Feeling confused

[B_1234]

Hi I didn’t really want to write on any forums etc but didn’t know what else to do so I’d appreciate no judging comments and just advice. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 11 years we are engaged etc and he has a friend from another country to ours so she often comes over and he goes over there she is married has children etc. Now I do trust my partner of course but sometimes when she’s over here and they stay at my house I just feel like a spare part like they do things sometimes me and my partner would do on a weekend and I do want him to be happy and spend time with his friend be barely sees but I can’t help feeling a bit rubbish! 

[Rose Mosse]

I would talk about it but in a non-accusatory way. When I was married I was sometimes perplexed why I felt upset at certain things he did or didn’t do. The root of it was simply that I missed him. You may be missing your partner but finding it difficult to verbalize. 

Does he share the same interests you do? Can you express to him that you miss him or be open about how you feel?

[smackie9]

You have had 11 years of practice to be very open and frank with your partner in how things make you feel...now is the time to start. If you can't then don't get married because in order for a marriage to work, you need good communication. Your feelings are valid, so express them to him.

[LaHermes]

OP. The very fact that you are writing to us on this forum means that you do have misgivings.  

11 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

I can’t help feeling a bit rubbish! 

The fact that you feel like that, OP, is not a good sign. You mention that you are engaged.  Will you be getting married soon?

I have to agree with Smackie.  You need to be quite open with him and tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation. 

Or, let's switch the situation. Imagine that you have a married friend, a man, in another country and you go visit him, and he comes to stay with you and you and your partner, and you give him an inordinate amount of your time. What would your partner's response be, do you think?

[B_1234]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would talk about it but in a non-accusatory way. When I was married I was sometimes perplexed why I felt upset at certain things he did or didn’t do. The root of it was simply that I missed him. You may be missing your partner but finding it difficult to verbalize. 

Does he share the same interests you do? Can you express to him that you miss him or be open about how you feel?

Just finding it all hard he doesn’t see things from my view! I asked today if I could be invited got told I’m not invited to visit his family so stayed home! Then they were going go to beach after but got told I wasn’t invited to that eithe! So just bit rubbish 

[B_1234]

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

OP. The very fact that you are writing to us on this forum means that you do have misgivings.  

The fact that you feel like that, OP, is not a good sign. You mention that you are engaged.  Will you be getting married soon?

I have to agree with Smackie.  You need to be quite open with him and tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation. 

Or, let's switch the situation. Imagine that you have a married friend, a man, in another country and you go visit him, and he comes to stay with you and you and your partner, and you give him an inordinate amount of your time. What would your partner's response be, do you think?

I know I often wonder how he would feel I have got male friends myself but we just meet for a drink or food nothing like this! I can imagine he would just say he didn’t care till it happened  

[B_1234]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

You have had 11 years of practice to be very open and frank with your partner in how things make you feel...now is the time to start. If you can't then don't get married because in order for a marriage to work, you need good communication. Your feelings are valid, so express them to him.

Thanks very much! I feel I need to address it when she’s gone home or he will just claim I’m ruining the time 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

Thanks very much! I feel I need to address it when she’s gone home or he will just claim I’m ruining the time 

Sorry this is happening. He should not only not be taking her on dates while she is there but excluding you is disrespectful.

Is it your house? Yes discuss that this is unacceptable. You don't need permission to go with your partner when he is entertaining friends from out of town, particularly if you are hosting her in your home.

[B_1234]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He should not only not be taking her on dates while she is there but excluding you is disrespectful.

Is it your house? Yes discuss that this is unacceptable. You don't need permission to go with your partner when he is entertaining friends from out of town, particularly if you are hosting her in your home.

Yes it is my house! I just get told I’m not invited places and I’m just in a mood.

[LaHermes]

39 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

I asked today if I could be invited got told I’m not invited to visit his family so stayed home! Then they were going go to beach after but got told I wasn’t invited to that eithe! So just bit rubbish 

I am amazed that you are tolerating this, OP.  It isn't that he doesn't see things from your point of view. He just has no respect for you. You mention that you are engaged, and as I asked above, when will you be marrying?  The whole situation seems downright strange to me.  

