Girlfriend pushing me away due to recent incident causing depression/anxiety

[Tricky]

Hi,

I'm 37 and my girlfriend is 29.  Her mother died in an accident when she was 11 and her Dad was never around.  We met 6 years ago and dated, but it ended because she lied and cheated on me.  I mention her background because it's part of what makes her a "complicated" girl and why she struggled in her younger years.

A few months back we reconnected.  We had many long talks and she convinced me she's a different person now and loves me and wouldn't hurt me again.  She told me she's done dating and only wants to be with me or nobody at all and I'm the greatest guy she's ever known.

 

She has a 8 year old girl and the father lives in Colorado and we're in Kentucky.  Her daughter is spending a few weeks in Colorado and this has caused her to feel depressed.  But she was coping and leaning on me.

Her and the father have always faught ober custody.  On the night of the 4th of July, she had a fight with her brother at the lake house and drove home after drinking.  I was on the phone with her when she got pulled over and we were talking about trips we were going to take, how in love she was with me, etc.  She called me later from jail a total mess.  She believed it would be used against her to take her daughter.  She has her own hair salon and I saw today checking her website that she blocked out taking any appointments for the next month.  She loves her work and has apparently for now decided to not work for another month, she clearly she's in a bad place.

She told me the next day she wanted space, was too depressed to focus on a relationship now, and asked me not to call anymore.  Her daughter comes back home on July 18th.  She was meeting with her therapist this week.  Will her sorting out the DUI with her attorney, talking to her therapist, then getting her daughter back home get her back happy and able to pick our relationship back up?  Everything was great until her daughter left.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Tricky said:

Will her sorting out the DUI with her attorney, talking to her therapist, then getting her daughter back home get her back happy and able to pick our relationship back up?

These are all tall orders, considering the mess she's gotten herself into. 

So, I would not hold your breath there, I'm sorry to say. She was teetering on the edge if her daughter going to visit her dad for a few weeks sent her into this destructive spiral so quickly. You may not have realized it, but she was already in an unstable emotional place if this all fell apart so dramatically. 

She is right that now is not the time for her to worry about a relationship. She has some serious problems to resolve, and that will take a long time. The emotional fall-out from this will be significant, I imagine. 

I would recognize that she isn't a viable candidate for a long-term relationship at this point, and work on letting her go. You don't have much other choice, really, if she's already called it off. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Tricky said:

She called me later from jail a total mess.  She believed it would be used against her to take her daughter.  

Hopefully she'll lose custody of the daughter. People who drive drunk shouldn't be alone with kids.

Stay far away from this.

Ask yourself why you are still in touch and what's missing from your own life that this insincere flattery  and drunken drivel appeals to you.

Everything wasn't "fine until the daughter went away". 

She clearly has alcohol problems and her life is a mess as a result.

[smackie9]

She's 29, and her life is worse than it has ever been. There is no place for you in her life. You can't rescue her, she needs to rescue herself. You just can't fix this..nope, noway, never. I speak from experience, when the person in your life has these issues, the only way for them to seriously seek help is when they hit rock bottom. All you were doing was just holding her head above the water just enough....

 

 

[boltnrun]

You can't make her problems about you. Simply said, the last thing in the world she should be focusing on is trying to have a romantic relationship.

Step away completely. She needs to get her life together.

[Rose Mosse]

It doesn't sound like you healed properly after the first break up with her when she cheated on you and treated you poorly. Perhaps you're coming back into this hoping for better but missing out all the warning signs. 

You don't have much of a choice except to step back and distance yourself. She told you she's not open to a relationship. You're 37 - figure out why you continue to be drawn to her and what you want out of your own life going forward. You'll keep repeating the same mistakes with the same types of people. If not her, it'll be someone else with similar issues. What's holding you back from asking for more out of your relationships?

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Tricky said:

She told me the next day she wanted space, was too depressed to focus on a relationship now, and asked me not to call anymore.  Her daughter comes back home on July 18th.  She was meeting with her therapist this week.  Will her sorting out the DUI with her attorney, talking to her therapist, then getting her daughter back home get her back happy and able to pick our relationship back up?  Everything was great until her daughter left.

First off, how do you know all was great until her dtr left?

Have you two been chatting the last 5 yrs ( or 5 mos)?

Second, if this is how she deals with 'every stressor', you know what you're in for. 😕 

Third, are you willing to accept her instability and her reasoning as 'pulling away', her answer to everything?

Fourth, she is a drinker? Ohhh so not good, at all!  Does she lean on alcy all the time? - Addiction is harmful.

Her therapy will be necssary and ongoing for a good while yet, before there will be any real progress.

Is sad, she is struggling in so many ways.. but you cannot 'fix' her.  She will most likely be battling these demons for a good while . Not sure you really want to keep 'picking her up'?  It will bring you down.

She may not be a cheater now - but she's got a whole lot of stuff to work on yet - she just is not 'stable'.

Is best, when like this to remain single (so no expectations) and to focus on yourself only.

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure losing her mother, along with other issues growing up were traumatic, however her current issues are all about her own choices. 

These incidents have the tendency to escalate, and you have no control, nor can you fix how she chooses to live her life.

It may be helpful to look at this in the long term.

[gamon]

Aim higher.

[abitbroken]

You don't need to solve her problems.

She is a trainwreck.  There are people who have lost their parents, but do not cheat on people.  Stop trying to figure out why she does what she does and decide that you deserve better than this

[abitbroken]

btw, i bet she is not taking appointments because she lost her license or has to do some jail time, just my guess