Why Am I Never Good Enough?

[Winterblossom6224]

I always put in so much effort for other people. Why doesn't anyone ever want to put the effort in for me? Why am I not worth the effort? Why am I always the second choice?

[Seraphim]

Do you have examples? Are you over investing in people that are not worth your time? 

[Lambert]

I think a lot of people with good intentions feel this way. Not knowing exactly what you're experiencing. It's hard to say... but as @Seraphim asked, do you have a history of over investing in others? 

I think i used to do that.  I now take a more balanced approach. I call those that call me. I come thru for those that come thru for me. If I feel like a person can take or leave me, then I pull way back.

people are not always going to be the same as you are. work on detaching yourself from the responsibilities of others. 

Get comfortable taking care of yourself.  Focusing on yourself and a spending time on your own. 

You have to be willing to distance yourself because you can't change anyone but yourself. 

[SooSad33]

How are you the second choice?

Maybe you are too 'giving'? And is time to sit back & take a look at your choices?

If someone neglects you or mistreats you, you have a choice to walk away from that.

[poorlittlefish]

5 hours ago, Winterblossom6224 said:

I always put in so much effort for other people. Why doesn't anyone ever want to put the effort in for me? Why am I not worth the effort? Why am I always the second choice?

This is me too. The consideration I show towards others is rarely reciprocated and people only want to know when they are getting something from me. As soon as there's a better option, I'm dropped like a stone. I feel your pain. 

[Kwothe28]

Lots of people are just selfish and ungrateful and putting an effort into friendship or relationship with them is not really a good investment. Because they will never appreciate the effort you give and would think that you are just required to do that. The second you stop or even just say "No" once, they will discard you like you never existed. 

Also, with a lot of people, ironically, less is more. Meaning that less you are available, more they want you. They dont want somebody who is there all the time and that they can have anytime they want, it doesnt represent any challenge to them. So you have to "be there but simultaniously not be there" somehow in order to present yourself in that way for them.

So if you "overinvest", just stop doing that. Its fine to reach out, but if you see that they dont reciprocitate, dont do that anymore. Dont be afraid to discard people who dont appreciate you or your company. Always remember that your time is also precious and that you shouldnt waste it on people who only want it if something else is not going on. That way you will make room for people who will maybe consider you "first choice".

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Winterblossom6224 said:

. Why doesn't anyone ever want to put the effort in for me? Why am I not worth the effort? Why am I always the second choice?

You're overinvesting. You need to have boundaries. Try harder to be respected rather than selling yourself out to be liked.

However it seems like you are talking about a bad relationship in particular. The same thing applies.

Don't overinvest, don't be a martyr and strive to be respected.

 

[shiner501]

I used to be very like this.  A "nice" guy.  I always thought people would like "nice" people.  In a way they do, but they abuse their time and pleasing nature too in all walks of life, including relationships.  Sounds to me that you may overly invest in others to please them possibly.  No one owes you any favors.  You need put yourself first more often.  Others will appreciate you more and value your time that way.  By giving yourself away cheaply no one will ever appreciate you.  I can tell you that from experience. 

[Rose Mosse]

14 hours ago, Winterblossom6224 said:

I always put in so much effort for other people. Why doesn't anyone ever want to put the effort in for me? Why am I not worth the effort? Why am I always the second choice?

Most people lead busy lives but will make time for those they love and respect. The lines are a little blurred with family. Do you have any examples where you put in so much effort for other people or where you feel you are always the second choice? 

 

[abitbroken]

You should never do something for someone with the motive that you are doing to force a reaction in them (they have to reciprocate, etc) .

A lot of people who struggle with codependency have a bit of a martyr complex "look at what i do for you/i bend over backwards and you do nothing" They feed off of it.