Does this sort of disrespect also exist in other areas of your life together (over past eleven years).

He just "tells" you, just like that.  People tell their household staff (if they have any) what to do. You are his fiancée!  Time you made yourself clear to him. 

[B_1234]

5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I am amazed that you are tolerating this, OP.  It isn't that he doesn't see things from your point of view. He just has no respect for you. You mention that you are engaged, and as I asked above, when will you be marrying?  The whole situation seems downright strange to me.  

Does this sort of disrespect also exist in other areas of your life together (over past eleven years)

I feel I put up with it because way he makes me feel like saying they are good friends and don’t get to see each other much so I shouldn’t be ruining the time togethe! And no idea we are planning to buy a house in the next year! And no it seems just different then before when they became friends! I had a friend in past who was a boy and he was awful about me spending time with him always making me feel guilty and we only went shopping nothing like this! 

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, B_1234 said:

I had a friend in past who was a boy and he was awful about me spending time with him always making me feel guilty and we only went shopping nothing like this! 

He really is doing a number on you OP.  You do know what gaslighting is?  He can't make you feel anything if you don't let him.  Why has he this hold over you?  I am trying to get a picture of your situation. 

[B_1234]

5 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

He really is doing a number on you OP.  You do know what gaslighting is?  He can't make you feel anything if you don't let him.  Why has he this hold over you?  I am trying to get a picture of your situation. 

I just don’t feel important I guess. He just knows the right things to say and doesn’t help that we share a house and I don’t get paid loads and he does so he can always use that! He’ll just say I couldn’t afford to go alone etc 

[LaHermes]

2 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

I don’t get paid loads and he does so he can always use that! He’ll just say I couldn’t afford to go alone etc 

Well that sure isn't the "right" thing to say to anyone.  And is quite beside the point anyhow.  You are sharing a house, so what. You are engaged to be married! 

Do you actually want to marry this man and live like this for the rest of your life, like a second-class citizen.  

I can see that your self-esteem and self-worth are at zero, OP.  He really has done a number on you.

Of course you can go it alone. You wouldn't be the first or the last. 

[B_1234]

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well that sure isn't the "right" thing to say to anyone.  And is quite beside the point anyhow.  You are sharing a house, so what. You are engaged to be married! 

Do you actually want to marry this man and live like this for the rest of your life, like a second-class citizen.  

I can see that your self-esteem and self-worth are at zero, OP.  He really has done a number on you.

Of course you can go it alone. You wouldn't be the first or the last. 

Don’t even know what I want right now it’s so hard because he’s all I’ve known for 11 whole years just can’t imagine anyone else wanting me! 

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

Don’t even know what I want right now it’s so hard because he’s all I’ve known for 11 whole years just can’t imagine anyone else wanting me! 

Yes you do know what you want!  You have been demeaned by this individual for eleven years. That's eleven valuable years of your life gone!  You have good years ahead of you, don't waste them.

What makes you think no one else might want you.  What do you think is wrong with you? Or did he also tell you this, thereby making you feel even more worthless.  He doesn't love you, has no respect for you, and never will.

This individual is no prize, that I can tell you.  How on earth did you get entangled with him?

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

I just don’t feel important I guess. He just knows the right things to say and doesn’t help that we share a house and I don’t get paid loads and he does so he can always use that! He’ll just say I couldn’t afford to go alone etc 

That is literally a manipulation. 

Listen OP, all those feelings, feeling unimportant, how he is your everything, how you cant go away, comes from the same place, him. He manipulates you so you would be obedient and stay home while he is out with his "friend" doing who knows what. Dont fall for that, gather courage and throw him out on the ass.

[B_1234]

2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Yes you do know what you want!  You have been demeaned by this individual for eleven years. That's eleven valuable years of your life gone!  You have good years ahead of you, don't waste them.

What makes you think no one else might want you.  What do you think is wrong with you? Or did he also tell you this, thereby making you feel even more worthless.  He doesn't love you, has no respect for you, and never will.

This individual is no prize, that I can tell you.  How on earth did you get entangled with him?

