Do I leave him ?

[Marnie Bear]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We’ve had a rough year, he refuses to go to therapy and will barely ever work on his baggage. He often times will project that onto me- and when I confront him he makes it out to be my fault for not putting enough effort into the relationship. Which is true, I don’t. I don’t have the energy to at all, I’m so burnt out. He asked me today if I loved him, and to be honest I do but not romantically anymore. I see a future with him but I can’t figure out a way to leave him. Anytime I try to he persuades me into staying so I feel even more stuck or guilty leaving like it might be the wrong decision. I need advice- how do I leave? Am I doing something wrong? Should I just put forth more effort? I can’t force myself to love him more. I don’t know what to do. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you can only fake it for so long.. 😕 

He cannot make you stay. So, maybe write it down all you want to say.. You be blunt- get to the point & mean it!

Then you find that inner strength to just avoid and keep moving ahead.

It's done and you know it... now he has to accept it. Be strong, say what you mean and just be done with it all.

No need to have to keep explaining.. he needs to accept nothing more from you.

Go no contact.. there's no reason for you to continue on that way (explaining yourself etc).

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Yup. You've given your everything into this relationship, lost yourself in the process, and he's emotionally abusive in exchange (which drains you even more).

You're totally right. Trust yourself, and that you will take care of yourself. It's indeed time to leave.

And, Don't worry about what he'll say. It doesn't matter as you've already made your choice, and a good one for you. So you'll have to stick to it and not bend to his guilt-tripping. Say "this is what I want" and you end the discussion. He's an adult and he'll manage.

Be proud you're seeing the way out of this tunnel. Head held high. You can do it. Be easy on yourself.

[lostandhurt]

You are in a boat with him but you are the only one paddling.  What happens when only one person paddles on their side?  You go in circles right?  What happens if you paddle harder?  You go in circles faster is all.

A relationship is a partnership but your partner isn't and doesn't want to contribute and worst of all dumps all the responsibility for the relationship and his happiness on you.

  This isn't healthy and frankly it isn't a relationship, it is more like a codependent situation. You cannot be his caretaker or therapist.

You need to make a plan to leave and then do it.  Make arrangements first. Where you are going to stay, save some money up, have a friend help you move and all that before you sit him down and tell him it is over.  Be honest but kind and tell him you are not In Love with him any longer and you both have gotten into a dysfunctional state that is not healthy for either of you so breaking up is what is best.

Then put your plan into action and leave that day and don't look back.  He will be okay and will probably do much better without you around to blame his own issues on.

For your own sake you should go NC as soon as possible so you don't get sucked back in.

Do you have a close friend that can help you?  Family?

Lost

[Marnie Bear]

Thank you all so much. This is the reassurance I needed. I get so caught up in my own head about whether or not it’s the right decision and that it will hurt him- but I never think about me. He really makes it to be all about how he feels & it is very codependent like you guys said. It is very much just a caregiver relationships which is why I am so drained. I am going to write him a letter since I won’t be able to tell him to his face- I do have places to go if I need to leave. I get nervous about change. We do live together and I’m a 20F and he’s a 21M so I am still young which makes me feel like leaving more. It’s just that I’ve outgrown him and his behaviors and it’s only hurting us now. I hope he’s okay without me but he always tells me if something happens to us he’ll never be able to speak or see me again. I’ve gotten to the point with us where I don’t even imagine him in future situations like Christmas coming up or Halloween- i make plans assuming he won’t be there because I’ve already mentally checked out. And I know he can see this, because I do it with very mundane plans too. 

[Lambert]

It is hard to walk away from someone you have had 4 years with.  But in your case, these were your teenage years.  It's very rare for these relationships to last.  Unless both people are growing together.  Obviously you are not growing together.  

It's completely right and normal for you to grow into the person you are meant to be and that means letting go of people you have outgrown.

It is not his place to "allow" or "agree"  with you to break up.  It takes two to make a relationship, that's true.  But it only takes one to break it.

It does hurt to end a relationship.  But that's can't be the reason you stay together.  Life goes fast.  Stop wasting your time.  Rip the band aid off.  You owe no one.  

Go back to your family or your girlfriends.  Heal yourself.  Figure out what you want out of life.  Be on your own.  You're 20 years old.  This time is about you and who you want to be.  Relationships will come and go. 

You're responsibility is to yourself.  To learn.  To grow.  To have fun.  To explore life.  Being in a broken relationship is wasting your time. (and btw, his)

You want to look back on your life in 70 years and say, I did it my way because my life, my rules...  It's all on you girlfriend... what you do not change, you accept.  

Hope you find the strength... 

[Wiseman2]

 

1 hour ago, Marnie Bear said:

It is very much just a caregiver relationships which is why I am so drained. We do live together and I’m a 20F and he’s a 21M 

Sorry this is happening. Is it your place, his place or are you both on the deed/lease? When is the lease up? 

First take care of practical issues. That means sever all finances, accounts, change all passwords, have your mail forwarded and make arrangements to move back home or wherever.

Skip letters and more negotiating, trying to fix, change, mother or play therapist.

Just get yourself ready to move. Make a clean break without drama. But only when you have severed ties and arranged to move out completely. 

Keep it simple. Just tell him it's not working.

The only person you can fix is yourself and that means not burning yourself out trying a complete overhaul on someone.

Next time. What you see is what you get. Relationships are not about handyman specials where you decide someone needs to go to therapy, work on themselves, etc.

 

[smackie9]

I remember how hard it was to leave a 5 year relationship. Thank god I didn't live with him, or it would have been impossible, because he was so manipulative. I tried to leave many times, and he would do everything to mess me up emotionally. It was terrible and I knew I had to get out. I simply waited when he wasn't around, left a note and the key in the mailbox, and blocked his calls. His friends came around to my work (I worked at a club) and they begged for him. Agh! so stupid! Anyways I stuck to my guns, and glad I did.

You can do the same...plan your escape to prevent him from getting at you.

[Rose Mosse]

I would not write any letters. This is adding fuel to the fire, encouraging more debate and would make splitting up more difficult.

Similar to a comment above, I'd deal with the practicality of splitting any accounts or tying up loose ends and informing the other party that the relationship is over. Keep it tactful and as minimal as possible. It's not a negotiation. Make your plans ahead of time where to stay if you are moving out. Any emotional issues can be dealt with later but what is effectively happening is that your lives are being separated going forward. 

 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Marnie Bear said:

I am going to write him a letter since I won’t be able to tell him to his face-

I would caution against this, unless it's to state that you have already left, and you are gone when he reads it. If so, keep that short--as in one or two sentences.

I would NOT put any details in writing. Period.

There are many reasons for this.

Once you put information down in writing, you are no longer in control of the message. You have no idea whether or how it can be used against you in the future. It's a permanent record that can be altered, shared online, copied to a landlord or debtor--or enemy.

Emotional stuff in writing can also be used to harm you. You cannot know how it will be interpreted, and a temporary impulse is captured as frozen in time--and while you move forward to heal and may have forgotten some of the points you've written, your ex can be stewing over ONE LINE in the letter and work himself into stalkish or otherwise harmful behavior.

Letters offer zero payoff once you've already decided to exit a relationship.

They can only be used as ammunition, and there is no point to offering that.

Head high, and write HERE if it helps, but keep it off of paper or text messaging.