Is he messing around on me?

[richdakid5]

I've been dating this guy for about 8 months now. We went to undergrad together and we fooled around there, but nothing serious. In the past 8 months is when things have gotten serious. He made the grad gesture of totally setting up a wonderful birthday for me with candles, balloons, dinner a hotel and so much more. I as well made sure his birthday was just as great as mine was and we see each other very often. As of recently, I've been feeling a little bit uneasy...he has been going out more, which is fine and I don't have a problem with that. But I saw that he still had tinder on his phone. I knew he had it a while ago before things started picking up between the two of us, but I thought it had been deleted. I saw the app on his phone and confronted him about it. He said it was from when he first started using it and he hasnt met anyone on there and he wasn;t interested. He told me that with his schedule, he barely has time to talk to me, which he makes work, so there is no way he has time to talk to any other girls. I did make a fake account and combed through it and did not find his profile...but I feel so uneasy still....what should I do??

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, richdakid5 said:

 I did make a fake account and combed through it and did not find his profile...but I feel so uneasy still....what should I do??

Relax. Perhaps your relationship is settling in when the wining and ding and butterflies moves more toward contentment. 

Do you think he's cheating or did seeing tinder on his phone  creep you out?

[richdakid5]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relax. Perhaps your relationship is settling in when the wining and ding and butterflies moves more toward contentment. 

Do you think he's cheating or did seeing tinder on his phone  creep you out?

Good point...the honeymoon stage doesn't last forever I know. I've raised the topic of being exclusive to him and he did the same to me. One day we were at dinner and I was sending my mom a quick text and he blurted out, are you texting another dude...and like I said, I also let him know that he was the only person I was talking to and he said the same. It was the app on the phone that really spooked me. 

[Batya33]

I think it's no big deal about the app existing on his phone - I have a number of apps on my phone I don't use anymore.  But him being "too busy" to cheat doesn't sound like the kind of thought process that will allow you to continue getting more serious with him.  No one is too busy to date or pursue others to date.  The only thing that matters is do you trust him - not because he's "too busy" to meet anyone else but because you believe even if he had tons of time to date, or look to date or flirt in a suggestive way -he wouldn't because he promised to be exclusive with you and doesn't desire to be with anyone else.  Also I'd be much more clear about "talking to" -that's one of those casual phrases you use when you are too insecure to be direct.  Ask him what his intentions are towards you and this relationship and let him answer.  Then based on what he says tell him that you are only dating him AND only want to date him.  Not just "talking."

Good luck.

[Rose Mosse]

Mention to him that you've deleted the apps on your end and see what he says. He may choose to do the same or not. Naturally most people would delete the app and profile. I don't like clutter on my phone so every app I don't use regularly I delete. "Too busy" is deflective and him not addressing that he still has the dating app present so I can see why you still feel uneasy.

[melancholy123]

It's very possible he just never got around to deleting the app and that he doesn't actually use it.  I have stuff on my phone that I haven't looked at in a long time and some people in my WhatsApp I haven't talked to in a couple of years.  That doesn't mean I am up to something!  I just never deleted them.

Now if you think he's running around on you, that's another story.

[MissCanuck]

OP, to clarify: are you in a relationship with him? 

Or just dating exclusively, but not actually a couple?

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

OP, to clarify: are you in a relationship with him? 

Or just dating exclusively, but not actually a couple

Yea, it's hard to tell whether they officially agreed that they're in a relationship. I hope he's not stringing her along until someone better comes up.

[smackie9]

Some people just assume they are exclusive, but why not just have that conversation..you had a few opportunities there to bring it up.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, richdakid5 said:

 I've raised the topic of being exclusive to him and he did the same to me.  I also let him know that he was the only person I was talking to and he said the same.

Ok it sounds like you've had the exclusive talk and certainly after 8 months of dating that has been clearly established.

It's unclear why he had a dating app on his phone, but as you know, those can be installed/uninstalled in a nanosecond.

 It may be best to observe the general quality of the relationship and his integrity with you.

[richdakid5]

On 8/25/2021 at 3:17 AM, MissCanuck said:

OP, to clarify: are you in a relationship with him? 

Or just dating exclusively, but not actually a couple?