He does say things to me sometimes because if I do something silly like forget to put a colour catcher in wash or move something of his if I’m cleaning up  then If I do these things by choice or I don’t see the problem! The relationship used to be so good the best that’s why I got engaged and got a house but now I just feel so sad 

[MissCanuck]

My strong impression is that this "friendship" with her is the symptom of much bigger problems in your relationship. 

The fact that he is actively excluding you is ridiculous, and there is no way I would accept that. But it says a lot about the overall dynamic between you, and I would imagine that's how it goes: he does what he wants without a lot of consideration for your feelings, and makes you feel bad when you express your concerns. And you go along with it because you think nobody else would want you and you can't afford the house by yourself. 

Is that fairly accurate? 

[LaHermes]

8 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

He does say things to me sometimes because if I do something silly like forget to put a colour catcher in wash or move something of his if I’m cleaning up  then If I do these things by choice or I don’t see the problem!

You are NOT a servant OP!  Do not tolerate this behaviour any longer.  I can promise you it will simply get worse.  You are seeing the real him, and the view isn't nice!

However, that's beside the point. What are you going to do. I ask again, why do you think no one else would want you?   Is this what he has told you?

You remark:

"they stay at my house I just feel like a spare part"

I regret to say, OP, that to him you ARE just a "spare part". 

[B_1234]

20 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

My strong impression is that this "friendship" with her is the symptom of much bigger problems in your relationship. 

The fact that he is actively excluding you is ridiculous, and there is no way I would accept that. But it says a lot about the overall dynamic between you, and I would imagine that's how it goes: he does what he wants without a lot of consideration for your feelings, and makes you feel bad when you express your concerns. And you go along with it because you think nobody else would want you and you can't afford the house by yourself. 

Is that fairly accurate? 

Yes I just feel like that’s exactly how it is! I’m embarrassed to even tell my family it just doesn’t seem right. Just feel that’s exactly right I just feel I won’t be good enough for anyone else 

[B_1234]

18 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You are NOT a servant OP!  Do not tolerate this behaviour any longer.  I can promise you it will simply get worse.  You are seeing the real him, and the view isn't nice!

However, that's beside the point. What are you going to do. I ask again, why do you think no one else would want you?   Is this what he has told you?

You remark:

"they stay at my house I just feel like a spare part"

I regret to say, OP, that to him you ARE just a "spare part". 

No he hasn’t told me no one else would want me I suppose I just have a low opnion of myself! 

[LaHermes]

31 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

I suppose I just have a low opnion of myself! 

Why do you think that is?  I would wager it is because of his treatment of you.  His lack of respect, the way he is behaving, not including you, treating you as if you were just the "daily help".  

Now is the time to get a new decent life for yourself. You are just as worthy as anyone else. Remember that. 

You said at the outset that you "would appreciate advice". 

Well, here you have it.  

And you just remarked:

"I’m embarrassed to even tell my family it just doesn’t seem right. Just feel that’s exactly right I just feel I won’t be good enough for anyone else"

Why would you be embarrassed OP?  It is HIS behaviour that is embarrassing and unacceptable. 

Again, as you keep repeating this: why do you think no one else would want you? Just saying you have a low opinion of yourself is not sufficient. There must be reasons why you feel this way, and I am sure he has made sure he ground you down to the point where this is all you can feel.

Turn to your family, get support where you can and forge a decent life for yourself. 

[B_1234]

16 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Why do you think that is?  I would wager it is because of his treatment of you.  His lack of respect, the way he is behaving, not including you, treating you as if you were just the "daily help".  

Now is the time to get a new decent life for yourself. You are just as worthy as anyone else. Remember that. 

You said at the outset that you "would appreciate advice". 

Well, here you have it.  

I appreciate the fact you have took time out to help me and give me advice! I am so grateful! I’m in the middle of writing my feelings down 

[LaHermes]

Everyone here is thinking of what's GOOD for you, OP. You won't get bad advice either. 

What we want to hear now is what are you planning to do? It is good to write down your feelings. But even better to face up to him and clearly state you are no longer prepared to put up with his overbearing ways.  You cannot just remain in limbo like this.