggestions for hotel sex.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Well she texted me today to confirm what time we are meeting tomorrow so I guess that is a good sign. And yeah I will take her somewhere nice for dinner beforehand. Although not sure how fancy as I’m worried it will be too obvious I’m overcompensating and raise her suspicions. 
 

I didn’t pay for the movie tickets but I paid for all the refreshments. And when I picked her up from the airport I paid for the taxi back to her home. After the movie we walked in the park and she suggested we get some food and we split the bill. 

And yeah I won’t be suggesting hotels again. 
 



 

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38 minutes ago, viking37 said:

I didn’t pay for the movie tickets but I paid for all the refreshments.

And yeah I won’t be suggesting hotels again. 

Good sign. Sounds fair if you split costs or alternate treating. Good call to slow your roll on the motel thing. If things go well the time will come.

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3 hours ago, viking37 said:

Well she texted me today to confirm what time we are meeting tomorrow so I guess that is a good sign. And yeah I will take her somewhere nice for dinner beforehand. Although not sure how fancy as I’m worried it will be too obvious I’m overcompensating and raise her suspicions. 
 

I didn’t pay for the movie tickets but I paid for all the refreshments. And when I picked her up from the airport I paid for the taxi back to her home. After the movie we walked in the park and she suggested we get some food and we split the bill. 

And yeah I won’t be suggesting hotels again. 
 



 

Sounds good. Don't stress out about it and treat her with respect. Expect the same in return. I hope you both have fun and enjoy the dinner and concert.

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Well the evening went very differently from how I expected. We went for dinner and she was relaxed and friendly and laughing at all my jokes and very touchy feely. I kept my hands to myself and I paid for everything and generally tried to be the classy guy. Throughout the jazz she was very flirty and even more touchy feely and once we left the jazz club I kissed her and she responded very passionately and I could tell she wanted me. 

I took her home  (we live near by so it is kinda on my way) and after some more kissing she invited me upstairs. We kissed and things obviously got hot and heavy. But because I had too much to drink and was a bit tired and maybe a bit nervous too I could not get hard enough to penetrate her. She seemed quite understanding and said we could try another time but probably disappointed as she said she was ready for me and wanted me. And on our last date she mentioned she hadn't slept with a man in a very long time. Not sure if that is true or not but generally she is pretty honest so I am inclined to believe her and hoping it means she didn't invite me back to hers on an impulse but because she likes me and my willingness to treat her tonight cleared some of her reservations about me that had been holding her back.  

I couldnt stay because she had work tomorrow and didnt want her flatmates to see she had company. But after I left she texted me to thank me for the lovely night. 

And really it was a lovely night all except for my failure in the bedroom. Do you think that would put her off or would she just understand and give me another chance when she feels ready again? Obviously alcohol was a factor although she is a big girl who can control her drink and she knew exactly what she was doing but it probably lowered her inhibitions.   But I don'tthink she is the type to sleep around and wouldn't offer herself to me unless she liked me. 

On the subway home we were talking about how we haven't been out in a particular area in a while and she said we could go together this Friday. Assume that offer still stands. Obviously I won'r think that just because I ended up in her bedroom tonight that sex would be on the table again. 

But I am just worried that she might that my flop in the bedroom is a sign that we aren't right for each other and make her regret inviting me up                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

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You should be fine. These things happen especially when you're getting to know someone. Stay classy and keep the focus on each other as a whole. How do you find her as a person? Do you have anything in common? Try looking a bit more of a bigger picture or broader perspective. Is this someone you could continue enjoy getting to know? 

 

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4 hours ago, viking37 said:

But I am just worried that she might that my flop in the bedroom is a sign that we aren't right for each other and make her regret inviting me up.                

You're probably more upset about it than she is. Just carry on as usual. Next time don't drink.

Have you had whiskey*** before or situational performance anxiety?

If so then just relax and limit things to one drink. 

Or do you think the attraction isn't what you hoped?

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We get along really well. She has a great sense of humour and is intelligent and cultured and time always seems to fly by when we are together. She likes to talk a lot and I am a good listener and she is very enthusiastic and expressive and I am calmer and more laid back so I think we complement each other quite well. 

Really I was not expecting the opportunity to have sex and it felt like the cherry on top of a lovely evening with her and it is just a shame it didn't happen because it would have made the night extra memorable for both of us but instead I feel as though it marred it and she might see it as a bad omen or a sign we aren't right for each other as she is quite superstititious and into astrology and tarot and so on. 

I think it was a combination of factors....tiredness, too much to drink, time pressure as she said i couldn't stay long, her insistence on keeping it pitch black, and also she's been blowing hot and cold since we met and cold lately so I felt some pressure to perform. Already I kind of get the feeling she has very high expectations and feels she deserves the best so I am worried that extends to sex as well. 

Obviously good idea not to drink but she drinks like a fish and in a big city going out does tend to revolve around alcohol and we always seem to end up staying until bars close and they kick us out. And if I don't drink she will possibly feel self conscious about her drinking or feel I am not drinking because I am expecting sex or trying to save money. 

On the train before we got to hers we were talking about going out this Friday to a hipster area she hasn't been in ages. Obviously it would be dinner and drinks again. 

I am guessing she will let me know when she is ready to try again. I always take her home after our dates as we live close by. And she is confident enough to invite me in. So I am guessing she will do that at some point in the future if I am patient and continue to show her a good time with no expectations. 

