cassiana Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I totally agree with your advice. In my own situations I have been very rigid about NC and following the rules hasn't worked for me. Still I believe Nc is the right thing to do. Your advice about playing it cool and not bringing up the relationship would all be what I would day. What fascinates me about this thread is its longevity. You all hang in there and care for gradle. Her ex too is still on the scene. It just seems to me that Gradle must have some indefinable appeal. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 I have been where Gradle has been as well, and just as Annie said, it's almost like going back and yelling at the person I used to be. Those tactics didn't work for me and they aren't working for Gradle either. In my own situations I have been very rigid about NC and following the rules hasn't worked for me. Still I believe Nc is the right thing to do. If you mean it hasn't worked in terms of getting the ex back, that's not how it's supposed to work. It's supposed to help you learn to move on with your own life without the ex. In this case we are not recommending complete NC to Gradle, but we are encouraging her to calm down and back off, since her ex has begged her over and over for space and breathing room. It has shown that when she does back off, he tends to come around. Each case is individual, and in this one, it's pretty clear what J is asking for, and that is space from Gradle and the relationship. If she gives it him, maybe he will consider coming back, maybe not. The point is going the way she is going hasn't worked so well and she's disrespected J's wishes consistantly, and we are trying to help her get back on track. Link to comment
Mun Posted June 29, 2005 Share Posted June 29, 2005 What fascinates me about this thread is its longevity. You all hang in there and care for gradle. Her ex too is still on the scene. It just seems to me that Gradle must have some indefinable appeal. What might be contributing to the threads longevity is the fact that gradle hasn't started another topic regarding this relationship. From what I see she only had one other before this. So all her updates and subsequent advice is in one place. Hence the length Oh and yea, I did alot of the same mistakes she did with my last guy--why I know they don't work. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 whoa... sorry, i was out of the office for most of the day and i just got back...apparently i've missed a lot.. yes, i think the reason my thread is so long is b/c i've been keepign with the same post for most of the time...i wish i had some undefinable appeal (don't we all?)..but i'm assuming if i did i woudn't even be in this situation think that i am extremely lucky to have great friends, to have wonderful patient people in this forum, and to have an ex who is wonderful adn patient as well... i do not think that my actions/attitudes are something that for the most part most people should follow,...i think most situations are different..and in fact, when j and i went through something a little bit like this (in a much less serious situation) i did in fact do absolute NC, for over a year...and j came back in full force and it was wonderful...he had told me how much he respected me for standing up for myself, that he would have done the same, but i always knew that i would continue to hear about him adn run into him at the time...and when he did come back, it was after i had already considered it finished...just like the typical stories ...and if j and i were in the same situation as before, i would have done it in a heartbeat...but knowing we'd be thousands of miles apart made me CRAZY! and it still makes me crazy, less so a little bit b/c i know i have some wonderful times ahead with my friends in dc (and you guys of course, no hope, i would never leave you guys, you have been here for me and have brought me great strength that probably you will never even know...) at the same time, j and i aren't back together, so please, no one think that i've in any way "won"...i have a lot of work to do, as so many people have mentioned, on myself, i have to become more independent and happier on my own.... and i hope that will make me a better partner in the future... but i feel like j and i are at a serious point here...and i realize that thigns will probably not get much better before we have to go our own ways, but i have to believe that we can at least make it civilly through this period so there is hope for the future...i am not willing to give that hope up. i think j has put up with me like this (acting crazy) is b/c i was always very good and loyal and trustworthy to him throughout the 6 years we've known each other, i've always told him how i feel about him, never pretended, i was probably too giving (as most of the literature says women should not be)...and i think he also has a respect for all that we have been through together, after having been with people who are not like that...he knows how much i care for him, and i know he cares a lot for me too...its' just that he really needs his space right now and i have to give it to him, neither one of us has really been single in the last 4-5 years, and all of our friends are pretty single, so we still sort of lived a single life even while dating, if that makes sense....so it's an added stress factor... so it's like we both kind of crave the single life, yet we don't want to give up on each other, and finally he and i had hit a point where he had to give up on me so he could experience it...although i haven't been good at giving it to him... also, i think another reason he's been putting up with me was that before our break up i went through a little meltdown, about a month and a half before, and i got upset that i had given so much to this relationsihp and not done enough for myself (which is what everyone here wants me to do), and he decided we needed a break, i think it was more for my benefit...but hte next night he called back