Tell me something I already know

[Anonymous]

I met this great girl last year. Both in our 30s. I was focused on my career and my promotion so I didn’t want anything serious and she was a year or so out of a 15yo relationship that involved marriage and two children. Needless to say neither did she. 
We had a good time and eventually started seeing each other pretty much ever time she was free. We took a few trips together, never argued, and got along great both intellectually and physically. She would do little romantic things and I wasn’t stopping her. I did like her, after all. 
I made a slip up and happened to glance at her phone once while she was holding it. Not my MO. It just happened to be in my line of sight. We were on a date and it was some guy. I asked her about it and we talked about it. I didn’t get mad and she never gave me a reason not to believe anything she said.
A little time had passed but she slowly. We kept in light contact while she’d send me pictures of her kids, who I really enjoyed being around. One day I had enough of the reminders and told her that this isn’t working for me and we need to stop talking because I’m gonna miss her and this is just extending a situation I didn’t want to be in. She did a 180 and within two weeks, it was like we didn’t skip a beat.

In a month or two, I saw something on social media that brought up the same feelings regarding the first slip. In my head, she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious but her actions said otherwise, so I didn’t know where we stood. I’m not the type to sleep with a lot of women at the same time serious or not. I asked about that night, again. Mind you these conversations were calm and resolved in the moment. My mistake was getting in my thoughts and bringing them up again. 

Fast forward to two months ago, we planned to take a trip together. She wanted to be closer to her kids so we planned I differently. As the days approached we planned for it to be a shorter trip. When the day came, she didn’t go. When I asked her in the beginning of the week whether we’re going, not hearing from her for a few days, she couldn’t give me a direct answer so I did get upset and told her if she can’t say Yes, I didn’t want to talk about it. It was the heat of the moment and I feel like it was reasonable for me to be upset however, unreasonable to react that way. 
That was that. 
Currently, we’re not talking, I dropped something of hers that I had with a little extra to make her happy that I don’t have any resentment. We’re on good terms and can talk but with nothing to talk about, we don’t talk. Her message to me is that she doesn’t want to make dating a priority right now and her kids and herself are her focus. Totally fine with me. She also said that if I casually reached out to her in a few months, she might want to catch up but not right now. If I say anything to her it will look like I want her around, which yes I do, but not in a capacity that she possibly thinks I do.

I’m still fine focusing on my career and friends but I do sometimes want her around when I’m having fun because of how incredibly we got along when we were together. Completely irrelevant and selfish but that’s what brings me here. 
I know I made a few mistakes. These conversations lasted maybe 45 min each time and we talked it out on spot. I didn’t keep thinking about it but it’s possible it lingered with her. My rational thought is that she got scared that she was being pulled in to something where she had to prove herself to me and felt constantly responsible about my “feelings.” She even FaceTimed me once from work to prove she was there. I never even hinted that was something I wanted. I was shocked she did that. I know that an end to a relationship that began in high school with marriage and kids is nothing like I’ve ever experienced. 
There’s nothing I want to or can do about this. I also could probably identify every mistake I made that led us here, in hindsight. It probably lingered while for her while I was just happy being in the moment. It was good and probably could’ve lasted longer. I’ll still wonder about it sometimes. 

[greendots]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

In my head, she said she wasn’t looking for anything serious but her actions said otherwise, so I didn’t know where we stood.

Honestly, my initial impression after reading everything you wrote is that she is confused.

 

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Her message to me is that she doesn’t want to make dating a priority right now and her kids and herself are her focus.

It may be a BS excuse or a 100% genuine one. That's where it's at, unfortunately. Remind yourself that it's not you, it's her inability at the moment to give you a logical reason (that clicks in your brain) as to why she suddenly switched gears. I'm talking about that 'aha moment', where suddenly everything makes sense. So, therefore take it easy on yourself. Plus, it takes to two tango.

Also, the way I see it is that slip ups are part of life. We all slip up. And whilst it's surely easier to get along and connect when things are flowing nicely, I feel that when we find ourselves in quicksand that's when we discover whether we're truly suitable for each other.

Ultimately, how do you feel about the way she handled this situation?

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

Honestly, my initial impression after reading everything you wrote is that she is confused.

