I just don't know if i made a mistake or he was not serios all this time?

[Lailala]

Hi everyone! My story is little bit complicated so maybe i am searching for advice ...
We started online before the pandemic. At first I was not interested but he was so “addicted” to me. After 3 months he wanted to come to my country but he could not because of covid. During quarantine we became closer. Texting, calling every day for hours, gift exchange -3,4 times, cooking, watching movies, eating, laughing together. We continued with all that for days, months, more than year… and one day I realized i love this person.
When we had argue for the first time he said that he usually blocks the person because he is sure that the same fight will happen again. Every time we argue he will just stop talking with me for 2, 3 days because i am “bad” and after that everything will be amazing like at the beggining..
Recently he was more distant, he had some problems at work and not enough time for us like before… But i was understanding. The last time we argued out of nowhere I refused to fight. Anyway he said “I don’t want to talk anymore” and he stopped.. just silence.
3 days later he texted me that I need to go to a coffee shop to take a gift from some girl that he prepared for me.
He was my gift and I was stressed (because he made me cry for 2 days) but the most happy person in the world…
He asked me if I can travel with him and be together (we already planned our two weeks trip for the day we can meet). I needed 2, 3 days to organize everything. I also had a plan with my family for next week but I canceled it to be with him.
Then suddenly he said he wants to travel with me for 3, 4 days and after that to be alone for week and then again together for 3, 4 days. He said that this is HIS plan from the beginning. Its always was “I” for him and “we” for me.. I was super confused and he tried to comfort me that he traveled 10000km because of me, I am everything for him and etc.
During our trip everything was amazing, happy moments, holding hands and at the same time confusing again..
He will call me “my mountain” in a cute way but will comment how sexy other girls are.
I asked him to travel more with me (our plan actually) he rejected me and said that I don’ t understand him and he was mad and annoyed. When I cried, he comforted me how everything will be good when he returns to me and we can be happy and he needs only his time alone.
I could not understand why if you traveled 10000km to see the person you love you will want to travel alone?
My inner talk was all about how I am not enough for him, how he is disapointed, how he will meet other girls in other cities and everything is just one big illusion. (two years ago he met other girl/s in other country but past is in the past right?)
I returned to my hometown and he continued with his travel asking why I was so cold when we said goodbye. I wanted to stay with him but he rejected me.. I waited to meet this guy for 1 year and a half and we talked almost every day how much we want that and then when it was real he runs away?
He called me every day and he looked happy. So I calmed down and decided to accept his decision and that maybe he needs time.
The 4th day he didn’t answered my texts, my calls all night… and I went crazier than ever. Because he uses his phone for navigation, I knew he is ignoring my calls. So I doubted him and asked if he is with someone. Because if you can see my call you can answer it for one minute and then do whatever you want… He got mad and said that I am not respecting him and his time alone and he is not sure if we will talk again.
The next day he logged in the app we used to chat searching for girls and adding them in Instagram.
Even tho I apologized a few times and begged him to meet again so we could have good memories- one week later he returned back home without any word… I blame myself even now for everything..
Because I never received any text from him I made a fake profile pretending that I am another girl. Lets say – Summer.
He talked with Summer for 3 weeks like I never existed in his life. He said to Summer that he traveled in my country and met a girl who was his last best kiss.. Summer asked him if she was his girlfriend and he said that this could not become a real relationship because they met just few days. He told Summer that this girl (me) was just a friend, but she had feelings for him. He told Summer that he feels Summer 5000 times more closer and more nice than this other girl (me). And he started calling her everything he called me, he wanted to send her giftbox like he send to me. The most strange thing was that he asked Summer to send him Exact same things that I sent him back then (specific things with their specific colors). He said he loves her 30% … and if she is kind and good hearted he will love her more.
He said he loves ME and he came in my country for me, because of me, that he have only me… one month earlier.
I told him who I am in real and he said that HIS plan was to text me later when I calm down because I was good for him but not good the last time we talked. He accused me that I destroyed our happy memories and made him stressed! Everytime was my fault for everything. My opinion was never important.
I know that it’s wrong to pretend to be someone else.. like I did, but I think I met another person… I don’t know who was that man?? He was not the same person i had fun with, talked almost 2 years and make plans ... He was my best friend.
I still love him becouse i cant erase him like he did.
Where is the logic to invest all this time saying you want something serious but your actions to be different?
Also I haven’t been in love for 10 years maybe.. i was more fearfull avoidant all my life… and that hit me hard.
Should i try to contact him again or.. erase him forever? Did i scared him.. or he was a jerk..

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, Lailala said:

will comment how sexy other girls are.

 He got mad and said that I am not respecting him and his time alone and he is not sure if we will talk again.

Because I never received any text from him I made a fake profile pretending that I am another girl. .. or he was a jerk..

Yes he's a jerk. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Someone contacting you from this distance is a universal red flag.

You got caught up in a cyber-fantasy and unfortunately became dependent on that.

Take down the catfishing profile. Stop chasing trash like this creep.

Get on quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to local, single available men.

[reinventmyself]

44 minutes ago, Lailala said:

Where is the logic to invest all this time saying you want something serious but your actions to be different?
Also I haven’t been in love for 10 years maybe.. i was more fearfull avoidant all my life… and that hit me hard.
 

The only logic in this is your admission of being a fearful avoidant.  Avoidants seek out other avoidants or relationships that never come to fruition.  By choosing this man you only reinforce your issue with being avoidant.  A real life/available/stable man standing in front of you might very well make you run.

This guy is toxic.  From your first words where you mention he was addicted to you so much it made you nervous.  From the push pull, the silent punishing treatments. All the way to having a fantasy relationship that didn't hold up in real life.