and said how much he loved me and missed me and i took him back right away...sort of a mistake...but at the same time i really put in a whole hearted effort to improve my life for myself...and he saw that, he admits that....it's just that complete change doesn't happen in a month and a half....and i was doing better, but i wasn't all the way, so part of this break up for him was to force me to be all the way better....less depressed, adn happier with myself, as much as it is for him to feel more independent... so still, we're at a point where not enough time has gone by for any serious changes to occur, but he's seeing that i'm very adament about bettering myself... but you guys are right in a lot of ways...i need to not always do these things with him in mind...who knows, jsut b/c we spoke last night doesn't mean we'll speak again anytime soon...but yes, it was wonderful to talk to him and be in a fabulous mood and not upset....it felt so much better... also though, i know a couple of people who have been in my situation adn have managed to speak to their exes adn talked there way through their problems adn managed to work it out...that;s sort of what i'm working on (but none of these people ever truly healed from teh break up)...and i have some friends that once they break up with someone, they try to help them through it....hmmm...idont' know how good of an idea it is...i tried it with one of my ex's that cheated on me...and he jsut ended up trying to hurt me more.... otherwise, i'd love to have an undefinable appeal, i think it sounds super sexy...but i don't know if i do...i just think that i've been very lucky on this forum, it has been a huge help...i dont' think that my behavior was good or right in any way...it was just my emotions taking the best of me...i honestly think that if i had controlled my actions when takling to j, he and i would be back together now.... but i didn't and i'm having to live with it...so that's what i'll do... 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gradle Posted June 29, 2005 Author Share Posted June 29, 2005 for those of you that are curious.... after i went nc with j for the first time, 4 years ago, i contacted him first, sayign that we should at least be able to be civil to each other b/c i was tired of making our mutual friends uncomfortable and have to choose b/t us.... after that, he was all over me Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Gradle, You have a pretty good idea of what you need to do, both for yourself and if you want to have a chance with J. I'm impressed that you know what needs to be done, now we just hope that we can see you carry it out, and truly learn to be happy on your own. I think J does care about you alot, that's why he wants you to feel complete on your own and feel in charge of your own future and happiness. You should want this for yourself as well. J knows that you can never have a mutual and healthy normal relationship as long as you are so needy and dependant on him. He tried to tell you before, and it didn't go so well, so now he's forcing it on you. Than maybe you will be ready to add to a relationship, be it with J, or with someone else. You've controlled yourself with J in the past, I know you can do it now! Be brave, girlfriend! Link to comment
ecg1228 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Wow, you definitely sound a lot more resigned and peace about things. You've moved another step...so keep going (with healing yourself)! What a great thing to see. I think you'll do fine, really - whatever the outcome is. It's tough and don't be too hard on yourself for yearning for him. That's what makes us human and lovable in the first place. But stay focused. I think love makes even the most confident human being suddenly become emotionally chaotic and sometimes irrational. indefinable appeal - I want that too! Link to comment
brando Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 gradle, their is no should of would of could of, you did what you did and the good thing is you are leaning from it. Youve done it before and now you need to do it again, take care of you. Live your life to your fullest. Youve come quite a ways since your earlier posts, keep it up... Brando Link to comment
thisisshe Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Wow... I've been here before.... many years ago. Calm down... relax and get busy with whatever you can get busy with. Stop being so difficult on everyone including yourself. You keep expecting him to make you happy when that happiness should come from within you. Thing about attraction is that you can't be needy; it's just not attractive to anyone. Do things for yourself in other aspects of your life. Find and balance those areas of your life that you're neglecting. Have more respect for yourself; stop driving yourself into the ground. 1) Get busy 2) Make a list of things you're neglecting in your life 3) Work on relationships with family 4) Work on yourself 5) Leave him alone... for now... don't make him the focus of your life. 6) Go to a doctor you might have some anxiety issues and depression. Meds really help. 7) Exercise 8) Do things for yourself 9) When the same technique isn't working then you have change what you're doing. 10) Remember that you're young… you have your whole life ahead of you… keep your chin up. Link to comment
gradle Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 awww, thanks everyone...i really feel better...i don' tknow if it's b/c i talked to j last night, or if it's cause i'm really doing better...i just got back from drinks/dinner wiht a friend and it was nice to get out in the cooler night.... it was nice to have a change of scenery.... things are ok on my front, i've been getting really excited about dc...about actually BUYING a condo! wow, never bought anything more expensive than this laptop...and living wiht my old roommates....so it seems like things might finally be working out... j has a sad face away message up, he usually only does that after we've gotten into fights...part of me is tempted to call/IM him to see if everything is ok...but i don't think i will, i'll hold out another night...i have a lot of crap to do at work tomorrow...summer's our busiest season....but i do hope he's ok, and i'm sad that he's sad right now, b/c i just had a pretty good night and i know his would have been better if he'd been with me....but he wasn't and it's his own choice...he'll have to deal with it.... i hope everyone is doing well.. and again, thanks for all of your support and wishes.... Link to comment