 

 

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The drinking or need to drink to have a good time on each date would concern me. Try varying the dates or enjoying activities that don't involve drinking. 

If she has something against you because of what happened that other night, then it's her loss. She's entitled to what she thinks/feels but don't bother with someone who brushes you off like that. Just move on. I don't think she would as she does seem to be having a good time with you, however that looks with all the drinking.

She may like to talk also but I hope that she shows interest in you and asks you questions or takes time to know you.

 

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23 minutes ago, viking37 said:

 she drinks like a fish. Obviously it would be dinner and drinks again. 

Ok. If she's drunk, don't have sex. That will repeatedly end up in disasters. No it's not "obviously". It's your and her idea to get piss drunk.

Do you want a drinking buddy or a GF? If she's that drunk, she can't legally consent to sex, so watch your step 

Maybe the horoscope, tarot cards whatever are telling you not to make every outing into a drunken night out.

 

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Keeping her out of bars is obviously the simple solution. But we don't seem to be at a stage where we are able to spend time at each others' places. I would love to have a quiet night in with her cooking her dinner and watching some movies. But am a bit hesitant to suggest it after last night. Obviously we've also done things during the day e.g. walks in the parks, movies and will no doubt do some of that in the future as well. But in London if you want to spend time together in the evenings and stay out late together then restaurants and bars are typically where you'd do that especially now winter is approaching. 

And of course she wasn't drunk. We had a glass of wine with a large dinner and then three cocktails spaced over the rest of the evening and I don't think they were even that strong. For a regular drinker (especially one with Russian blood like she has) that really isn't that much. She was perhaps a little more animated and vivacious and more touchy feely but otherwise there was no indication she'd been drinking. Of course it probably lowered her inhibitions and made her horny which might be why she invited me up to her place. But of course I am a little worried that without alcohol she does not like me as much. 

What are ways of indicating to her without causing offence or making her feel I am a spoilsport that I don't wan to drink as much when we are out while still being able to enjoy the atmosphere and live music that restaurants and bars offer? 

Also regarding the failed sexual encounter is the best way to proceed with that simply to not mention it and focus on getting to know each other better and wait for her to signal she is ready for another shot at intimacy? I'm guessing as a 32 year old woman she is probably mature enough to know that these things happen and it doesn't mean we cannot go on to have a very enjoyable sex life in the future. 

 

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2 hours ago, viking37 said:

I am a little worried that without alcohol she does not like me as much. 

Way too much drinking. Pathetic reason to get her drunk. Even more so when you have ED because you've had too much to drink. Yes 4 drinks is a lot. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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As I explained she's never been drunk around me. She can handle her drink. And she needs no encouragement from me to drink and is usually the one suggesting we get another round. 

I think in general she is quite a tense type-A personality (she is a corporate lawyer) and tends to take on way more than she can handle in terms and work and social engagements and she is also constantly networking and trying to get ahead in life. So I think for her alcohol is a way to unwind. And she had the habit long before she met me. As I mentioned she was on holiday for part of the time we've been dating and from what I gather went on a fair few benders.

4 drinks is not a lot in a big city. But obviously it is more than my body can handle given the ED so aside from keeping her out of bars would be useful to have some suggestions on how to cut back without making her uncomfortable or making her think I am a bore. 

 

 

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Yeah. I think she is generally quite understanding. But what is the best way to explain that I do not feel like drinking as much. Obviously don't want to mention the ED as that makes me seem presumptious and also brings up a bad memory for her. 

I could say that my energy has been dragging and I have a lot of deadlines at work this month so want to drink a bit less. She is very career focused so that might impress her. 

Or I could say that I need to lose a bit of weight/generally be a bit more health conscious so am going to drink a bit less. 

Although both of these might make her feel guilty about her own drinking. 

And yeah I guess if she get annoyed with me then she probably wants a drinking buddy more than a boyfriend and I am better off without her. 

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Oh and she is being a lot more communicative today. It is like the old days again when she likes to share details about her day and calls me dear and darling and peppers her conversation with lols and xxs. 

Also she is keen for us both to do a 23AndMe DNA test to find out our ancestry. She wanted us to both do so she gets the 10% discount (something very strange about her is while she likes to spend frivolously on going out and jewellery and beauty treatments she is ridiculously frugal in other aspects. For example when coming back from Turkey she booked a Day 2 PCR test in the middle of nowhere just to save £20). 

And she just texted a photo of herself in the pub where she says she has decided to finish off her work for the day. 

So I guess the fact she is being quite chatty today is a good sign and even though I didn't rise to the occasion as it were she feels a lot closer to me as a result of our evening together and the intimacy we shared. 

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This is too much. You're getting whiplash from this woman's back and forth. As for the drinking you don't need to be explicit and spell it out in big letters. If she suggests going to a bar, decline or offer another venue or cut the date short. Ask her if she'd like to do something early in the morning, go golfing or hiking or canoeing. Share your other interests with her. 

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If she suggests another round just say "Go ahead! I'm just going to have a Coke/ginger ale". And if she asks why just say you are craving a Coke or a ginger ale. No need to come up with elaborate, silly lies.

Since she's at the pub so much it's possible she's a very heavy drinker. Tread carefully.

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50 minutes ago, viking37 said:

And she just texted a photo of herself in the pub where she says she has decided to finish off her work for the day. 

Unfortunately she may have a 'let's get drunk and screw' attitude toward anyone who buys her drinks. Especially now that she didn't get the 'and screw' part from you because of your excess drinking.

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