Was breaking up the right thing to do?

[Frankie123456]

Hi there,

I was with my boyfriend 3 years and we have broken up on Thursday although we have planned to review things in a month. We lived together 2 years of this time and he is currently staying with his mam while I am looking to move out which is going incredibly difficult to find somewhere I can afford. Right now I am crying a lot and everything reminds me of him and I’m wondering if I made the right decision.

I basically broke up with him for not initiating dates (I think he’s done this 2-3 times in 3 years) and how I have to organize and convince him sometimes to go out. He spends morning to bedtime on the computer working and playing video games whereas I like to do a big variety of things, sports and spending time with friends etc when we moved in together I was initially very concerned about his sleeping because he would stay up all night and sleep in the day but our sleeping habits quickly and completely aligned. Over time he’s done a lot more activities with me even if he didn’t initiate them and I wonder If I gave up too soon and like the sleep this too would just change?

The other problem was our sex life as since the beginning he’s always  had a lot less interest in sex than me, I think we managed this ok for a while but when it got to the point when we were having sex less than monthly it was then me that had no interest and I didn’t want to or required more effort to be in the mood. We tried scheduling sex which worked sometimes but other times we’d just ignore the schedule due to my lack of motivation. I’m wondering if this is also something we didn’t work hard enough on? But this one is harder to consider as my desire and motivation were literally zero and it wasn’t a case of tired/busy etc.

he’s an amazing guy, always makes me laugh, looks after me all the time, is always affectionate, we’ve always been very affectionate together, he’s incredibly easy to live with it, he’s creative makes me gifts etc I’m wondering if my standards are just way too unreasonable, I know he doesn’t want to go out on dates not because he doesn’t care but because he never goes out himself or with others regularly anyway and it’s not really a reflection of us but more of himself. I’m feeling particularly regretful of this aspect as he will go out more now but I was continuing to feel resentment at being the one planning and making the time.  I feel like I’ve given up a lot of good things that I haven’t had in other relationships and I’m wondering if i should just adjust more. I do have one more fear in that we broke up incredibly briefly before (for about half an hour..) for the same reasons and decided to try again but things only changed temporarily before going back to the current situation leading to this breakup and honestly the process is so painful I don’t think i can handle a repeat. Please let me know you’re thoughts and thanks in advance. 

[Rose Mosse]

Is there someone else? Ie someone else that you fancy? 

There are adjustments in every relationship. What you're willing to overlook depends on whether you're fulfilled in it or satisfied too. He will likely always be a homebody and more passive when it comes to planning. 

I think it's better and kinder to go your separate ways instead of hoping for him to change or to look for changes. I'm sure he wants to be accepted as he is also. 

 

 

[Frankie123456]

No there is no one else.

i am just plagued by the thought no relationship is perfect and I need to compromise or adjust and maybe I’m not doing so enough.

thank you for your thoughts 🙂

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Frankie123456 said:

I basically broke up with him for not initiating dates. He spends morning to bedtime on the computer working and playing video games. he would stay up all night and sleep in the day

 I was continuing to feel resentment at being the one planning and making the time.  I feel like I’ve given up a lot of good things that I haven’t had in other relationships

Sorry to hear this. It seems the "planning dates" thing is not the real reason considering he is completely checked out socially and you are completely checked out sexually.

You made the right call. Tie up loose ends, sever all  financial ties and move in with friends, family, roommates or affordable places.

 Do you both work? With all the major problems and incompatibilities, the resentments are understandable.  

The planning dates thing is nonsense. What's the big deal looking around and finding places to eat, things to do? What is the real beef with that?

Did he refuse to spend free time with you or make time with you because all he does is sleep, play video games and watch porn all day/night?

Look at the real issues. For example why did you lose attraction to him? Because of his lone wolf behaviors? Or are you simply in a rut because you need him financially?

 Are you depressed? Does he have drug, drinking or mental health issues? What's up with sleeping all day and being on computers the rest of the time?

