ecg1228

No, you don't have to put up with it. Find a roommate if you have to. Nothing is worth allowing someone to degrade you like that. That could be true. He could be the type too that doesn't want you to believe you're attractive so he feels like putting you down is a strategy to keep you in check and to keep you with him. People who do that are the ones who have the self-esteem issues in my opinion.

So was there a problem with your sexual relationship with your girlfriend that drove you to this other woman? I know that would seem like an obvious reason but at the same time you seemed so confused by what you did that it seems to be more than that...

How did it go with that visit Liam??

This is why I am more intent on keeping no contact. The other person HAS to let their pride down - or whatever it is - and make the effort as well. We can't be the one always trying to see if we can reconcile. I learned a lesson from the last time with an ex a few years ago. If they don't want it, there's nothing you can do to change it most of the time. This time with my present relationship that seems to be ending...I want him to make the effort. I need to see how much he wants me because that is what made this relationship go downhill in the first place - I was the one that was usually giving. If he does want me back, but isn't man enough to be the one to speak up, I WILL move on. If he doesn't want me back and doesn't contact me, then no contact from me is even more important. You not only risk getting hurt and losing your dignity, but you also live on false hopes and go crashing again.

I just read this thread today and yes, I am one of the poor souls going through agonizing no contact right now. Liam - I want to tell you how sorry I am. But HANG IN THERE. A few years ago...I was in despair, not eating, sleeping, going crazy because the love of my life at the time coldly and cruelly broke up with me. When I cried after finding out it was due to another girl, he said: "Stop it with the 'woe is me'." He completely cut off contact with me, leaving me confused, distraught and asking "why"? We had the most loving, intense relationship for 3 years - I was always there for him, we were best friends and he threw me out like an old newspaper. It took me 3 months but one day I got up, erased all his emails, threw out all the loving gifts, books, WHATEVER, he gave me into the dumpster. I was angry, but I felt so liberated. Maybe that was extreme but it helped me get closure. I was angry that that was how he could end something as special as we had, like I was nothing. Months later, I was totally over him, happy with myself. TRUST ME, easier said than done, but each day it DOES get better. This is coming from someone who was suicidal at the time. To make it worse, I didn't have family nearby. 8 months later, he called one night out of the blue and I felt nothing...I wouldn't have believed it months before that I would be that indifferent. But he told me he was sorry, he was thinking about me a lot lately. He seemed to try to establish contact again but I had moved on. I wasted 3 months over someone like that...this time around, after I get over the initial grieving period, I will not make that same mistake again. I will push myself to go to the gym, volunteer, go out with friends and not isolate myself. Now not all of you guys will have a cold end - there are some genuine good people who treat each other with love and respect after a breakup...but I can give you the same message: it WILL get better. "All things must pass."

I was in a relationship like that once and I stayed with him for fear of being alone. Once I broke it off and got out of that silly trance I realized what damage he did to me and my self-esteem and how I really wasn't in love with him... There are SO many guys out there who are better for you. Relationships aren't easy, but you shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells and feeling degraded. That's not love and that's not companionship. I think that guy has a problem and he will just bring you down with him. Break it off with him - you will find someone so much better - as long as YOU know that you deserve a good man in your life who treats you with respect. If you have to, write a list of what a great boyfriend is. You will see how he doesn't fall in a lot of those categories. Maybe seeing it on paper will be an eyeopener.

Don't let it bother you - I almost called my current b/f by my ex's (whom I haven't seen in years) name and it would've meant nothing b/c I am totally in love with my current b/f and have absolutely no feelings for my ex. It just happens. I remember arguing w/my ex constantly when we were together and I had a habit of repeating his name over and over. If me and my current b/f have that rare argument I almost slip the ex's for that reason and no other. It means nothing - sure, it still stings, but don't worry about it - I'm sure he is horrified, ESPECIALLY if he doesn't even care for the ex. He wouldn't want to lose you over someone who is just a blip in his past.

Gradle - congrats on the condo...what do you do? I think I may have missed it. I know you are moving to DC. You sound like you are in a successful career~

Wow, you definitely sound a lot more resigned and peace about things. You've moved another step...so keep going (with healing yourself)! What a great thing to see. I think you'll do fine, really - whatever the outcome is. It's tough and don't be too hard on yourself for yearning for him. That's what makes us human and lovable in the first place. But stay focused. I think love makes even the most confident human being suddenly become emotionally chaotic and sometimes irrational. indefinable appeal - I want that too!

