Separate or Leave ????

[XxxSamantha2879]

Need help.

I’ve been in a relationship for close to 8 years. The first four years were amazing because we didn’t live together we had issues here and there but nothing we couldn’t overcome. Fast forward, we have been living together for the past 4 years and through out the course of our relationship it has been nothing but problems. It’s either his mom over stepping her boundaries, (ended two years ago of her staying over) NO anniversary, and date night twice a year. I tried therapy and talking to him, but nothing is improving. It’s to the point that now I am very unhappy because the relationship is not progressing and he’s not ready to commit so why  am I here. Should I leave and focus on my happiness or should I separate for atleast a year and figure things out. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

I leave and focus on my happiness or should I separate for atleast a year and figure things out. 

Move out. Start severing things financially and emotionally. Talk to trusted friends and family. Decide on a course of action, depending on if it's your place, his place or you co-own/co-lease.

When you've lined everything up tell him it's not working, then follow through and move out/give him notice.

If you can just walk away do so. But don't go back or create unnecessary drama with on/off, moving in/out., etc.

He's not going to have an epiphany if you move out. If he wanted a commitment it would have happened years ago.

It's been long enough to know you are incompatible and just playing house coasting along silently seething.

[Rose Mosse]

It's best if you move on entirely. Don't do the back and forth. Plan it out and do it. 

Keep in mind - happiness is relative. You'll go through your own changes and rollercoaster separating so leave room for unhappiness and low points. Bracing for that you'll be able to manage your expectations a bit better and avoid cycling back to a relationship that isn't working for you. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

NO anniversary, and date night twice a year. I tried therapy and talking to him, but nothing is improving. It’s to the point that now I am very unhappy because the relationship is not progressing and he’s not ready to commit so why  am I here. Should I leave and focus on my happiness

You've been living together 4 years.. so, commit how?

IMO, you're miserable, whether you 'commit' or not.

Yes, if things would improve for you with leaving, then is maybe best to do so.

If things have been going nowhere but downhill over the last few yrs, then I doubt another year will change that.

 

 

[XxxSamantha2879]

Commit as to taking the next steps in our relationship. I have told him maybe I’m not the person whom he wants to marry and if that’s the case we don’t need to be together or even get a house.

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

Commit as to taking the next steps in our relationship. I have told him maybe I’m not the person whom he wants to marry and if that’s the case we don’t need to be together or even get a house.

Whaat did he say to that?

[XxxSamantha2879]

He’s doesn’t want to get married if we have problems as per usual 

[catfeeder]

Speaking only for myself, I would consider a separation only useful if I'd already taken marriage vows and had a legal obligation to decide whether I was one step away from dissolving marital assets to start a single life on my own OR whether my husband and I might instead work toward saving the marriage.

But 'separation' from a live-in partner who's ditched any effort toward a happy relationship?

Not a shot.

I'd seek legal advice if I have any legal entanglements such as shared debt or assets, but beyond that, I'd head for the hills and start a new life full of possibilities to shoot for.

Sure, even a dullard of a partner can offer some small degree of comfort in habit, but that wouldn't be enough for me. Once I learned how to thrive solo and enJOY being single, my bar has been set very high for any potential partner.

Personally, I'd rather be happy alone than settle for ANY guy who didn't bring joy to my life.

That's just me, and nobody here can tell you what you 'should' do. My take is, why would I ever put my own happiness in the hands of someone else? Either I'm happy with a partner, or he's free to go live his life without me--and I've never regretted holding such a standard.

To me, there is no hell worse than being with the wrong person.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

should I separate for atleast a year

This is pointless and a waste of time. 

It's time to just end this. It hasn't worked for a long time and you've been unhappy for years. The relationship itself died a while ago, it seems. I would break up. 

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

we have been living together for the past 4 years and through out the course of our relationship it has been nothing but problems. It’s either his mom over stepping her boundaries, (ended two years ago of her staying over) NO anniversary, and date night twice a year. I tried therapy and talking to him, but nothing is improving. It’s to the point that now I am very unhappy because the relationship is not progressing and he’s not ready to commit so why  am I here. Should I leave and focus on my happiness or should I separate for atleast a year and figure things out. 

ALL of the above is very good reason to end this miserable relationship and focus on your own happiness.  You're basically wasting your life.  WHY? Clearly you are very unhappy with him so there really is no point to "separate a year and figure things out".  Totally pointless and a massive waste of time and energy.

The big question is:  Will you end it?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, XxxSamantha2879 said:

He’s doesn’t want to get married if we have problems as per usual 

It's the other way around. He generates problems because he doesn't want to get married.

He wants free live in sex and housekeeping, not a partnership.

Run 👟👟.