Wanting to get married, but . . .

[xmrth]

I'm almost 20, he's just about to turn 21. We've been dating 5.5 years.

I would really like for him to marry me now, but he says he's not old enough. We are still very young.

I think it's interesting in a way because my parents married around our age, and they say it's fine if we do, and I know they want us to. But his parents got married in their early 30's (they didn't even meet until then!), and they tell him all the time that he "better not get married until he's much older."

I talked to him about this again, and he said they'd probably get mad if he got married when he was at 24 years old.

He says "They've been right about everything else" and things like that, particularly concerning his job and him making money.

 

I've been thinking about it alot, and by that time, I will be out of college for a year to two years, and will have a chance to pay bills and get into a career without having to pay for a house and a gown and a wedding.

I agree that it is smart.. but it's just that we've been dating for so long now and that is what makes me feel eager to. Is it normal that I feel this way? Do alot of other people get married after having dated for many many years?

That is just being married, though. I'd be happy to be engaged to him and living with him around that time. Is it possible that is how it will work out? I'm beginning to think so myself. I would be happy with that.

 

This is the person who I want to marry, and I will wait. I know he's the marrying type (I read that thing on MSN, and someone else posted about it here, too) We get along, we have fun together, we have the same views, we make decisions together, he's honest, a hard worker, and everything that I could want in a husband.

It's just a matter of knowing WHY I have to wait, I want to know more of the good that will come from it, and if I'm the only one who has this problem. Since I don't know of anyone else, it makes it seem more wrong than it probably is. I like to know I'm not alone in a "problem".. that's just the type of person I am.

 

I forgot to mention that it makes me wonder why I can't be married when there are so many people (slightly younger than us) and who have not even been dating for as long as us who are already married or engaged.. it makes me feel like it should be US.

[Day_Walker]

Marriage isnt going to change anything in the relationship. If you feel that you have a strong relationship then whats the rush?

[xmrth]

I wasn't looking for it to change anything in it. Everything is fine how it is. I just want it badly.

 

Oh.. and I have to edit my post for another reason. It will be at the bottom as to why. I forgot to add something.

I forgot to mention that it makes me wonder why I can't be married when there are so many people (slightly younger than us) and who have not even been dating for as long as us who are already married or engaged.. it makes me feel like it should be US.

[OceanEyes]

It's understandable that if you've been dating for a long time, that you would naturally feel the need to move onto the 'next step'. I've probably felt that way at one time or another in my life as well.

 

Something very important here that I have to stress, and that I can pretty much guarantee you will happen if you get 'pushy' about it, is that he'll continue to resist and eventually start to resent you for it. I totally respect that you feel ready for marriage, but he's told you he isn't, which also should be respected. You should never, ever push or guilt someone into commitment that they're not ready for. You simply cannot rush things like that, they must evolve naturally, and if they don't, then it wasn't meant to be. I have actually fallen out of love because of someone pushing me for things that I could not give.

 

I hate to sound like I'm siding with his parents here, but you are young. Take your time, and remember that just because you know of other couples who have been/ are getting married around your age, it doesn't mean that those relationships will work out in the long run. You should never try to 'convince' someone to marry you. He's told you that he's not ready, which is something you'll have to deal with if you truly love him.

[xmrth]

That's very true-- I do get pushy (yesterday in particular because I just really wanted answers..). He told me that I have to stop asking him and stop trying to push him into it. I'm not pushing him into it, but as long as he feels I am then I may as well be.

I don't ask him every other day, I just ask him maybe once a month usually. It gets into my head and I'm itching to ask. But I promise myself I'll not ask him anymore because I think I pushed it too far yesterday. I told him after I asked him questions about it that we need to forget that conversation and I only asked him because I really wanted answers (which I did.. I just wanted answers) That was how I found out more about what his parents thought, which I think it useful info for me... it just came at the price of annoying him

[Vanilla]

Hey, we're about the same age. I'm turning 20 in one month and my boyfriend of 2+ years just turned 20 yesterday.

 

The other night he asked me "when do you think we'll get married?" and I said "the day you ask me the right way". We both laughed because we both know we will probably wait until after college to tie the knot.

 

Like I told him, I don't mind you asking me to marry you in a year from now, 2 years from now or 6 months from now. Being engaged does not mean we have to marry right away. Personally I don't want to be in a binding relationship until we are settled after college. You never know, sometimes things might change, you may be offered an unbelieveable opportunity or something and then what do you do?

 

I am sure your boyfriend wants to marry YOU, just not yet. Not because he wants to keep his options open incase another girl comes in the picture, but just because he wants to make sure you guys can marry into a more comfortable stable situation.

 

When he says he isnt ready to get married he isnt saying he isnt ready to marry you but he probably wants to give you a better commitment and future. That actually means he probably loves you even more than someone who would marry you right away without even considering how he'd be able to provide for the both of you (not just financially but emotionally and his time).

 

My boyfriend and I are moving in together this summer away from our family and friends, to a whole new country. That'll give us a sense of wether we should probably get engaged, and whatnot.

 

I know you love him, because I also dream about the day we'll be husband and wife. But its something so precious that its worth waiting a little longer to make it right. Now if you're well into your mid 20's and he hasnt even proposed yet I'd start to wonder. I know 5 years is a long time and when its love its love, but it was a very YOUNG 5 years and I think 20s are very complicated age when work and school can change a lot. It's better to be a little patient for now until he is settled in one spot and stable enough to be able to offer you what you really want.

 

Men hate nagging, and this really isn't something worth nagging about yet. Like I said, if you were around 24-25 dating for almost 10 years and he hadnt even proposed yet, I'd be concerned, but live a little more of your 20s and if he is the one for you and you are the one for him he'll be ready around then and you'll both know.

 

Best wishes and cut him some slack for now. Remember, guys mature at a slower pace than most females. Its a fact. I am sure he is a responsible worker, student and great boyfriend, but chances are part of his mind is still stuck somewhere between 17-18 . Just don't worry about it for now ,you're both so young.

[xmrth]

Thank you for your advice, schatzieK.

 

I think you're right. I shouldn't even worry until I'm in my mid 20's.

I still have this feeling that he, or even his parents might feel it's right when he's around that age and we're both settled into careers.

[Luciana]

Honey, I am 44, and I got married at 23. Now I see it was too young. At 37 I got restless, I had not lived life and dated more men.

 

Wait. Why the hurry? If he is meant to be yours you both can wait.

[lisica]

I did not quite get why you want to marry so urgently. Is it because you are looking forward to a fairy tale wedding? Or is it because you guys are not living together yet and you would like to? Cfr. what you said:

 

I'd be happy to be engaged to him and living with him around that time.

[xmrth]

Yes, living with him would be one reason. I do not want to live with him before engagement, though. He agrees as well.

[justsweetgirl]

OceanEyes is right. Do not push. Nothing turns me off as fast as being pressured. Respect his wishes. What you want is not more important than what your boyfriend wants. Remember that. The way you deal with this whole wedding issue may determine the way you handle difficult situations as a couple in the future. Good luck.