Long-term Boyfriend wants to break up but stay exclusive friends with benefits

[Gemma g]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years since we were seniors in college. We are each other’s first real relationships. We’ve had our fights over the years and did long distance for a little bit but we were always able to figure things out. At the beginning of the summer he first said he didn’t really want to be in a relationship anymore because he was suffering from anxiety/stress/mild depression. We decided on staying together another month to see how things go while he could work on his mental health issues. His mental health improved and we were really happy: going on dates, hanging out, texting all day, and having sex. He said he thought he would want to continue the relationship because he still loves me.  Then he went back to college for a weekend and came back home and said he was unsure about us now. He said that we were each other’s first and that we don’t know what else is out there and maybe we should split up. He says he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship for our senior year of college. We decided again to push it off another month and again we were really happy, more than we have been in a really long time. Now we are both heading back to school this week (we go to the same college) and he proposed we do an ‘exclusive friends with benefits’ relationship for as long as we want unless we meet other people. He also said we can still hang out and text and go get food together like normal but just wouldn’t have the label of boyfriend/girlfriend.  I haven’t told any of my friends or my family that we’ve been going through this the past three months.  I also am living in a studio apartment this year right across the street from him and over college his friends have become my social circle. I used to suffer from depression and I’m afraid to go back to that state if we are no longer together and I lose all those friends and him.  He’s my best friend and even though I am mad and heartbroken over this whole situation, he’s still the first person I want to see and hold when I’m upset. I just don’t know what to do. I would do anything for him and I am crazy in love with him and he says he’s still in love with me too.

[DarkCh0c0]

As hard as this is, you need to distance yourself from him. He just wants the benefits of the relationship without the hard work and that is not fair to you- you want to be in a relationship with him. He's also on and off, and that does you no good. So let him go and work on yourself and finding other friends and a man that really wants to commit to you.

The more you'll stay around him, the more you'll feel hurt and used by him, until one day he says Bye, I found someone- and you'll be even more hurt.

So, again, distance yourself from his drama. Work on being a happier you, and the right serious man will come along the way. Someone who "loves" you doesn't change his mind every month. You're a serious woman looking for a serious committed man. It's that simple.

And no, don't let your depression be an excuse to stay with him and be used by him. You are worthy and can make it with or without him. You have the power within you, and your depression's causes come from other sources that your friend/ex here. So you need to work on these instead with a professional.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Gemma g said:

Long-term Boyfriend wants to break up but stay exclusive friends with benefits

What do you want?  It would be better to consult a physician and therapist to get help for the depression/anxiety than to be demoted to FWB. 

[melancholy123]

You need to end this. FWB is not going to wrk for you as you are still hung up on him.  He wants to use you for sex and that is so not fair to you.  It's totally wrong.  

You need to develop new friends, join groups at school, and distance yourself from him.  Being each others first doesn't mean you have hang onto a relationship that is not going to work.

[HeartGoesOn]

Sounds like he's trying to pitch a glorious speech in order for you to stoop to the level of FWBs.  

In other words, if he doesn't want your heart, he doesn't deserve your body. Maybe it's time for you to raise your standards...

[Lambert]

11 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

As hard as this is, you need to distance yourself from him. He just wants the benefits of the relationship without the hard work and that is not fair to you- you want to be in a relationship with him. He's also on and off, and that does you no good. So let him go and work on yourself and finding other friends and a man that really wants to commit to you.

The more you'll stay around him, the more you'll feel hurt and used by him, until one day he says Bye, I found someone- and you'll be even more hurt.

So, again, distance yourself from his drama. Work on being a happier you, and the right serious man will come along the way. Someone who "loves" you doesn't change his mind every month. You're a serious woman looking for a serious committed man. It's that simple.

And no, don't let your depression be an excuse to stay with him and be used by him. You are worthy and can make it with or without him. You have the power within you, and your depression's causes come from other sources that your friend/ex here. So you need to work on these instead with a professional.

I 2nd @DarkCh0c0

Do not fall for this BS! You can make new friends. He's being a selfish jerk! Tell your friends and family. You need your support system around you. Do not protect him!

Do not let him use you!  Turn the tables and dump him! This is soooo wrong on many levels. He needs to grow up. You are not just his booty call after 3 years. 

If you do this... he will use you and date other women. Then when you're hurt, he'll say you agreed. is that good enough for you? 

The break up does hurt but FWB will torture you. 

To get respect, you gotta start with yourself.  You go back to college single and see for yourself, you can do this.... it might even be the best thing!❤

[SooSad33]

No, don't let him 'use you to get over you'. Sounds like this is what he's doing. 😕 

None of this is good for YOU.  You need a clean break, as mentioned.  It will NOT do you any good to keep dragging it all on.

In order to work on accepting/ let go/ heal etc, you need to stop everything re: him.

And also, as mentioned,  to do this push/ pull is damaging and will drag you down more.  None of this is fair on you.

If he's done, then be done.  No games, no using you.

 

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, Gemma g said:

he proposed we do an ‘exclusive friends with benefits’ relationship for as long as we want unless we meet other people.

Holy crap, the nerve of this guy. I would have drop-kicked him to the curb for having the cojones to even suggest this. 

It's a terrible idea, OP. Please don't go along with this. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and keep having sex until he finds your replacement. You will get your heart absolutely crushed if you agree to this. It says a lot about his lack of respect for you.

14 hours ago, Gemma g said:

he says he’s still in love with me too.

He isn't being honest about this. I don't doubt that he cares about you, in the sense that he actually want to hurt you, but he isn't in love anymore. There is no way he would break up with you if he were, nor would he even think of using you for sex while he looks for someone else. Chances are that he's already got his eye on someone else, but doesn't want to let you go until he's sure it will go somewhere with her. 

It hurts a lot, but this relationship has run its course. Don't continue to hang around him hoping he changes his mind. This isn't going to work out.