My boyfriend has a porn addiction, and I don't know how to handle it

[Misscassie177]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and he has admitted he has a porn addiction, but he doesn't want to get help. He told me watching porn and looking at women (Twitter, Instagram, onlyfans, reddit) is a comfort thing for him, and it isn't him seeking something he isn't getting at home. Which I don't understand. He said it doesn't turn him on all the time, it's just something he has been doing for years and it's hard for him to stop.

This has been a conversation of ours for a few months now, when I found a second Twitter account where he was commenting on other women's pictures/videos, acting single. He deleted this account, and his onlyfans account. He told me he was going to try to stop, because he knew he shouldn't be doing that in a relationship. This happen in March, and since then we have had the same conversation twice. He told me since we started dating he doesn't watch it as much as he use to. 

Last night I had left the room to make dinner, and 5 mins later I returned to grab something and caught him looking at porn. This confirmed a few things for me 1.) He wasn't truthful when he said he doesn't watch it as much 2.) He looks at it whenever I have my back turned 3.) He isn't trying to stop because he doesn't want to. When we discussed this, I told him again how it makes me feel, and how I wish he was obsessed with me like he was with other women. When we first started dating, I wanted to watch porn together and record ourselves to add some spice to our relationship, but he always turned down the idea, so I stopped suggesting it. I asked him last night why he always said no, he said it was because he wanted something different with me and he didn't want our relationship and sex life to be like it is in porn. 

He hadn't been in a relationship in over 6 years before me.. I want to make it clear that he isn't a bad boyfriend at all. I am actually the happiest I have ever been with him than anyone else.

The issue isn't with porn itself (I watch it myself occasionally), the issue is that he has the constant need to do it, no matter where he is. Is this a red flag that I should be worried about, or give it the time for him to make the change like he says he will?

[Wiseman2]

He has told you a lot of lies and made a lot of excuses. What you know may only be the tip of the iceberg.

You won't fix or change him, he knows soliciting women on secret accounts is wrong, but doesn't care. 

Talking at him won't help. Stop and reflect if you want to deal with this.

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, Misscassie177 said:

Is this a red flag that I should be worried about, or give it the time for him to make the change like he says he will?

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt. 

I would not continue this relationship. A man who is "acting single" is not only a porn addict, but a cheater. You need to wake up here, Misscassie. 

[waffle]

43 minutes ago, Misscassie177 said:

He told me he was going to try to stop, because he knew he shouldn't be doing that in a relationship.

lol you either continue the behavior, or stop.  There is no "try."  

This is not a porn problem.  If he's on social media acting single, it's a cheating problem.  And you're allowing yourself to be treated this way.

[Hollyj]

Dump him! 
 

He is a manipulative, lying, cheating bf, none of this should be okay. 
 

Raise  your bar. 

[Tinydance]

Well to be honest all this doesn't sound good. I understand different people have different ideas about porn too. Just me personally, I watch porn myself but I only watch it occasionally. Especially when I have a partner, I don't watch it all that much. I don't mind if my partner watches porn but if they actually started engaging in sexual conversations, video calls or videos with "real" people online, I would think of that as cheating.

I actually have never seen Only Fans but my understanding of it there are real people on there who put up nude and/or sexual photos and videos or can make custom videos, etc. for their fans? I wouldn't like it if my partner began interacting with some of those people and they sent each other nude pictures and things like that. I'm not actually saying that your boyfriend did this but if he's really addicted to porn and all those websites like Only Fans, who knows? 

I think to be honest I would also be offended if my partner said they don't want to watch porn with me or make a porn video with me, but they are on porn sites and Only Fans all the time. It would make me feel like they're more interested in other people than me.

Your boyfriend does seem to have a porn addiction because if you just turn your back for five minutes and he's watching it, that doesn't really sound normal. The problem is he's the only one who can actually do something about it. And unfortunately it doesn't really sound like he actually wants to. Maybe he did get into some "single guy" habits because six years is a pretty long time to be single. But now that he's in a relationship he should be focusing on you and your sex life together. He's not actually single so he shouldn't be acting like he is.

[catfeeder]

I would have screened the guy out early as a bad match for me because he has lacks self control, which equals lousy judgment.

This would be less about other women and more about avoiding a partner who I could never trust not to get himself fired or infected or arrested or any of the other fallouts that go along with compulsive behavior.

In terms of a partner, I want my equal. Why would I choose someone who operates on judgment that could sink me financially, emotionally or otherwise compromise my aspirations for my own future?

Either a partner is trust-worthy, or he is not. That's not limited to loyalty. Trust boils down to whether someone owns discipline, intelligence and good judgment. Someone who's missing any one of those factors isn't necessarily a villain, but he simply can't be a part of my life.

It's your decision. Choose wisely.

 

[SherrySher]

You're right, it's not the porn that is the biggest reason to leave this man, it's the lying, hiding, pretending, keeping things from you, disrespectful etc.

Those are huge reasons to leave him and to never look back.

He has proven to you over and over again that he does not deserve your trust, he is not loyal or faithful, nor does he want to be.

He has little respect for you, for a relationship and furthermore for women in general as he is treating them like pieces of meat.

He has little to no self control and let's be honest here,....he doesn't give a damn.

He wants to get his jollies and that's all there is to it.

He is literally one of the worst type of men you can get involved with.

It's your decision what you want to do, but you will find more heartache if you stay.