Relationship ambivalence

[JemimaJ]

For months now I’ve felt ambivalent about my relationship. There are times when things are great between us, but others that I feel deeply unhappy. For context he (35m) and I (36f) have been together for just over a year. I have always struggled with feeling confident in my choices and valid in the way that I feel, which doesn’t help the situation. I just don’t know whether the problems are worth working on, or whether they are a clear sign that we are incompatible as partners.

For one, our sex life has been an issue. With some exploration into this Ive discovered that my sexual attraction towards him has frazzled out pretty significantly. It’s definitely not my drive, it’s just with him. I never did want to ‘rip his clothes off’ but in those first few months I think the sex was new and exciting enough to overlook that. I am willing to work on this if I can, but also wonder whether it is something that can actually change or not.  
 
Another thing is that I already have a child (who by the way he has been AMAZING with). He had expressed before that he really wanted children so at the very earlier stages of our relationship I had an upfront and honest conversation with him about the fact that I didn’t want any more. I gave him the opportunity to not pursue anything further but he decided that he still wanted to. Now I just can’t stop thinking he will end up regretting his decision and resenting me. I know I haven’t kept him prisoner and it’s his choice, but I’m finding it a struggle. 

We have quite different perspectives on life.  I am totally open to all beliefs that people have and respect them. But in a relationship, how much will this matter moving forward? I am quite into spirituality and am a pretty deep thinker. He is very much ‘why question anything, life is simple if you don’t think about it too much’. While he never specifically ‘mocks’ me about my interest in this area I’ve noticed he gets a little angry and frustrated about it which now means we never have those kind of conversations. With this being a big part of who I am, I wonder if it’s a big problem or not? 

With there being some clear positives about our relationship I am willing to seek some kind of therapy/counselling together. I just wanted to get some opinions on whether the issues above are resolvable. Thanks 
 

 

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, JemimaJ said:

I am willing to seek some kind of therapy/counselling together.

I don't think it's worth it, only because the sort of problems you describe aren't the kind that therapy will resolve. 

You are incompatible on many significant levels. I would respectfully part ways and not force something that just isn't working. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JemimaJ said:

For months now I’ve felt ambivalent about my relationship. 

You're instincts are correct that you are incompatible on many levels.

It's better to cut your losses than becoming resentful.

You have been together long enough to know that it's not working out.

 

[Kwothe28]

Poor guy. Accepted the kid as his own only to be discarded as a bad lover and not being spiritual enough. Cut your losses now, he will indeed become resentful if you do it later down the line. Its clear you want out and this way both of you can find better matches.

[Lambert]

I don't think poor guy. It should not be a stretch to accept a child from another relationship. If you can't, then you should not have gotten into the relationship. So no. You don't owe him anything. 

I think the concerns you have are valid and cannot be fixed by therapy. You can't change a non-thinker into a deep thinker. 

Also if he's annoyed by your perspectives, that only gets worse.  I remember feelings of being on egg shells because I was being criticized for who I was. It was exhausting.

The sex thing is a big deal, if sex matters to you.  

You've been together a year.  It takes time to see if you want to continue moving forward. And a year is a good amount of time to see him in many situations and how the relationship feels. 

So it seems to me, as an outsider, you gave this a shot. It doesn't work long term.

Just end it. It will suck, but all break ups do.

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, JemimaJ said:

For months now I’ve felt ambivalent about my relationship. There are times when things are great between us, but others that I feel deeply unhappy. For context he (35m) and I (36f) have been together for just over a year. I have always struggled with feeling confident in my choices and valid in the way that I feel, which doesn’t help the situation. I just don’t know whether the problems are worth working on, or whether they are a clear sign that we are incompatible as partners.

For one, our sex life has been an issue. With some exploration into this Ive discovered that my sexual attraction towards him has frazzled out pretty significantly. It’s definitely not my drive, it’s just with him. I never did want to ‘rip his clothes off’ but in those first few months I think the sex was new and exciting enough to overlook that. I am willing to work on this if I can, but also wonder whether it is something that can actually change or not.  
 
Another thing is that I already have a child (who by the way he has been AMAZING with). He had expressed before that he really wanted children so at the very earlier stages of our relationship I had an upfront and honest conversation with him about the fact that I didn’t want any more. I gave him the opportunity to not pursue anything further but he decided that he still wanted to. Now I just can’t stop thinking he will end up regretting his decision and resenting me. I know I haven’t kept him prisoner and it’s his choice, but I’m finding it a struggle. 

We have quite different perspectives on life.  I am totally open to all beliefs that people have and respect them. But in a relationship, how much will this matter moving forward? I am quite into spirituality and am a pretty deep thinker. He is very much ‘why question anything, life is simple if you don’t think about it too much’. While he never specifically ‘mocks’ me about my interest in this area I’ve noticed he gets a little angry and frustrated about it which now means we never have those kind of conversations. With this being a big part of who I am, I wonder if it’s a big problem or not? 

With there being some clear positives about our relationship I am willing to seek some kind of therapy/counselling together. I just wanted to get some opinions on whether the issues above are resolvable. Thanks 
 

 

You will want someone you can converse with and find some intellectual common ground. A relationship will become stale as you’re discovering without this. Do you have an idea of why he shuts down or isn’t open to sharing his ideas with you? You may be judgmental and harsh or argumentative in the way you present your thoughts. It’s something to reflect on. Most people enjoy talking about what they think when they feel comfortable around someone, even the most shy or quiet ones. 

And none of this may have anything to do with you either and only his built-in insecurities about how he perceives himself. Unfortunately you cannot make up for someone else’s insecure behaviour. He has to want the relationship as much as you. 

 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I don't think poor guy. It should not be a stretch to accept a child from another relationship. If you can't, then you should not have gotten into the relationship.

As somebody who was raised by a single mom, I can tell you that it really is a stretch. To make a sacrifice and accept it as his own even if she doesnt want a kids of their own, even bigger stretch. So I can empathize with the guy as I feel he did make a certain sacrifice there just to be with her. Not many men would be willing to do that just to stay there if they arent really sure that is it.

However, yes, I do agree, she doesnt own him a thing. Especially if sex isnt good and she cant get over how he isnt spiritual like her as it is a big part of her life. That is trully not something to work on. So yes, both should go their own way. 

[boltnrun]

Therapy isn't going to make him interested in spirituality.  Just like therapy won't make you disinterested in spirituality.

If these things are important to you and you are not getting them from this relationship, then you're in the wrong relationship.  And staying because he "accepted" your child isn't a good enough reason.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others who said you are incompatible. Also how would you "work" on a lack of sexual attraction on your part?

[SooSad33]

Has only been about a year, and in this time you have come into conflict as to whether you are truly comfortable anymore.

I say do get out of it.. the honeymoon phase is over and you are seeing things more clearly now.

Don't be involved with anyone if you have so many uncertainties, but someone you DO feel truly compatible & accepting with.