 

It may be a BS excuse or a 100% genuine one. That's where it's at, unfortunately. Remind yourself that it's not you, it's her inability at the moment to give you a logical reason (that clicks in your brain) as to why she suddenly switched gears. I'm talking about that 'aha moment', where suddenly everything makes sense. So, therefore take it easy on yourself. Plus, it takes to two tango.

Also, the way I see it is that slip ups are part of life. We all slip up. And whilst it's surely easier to get along and connect when things are flowing nicely, I feel that when we find ourselves in quicksand that's when we discover whether we're truly suitable for each other.

Ultimately, how do you feel about the way she handled this situation?

I think she handled it well. In my eyes, whether it’s BS or genuine the outcome is the same. 
There was a point in time when she mentioned she’s not done dating, during the first hiatus. To that, I said- If you’re counting me out, I don’t want to be a place holder.

There’s a point to be made that I’m looking for validation, which I’m not. She is free to do as she pleases. It’s just unfortunate that it’s nothing a conversation couldn’t solve. At least that’s how I look at it. 

[greendots]

2 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I think she handled it well. In my eyes, whether it’s BS or genuine the outcome is the same. 
There was a point in time when she mentioned she’s not done dating, during the first hiatus. To that, I said- If you’re counting me out, I don’t want to be a place holder.

There’s a point to be made that I’m looking for validation, which I’m not. She is free to do as she pleases. It’s just unfortunate that it’s nothing a conversation couldn’t solve. At least that’s how I look at it. 

I see. 🙂 So, let me get it right. She handled it well, you don't want to be a place holder, you're not looking for validation. Ok. Then, you talk about solving it via a conversation. What specifically would you have liked (or would like) to solve via a conversation?

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

It’s just unfortunate that it’s nothing a conversation couldn’t solve.

In what sense?

She doesn't seem to have those feelings for you anymore, so I am not sure how a conversation could resolve that. 

[Rose Mosse]

Why do you say that you don't want anything serious because of your career and promotion? You undercut yourself there and went for an emotionally unavailable woman who is in the midst of a divorce. She also has her kids and to adjust as a single mother. That was a mistake and I'm not sure you recognize that because you're feeling heartbreak over the loss of what this was. Perhaps it's time to ask for more out of your relationships.

I get the sense that you're feeling dejected and low because she doesn't feel the same way you do but it wasn't meant to last. This started off as a low expectation, fun, casual sort of relationship with little to no pressures and a lot of good times. It turned into something different when you started to feel jealous and realized that she may be seeing other men or speaking to other men. She felt smothered by you and probably controlled or monitored in her actions. You didn't intend that but again, you are open to a more committed relationship. Don't keep telling yourself that you don't want anything serious because I don't think that's true. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

.Im still fine focusing on my career and friends but I do sometimes want her around when I’m having fun 

She's focused on her kids. You're not compatible.

It sounds like a nebulous situationship. You're not in a committed relationship.

You also seem insecure and jealous with what you call her "slip ups".

She seems more responsible and too mature and family oriented for you.

Go have fun with your friends, focus on your career and have casual relationships.

 

 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why do you say that you don't want anything serious because of your career and promotion? You undercut yourself there and went for an emotionally unavailable woman who is in the midst of a divorce. She also has her kids and to adjust as a single mother. That was a mistake and I'm not sure you recognize that because you're feeling heartbreak over the loss of what this was. Perhaps it's time to ask for more out of your relationships.

I get the sense that you're feeling dejected and low because she doesn't feel the same way you do but it wasn't meant to last. This started off as a low expectation, fun, casual sort of relationship with little to no pressures and a lot of good times. It turned into something different when you started to feel jealous and realized that she may be seeing other men or speaking to other men. She felt smothered by you and probably controlled or monitored in her actions. You didn't intend that but again, you are open to a more committed relationship. Don't keep telling yourself that you don't want anything serious because I don't think that's true. 

Yup, exactly this.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Tell me something I already know

You've never seen your real face, only pictures and reflections.

Its not really a rocket science what happened. She is "inconsistent". Meaning that what she wants changes as the wind blows. She was flacky but when you threatened to leave she tight it up. Then when you wanted more she just pulled out. That is how it is with inconsistent people. She sold you the excuse about the kids, but dont be surprised to see her in a week with another guy. But sure, hit her up in a few months, maybe her mood about you changes lol. 