annie24 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 That's the spirit! Yes, if he wants to talk about his sad face, he can call you. Like you said, it was his own decision to be without you, so let him deal with the consequences. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 J has a sad face away message up, he usually only does that after we've gotten into fights...part of me is tempted to call/IM him to see if everything is ok...but i don't think i will, i'll hold out another night...i have a lot of crap to do at work tomorrow...summer's our busiest season....but i do hope he's ok, and i'm sad that he's sad right now, b/c i just had a pretty good night and i know his would have been better if he'd been with me....but he wasn't and it's his own choice...he'll have to deal with it.... *tisk tisk* Gradle, don't be checking his IM away messages! See what happens when you do that? You just upset yourself and get worked up. You know it isn't your business why he has that up and you shouldn't be reading too much into it. You take care of YOU, ok?? and let J take care of J. He doesn't get the privilage of your concern as long as he chooses to be exes with you, got that? Hang in girl! BUYING a condo! I didn't realize you were buying!! Where will you stay while you look for one? Or have you already locked one down? That's very exciting! I'm so happy for you! Your own place to do whatever you please in (just no satallite dishes outside or painting outside! LOL) Congrats! Link to comment
brando Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Hi Gradle, Sounds like you are gaining some perspective...dont lose your focus now, too much going on in your life to get off track. As Hope said take care of you. Very important... best of luck, congrats on the condo. Link to comment
ecg1228 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Gradle - congrats on the condo...what do you do? I think I may have missed it. I know you are moving to DC. You sound like you are in a successful career~ Link to comment
gradle Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 hi all... i messed up...i just called and he didn't pick up...i didn't leave a message.... i just went out to drinks with a mutual friend of ours, and she volunteered all this information...nothing new, nothing i didn't know...i guess after the day after the concert he asked her if she'd talked to me, and she said yes,and he told her how i got upset, and how hard it was to be around me...and she just has this sort of tough love theory, like she said if her boy had done that to her, she would have just slapped him and moved on, but he didn't so how would she know? i'd always thought i'd do the same thing, hell i have done the same thing...i was just crying... ugh, it's so hard.... this deadline of us being apart is sooo f'n hard. and i'm not good right now.... not good at all AT ALL i don't know what to do, i feel like there's no one else for me to go to here...i don't know what to do and i'm so upset Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Gradle - Time to delete his number out of your phone. Or, you know what, I've heard that some phones have a service where you can't call certain numbers (like your bosses' or exes') after a certain time. If he calls tomorrow, to ask why you called, just say you pushed the wrong number on speed dial or something, and that's why you didn't leave a message. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 OK well first of all don't call him again. You're pushing it, even your mutual friend said you were pushing it. What is it going to take for you to back of J and give him space? He has proven to you when you leave him alone he will come around. He told you several times and now he's told your friend that he finds it hard to be around you when you act that way. If you keep this up, can you predict what will happen? I can. You will move to DC and that will be it. J will be fed up. No more trying. You are dangerously close to the edge, Gradle. Have you become independent? No. Have you given J one iota of breathing room? No. Have you managed not to bring up the relationship almost every time you talk to him? No. Have you learned to find happiness within yourself and be resonsible for your own happiness? No. Have you stopped contacting him and let him come to you? No. You have not moved one darn inch toward being independent or self sufficient. It's been what, 5-6 weeks since the break up and you are no farther along than the day after he left you. Gradle, I know you are upset and this is tough to hear. I feel for your pain, but you are doing this to yourself. You are sabotaging every chance you get, and trust me there will be a limited number of chances. I feel for J now. He must be so frustrated with you, as frustrated as I am. You are a 24 year old, intelligent, professional woman. You can listen to simple instruction. J has told you, asked you, begged you: BACK OFF AND LET ME BREATHE. STOP BRINGING UP THE RELATIONSHIP. You have NOT backed off. You have NOT given him room. You have harped and harped and ceaselessly nagged and bugged him about this relationship. Where has that gotten you? Nowhere. He is never going to take you back, as long as you keep behaving like this. You dig yourself deeper and deeper every time. It is beyond my comprehension why he has not written you off already, given the selfish way you behave and the fact that you refuse to listen or take his feelings into consideration. *sigh* Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Remember Gradle - when you feel bad, go back and read the post. i guess after the day after the concert he asked her if she'd talked to me, and she said yes,and he told her how i got upset, and how hard it was to be around me... If you really really want to get back with J, you have to listen to what he is saying. I know we're all saying this, but J is basically giving you the directions on what to do. It's super hard, but you have to follow them! That's your shot at getting him back. I can't tell you for sure that you will ever win him back, but if you are going to, this is the way to do it. Link to comment
