ecg1228

No, you don't have to put up with it. Find a roommate if you have to. Nothing is worth allowing someone to degrade you like that. That could be true. He could be the type too that doesn't want you to believe you're attractive so he feels like putting you down is a strategy to keep you in check and to keep you with him. People who do that are the ones who have the self-esteem issues in my opinion.

So was there a problem with your sexual relationship with your girlfriend that drove you to this other woman? I know that would seem like an obvious reason but at the same time you seemed so confused by what you did that it seems to be more than that...

How did it go with that visit Liam??

This is why I am more intent on keeping no contact. The other person HAS to let their pride down - or whatever it is - and make the effort as well. We can't be the one always trying to see if we can reconcile. I learned a lesson from the last time with an ex a few years ago. If they don't want it, there's nothing you can do to change it most of the time. This time with my present relationship that seems to be ending...I want him to make the effort. I need to see how much he wants me because that is what made this relationship go downhill in the first place - I was the one that was usually giving. If he does want me back, but isn't man enough to be the one to speak up, I WILL move on. If he doesn't want me back and doesn't contact me, then no contact from me is even more important. You not only risk getting hurt and losing your dignity, but you also live on false hopes and go crashing again.

I just read this thread today and yes, I am one of the poor souls going through agonizing no contact right now. Liam - I want to tell you how sorry I am. But HANG IN THERE. A few years ago...I was in despair, not eating, sleeping, going crazy because the love of my life at the time coldly and cruelly broke up with me. When I cried after finding out it was due to another girl, he said: "Stop it with the 'woe is me'." He completely cut off contact with me, leaving me confused, distraught and asking "why"? We had the most loving, intense relationship for 3 years - I was always there for him, we were best friends and he threw me out like an old newspaper. It took me 3 months but one day I got up, erased all his emails, threw out all the loving gifts, books, WHATEVER, he gave me into the dumpster. I was angry, but I felt so liberated. Maybe that was extreme but it helped me get closure. I was angry that that was how he could end something as special as we had, like I was nothing. Months later, I was totally over him, happy with myself. TRUST ME, easier said than done, but each day it DOES get better. This is coming from someone who was suicidal at the time. To make it worse, I didn't have family nearby. 8 months later, he called one night out of the blue and I felt nothing...I wouldn't have believed it months before that I would be that indifferent. But he told me he was sorry, he was thinking about me a lot lately. He seemed to try to establish contact again but I had moved on. I wasted 3 months over someone like that...this time around, after I get over the initial grieving period, I will not make that same mistake again. I will push myself to go to the gym, volunteer, go out with friends and not isolate myself. Now not all of you guys will have a cold end - there are some genuine good people who treat each other with love and respect after a breakup...but I can give you the same message: it WILL get better. "All things must pass."

I was in a relationship like that once and I stayed with him for fear of being alone. Once I broke it off and got out of that silly trance I realized what damage he did to me and my self-esteem and how I really wasn't in love with him... There are SO many guys out there who are better for you. Relationships aren't easy, but you shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells and feeling degraded. That's not love and that's not companionship. I think that guy has a problem and he will just bring you down with him. Break it off with him - you will find someone so much better - as long as YOU know that you deserve a good man in your life who treats you with respect. If you have to, write a list of what a great boyfriend is. You will see how he doesn't fall in a lot of those categories. Maybe seeing it on paper will be an eyeopener.

Don't let it bother you - I almost called my current b/f by my ex's (whom I haven't seen in years) name and it would've meant nothing b/c I am totally in love with my current b/f and have absolutely no feelings for my ex. It just happens. I remember arguing w/my ex constantly when we were together and I had a habit of repeating his name over and over. If me and my current b/f have that rare argument I almost slip the ex's for that reason and no other. It means nothing - sure, it still stings, but don't worry about it - I'm sure he is horrified, ESPECIALLY if he doesn't even care for the ex. He wouldn't want to lose you over someone who is just a blip in his past.

Gradle - congrats on the condo...what do you do? I think I may have missed it. I know you are moving to DC. You sound like you are in a successful career~

Wow, you definitely sound a lot more resigned and peace about things. You've moved another step...so keep going (with healing yourself)! What a great thing to see. I think you'll do fine, really - whatever the outcome is. It's tough and don't be too hard on yourself for yearning for him. That's what makes us human and lovable in the first place. But stay focused. I think love makes even the most confident human being suddenly become emotionally chaotic and sometimes irrational. indefinable appeal - I want that too!