[Rose Mosse]

11 minutes ago, Frankie123456 said:

No there is no one else.

i am just plagued by the thought no relationship is perfect and I need to compromise or adjust and maybe I’m not doing so enough.

thank you for your thoughts 🙂

After enough time, several years in your case, and seeing that it's not working it's best to move on. You both have different lifestyles and I think what you're looking for are sharedness and togetherness in the relationship. I think there are varying degrees in every relationship and that is a matter of preference. 

You do deserve to be with someone who is equally as social as you are or who shares similar interests. 

[Kwothe28]

Looking at the other theme you opened in January, you had a crush with your collegue and the spark with boyfriend was never there and he didnt want kids and you did. Which tells me that you were looking for a way out even then. 

In the situation where you are diametrally different persons, where passion was not there from the start and where your views on kids are completely different, I think its OK that you broke up now. You are almost 30, you need to think about the future. If you lived together you did spend a lot of time together, but if you wanted dates and it bothered you, you should have pushed him for it. But again, you expected introverted person that stays at home and plays video games all night to initiate dates. You say that he did change that on your initiative and I am sure that he is the nice guy, but if you dont feel it and you almost never did, I think its for the best for both of you to go to their own way. Especially with the kids thing if he didnt change his mind on that.

[tattoobunnie]

Never prioritizes you, and isn't sexing you up on the regular. 

I guarantee he spent 99.99% more time strategizing for his gaming, then doing things that benefitted the relationship.  You're just bummed and stressed because your roommate is gone, but this was not a partnership.

NEXTTTTTT!!!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Frankie123456 said:

we were having sex less than monthly it was then me that had no interest and I didn’t want to or required more effort to be in the mood.

Are you still flirting with the coworker? Then  you did the right thing ending it. 

Is this the same man?:

 

[melancholy123]

I think you two were not compatible, too many things you'd need to compromise on when he is showing you who he is.

You made the right call, now stop crying and work on getting on with your life.

[SooSad33]

You moved in with him after one year.

I feel YOU are just tolerating him & his ways.  Not truly happy, yourself.

You two clash imo.  You are just not so compatible.

As other's have mentioned, your differences, YOUR lack of intimacy with him, his gaming (which I'm sure you were aware of before you moved in with him), etc.

I'm sure you do like him, but you're struggling along.

Can you not move back home.. or stay with a friend for now?

 

[Frankie123456]

Thanks for advice 

oh god no the coworker is well gone, that was embarrassing now that seemed like a just total temporary madness, I never acted on that thank god I was just going a bit insane, probably pandemic life and wondering if my relationship was going to work... 

[Lambert]

I think you're just stressed not finding an apartment in your price range.

The prices of things have gone up.  I was talking to someone about this.  And we both were commiserating how it sucks. I definitely pay more for things than I was...

but the solution is to find savings and cut corners in other areas, not make excuses to stay in a dead end relationship. 

 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

The prices of things have gone up.  I was talking to someone about this.  And we both were commiserating how it sucks. I definitely pay more for things than I was...

 

Ever since Covid, some essentials have high demand but limited supply. For example construction stuff gets more difficult to come by so prices have gone to Heavens. That reflects on, for example buying new, or even old appartments as prices have gone insane even for my smaller town. As people are forced together(sometimes in a very small space) almost 24/7 there is also very big chance for separations. So, renting is in high demand also. Same with some groceries as there is high demand but due to shortage of workers and everything, less supply. So, that is up too. And its not just my country, brother is in Germany and he said that what he payed 120 Euros before in supermarket over weekend now pays 200 Euros. Same stuff, same ammount. But salaries remained the same. So yeah, it sucks.

Sorry, small off. 

[lostandhurt]

Breaking this down into the basics of a relationship it does not look good.

Total opposites socially

Totally different libido

Totally different on having children

You might be able to survive with one of these but all three?  No way.

You did the right thing and actually hung in there longer than a lot of people would have.

  In time this will look like the best decision you ever made.

You should contact him and let him know you don't need to revisit the break up in a month, you are sure it will never work between you two.

 Lost