Hey Gradle, I've come back every now and then to see your progress too - I want to say hang in there, now that it's been quite awhile and you still seem as much as in pain and desperation as a month ago. I also want to chime in my 2 cents... I know that you can't stop yourself from giving him that space because you are so desperately worried that giving him that space will only make him walk in the other direction. You probably feel like you have absolute control of swaying things in your direction by making sure you are constantly reminding him of your presense, of your relationship. I've been there, trust me. I consider myself this free, independent, witty woman but when it came to this breakup of mine a few years ago with my first real love, I was a total mess. I cried, I constantly called even when he told me not to, I asked, "Why? Why?" But - constantly worrying and then going against his wishes - it doesn't help move ANYTHING forward. All this time focused on this situation can be spent instead just going out, having fun, keeping busy. No one wants to make any promises that honoring his space will bring him back - but it certainly make you look confident, secure and attractive in his eyes. He KNOWS how much you love him...but the more positive experiences you allow to replace the negative ones (ie, the desperate behavior, freaking out) will just calm him down and help him view this relationship from a chaotic point of view. I totally agree that absense makes the heart grow fonder. If you are afraid to lose him and your constant contact STILL hasn't made him come back - then realize that your present attempts are obviously not working. So, the only thing you can do is not initiate contact, don't call, and give him time - see what happens from that. Some things are out of our control at some point, don't exhaust yourself. I finally just stopped calling and emailing my ex when I realized my behavior didn't contribute a thing. I felt so drained and dead from worrying all the time. So I started to concentrate on myself and going out again, trying to be happy again. I felt like I had victimized MYSELF and had been in a cave. After several months his attitude towards me completely changed. Suddenly I hear from him and he is curious about my life and what I'm up to - during my absense, he remembered the good memories, the confident me, the woman he fell in love with. By the time he called me, I was the one that had moved on and didn't want to pursue anything romantic again. I rationalized better doing that "me" time I had that he wasn't the one for me if he didn't fight hard enough to keep me or want to stay with me. All relationships are different, but I just want you to know that I, like the other women here, have totally been in your spot. You gotta hear what they are saying - don't call him, don't talk about the relationship (even though it's killing you)...when you talk, talk about normal, non-romantic things and he won't pull away or cringe... Good luck...I definitely see you doing better, but you have to help yourself as much as possible - go through the motions of what we are all telling you. Pretty soon it will come naturally. :scatter:

My boyfriend gave me a single rose on our first date a year and a half ago. I have the rose to this day (kept for sentimental reasons). It didn't make him appear needy or corny at all. I thought it was a sweet gesture and it set the tone for the evening - it didn't necessarily pressure the situation into anything more than a "I like you and I want to get to know you" date. But if you want to, wait until the second date - that way it tells her how much you had a great time on the first date...

I am on Seasonale too...but I don't think that's possible on any birth control to resume your period if you skip the 2nd week supply after immediately going to the first week supply. I'm not an expert but I think that pretty much begins the whole cycle again. There are definitely reasons why the Pill is taken in the order that it is.

They divorced 3 years ago...do you know if they are still in contact? (due to kids for instance)

One thing that worked on a girlfriend of mine - she was in the bottled water aisle at a grocery store and a guy in the same aisle asked why people buy water when it's free? That seemed cute and not so I needed to think of a line to approach her-like - and it got a natural conversation started. They're actually still dating today (their first date was in January). Just be yourself, relax and don't worry about it - you will attract more suitable people towards you. I used to be very shy as a little girl/teenager. It was that mode of thinking that I mentioned that eventually got me past those self-esteem issues to be the confident person I am today. And like the previous poster said, don't miss any chances. Some may work for you, some may not. It's just the nature of the dating game. At least you have a chance, whereas your chances are definitely zero if you DON'T try!

Honestly the best thing to do besides moving to a different department/getting another job is to definitely talk to your manager about moving your desk. Managers should oblige to do that knowing that it can affect your performance if you stay where you are. It also won't help you heal any better being able to see their interaction day after day for the whole day! Hang in there and take this one step at a time...

Well you two have covered a lot to rectify this problem!! Do you think she could be under ANY stress? Has anything significant happened recently or even in the last year or so that would also decrease the libido since medication doesn't help? Have you guys consulted a physician yet?