Brush this off.  Delete and block this jerk.  Take your time to heal.

In the future create some healthy boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate.  Work on your self esteem and believe you deserve it.   Date people in your own backyard and not from other parts of the world.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Lailala said:

I told him who I am in real and he said that HIS plan was to text me later when I calm down because I was good for him but not good the last time we talked. He accused me that I destroyed our happy memories and made him stressed! Everytime was my fault for everything. My opinion was never important.

Yah, he's a jerk!  You let him mistreat you because you were emotionally invested in him, for way too long 😕 .

He's nasty & controlling.. Never accept that kind of stuff.  Believe in yourself and that you CAN do better.

You know how he is now.. Never reach out to him again.

Respect yourself and don't get involved with anyone from a distance like this.

 

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Lailala said:

He said he loves her 30% … and if she is kind and good hearted he will love her more.
 

lol if some guy told me this I would never stop laughing.

You are far better off without him.

[lostandhurt]

This alone time he had to have was to go visit another woman just like you that he manipulated as well.

Everything he did was to suck you in so he could take advantage and it worked. I know you are thinking "But what about all the time we talked online?"  That wasn't real, it was just how these people operate.

You were conned into thinking he loves you but it was not love.

Yes he is a jerk that seeks out women like you that are vulnerable and preys on them.  Lesson learned I hope.

He wants you to contact him and beg him to forgive you and when he takes you back you will feel like you owe him and then it will get really bad because you will allow him to control every aspect of your life.

Self respect and dignity are yours, don't give them away to this pile of crap.  Delete and block him on everything and never look back.  In time you will see him as he truly is once the love you thought you held for him is overridden by acceptance  and reality.

Lost

[smackie9]

You got me at "he will comment how sexy other girls are".

He's not worth it hun. let him go.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Lailala said:

Should i try to contact him again or.. erase him forever? Did i scared him.. or he was a jerk..

 

3 hours ago, Lailala said:

He told Summer that this girl (me) was just a friend, but she had feelings for him. He told Summer that he feels Summer 5000 times more closer and more nice than this other girl (me).

What does this tell you?

The guy is a player. Probably has multiple of them just like you. He didnt want you to travel wih him, because, yes, he did already planned to see other girls. He never planned to be serious with you, just told you what you wanted to hear and moved on. You caught feelings, he didnt. When he saw you werent down with his "free style" where he would just travel alone even though he supposedly came to see you, he just cut away whole thing and moved to Summer(which is also you, dont know why you did that, it was really obvious without spending so much effort on deception). And frankly, its good that it happened that way, now you know that he is indeed a jerk and can move on. It would be way worst if you accepted his proposal and still kept contact. 

[Rose Mosse]

Your instincts were already ringing alarm bells when you were spending time in person. Walk away at that point and trust your instincts. There was no need to catfish. Move on.

[catfeeder]

It's never a good idea to build a fantasy 'about' someone before actually meeting him.

This has you investing in your own ideals rather than learning who someone actually IS.

Decide what YOU want out of dating before you date anyone.

From there, you'll be best positioned to screen out bad matches.

This guy is a bad match. Have you noticed?

[MissCanuck]

This twerp is a toxic little weasel. 

It is safe to say he was never serious about you and was always jerking you around. In the future, stay away from nebulous cyber flings. They aren't based in reality and you never truly know the person on the other side of that screen. 

[Lailala]

On 10/5/2021 at 5:20 PM, reinventmyself said:

The only logic in this is your admission of being a fearful avoidant.  Avoidants seek out other avoidants or relationships that never come to fruition. By choosing this man you only reinforce your issue with being avoidant. A real life/available/stable man standing in front of you might very well make you run.

This guy is toxic.  From your first words where you mention he was addicted to you so much it made you nervous.  From the push pull, the silent punishing treatments. All the way to having a fantasy relationship that didn't hold up in real life.

Even if i was little bit avoidant all my previous relationships were secure. No games, no lies. If something is not working we will have a talk and exit the relationship. Two months ago after my experience with this guy I found out about push and pull, silent treatment, narcissistic supply and etc. I have never encountered this before in my life. I gues I lucky until now

 

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This twerp is a toxic little weasel. 

It is safe to say he was never serious about you and was always jerking you around. In the future, stay away from nebulous cyber flings. They aren't based in reality and you never truly know the person on the other side of that screen. 

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's never a good idea to build a fantasy 'about' someone before actually meeting him.

I have had long distance relationship before. But we met almost every weekend and even that at the beggining was just a cyber fling and fantasy it was amazing relationship after that. So I expected this to be something good too.

 

 

22 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You got me at "he will comment how sexy other girls are".

He's not worth it hun. let him go.

😞 Yes, I know. Thank you!

22 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Everything he did was to suck you in so he could take advantage and it worked. I know you are thinking "But what about all the time we talked online?"  That wasn't real, it was just how these people operate.

He wants you to contact him and beg him to forgive you and when he takes you back you will feel like you owe him and then it will get really bad because you will allow him to control every aspect of your life.

 

He spent every night with me, every weekend fo year and a half... (online i know..)

I will not beg anyone to love me. Its not right :)) 

 

On 10/5/2021 at 5:18 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Yes he's a jerk. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Someone contacting you from this distance is a universal red flag.

You got caught up in a cyber-fantasy and unfortunately became dependent on that.

Take down the catfishing profile. Stop chasing trash like this creep.

Get on quality dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to local, single available men.

I deleted everything long time ago. I know catfishing is not good and makes me crazy little person. Thats why I stopped it and confessed everything. :)

 

Thank you all for your kind words and support!