Feeling confused

[B_1234]

20 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Everyone here is thinking of what's GOOD for you, OP. You won't get bad advice either. 

What we want to hear now is what are you planning to do? It is good to write down your feelings. But even better to face up to him and clearly state you are no longer prepared to put up with his overbearing ways.  You cannot just remain in limbo like this.

 

I have wrote it all down and ready to express it! I just have included every single little detail and won’t let him till me I’m wrong j

[B_1234]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That is literally a manipulation. 

Listen OP, all those feelings, feeling unimportant, how he is your everything, how you cant go away, comes from the same place, him. He manipulates you so you would be obedient and stay home while he is out with his "friend" doing who knows what. Dont fall for that, gather courage and throw him out on the ass.

Thanks so much!! Just feel so all over the place it’s so hard! 

[LaHermes]

Just feel so all over the place it’s so hard! 

That's what eleven years with this destructive individual has done to you. 

Get your courage together and ditch this loser.

[smackie9]

It sounds to me you have never known yourself, who you truly are and can be...that your whole identity is this relationship..that's why you feel trapped/feeling of no worth because this is all you know.

[B_1234]

6 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It sounds to me you have never known yourself, who you truly are and can be...that your whole identity is this relationship..that's why you feel trapped/feeling of no worth because this is all you know.

Yes this is true we’ve been together since age of 15 so I suppose from then till now where I am 26 it is all I’ve Felt!

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

Yes this is true we’ve been together since age of 15 so I suppose from then till now where I am 26 it is all I’ve Felt!

No wonder you feel lost, OP. It sounds like you two have settled into this because you're familiar to each other but aren't necessarily in love with each other anymore. 

How long have you been engaged? 

[smackie9]

I worked with someone that had been dating with their SO since they were 12. They split up at around age 21 for a few months. Not sure if they checked out to see if the grass was greener on the other side, but, they ended up missing each other terribly. It's now 5 years later... they are happily married with two children.

[LaHermes]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It sounds like you two have settled into this because you're familiar to each other but aren't necessarily in love with each other anymore. 

How long have you been engaged? 

I ask the same OP.

[LaHermes]

23 hours ago, B_1234 said:

he has a friend from another country to ours so she often comes over and he goes over there she is married has children etc

 

23 hours ago, B_1234 said:

but sometimes when she’s over here and they stay at my house I just feel like a spare part

 

22 hours ago, B_1234 said:

I asked today if I could be invited got told I’m not invited to visit his family so stayed home! Then they were going go to beach after but got told I wasn’t invited to that eithe! So just bit rubbish 

Please re-read all this! It's the craziest set-up I have ever heard of. 

You have to tackle this toxic state of affairs head on, OP. Do you want to waste the rest of your life?

[boltnrun]

You have been asked this several times but haven't answered: when is the wedding date?

[B_1234]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You have been asked this several times but haven't answered: when is the wedding date?

No wedding date as of yet judt planning to buy a house! We have been engaged for 5 years! 

[B_1234]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No wonder you feel lost, OP. It sounds like you two have settled into this because you're familiar to each other but aren't necessarily in love with each other anymore. 

How long have you been engaged? 

Sorry we have been engaged about 5 years!! 

[DancingFool]

5 minutes ago, B_1234 said:

No wedding date as of yet judt planning to buy a house! We have been engaged for 5 years! 

Please do not buy a house with him. Also, engaged without a date set and going for 5 years now is you getting strung along with a promise without action.

You've become so conditioned over the years to be treated like garbage, you don't seem to know right from wrong anymore. So all I can tell you looking in from the outside, is that your relationship is toxic and you need to end things and get away from this guy. He is using, abusing, and manipulating you to a horrifying degree and you are just rolling over and putting up with like it's normal. 

This woman he is calling a "friend" is probably someone he is screwing. Sorry to be so crass, but come on. If anything about this above board, you'd be a part of their friendship as you should be as his SO.  Instead, he tells you to your face that you are not welcome, that you are not invited and you are OK with this?

OP, you've got to wake up and snap out of this. There literally nothing normal, OK, or acceptable about the way you are being treated. Trust your own instincts - you feel second class because that's how he is treating you. You can't talk to your family and friends because you know deep down that they would be horrified on your behalf and rally for you to leave and get away from him. You do need to find it in you to go and yes, speak up and tell people so you can get the support that you need and close the door on going back to him.

Marrying this guy would be the worst mistake of your life. Quite frankly, spending another day with him is already a mistake and time you will never get back. You are ONLY 26 - RUN and seek better for yourself. Also, please get some counseling to understand why you stayed and put up with such bs for so long so you don't end up with another jerk.

[reinventmyself]

On 8/22/2021 at 12:08 PM, B_1234 said:

Yes I just feel like that’s exactly how it is! I’m embarrassed to even tell my family it just doesn’t seem right. Just feel that’s exactly right I just feel I won’t be good enough for anyone else 

How about being good enough for yourself?   Consider the idea that your worth isn't measured by someone else and that being single, at least for the time being is a healthy option. 

Your worth is determined by you.   You care enough about yourself that don't stick around someone who does not treat you with the respect you believe you deserve.  It starts with you.

Why does he do these things?  Because you allow it and you don't do anything about it.

Yes, it may mean that you tell him you've had enough and you walk away.  But that's where self esteem comes from.  Taking care of yourself.  When you don't you become a target for users like him.  You don't stay out of fear of being alone.

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Please do not buy a house with him. Also, engaged without a date set and going for 5 years now is you getting strung along with a promise without action.

You've become so conditioned over the years to be treated like garbage, you don't seem to know right from wrong anymore.

I add my plea to that of DF. Not only has he strung you along but he has actually brainwashed you.  This is terrible. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, B_1234 said:

No wedding date as of yet judt planning to buy a house! We have been engaged for 5 years! 

He is not going to marry you.

Are you putting down money for the house? Is he going to allow you to have your name on the title?