gradle Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 i know guys, i know. i just can't believe this girl, she invites me out to have a drink , brings j up, tells me all this stuff he's saying, and tells me after i get upset when she siad that that she'll probably tell j everything i say...even though she thinks he's the dummy right now..why would she do that? i feel like i don't have a confidant. yes, i called him. i did'nt leave a message. i'll deal with the consequences, and yes, they might be very very very bad. but i had talked to some of my friends and they said since we are on speaking terms calling him isn't that bad of an idea...i've talked to friends that have been through this. i understand that you advocate a strict nc, but if i can call him and not be upset, i think it's ok. maybe he'll call me back and the conversation will go well.. i don't think i want to hang out with that girl again. Link to comment
DN Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 You do have a confidant - lots of them. And we are all telling you the same thing. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 i know guys, i know. You know, but you don't do anything about it. It means nothing if you can't apply the knowledge. We are not saying strict NC, that would mean if he called or contacted you, you would ignore him, We are saying what he has been saying all along, let him come to you. Stop harassing him. Gradle, we have been where you are and from your posts we can see what J asks of you. Before you said that if he would just tell you what he wants and needs you would do it. Well, how much more obvious does he have to be? When will you get it? Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Ok, well, let's look at things from J's point of view. He broke up with you, but he still cares for you. However, since he has a pretty good idea about how distraught you are over him, he may start thinking, "Gosh - I am causing her so much pain! I think as long as I am around, it will just hurt her because she will keep trying to get back with me. I can't handle that kind of pressure. I care about her, I don't want to see her hurt. Ok, if I never speak to her again, she will be forced to get over me, and then she can move on." That's why we keep advocating the limited contact and being light and friendly, not only towards him, but anyone who knows him! That way he will think, "Oh - gradle, hmm... I wonder what she is up to? She sounds really happy - I wonder why she is so happy? Is she seeing someone new....? Now I'm jealous! I miss her! Gradle's a great girl." Link to comment
gradle Posted July 1, 2005 Author Share Posted July 1, 2005 hah, i wish i were that great,... i'm just messed up. i'm just a mess up. bad night. i know you guys are here for me, it's hard, when the one girl you know here and befriended is just being weird... i just don't understand, i never asked her to keep tabs on him for me, in fact i specifially told her she didn't have to do that weeks ago... i don' tknow if she thinks she's beign a good friend, or if she realizes what she's doing... that just hurts more, you know? oh well, at least i don't have that much invested in our friendship. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 Hmm... my last ex and I share a mutual friend. Shortly after the breakup, the mutual friend started to tell me "a funny story" about a girl that my ex met shortly after our breakup. I stopped him right then and there and told him I didn't want to hear a word about him!!! So, I will never know what the funny story is, and that's fine with me. In the future, if you do hang out with her, tell her you'd like to keep your relationship with her separate with her friendship with J. I don't like hearing these kinds of stories about exes..... And with mutual friends, you ALWAYS have to be cheerful and fun. Link to comment
arwen Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 *steps into the support circle for gradle* Girl, I haven't read all the whole thread, but I feel your pain. I have felt exactly like this and I can tell you, like the others did, that for your OWN peace of mind it is better to hear nothing from him. Don't ask others about your ex. Tell them that you don't want to know. I had only one mutual friend with the only longterm ex I have-- I have told her from the beginning that I didn't want to talk about how he was doing. Use your time healing-- don't run from the pain into this obsession about what he might be doing/thinking and most importantly with who(m?). I know how obsession works from the inside-- it seems like you have no control over your thoughts, and they keep on going around faster and faster leading nowhere but to the point you go crazy. The only and first thing that will help you now to STOP this obsession is to NOT CONTACT him. Not in direct ways, nor in indirect ways. The indirect ways are the most tricky ones, they include talking about his current state of being with others, but also checking online status, blogs or whatever access we have to each others lifes on the net. Not long ago I made a sticky [link removed the Aftermath of a Break Up Maybe it will help you in gaining some perspective. You need distance to see things better, CREATE this distance. Take care, we are all here for you. Ilse. Link to comment
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