You on the other hand, need to be better with what you want and who you want it with. If your career is the focus and you want casual, then do casual. Dont expected more and something serious but just go as the wind blows. And if you need and want relationship then dont go to inconsistent people asking for it but find somebody who wants the same.

[Anonymous]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's focused on her kids. You're not compatible.

It sounds like a nebulous situationship. You're not in a committed relationship.

You also seem insecure and jealous with what you call her "slip ups".

She seems more responsible and too mature and family oriented for you.

Go have fun with your friends, focus on your career and have casual relationships.

 

 

I don’t see my family for months if not years and I just had a loss. I don’t see how this is helpful. How do you know I’m not family oriented? For a wise guy you’re not very wise in your approach. 

[Anonymous]

I want to be super clear, I never started to feel jealous. There was never a point in time when I wanted to know where she was or who she was with or how she’s spending her free time. It was two conversations and when they finished we carried on. I admit they were a sign of insecurity which is what drove the result, but I already recognize that and it’s not something that defines me and the way I wanted things to go. I wasn’t perfect   
I know she’s unavailable and I know it wasn’t meant to last. It would have been nice to see it last a little longer. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted more consistency although I was content in what we had. 
It felt good and we truthfully got along very well. I think we could have had a good relationship, which we did, and it ended. 
 

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

In what sense?

She doesn't seem to have those feelings for you anymore, so I am not sure how a conversation could resolve that. 

Not a conversation now. I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

8 hours ago, greendots said:

I see. 🙂 So, let me get it right. She handled it well, you don't want to be a place holder, you're not looking for validation. Ok. Then, you talk about solving it via a conversation. What specifically would you have liked (or would like) to solve via a conversation?

Nothing at this point. She already knows everything. I told her how I felt about what we had, she said ok, and backed off. It would have been nice if it wasn’t something that she lingered on but she did and that’s fair.

I wrote this to clear my head. I know the reality is not what I want it to be. I do care about her and wish her the very best. 

[Lambert]

I think in some ways you were unable to be vulnerable to her with your feelings.  Were you guarded and not really saying what you meant and making excuses that you weren't all that interested in a relationship?

You said something about her saying she didn't want a relationship either, but her actions not matching.  Were your words and actions matched?

You can definitely talk to your date or partner or whatever you call her about your feelings, about other men, about how she is acting, how you feel about anything.  The fact that you couldn't is a problem.  It's not a mistake on your part to talk about how you feel.  

That's a relationship.  But as you say, you weren't in a relationship.  This is were it gets off the rails is -- when the relationship's words don't match the relationship's actions.  

IMO, if you are causually dating you don't go on trips together, you don't meet the children, you don't question about other parmours.  You generally enjoy the moment and what is happening in it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

I think at this point, she has decided she doesn't want to continue seeing you.  I'm sorry.... but I think good general rules to dating are-- 1.  take any mixed signals as a no. 

2. don't make anyone have to reject you twice. 

The first indication that they are losing interest or not putting the same effort as you, pull back and let them come to you.  

You obviously are more invested in her than you want to lead on.  But maybe that's a good thing.  Maybe it's time to focus on finding a woman that wants a relationship.  Maybe this ended because it should.  

Learning to dettach, let go but appreciate it for the good times they were is a life skill.  

Things are off with her.  But they could be full on with someone else 🙂

 

[Anonymous]

2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I don’t see my family for months if not years 

Ok then visit them if you feel lonely. What do you mean? Wife and kids or parents?

nevertheless you're incompatible and she's not on your wavelength.

[SooSad33]

14 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I met this great girl last year. Both in our 30s. I was focused on my career and my promotion so I didn’t want anything serious and she was a year or so out of a 15yo relationship that involved marriage and two children. Needless to say neither did she. 
We had a good time and eventually started seeing each other pretty much ever time she was free. We took a few trips together, never argued, and got along great both intellectually and physically. She would do little romantic things and I wasn’t stopping her. I did like her, after all. 
I made a slip up and happened to glance at her phone once while she was holding it. Not my MO. It just happened to be in my line of sight. We were on a date and it was some guy. I asked her about it and we talked about it. I didn’t get mad and she never gave me a reason not to believe anything she said.