Hey Gradle, I've come back every now and then to see your progress too - I want to say hang in there, now that it's been quite awhile and you still seem as much as in pain and desperation as a month ago. I also want to chime in my 2 cents... I know that you can't stop yourself from giving him that space because you are so desperately worried that giving him that space will only make him walk in the other direction. You probably feel like you have absolute control of swaying things in your direction by making sure you are constantly reminding him of your presense, of your relationship. I've been there, trust me. I consider myself this free, independent, witty woman but when it came to this breakup of mine a few years ago with my first real love, I was a total mess. I cried, I constantly called even when he told me not to, I asked, "Why? Why?" But - constantly worrying and then going against his wishes - it doesn't help move ANYTHING forward. All this time focused on this situation can be spent instead just going out, having fun, keeping busy. No one wants to make any promises that honoring his space will bring him back - but it certainly make you look confident, secure and attractive in his eyes. He KNOWS how much you love him...but the more positive experiences you allow to replace the negative ones (ie, the desperate behavior, freaking out) will just calm him down and help him view this relationship from a chaotic point of view. I totally agree that absense makes the heart grow fonder. If you are afraid to lose him and your constant contact STILL hasn't made him come back - then realize that your present attempts are obviously not working. So, the only thing you can do is not initiate contact, don't call, and give him time - see what happens from that. Some things are out of our control at some point, don't exhaust yourself. I finally just stopped calling and emailing my ex when I realized my behavior didn't contribute a thing. I felt so drained and dead from worrying all the time. So I started to concentrate on myself and going out again, trying to be happy again. I felt like I had victimized MYSELF and had been in a cave. After several months his attitude towards me completely changed. Suddenly I hear from him and he is curious about my life and what I'm up to - during my absense, he remembered the good memories, the confident me, the woman he fell in love with. By the time he called me, I was the one that had moved on and didn't want to pursue anything romantic again. I rationalized better doing that "me" time I had that he wasn't the one for me if he didn't fight hard enough to keep me or want to stay with me. All relationships are different, but I just want you to know that I, like the other women here, have totally been in your spot. You gotta hear what they are saying - don't call him, don't talk about the relationship (even though it's killing you)...when you talk, talk about normal, non-romantic things and he won't pull away or cringe... Good luck...I definitely see you doing better, but you have to help yourself as much as possible - go through the motions of what we are all telling you. Pretty soon it will come naturally. :scatter:

My boyfriend gave me a single rose on our first date a year and a half ago. I have the rose to this day (kept for sentimental reasons). It didn't make him appear needy or corny at all. I thought it was a sweet gesture and it set the tone for the evening - it didn't necessarily pressure the situation into anything more than a "I like you and I want to get to know you" date. But if you want to, wait until the second date - that way it tells her how much you had a great time on the first date...

I am on Seasonale too...but I don't think that's possible on any birth control to resume your period if you skip the 2nd week supply after immediately going to the first week supply. I'm not an expert but I think that pretty much begins the whole cycle again. There are definitely reasons why the Pill is taken in the order that it is.

They divorced 3 years ago...do you know if they are still in contact? (due to kids for instance)

One thing that worked on a girlfriend of mine - she was in the bottled water aisle at a grocery store and a guy in the same aisle asked why people buy water when it's free? That seemed cute and not so I needed to think of a line to approach her-like - and it got a natural conversation started. They're actually still dating today (their first date was in January). Just be yourself, relax and don't worry about it - you will attract more suitable people towards you. I used to be very shy as a little girl/teenager. It was that mode of thinking that I mentioned that eventually got me past those self-esteem issues to be the confident person I am today. And like the previous poster said, don't miss any chances. Some may work for you, some may not. It's just the nature of the dating game. At least you have a chance, whereas your chances are definitely zero if you DON'T try!

Honestly the best thing to do besides moving to a different department/getting another job is to definitely talk to your manager about moving your desk. Managers should oblige to do that knowing that it can affect your performance if you stay where you are. It also won't help you heal any better being able to see their interaction day after day for the whole day! Hang in there and take this one step at a time...