Dating exclusively 

[richdakid5]

On 8/25/2021 at 10:13 AM, smackie9 said:

Some people just assume they are exclusive, but why not just have that conversation..you had a few opportunities there to bring it up.

We've had the conversation. We arent seeing other people per the conversation

[smackie9]

Stop looking through or at his phone.

[richdakid5]

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Stop looking through or at his phone.

I wasnt trying to...we were laying together and he was showing me something......we were so close that there was literally no where else to look. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, richdakid5 said:

we were so close that there was literally no where else to look. 

Agree that's not the solution. It's simply feeling confident in the relationship and carefully observing if his words and actions line up.

[Kwothe28]

On 8/25/2021 at 4:13 PM, smackie9 said:

Some people just assume they are exclusive, but why not just have that conversation..you had a few opportunities there to bring it up.

I think I wrote it on some other thread before that I do find it quite silly. Because here you usually know when you "fool around"(FWB, just lovers etc) and when you are in a relationship and actually dating. I mean they date for 8 months and guy organized her birthday. If he after 8 months thinks that is casual just because she didnt asked and that he can go around then its more of a d i c k move from his side. Saying how he thought they are not exclusive wouldnt be good excuse anyway. Just my 2 cents on issue.

Anyway, OP, did he gave you any other reason to be jealous? Because casually glancing and seeing app is one thing but making a fake profile to check is way over the top reaction. Just having an app doesnt mean that much so its more about do you trust him or not. You dont from some reason.

[richdakid5]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think I wrote it on some other thread before that I do find it quite silly. Because here you usually know when you "fool around"(FWB, just lovers etc) and when you are in a relationship and actually dating. I mean they date for 8 months and guy organized her birthday. If he after 8 months thinks that is casual just because she didnt asked and that he can go around then its more of a d i c k move from his side. Saying how he thought they are not exclusive wouldnt be good excuse anyway. Just my 2 cents on issue.

Anyway, OP, did he gave you any other reason to be jealous? Because casually glancing and seeing app is one thing but making a fake profile to check is way over the top reaction. Just having an app doesnt mean that much so its more about do you trust him or not. You dont from some reason.

In the sense of just him and I, he hasnt given ME a reason not to trust him. But as stated, I've known him from undergrad and he was for sure a "ladies man" in school. I try not to hold that against him because people can change and grow up...but its a time like this that those thoughts linger. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, richdakid5 said:

Dating exclusively 

Out of curiosity, why haven't you become a couple after 8 months? 

[richdakid5]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Out of curiosity, why haven't you become a couple after 8 months? 

Through conversation, he told me he wants to work o getting there with me: and told me he wanted to make sure we really got to knew eachother on a level of not just messing around like in undergrad. He dosent want to make the same mistakes hes made in previous relationships and he was figuing out/ going though a lot with trying to figure out if he wanted to go back to school again or trying to interview and try for a new job. 

[MissCanuck]

8 months is a long time to "get to know each other" before deciding if you want a relationship, in my experience. One doesn't generally need 8 months to not make the same mistakes he made before, whatever that was supposed to mean. Personally, I think he's talking in circles around being in a relationship with you because it's not exactly his goal here. 

My impression is that he might not be actively using Tinder, but he's not really committed to you either. You're dating exclusively but I don't get the sense it's going to go further. And that's probably why seeing Tinder on his phone rubs you the wrong way - it's digging up the uncertainty that surrounds your thing with him. 

Are you okay with still just dating after 8 months, and not actually being his girlfriend?  I would not be, but I can only speak for myself here. 

[Batya33]

18 hours ago, richdakid5 said:

Through conversation, he told me he wants to work o getting there with me: and told me he wanted to make sure we really got to knew eachother on a level of not just messing around like in undergrad. He dosent want to make the same mistakes hes made in previous relationships and he was figuing out/ going though a lot with trying to figure out if he wanted to go back to school again or trying to interview and try for a new job. 

So what was this precise "work" he did -what more did he need to know, specifically -he's throwing around a lot of abstract psychobabble about "work" and "level" but .... hmmm - he has no issue taking the concrete and specific action of looking for dates on tinder.  He knows how to take specific actions towards a goal. when he wants to. Also was he at all concerned about having intercourse with you -risking a potential pregnancy -even though he needed to do more "work" to get to a certain "level" to commit?