Clearly, she was NOT able to 'give' a lot to you, in her situation.

You two are at two different stages.  Her pretty much freshly out of a long-term relationship, therefore a lot to deal with mentally/emotionally, Plus kids to care for... and you, all care free, ready & able.

This is just how it is... She could have just said and gone with the 'No expectations'.. and kept it all light hearted.

So, as YOU were great and all for it, she was not, and I'm sure in time she realized, she couldn't do it anymore. ( Kinda like 'faking it').

I might say, you were a 'rebound'.  She was so not ready to be involved again.  It was all just too much for her. yeah, rebounds sting 😕 .  They end as fast as they began.

Honestly, she should have stayed on her own for a good while, to sort through her own issue's and get herself back together again.

So, now you have to sit back & take it as is.  To expect no more and respect her wishes... Sorry you had to experience this.

Be cautious, next time you come across someone who's freshly out of a relationship. Especially long term. 

[Anonymous]

40 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Ok then visit them if you feel lonely. What do you mean? Wife and kids or parents?

nevertheless you're incompatible and she's not on your wavelength.

This is irrelevant. The person I replied to clearly didn’t read my post anyway based on their response.  
I also don’t know how my family values shined through in anything I said. 
We are not talking so I am aware we aren’t on the same page. We were for a while but things changed. 
 

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I want to be super clear, I never started to feel jealous. There was never a point in time when I wanted to know where she was or who she was with or how she’s spending her free time. It was two conversations and when they finished we carried on. I admit they were a sign of insecurity which is what drove the result, but I already recognize that and it’s not something that defines me and the way I wanted things to go. I wasn’t perfect   
I know she’s unavailable and I know it wasn’t meant to last. It would have been nice to see it last a little longer. Maybe there was a part of me that wanted more consistency although I was content in what we had. 
It felt good and we truthfully got along very well. I think we could have had a good relationship, which we did, and it ended. 
 

You're missing her so these feelings are natural (bold). There's some regret in the way you're thinking and I think that's also a product of heartbreak and loss. I'm referring to your last sentence referencing this as a good relationship.

This didn't sound like a good relationship from the start to the end. It was a bit loosely defined, both of you were incompatible, she has a lot on her plate and you ultimately wanted something more from it which she didn't feel the same way about for whatever reasons that she's entitled to. It's not a farfetched idea to say that no matter what you could have said or done, this wouldn't have lasted any longer. I'd let go of that idea that you could have done anything differently or prolonged this situation or relationship. 

You're still hurt and feeling rejected so give yourself more time to put this behind you and move on. Nothing makes sense right now because you're in pain.

 

[Anonymous]

28 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Clearly, she was NOT able to 'give' a lot to you, in her situation.

You two are at two different stages.  Her pretty much freshly out of a long-term relationship, therefore a lot to deal with mentally/emotionally, Plus kids to care for... and you, all care free, ready & able.

This is just how it is... She could have just said and gone with the 'No expectations'.. and kept it all light hearted.

So, as YOU were great and all for it, she was not, and I'm sure in time she realized, she couldn't do it anymore. ( Kinda like 'faking it').

I might say, you were a 'rebound'.  She was so not ready to be involved again.  It was all just too much for her. yeah, rebounds sting 😕 .  They end as fast as they began.

Honestly, she should have stayed on her own for a good while, to sort through her own issue's and get herself back together again.

So, now you have to sit back & take it as is.  To expect no more and respect her wishes... Sorry you had to experience this.

Be cautious, next time you come across someone who's freshly out of a relationship. Especially long term. 

Thank you. That makes tots sense and I think that’s why she pulled back. I did realize this when we started and I liked seeing her happy.
I’ll be fine. I’ll find something long or short term or whatever it turns out to be. I guess what got to me is that it started casual and then we played pretend and then it disappeared. 
To your point it’s no fault of hers and I don’t resent her for it. She’s a good person and we share the same values so it does suck that she’s gone. I like keeping good people in my life. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I admit they were a sign of insecurity which is what drove the result, but I already recognize that and it’s not something that defines me and the way I wanted things to go. I wasn’t perfect   

But if you truly wanted casual only you wouldn't have given a darn who else she was seeing.