I think lots of lubricant is probably the only answer to this right now. So, she WAS in pain during this time...? You said she did enjoy it, so maybe, again, lubricant would help in this situation as well if it only really hurt when you hit her cervix. In regards to increasing her libido - I think there is prescription medication for that which I've seen in ads and commercials, but I can't remember the name of it. I would suggest she ask her gynecologist. I wouldn't take any herbs, etc, to interfere with your size - that sounds a little dangerous and you don't know what harmful side effects can take place.

You never know... It sounds like an amazing friendship you two have. Friendship is a great foundation for the beginnings of a relationship. I say keep being the way you are and see where it goes. She will just grow more and more fond of you. Boyfriends can come and go, but you will be always be there and - maybe it can start to develop gradually? Is she happy with her boyfriend? You said you didn't like the way he is and that their relationship is bumpy..

Are you into sports at all? If there are sports pubs (different than the bar scene to me) at any of your sports arenas you usually find lots of men there hanging out with their buddies. It's easier to talk to them in that environment. No pressure. I don't think you necessarily have to be a sports aficianado, you're just out to have fun.

I agree with the others - who cares what everyone thinks, it would be fleeting anyway and most of them may understand. Do what's best for you. You want to heal and get past her and if your instinct says it's not a good idea to go, then don't. Definitely hang with some new people or even just flirt when you go out - it doesn't have to be serious. Otherwise you won't enjoy it if it feels like you have to replace her. Sometimes it takes distractions to gradually speed up the forgetting the ex process though. Good luck!

Maybe she is changing her mind about her "boyfriend" and doesn't want to admit it. Calling about some of your movies sounds like an excuse to talk to you (I admit I've done that) but she could be sounding pissy b/c of pride. If she wasn't curious about your whereabouts I doubt she'd make an issue of you never being home. I know that because I am truly over my ex, I could care less if he was gone all the time. Then I'd keep his movies if he didn't make an effort to get them back. LOL I'm not sure why she threw the boyfriend thing in your face like that...who initiated the breakup?

I have been considering breaking up with my b/f of a year and a half. Ironically we just got back together a couple of weeks ago after breaking up a month ago over my imaginary trust issues. He packed up and left but now that we are dating and not living together his unavailability and his lack of attention are more pronounced. He is very passive in the relationship - I do more of the calling, the suggestions on going out. He wants this time for me to prove my trust in him so he wants to place a little distance. Now there is a twist in that I am beginning to see again the real holes in the relationship with his occasional indifference (which probably added to my trust issues). I know he loves me, but actions speak louder than words - I think he takes for granted the things I do for him and that I'll always be there. Love should be give and take in my opinion and I feel like I'm the one that is always giving. This was a problem before we moved in together but I guess it was masked a little more since we saw each other every day. The one thing that keeps me from breaking up with him is loneliness. My family lives down South and although I have great friends up here they have their own lives and I need someone everyday. He's my best friend and someone I did everything with. I still want us to work it out, but I'm getting skeptical. It helps to read these suggestions and be brave about breaking up with someone. Really, it can be a blessing having that "me" time - it can make you incredibly strong. I have to say, that was really brave of you, Apple, knowing that the loneliness would be really hard. But you did what was right...it is better than being lonely IN a relationship and wasting time that could be used for yourself and eventually finding someone better for you.

Have you tried maybe a lubricant? Do you think that you may be tensing up and that could be causing some of the pain? Since you can't change his size, consider different positions that are easier for you. And if/when on top, you can control the depth of penetration better by sort of straddling him and not letting him go too deep. I would talk to him though and tell him to take it slow and that you will tell him when it is a little too painful. Let him know so that he can change his angle, speed, thrust, etc. Hope this helps? If not, maybe consult a GYN as well to see how other women may have handled it.

How long were you two together and can I ask why she left? It doesn't feel like it now, but it does get better. You will look back and it will just be a remembrance of the pain, but not the actual pain. Right now, allow yourself to go through the grief and know that it is normal. Also try to talk to someone about it if you can (and/or post here and talk to us). It helps to learn how other people coped. I'm glad that you are sober now...I know that the only option seems to be to numb yourself so that you don't think about it so much. Stay focused on turning that temptation around. -Mary Manin Morrisey

I totally agree about their eyeshadows - I love how some of them have the subtle shimmer - I buy their eyeshadows and eyeliner. Definitely take it back. If you don't like it I don't think they have a problem exchanging it especially if you explain how far you are - they want your business. Have you tried going onto their website? You can order there too and you can email MAC makeup artists. Finish Concealor might be a little hard to advise on, but they can give you suggestions on lipstick, eyeshadow, blush based on what you tell them (skin color [fair, medium, olive], haircolor, etc).