[Anonymous]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But if you truly wanted casual only you wouldn't have given a darn who else she was seeing.

Agreed. If she wanted casual we could have talked about it in the beginning but she didn’t want that. 
Like someone above pointed out, we were playing pretend and I was oblivious to it. Could I see myself settling down with her? Sure. We clicked. However, like someone else said above, it takes two to tango. 
I’m getting to a point where if we were to meet again I could do casual and nothing more. Ever. 

[lostandhurt]

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?  Short term?  Been in love?

What I see in your words is a guy that wants a monogamous stable relationship but isn't willing to admit that to himself or anyone really.

As far as she goes it could have been as simple as a rebound, she was dating several men at once and you were not the top pick or she was looking for a relationship subconsciously but was afraid of going down that road again so soon. 

What I have found in dating to be one of the worst parts is meeting someone that doesn't know what they want.  They say they want this or that but when you fall for them (you did fall for her big time despite what you say) then they get scared because they were not ready for what they thought they  wanted.  Could be a relationship or casual dating but each person needs to be emotionally capable of following through and often times they are not.

  Keep doing what you feel is right for you right now but you need to learn the lesson from all this which is: If you meet the right woman you lean into relationship mode whether you consciously do it or not.

Growth and maturity are all good until they smack us in the face and knock us off the path we thought we wanted to be on.

I think you handled this pretty well except for not accepting your true feelings for her.  Scary stuff sometimes...

  Lost

[Anonymous]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you ever been in a long term relationship?  Short term?  Been in love?

What I see in your words is a guy that wants a monogamous stable relationship but isn't willing to admit that to himself or anyone really.

As far as she goes it could have been as simple as a rebound, she was dating several men at once and you were not the top pick or she was looking for a relationship subconsciously but was afraid of going down that road again so soon. 

What I have found in dating to be one of the worst parts is meeting someone that doesn't know what they want.  They say they want this or that but when you fall for them (you did fall for her big time despite what you say) then they get scared because they were not ready for what they thought they  wanted.  Could be a relationship or casual dating but each person needs to be emotionally capable of following through and often times they are not.

  Keep doing what you feel is right for you right now but you need to learn the lesson from all this which is: If you meet the right woman you lean into relationship mode whether you consciously do it or not.

Growth and maturity are all good until they smack us in the face and knock us off the path we thought we wanted to be on.

I think you handled this pretty well except for not accepting your true feelings for her.  Scary stuff sometimes...

  Lost

This is what I needed to hear. I don’t think it was multiple men, I think it’s the latter. In fact, during our first break she said exactly that. And you’re right, I did fall. I think anyone would. She is great. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Agreed. If she wanted casual we could have talked about it in the beginning but she didn’t want that. 
Like someone above pointed out, we were playing pretend and I was oblivious to it. Could I see myself settling down with her? Sure. We clicked. However, like someone else said above, it takes two to tango. 
I’m getting to a point where if we were to meet again I could do casual and nothing more. Ever. 

In the beginning you knew where she stood -she didn't want to talk about it.  Now you regret going along with her not wanting to talk about it. I think you chose to be oblivious because the benefits of settling for casual outweighed not dating her at all.  It's best when two people discuss whether they are generally on the same page as soon as possible meaning general relationship goals, etc.

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

This is what I needed to hear. I don’t think it was multiple men, I think it’s the latter. In fact, during our first break she said exactly that. And you’re right, I did fall. I think anyone would. She is great. 

Then you cannot ever be in just a casual relationship with her.  You would need a committed relationship with a future or it would just tear you up.

  Give it some time, think about what you want if you meet the right woman and then contact her.  If she is single then be brave and lay it all out on the line and see what she says.  In the mean time figure yourself out so when you meet the next great woman you will know how to proceed.

  I know this sucks right now because I have been there. A lot of people have "The One That Got Away" in their pasts but the positive side to all this is that it exposed you, the real you so go with that and stop acting like you want one thing when you want something else.

  I am curious, before this woman did you ever think you could get serious with a woman with 2 kids?  If the answer is no then remember that when you speak to her sometime in the future. She should know that she meant so much to you that it changed the way you looked at a lot of things.

Best wishes as you learn to let this one go.

Lost